Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

Grumpy I had an irrational fear of the dentist for years very jumpy once my dentist snapped at me over it, I did get over it but it's back with avengence for me its someone being behind me I think don't like that at all. Others will be different it could also be something deep routed in my mind I don't know. Funny because I saw the hygienist who is female and was fine with her.

I'm glad you had a good day NHAN. It's a little early but Happy Birthday!!

Honestly Grumpy I'm not sure what dentists could do to improve things for survivors. The fear isn't really to do with dentists at all, it's to do with feeling helpless, and having someone invade your personal space. I actually dislike hairdressers more than I dislike going to the dentist, just because I don't like a stranger fussing around my neck and ears. Even my DH isn't allowed to talk close to my ear - it is really triggering for me. If a dentist or hairdresser was aware of my fears I'm not sure how it would help as they would still need to do their job IYSWIM. But I do appreciate your effort to understand and your willingness to help. I suppose all you can do is be aware that if a patient is behaving oddly or seems very nervous there might be a good reason for it. I know some dentists are very short with nervous patients and that would be very hard for a survivor to deal with if they are trying to be brave and get through the visit.

www.dentalfearcentral.org is good for advice on helping abuse survivors.

I'd like dentists to take dental fear more seriously as most don't listen.

I also avoid the hairdresser, go about once every 5years. It's the touching the head thing.

Cailin, talking in the ear,I hate phonecalls for that exact reason, urgh.

Thanks for the birthday wishes :)

Grumpy i'm wondering if a sign saying if you feel anxious about dental treatment we can help, or please feel free to discuss it with us?? I know i've seen dentists who could clearly tell I was scared but were just horrible to me. It's all so clinical so I think light hearted chit chat helps and maybe offering to just look in someones mouth without using any of those scary looking instruments.
I'm waffling but just thought, you know how a nervous child behaves? you can see their fear and you need to gain their trust. This is probably how survivors feel but they are not always aware of why. Its the whole chair lowering and having someone stare down at me that gets me. I used to go straight into terrified child and tense everything
I know you need to see the teeth but for someone very scared maybe letting them sit up and just having a quick check would be a good start?

I can do hairdressers except for that staring in the mirror thing! I never know where to look! I feel like i'm under a spotlight though which makes me very anxious and withdrawn.

I cannot have people talking in my ear or leaning over my shoulder. I'm fine with the phone but if someone has a negative energy around hem and they invade my personal space i have to get them away from me

My hairdresser is a friend have known her for 20 years so I really trust her we have some deep conversations and she is brutally honest with me who knows my past history.

Its after midnight happy birthday NHAN hope you have a lovely stressfree day xxxxx

Happy birthday NHAN, have a lovely day x

Happy birthday NHAN :)

How is everyone today?

Hi bamboo, I'm grand. I was feeling a bit wound up last night but I slept well and that helped a lot. Had some very odd (not scary) dreams though!

How are you?

Morning all, peace has descended boy is back to college x

Morning everyone, hope you're all well x

Morning everyone, hope you're all well x

MOrning All.
Happy Birthday NHAN :)
Plink, I hope you have found some friends here x

Im ok with the hairdressers, ive had the same one for twenty years and really trust him. Thing is hes my mums hair dresser too & recently Ive been scared to go as i know hell ask about the family :(
Ive dyed my hair since I was 13 (much to the disapointment of my dad) Ive always worn "wacky" alternative clothes. I never thought i`ve had negative body/image confidence but I said something last week when I was freaking out/dissociating... my friend was comforting me, trying to distract me & she commented on the comedy clowns pants I was wearing, she said how cool they were. I told her they were rediculous, and that my colourful clothes were there to distract people from the black goo that was oozing out of me. :(

I have often said that the only way youll get me to the dentist is if im knocked out at home, taken to the dentist, filled with pain killers & replaced back in my bed. I`m sure all of my teeth will fall out before that happens.
Like NHAN said, maybe a check up sitting up to start with may help?

I'm okay thanks. Odd dreams too but I'm doing okay today :) Think I'm coming out of my temporary lapse and feeling very loved and supported by DP and also by this thread.

It's funny how reading these posts, I notice my own behaviour and realise certain things I do or react badly to aren't just personality faults, but responses to my past. I always understood my dentist issue, but it's only now I realise why I have such a problem going to the hairdresser (been once since I was 16).

I think I would have more of a problem with the dentist if I hadn't had braces when I was a teenager. I was told by my parents that I was getting them, no argument so even though I wasn't keen I went along with it as I was very much the "good girl." I saw the same orthodontist regularly for five years. She was a lovely kind woman and I do think going to her wore away any fear I might have had. I trusted her completely and was a bit sad when my treatment ended (though mighty glad to have those train tracks off!). I do remember feeling very tired and spaced out after the more lengthy or painful visits and I think that was because even though I trusted her I was still holding back some fear. I am very good at holding back negative emotions, due to my upbringing.

I did have a regular hairdresser for a while back in Ireland and even though she was expensive I ended up going to her quite a lot, as again I felt I could trust her. Then one day I went in and she was on maternity leave. I went ahead with the appointment but the surprise of having a stranger when I expected her set me back a lot and now I go a maximum of once a year. That's not a problem really as I like long hair (as does DH!) and I don't colour my hair. I really have to work myself up to that one visit though. Maybe if I find a regular hairdresser where I live now I'll manage more visits or at least won't dread the one visit so much.

Laminator - what you said about the black goo - does that ring true? Do you think you really believe that?

CD, When im very very low, yes. When I have what I call my freakouts... curlled up in a ball slobbering, sometimes i can see it. It comes from the back of my head. Maybe in some weird way this is a step forward as for years, before I had my memories & flashbacks, when I freaked out I felt like something was trying to physically get out of my head.??? Id like to think I have my own style, im kooky & funky etc, but when im bad it feels like a joke. I doubt everything about myself.

What do you think the "goo" is Laminator?

also, when I was younger (waaaaaaaaaaay before my weed smoking days...as I do wonder if I do actually get paranoid from smoking...) I felt as if I had black splodges on my body that moved about, they were just out of sight, just on the perifery, behind my knees, sholders, places youd have to move or twist to see & when i did, they would move or go, like I was chasing a shadow around myself. I cry now when i think of how scared I was all the time as a child. I know now that my "happy" childhood was not really happy at all. We were not allowed to have non-childlike emotions...I remember being told that I had no right to be bored/frustrated/angrey...youre a child, be happy, go out & play. Its obvious now why I never told my parents I heard breathing in my room at night or had moving splodges. Maybe I did? I dont recall. Either way they should have seen me suffering.
In an attempt to "let us be children" they failed to see that children can have these emotions too. This is one of the reasons im keeping distance from mum right now. Im figuring out how much I can let her crontrol freakery effect our kids. Do I let them get close, for her to turn them away when they are older and have emotions that she clearly cant deal with?.

x-post Cd. Dont know really...Dirt...dirty stuff...my filth... branding???

Yes they should have noticed Laminator. From what you've said about your family I don't think they're a force for good in your life.

What do you mean by "branding"?

Cailin to be frank a lot of us had bloody obvious signs of something being far wrong but parents that didn't give a shit despite being upstanding members of the community, it's that old adage no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I still remember mine telling me that DD1 had a mind of her own (that ones got a mind of her own where the words used) at 15/16 months and should stamp it out they where given short shift.

Not sure really, a scar, like I`ve been given my "mark" and I have to carry it with me?

They should have noticed shouldnt they :(
Its such a mix of emotions as they were never cruel, we werent treated badly. I know the rest of my massive catholic family would never understand, from the outside it really was a good childhood.They have encouraged & supported me throughout life, but its always been with a sense of them being in control. But they let me down. I never had the "sex" talk. I was given tampons before i started my period & told to practice as in mums opinion pads were manky & i would`nt like them, I mean what the actual fuck is that all about.

You're right dotty. I don't see how a loving parent can fail to notice their child suffering in that way.

I get what you mean about a "mark" Laminator. I definitely felt dirty because I knew "too much" about sex at a young age - I felt when I was older that I was used and damaged in a very obvious way.