Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 2

[CailinDana]

The original thread is here

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Some useful links from the previous thread:

Samaritans
National Association for People Abused in Childhood
Rape Crisis
Pandoras, a chat room for survivors and their families, American based
Mosac, for non abusing parents and carers, London based
Women against rape self help guide to court

Don'tKnow, big, ginormous, gentle hug for you.

Part of therapy is working through the memories until they start fading/have less control over you. It seems impossible now but you'll be surprised when things start changing.

Keep Strong, everyone.

Laminator, I've tried weed, made me paranoid! I'm an amateur herbalist though so know a few good other things :o

Dontknow, thank you for writing that. I'm glad you felt you could. What happened to you is horrific. Just awful. It's not surprising that is affects you so badly. It would be great if you could forget and put it behind you but unfortunately it's not that easy. Over time the strength of the memories will fade, at least that's what happened for me.

How are you feeling, having written that down?

oooh, do tell Plink. Its not a cheap habit the old weed & when we move it will not be as readily available to us, so would like to try other stuff.

Thankfully I`ve managed never to be paranoid with smoking.The effects much stronger & long lasting if ingested though & I know people who can smoke til the cows come home but would run a mile from a happy cake.

Gentle hugs to everyone from me too.

Thank you for sharing your story Don'tKnow. That does sound absolutely horrible :( You're very brave to write it down.

I also can't smoke without getting paranoid. I used to a lot as a teenager, as well as lots of other drugs I got mildly addicted to played around with. Alcohol also usually helps me to settle at night and to avoid the nightmares, but just lately it has had a reverse effect. I'll have a great drunk tipsy night and then just as I get into bed it's like a huge boulder falls on top of me and I remember, and my intoxicated state makes it hard to stay focused on anything apart from sadness whirring round my head.

I feel like a homebirth would help me massively but I don't think it's possible. I had EMCS with first baby and the worst part was that I was in hospital for 2 weeks after she was born which is why a home birth seems so much more appealing to me. But I have health anxiety disorder and am so afraid of dying, the risk of a rupture anywhere apart from a hospital terrifies me.

Pregnancy also didn't bother me at all, not in the way I thought it might. I didn't mind being poked and prodded by midwives, and even had a sweep from a very tall, intimidating male doctor. Sex wasn't great but I became so unattractive when pregnant (stereotypical - overweight, constantly sweaty, hair became dreadlocked, skin was horrible, etc ) that I just found it impossible to become aroused at all (doesn't matter how sexy DP was, if I feel like I look shit, I'm too embarrassed to get turned on). But again, nothing to do with the fact I was Rd.

All teas, can be grown in pots and picked fresh, chopped and put in tea strainer.
Ladys Mantle - good for shock and womans problems. Not good for pregnancy/bf.

Borage - for courage, stress, depression, insomnia, ibs, menopause and hangovers.

Gotu Kola - to ease stress and relieve exhaustion.

Wood Betony - to ease nightmares put dried wood betony in a sachet under your pillow.

Elder - frayed nerves, can make cordial and wine. effective against avian flu.

From what I am aware bamboo, there is no reason, medically, you can not try for a home birth after EMCS. I know Many people with the right support who have home birthed after previous difficult deliveries & Cs`s. Although I dont know your full medical history... I suppose the anxiety is the main issue. I wanted to be anywhere but the hospital!! To me it was all about being in control for as long as possible. I was tranfared to hospital with DS1 after 12 hours labour at home. I was ok with this as I knew it was a possability Again, i know problems cant be talked or wished away, and i would never advise againt medical advice, but I truly, truly beleive if you feel in control of your prgnacy & birth there is less chance of intervention...Dont right it off just yet.
My hair & skin is shit most of the time ;)

Im terrible after a night on the booze, which is why I try to avoid over consumption. I have major guilt & paranoia after a heavy night that last days after the hangover. Its as if ive done something terribly wrong whislt i was pissed even if this is not the case. NOthing wrong with dancing till dawn, so why do I feel so bad about it afterwards?

Are you ok Dontknow?

Taking notes Plink, cheers x

Fennel - to release negative energy.

Sweet Violet - anger, anxiety, insomnia, headaches.

Maral Root or Blue Skull Cap for addictions. DO NOT USE DURING PREGNANCY OR FOR A LONG TIME.

Hawthorn - extreme stress or grief. substitute for tabacco.

Sage - anxiety, depression, memory aid. Do not take in large doses if pregnant or epileptic.

Loads more, just check for health warnings and don't take too much to start. Can be added to cooking aswell.

I'm ok thankyou Cailin, just trying to have a bit of a rest. Have been sick a few times

:( If I could I would give you a big hug (if you wanted it!) and I would make you a nice drink. If you feel up to it, try to post whatever is going through your head, it might help.

Hope it is ok for me to post here. A friend of mine phoned me last night in tears and drunk - she sounded so distraught that I went round to see her as she wasn't making sense. She told me she was abused as a child. I am not sure I handled it well as I was shocked and we both ended up in tears. I had no idea what she had been through.

I want to support her the best that I can but am not sure how. I am seeing her tomorrow - do I mention it or wait for her to mention it? I don't want to brush it under the carpet or make her think I don't care but I also don't want her to think that I see her as a different / damaged person either.

Your poor friend blob, it must have been such a shock for you to hear that :( When you go around perhaps you could tell her that you believe what she told you and that you're very sorry it happened. Also say that you are willing to listen to whatever she has to say about it, no matter what it is (if that's the case, of course) and then just listen. She might tell you she doesn't want to talk about it for the time being. If that's the case, let her take the lead and she might launch into it later in the conversation. If not, do please mention it again another time (as in, do you want to talk about what happened to you, how are you doing with it, that sort of thing) as it will be hard for her to bring it up again.

She is lucky to have you as a friend.

Blob just to add, bear in mind that she might have some odd reactions when you are talking - she might babble, or get angry or just go silent. It's scary to see that, but do hang in there and don't back away from her. Phases like that usually pass. Your friend might feel embarrassed, but reassure her that sort of thing is normal, and that you don't mind. I think the fact that you cried is a very good thing - seeing other people's reactions to the abuse when I've told them has been a massive help to me.

It sounds awful but it was easier that she was drunk. :( I had read about stuff like that in the papers but it is so different when it is someone you know. I was just so shocked as we haven't been friends for that long - I would have expected her to confide in one of her closer friends. I didn't say a lot at the time (not at my best in the middle of the night) but it was like she couldn't stop telling me about different incidents.

I just don't want her to feel ashamed or to regret telling me. I don't know how she has coped - her story was horrific.

I could see why it was easier because she was drunk. You need to decide how much support you're willing to give her because she might start to depend on you as a sort of counsellor. The reason I say this is because you mentioned you're not close friends, so it could be that she has seen you are a kind person and has sort of "latched on" to you. There is a danger in that situation that you get too involved. I'm not saying you should cut her off, but you should make it clear how much time you're willing to invest in helping her.

WRT to my last post - I say that for her good as much as yours. If she is under the impression that you are in it with her for the long haul and you bail out (legitimately) then it could be devastating for her.

I don't feel in any way qualified to act as a counsellor - it worries me as I don't want to do anything to make her feel worse. It is weird because we have only known each other a couple of months and I kept thinking that she had it all together and wishing I was so sorted.

I want her to feel that she can talk to me as a friend about anything but I don't want to be making decisions for her if that makes sense. I feel sick when I think about the horrible things that were done to her :(

You can say that to her. It's ok to admit that you're unsure what to do. Chances are all she really needs is someone to listen to her. If you feel up to doing that, you would be doing something very special and kind for her. Really when it comes down to it there are no magic words that are going to make her feel better.

blobtobetter I can relate to your friend a little in that sometimes things would build up for me, and whilst feeling vulnerable, I would just suddenly have to open up and talk about everything. Afterwards though, I could be like a closed book, not bringing it up again for years. I have to say because of how I would be feeling at the time, I didn't always choose to open up with people I was close to and it was often a shock for them too.

So it may be possible that all your friend needed was to open up and release her emotions for a while and she may even act like nothing was said and the conversation never happened. So just be prepared for that possible scenario.

When occasions like that did happen, I was immensely comforted just to have someone listen to me for the time I did need to talk. Unfortunately, I've had one occasion when a person I opened up to reacted very distantly to me afterwards and implied that if I wouldn't talk to the Police she could no longer be my friend. So if your friend does choose to keep talking, just do as you have done and listen and support her without judging.

You sound like a great friend and a caring person so from me on behalf of another survivor.

Listening I can do! I just feel so angry at a man I have never met.

She just sent me a text saying she will try to have her breakdowns in the daytime from now on. So she is up and about which is good.

Blob, could you mention here for her, you could show her the first thread, there's also rape crisis.

It's good you were so understanding, you come across as a really lovely person, maybe she just felt safe to tell you, iyswim.

Do set good boundries, abuse survivors have had boundries shattered so might not understand overstepping the mark.

First thing with any illness is ensure you look after yourself, so don't be afraid to say no and ask for help yourself. x

Don'tknow, hug x

blob i'm sorry about your friend but you really don't need to be her counseller just be there if she needs you and be a listening ear I always felt I let my bf/sister down after her rape but she never felt that she was also abused but dealt with it or so she says she is so outgoing but drinks alot I refuse to judge her both her mum and I think she has problems because of both incidents x

Hi eveyone, hope you dont mind me joining in.
My abuser still lives opposite my parents. I have been to the police as an adult to report him but they cant do anything as it's my word against his. I know he has done things to other girls that lived in our street ( we all talked about it as kids) but I feel I dont have the right to tell police their names as I cant imagine anything worse for them than to have a police man turn up at their door after all these years asking them awkward questions.
I hate knowing that he has got away with these awful things.
How can I ease my mind?