Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

Did your biological father molest you TOTU?

TOTU I always called it incest but have been told its not its much worse this was from the DC. Incest is more used as a term between adults who are related and consenting.when its a child its rape/ molestation/ abuse whatever term their all evil monsters. Funny as a child was told to look out for the strange men outside was never told not to let anyone touch me in a way I felt uncomfortable with.

"I know my mum's attitude to sexual abuse is that it's just "one of those things" which says a lot about the environment she was brought up in."

Exactly!

When I asked my sister if our brother had done it to her, she said no, but our other brother had done the childhood curiosity thing with her "you show me yours, I'll show you mine". But he never touched her.

I'm overly conscious now of going on about incest. Many posters on this thread have been badly abused by someone outside their family. So I will stop harping on.

I found out my dads 12 year old cousin was meant to be a bridesmaid when they got married in 1957 but she ended up pregnant only found this out 2 or 3 years ago after he'd died told my mum that wasn't normal and was probably abuse as 12 year olds where still very much little girls then. She actually agreed what saddens and sickens me about her is that whenever she saw news items on the TV about P*s she would say they should be locked up and throw away the key I'm at myself for being to gutless to say to her what about your own son. They even used to refer to him as my childrens uncle turned my stomach. I even got an invite to his sons wedding 18 months ago told her you know I can't go yes because of DS its to much and I said to her you know why but she just said I'll tell them its to much for him why was I such a coward.

*KarmaK" I don't believe my father molested me. I was so aware at that age -maybe 10 years old- of what was not appropriate. He basically got drunk, got in bed with me and asked in the morning "did I touch you? Nothing happened did it?"

Dotty your post made so much sense to me. I was left in the 'care' of my brothers and sisters but warned about strangers.

It wasn't strangers telling me to kiss it an suck it was it. No. It was my brother.

You weren't a coward - you were doing what you needed to do to get through another day.

There is nothing cowardly about self preservation and surviving x

TOTU I don't know if he made me do that I know he made my sister so its in the back of my mind that he had pennetrative sex with me from an early age so I worry about what I don't remember. Scares me.

Jane I'm on about just recently with my mother not what IT did to me.

I have read some of the posts and my heart goes out to you all who have suffered, most of you far worse than I am but please hear my story as it is the first time I have told it and I have been needing to tell it since for some reason it re-entered my head (kept it buried all these years and tried to pretend it didnt matter). I havent told anyone till now cos for the reasons you all mention, how on earth do you start a conversation like this, even though I have been to counselling for other things. I was abused most weeks by a teacher at my school from the ages of 10 to 13 who would before or after ridicule me (to keep me quiet). I was the fat, quiet kid anyway and he destroyed a lot of my confidence. He certainly did any confidence I had with the opposite sex. Didnt have a boyfriend till age 23 and some situations with men made me run a mile for a long time, all due to this teacher. I have been reading the campaign by Mumsnet and admire it and think for my own case it is probably too late. He is probably dead anyway and what evidence is there from 30 years ago. Thoughts and advice please, how do I deal with it. I think about it most days now. Is it cos I have small children and worry for them. I kept it buried 'successfully' for years. Can anyone suggest a helpline for me. I wasnt thankfully raped but without going into details was definitely abused. Thank you for listening. This is the first time I have ever told anyone. Much love to you all.

dotty I knew you meant recently with your mum - but your reaction was still because of the abuse you suffered.

Avoiding confrontation over it is self preservation and survival.

(if I have understood properly - apologies if I am talking crap).

genesgirl - I believe you. What a dreadful abuse of your trust.

There is a very good American website - pandoras, rape crisis are very good here.

There are lots of forums and support out there.

Genesgirl please don't underestimate how bad your abuse was, it is disgusting that an adult with that much power and authority over you, who should be trustworthy did that. Well done for telling your story, i don't mean that to be patronising, but I know how hard it is.
The memories will be coming back now because it is time to deal with them, maybe before your children reach that age.
There are so many different ways to heal from abuse so i guess it depends what you feel you need. I've read books, seen counsellors, attended a survivors group and the best but hardest for me is writing memories down. I find the emories i can't quite access flood out of the pen onto the paper, generally with a heap of tears. I don't recommend that if you feel unsafe and vulnerable though. I haven't found any helplines really but hopefully someone else will know
There are some books linked on this thread and i found Penny Parks-rescuing the inner child good (although haven't worked through the hard bits yet)
If you trust your gp you could ask them if there are any local services for survivors of abuse or even victim support.
My experience taught me that you need to be strong and completely ready to report the abuse to the police, if you choose to x

Hi genesgirl, thank you for posting, I'm so glad you felt able to talk about what happened to you here. If it helps you can keep posting here, just any thoughts that come into your head or any memories that you want to get down.

In terms of helplines, I've found the Samaritans very good when I just want someone to listen to me for a while. They won't give you any advice but they will just let you say what's on your mind which is really helpful. Their number is 08457 90 90 90. You can also email them if you find that easier - [email protected]

In the long term you could go to your GP and talk to him/her. He/she might be able to refer you for counselling (although waiting lists tend to be long) or suggest a local support group.

What that teacher did to you was awful, and totally wrong. It should never have happened.

I had a severe panic attack earlier which scared the life out of me. I haven't had one for years but this was a full blown sobbing, shaking, strange noise escaping meltdown. Followed by hyperventilating, nearly blacking out and pins and needles everywhere. I was stuck sitting on the kitchen floor for 45 mins with my baby in my arms and had to phone the crisis team for help calming down.
I don't want to upset anyone by going into details but I was trapped inside some horrific abuse and couldn't get back.
I feel much better now though so i guess it was better out than in. I tried for years to suppress this one but now i know its true and i've relived it, it doesn't feel so huge.
Hope everyone is doing ok. My son seems ok today thanks, if we sleep tonight i might be too :)

JaneDoe and NHAN thank you so much for being the first people to listen and let me take that first step. Bless you both for answering, I was worried I would be ignored, probably cos I was all those years ago. NHAN you arent patronising, you listenend and valued my story. Why couldnt I get help then? I am annoyed with myself but I was locked in my own world then. I think these abusers dont realise the damage they do do they? I want my boys to be stronger than I was, yes you are right that is why it has come to the surface as I worry for them. Thank-you again, that was my first step. Hopefully I can take more and get some much needed healing. NHAN, did you report your abuse then, was it from a long time ago? Forgive me if your story is above....

To those of you whose parents didnt believe, or have swept your abuse under the carpet I would like to say.

I am an abuse survivor, as such I was the most over protective, cautious parent in the world. I never left my DC with strangers, or with people I didnt trust. I kept them safe, I followed all the advice for protecting your children. I created this wonderful, loving world.

I was open, honest and loving, I taught them about danger, and encouraged a life where there were no secrets.

And somehow, I still managed to let DC down and allow a monster into their lives.

I would be abused myself a million times over, if it prevented what happened to DC from happening, because there is something worse than being raped yourself and its knowing exactly how it feels and that your beloved DC has also experienced rape.

The abuser is dead to all of us as is anyone who choses to have that abuser in their lives. How anyone can take the precious gift their DC offers them, when they trust them enough to disclose, and throw that gift in their faces is absolutely beyond me.

I wish, above all wishes, I had told the DCs what happened to me, I am proud of surviving and I wonder, if I had disclosed some of the abuse I suffered, whether what happened would have happened, if by creating a perfect world, I put too much pressure on them to maintain the abuers secret when something bad did happen.

genes you couldnt have reported, the abuser KNEW that, abuse is by its nature secretive, the ABUSER is at fault, not you, you were a child, a scared child, being abused by someone in a position of trust.

:(.

NHAM (gentle hug).

I am sorry if I have crashed your thread as a parent.

not at all janedoe.

As my daughter nears the age I was when I was abused, I get tenser and tenser. She doesn't play out on the street, but one day soon she probably will. I rely on dh to know what is acceptable and normal, as I just don't. I wasn't allowed to cross the road or leave our street when I was her age, and I was still abused by an older child for 2 years, and then my mother married an alcoholic with paedophilic tendencies. You just do the best you can - by the way I was raised, I am light years ahead of the way I was 'brought' up.

My mother has always had very odd ideas about 'normal' sexuality - she and her husband would discuss their sex life in detail with me from age of 11 up. I was aware of my mums views on swinging, prostitutes etc from a very young age. (5years+). Porn was normal at home, I was asked by my stepdad if I wanted to look at 'pictures' (wink wink) with him. That still haunts me. I sat there thinking, this just isn't happening, its not happening. I was 12. he asked me for a hug, I refused and ran, literally, out of the house, and 3 miles away to where my mum worked. I was terrified he would be chasing after me (no way, too pissed)

It is great to have somewhere to talk about this, I'm not even sure I've told dh about that XXXXX

genesgirl I read your posts too, so proud of you for saying it 'out loud' - it does help release the pressure.

Thank you manic, I am terrified all the time now, I have more DCs, and given that I did, absolutely everything I could to keep my other children safe, I no longer know what to do.

Ive read every website I can looking for advice, but I have already followed ALL the advice that is out there, to no avail really.

manic I stopped reading at page 10, I havent yet read your story. I will though - I am so sorry for the things you have posted - porn at 12, how sad for you.

Re your daughter, I am trying to let the children be children, but god its hard, I dont like them being with anyone other than DH or myself, or in PG, as its a group setting with open door policies, I dont even really like them with my mum or my sister, I have to force myself to allow them anywere.

sometimes I think he married my mum so he could abuse me,
and the only reason,
i still think about what happened almost every day, more know than when I was younger,
I look at my kids and wonder how sick and twisted there minds are..
sometimes I want someone to kill him, and cut it off and make him feel so much pain,
I feel he's won, he's rewind my life, I'll never be normal, I'll always have this ‘tag’ attached to me, I'll always have those uncomfortable moments, or that look of ‘is she for real'?
I'm sick of being someone who was abused and having and dealing with problems I know have, that I never asked for.. I don't want to have to explain anymore,
I have images, like small videos of things that happened, I feel sick and disgusting,
why me? I remember a very happy very confident little girl, why didn't I have the courage to tell, and even know,,
my sister told our mum, I was put into a room with some woman who didn't have a clue, I made out like I was a normal happy child, I convinced her nothing was wrong all because I was too frightened to be taken away from my mother,
my sister ended up in foster care, we are together know but I don't think she's ever forgave me, I don't blame her if she did,
if I'd of told she would never of went into care, I knew people were behind the mirrored wall, I was clever, why wasn't I brave?
thank you for creating this thread, it's let me get out my thoughts,
I'm sorry that it happened to you all too,
hugs x

That kind of makes sense with getting tenser when your kids reach the age you where or had first memories of abuse as it was when my eldest was just coming up to 4 that I broke all contact with so called brother. Jane my niece ended up being abused by her uncles step-daughter while she was babysitting she's now 28 and going through therapy I just hope it wasn't me that triggered her memories as I'm close to them and would never forgive myself for causing her pain. If they want to hurt the vulnerable they will nothing bar keeping them with us 24/7 will ever stop these monsters.

liverLadyLass you were brave, you were getting through the only way you could, you were a child, a little girl, you are not to blame, for not telling, not at all, the abuser knew you were scared of losing your mum, the abuser was an adult who prayed on your vunerabilities, dont blame yourself

dotty what terrifies me is DC practically was with me 24/7 :(

dotty, you most likely gave her the courage she needed to seek help for herself.