Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

I agree with Jasmine. There's no need to minimise what happened to you because you think others will feel it "wasn't as bad." All that matters is how you feel, not how others perceive it.

My counseller keeps pulling me up on lots of things the 'S' words are banned sorry, silly, stupid, should of. Also comparing my abuse to much more rare cases such as the Austrian ones I try to minimise what happened to me I know it was severe he could of ripped my insides apart but acceptance is so hard for me. I have such a long way to go and find some days so hard have got into so many bad habits used to be up and dressed by 7 now I'm lucky to be dressed by 11 just need to get my act together I know.

Dotty, do you find it hard to go to your job?

Dotty, did you think I was judging you? I didn't mean to, or anybody else. Is comparison judging? I'm very bad with social situations as I'm used to everything being my fault.

I was out orienteering yesterday and on the walk home we passed a group of boys about 8 or 9ish. They looked upset, one more so than the others, as we were passing this one said "he's a bad man" really vehemently. Been in a headfunk worrying about him and think I should have done something to help.

I've been a carer for my son for years Karma was going to be looking for work had an interview in November and blew it had to turn down a job offer 2 weeks before chrtistmas friends husband phoned to offer me it wasn't in a good place I'm going to look once I'm better. PP no I didn't was just saying that I'm just as bad and I do know I do it but can't help feel that others have it so much worse after all I'm still married have 3 wonderful children whom I was extremely lucky to have others on here have had it so much worse than me. Think when you've been through what we all have its easy to give advice to others but we don't listen to our own advice at least I am like that.

Hi Dotty, if you're a carer for your son it might be a bit too much to take on to get a job outside as well?

I was asking because I find it incredibly hard to work at times due to the D.I.D and the PTSD. But I have no choice but to work unless I want to starve and be homeless.

1980, glad you got away from them, you and your sister should be very proud of yourselves.

KarmaK could you go to cab and ask them to do a benefit check for you? people with DID should get help, I only dissociate slightly not a full split and could get help if needed.

Although I'm not in England as I presume you are so it might be different, MIND might also be able to help?

Thanks Plink. Even when I was so ill that I had to be visited at home by psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse at least once per day, I still didn't get any benefits.

Karma, one of the descriptors for ESA is "loss of consciousness while awake."

Should you decide to claim on this basis, you're likely to encounter some half-trained twit who doesn't understand how you can be 'absent while present'. On the positive side, they are also likely to be frightened of the disorder especially if you ramp it up.

My illnesses, which keep me on ESA (god willing - I'm up for reassessment) basically mean I need a ton of time off before I even have a hope of improving. I imagine your medical people would be likely to say the same for you; would they? Would it be helpful for you to be able to slow down and rest more?

... this should be in Mental Health, but what the hell. I loved this EastEnders episode, where . (The character has bi-polar, though she wasn't fraudulently claiming - her sister was.)

Karma and Garlic, CAB can provide someone to go to benefit assessments with you, if you are making yourself worse by working you will cost the country more if you have a breakdown, by trying to stop that happen until you are in a more positive place getting some help from the country will cost less. Although, again, I'm not up to date on the cuts but I'm presuming there are still benefits available.

What's esa?

Garlic, i definitely need rest! But even though I'm working full time I am still making some progress health wise. The therapy really is working. But I'm exhausted and stressed.

What illnesses do you have Garlic. I believe you have Dissociative symptoms too, is that right? Do you find getting the needed rest has assisted you with getting well?

Have you been offered any medications that help you at all. I find that my main symptoms dissociation and severe PTSD hyper-startle, don't seem to respond to any medications that I know of. Doctors have offered anti-depressants but I'm wary of the weight gain and other side effects that go with anti-depressants

Karma, I'm on sertraline which is an anti depressant used also for ptsd, it's the only AD I've been on which hasn't had an extremely nasty reaction to me. It has helped me with the ptsd. I also take beta blockers for anxiety.

What type of job do you do? could you look at a different job or less hours?

CAB can provide someone to go to benefit assessments with you - WOW! I never knew that! Thanks a million, Plink :)

My diagnoses are very boring, Karma - anxiety, depression and CFS/ME. I dissociate but the shrink/doc don't seem to think it's all that debilitating. As I've found out more about it, I suspect I've downplayed the severity. But, from what you've said, your symptoms are more extreme and could possibly get all the 'points' you need to be signed off.

I take very high doses of antidepressants; it took at least five tries to find a combination that works (ie, keeps me alive.) I devote most of my time to my recovery - resting, learning how to pace myself, doing therapy at home and so on. It's a pain in the arse, but I made this commitment just over a year ago - until then, I was telling myself it was just a blip. Ironically, I needed to get well enough to recognise that I'm sick

Stay strong Garlicbutter! Well done you for making your healing a priority. When you mention you do therapy at home do you mean the therapist comes to your home?

As well as weekly therapy I've found other stuff equally helpful. Different types of "bodywork" have really helped in terms of resurrecting body memories and then releasing them from my body. Stuff like cranio sacral therapy, shiatsu etc.

Thank you, KarmaK. No, I ran out of NHS therapy last Christmas. I use what I've learned from therapy and follow a couple of books for structure. And waffle away on Mumsnet

Paid-for therapies are out of the question, plus I can't travel or do much exercise at all (have got fat, but not gaining any more so can live with it.) I hate shiatsu. You've just reminded me, though, of some dance exercises that made me cry once: emotionally, not from pain! So I might try a bit of that, see how it feels - I'll try it on a good day. Thanks.

Garlic, I think MIND can also help with a representative for benefit assesments. I used to work in social inclusion so it's just past knowledge.

I do a lot of therapy at home too. It's not posh enough where I am for your stuff though Karma

Hehe Plink, where I live is not posh at all either!

I think the cows and sheep might look at me funny if I tried to shiatsu with them though. Ahh the distance dreams of civilisation, do love it here though, red squirrel, deer, birds of prey, oyster catchers, various wild geese etc etc

Slightly random question but any of you have friends or relatives who come out with lines like

"You need to just forget about that stuff, put the past behind you."

or other abuse survivors who come out with lines like

"I didn't need therapy, I just got on with my life and never let it define me."

I have a half sister who almost boasts about how she was raped as a kid, emotionally abused etc and managed to get on with her life without ever having therapy or any form of counseling. She doesn't seem to connect the unresolved abuse factor with the fact that she's in a marriage with a man who regularly kicks her in the face, cheats on her, has given her an STD, has thrown her from a moving car and that she has a fairly severe eating disorder, a criminal record and openly admits she's never felt able to hug or kiss any of her three children.

My mother said the "put it behind you" thing, that's why I don't really have a relationship with her any more.

I only know one other abuse survivor in real life and while she would admit it affects her she would never connect her alcoholism, heavy smoking and issues with food to it.

It sounds like your half sister is determined never to face up to what happened. I can understand that, but it's such a shame as it is clearly still affecting her life really badly.

That sounds awful Karma, sounds like she's still in denial. I hate touching people or being touched but try to give lots of hugs and kisses to DS, though I think he knows it's difficult.

A family member told me to lock it all up in a box and throw away the key.

Do whats best for you, if they choose to ignore all you can do I suppose is tell them you'll always be there for them if needs be, but protect yourself. Give lots of hugs to your DN's.

Something small but positive - the friends we had over left today (thankfully, am knackered) and one left behind a gorgeous box of chocolates we got her for her birthday. She texted to say go ahead and eat them ourselves (she lives abroad, so no chance of seeing her soon) and I have eaten four! That's a big step for me, as I have had quite a relaxing day and definitely don't feel I've earned four chocolates, but I'm working on being less controlling, and boy are those chocolates amazzzzzing.

Enjoy the chocolates!!!! :)