Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

My mother said the "put it behind you" thing, that's why I don't really have a relationship with her any more.

I find it very annoying (understatement) when relatives make these comments. One of my Aunts told me "just put it all behind you love. Forget about it and move on." This same Aunt knew about me being abused at the time and didn't do anything about it. Indeed when I was a teenager I was in a right state psychologically and I recall I confronted this Aunt more than once and on one occasion I screamed WHY DID YOU LET THAT MAN RAPE ME WHEN I WAS BARELY 3 YEARS OLD?? She looked me dead in the eye and replied I'VE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT LOVE! It was only years and years later when I got hold of all my medical records etc that I saw reference to it all in the notes, confronted my Aunt and she admitted she knew I was being sexually assaulted at that age but she didn't want to encourage me to talk about it or "remember" it so she decided to deny any knowledge of it. Silly cow!

Thanks Skinned :)

I think if close family members say it, like your aunt and my mother, Karma, they say it out of guilt and in the hope that you'll shut up about it so that they won't have to deal with it. When others say it I think mostly they mean well, but it's just such a ridiculous thing to say. Surely if I could put it behind me I would? Do they think I enjoy suffering or something? Idiots.

Glad you had a good weekend Cailin.

Do they think I enjoy suffering or something? Idiots.

Exactly!!!

See I did put it behind me for 20 odds years as I didn't think anything would change or so I thought but it HAS to come out before it destroys both you and your family. Never had it said to me in so many words but my dad might as well have said it.

Cailin - I'm so glad you ate the chocolates It's okay to have pleasure just for its own sake, isn't it?

Well done :)

Do you all have lots of friends, on line and RL, I haven't really had friends for a long time and don't think I ever really will.

I don't PP but I think its a mixture of being stuck at home for years, this happening so very little trust and my dad always falling out with people one of his favourites was dropping someone when their husband or wife died without explanation.

I've never admitted my abuse to my Mum, because it was my brother (her son) that abused me and I didn't want to 'taint' her with the knowledge. Does that make sense? Plus I would get the "just put it behind you" line.

My Mum has mentioned several times that in her day (she's 72) it was common for the girls in the family to be sent up the stairs to 'service' their fathers.

I can't and won't ever tell her what went on between me and my brother.

That's sick TOTU reminds me of Fred West.

I have quite a lot of friends Plink although a lot of them are people I know through DH. The friends that were around at the weekend are people DH knows through university and a hobby he does, though I know them quite well too. I find them a bit immature to be honest but it was still nice to have company around.

I am up to page 10, I cant read anymore today - I am reading in the hope of gaining some understanding in how to support someone, but I want to say to each and every poster so far, I believe you all.

If I was your friend and you disclosed to me, I would see a brave person, a person with the courage to speak, I wouldnt withdraw from you, or see you as somehow "less", I would see you as the brave survivor you are.

The abusers are clever, by its very nature they want their abuse to remain hidden, they control children through various methods, even much loved and ptrotected children, who live in houses where there is openess and affection and love.

Abuse happens to children from all families, in all walks of life and in no way is the child, ever, ever,ever to blame.

Plink, yes I have a lot of friends. About 30% of them are absolutely lovely, healthy brilliant people. The remaining 70% are abusive tossers. I used to (unconsciously) choose people who reminded me of my azzhole family as my friends. But since therapy etc I'm choosing nice people as friends. It initially felt alien to me to choose to hang out with people who like me, are nice, are healthy, positive etc :)

My Mum has mentioned several times that in her day (she's 72) it was common for the girls in the family to be sent up the stairs to 'service' their fathers.

This is one of the most shocking friends I have ever read. What the HELL?????????

My Mum has mentioned several times that in her day (she's 72) it was common for the girls in the family to be sent up the stairs to 'service' their fathers.

oh, god, TOTU, that tells you everything you need to know about her own childhood, doesn't it :(

No, it was not common.

Pink, I am friendless Mostly due to mega lifestyle change, but the nicest ones have stuck around. However, I'm too full of the stuff in my head to relate normally for more than ten minutes! Even when I think I'm being normal, I'm all intense and reading between every flippin' line.

Actually, I shall work on having some non-intense strands of conversation. Good point.

Dotty, Cailin, I probably just need a job to get me around people again. Just feels a bit weird to be "chatting" to people. I do voluntry stuff but it's more a responsible role.

Totu, the cycle of abuse is quite depressing.

PP even when I've worked really had trouble talking to people always felt an outsider I have lots of aquaintances through the kids bit the one Real friend I have went through the same as me and we are more like sisters IYSWIM and her mum has always been more of a mum to me.

Jane, well I grew up in a 1+1/2 million pound house so yes abuse does happen in all walks of life.

Karma, I used to be friends with a lot of abusive people.

Garlic, oh I do that, reading people, I am meeting people in RL just taking it slowly and analysing everybody.

Just noticing I tend to pull away more in RL, might have to stop that and just chill a bit. I can be safe in RL.

Dotty thats it, I feel like an outsider in RL. DS has just squirted ketchup all over himself! He's 16!!

I agree that what my Mother said was shocking. Maybe she was abused herself. I just don't know. I'm sorry if I upset anyone by posting that comment.

Friends-wise, I've just made a new one. I'm trying so badly not to keep retreating and living in my lone-parent bubble. I've said we'll meet up in a few weeks (after half-term).

I was shocked but not upset TOTU my step-mil is 72 and wanted to know what the hell was wrong with my mother she is there for me her and fil are on about coming up if its goes to trial wish mum was there for me

I'm sorry if I upset anyone by posting that comment.

Not upset TOTU, my jaw just hit the floor. It also made me feel for you as it's tough to grow up with a mother with that kind of mindset right?

It didn't upset me. In fact understanding that that attitude was around in previous generations goes some way towards understanding why some mothers ended up being so useless at protecting their daughters. I know my mum's attitude to sexual abuse is that it's just "one of those things" which says a lot about the environment she was brought up in.

I know people complain about children having too many rights these days but if that saves one child from abuse I'm ok with it. I would rather my son was bolshy and rude than shy and abused.

dotty abuse in itself is sick. Again, I'm sorry if I've upset anyone by quoting what my Mother told me.

I was abused by my brother so that's incest. There are no levels (as far as I know) on this thread about what is sicker or worse than anything else.

We've all been abused. That is the thing we have in common. My alcoholic biological Father used to get in bed with me after a drinking session then ask in the morning "did I do anything wrong?".

My Step-father used to want French Kisses.

It's all sick. All wrong.

X-posted with the last 3 posts. x