Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

janedoe,
thank you, I do blame myself for my sisters problems, she's know an alcoholic, doesn't work and was wild after leaving home and going into care, if I'd of spoke up it would never of gone any further and we would be closer, I remember her taking me to a blokes house there was the guy there and a woman, I had to sit in the living room with the woman, while she went into the room with the guy, they were having sex, I knew what was happening, and I was scared I was going to be next, the woman tried to cover it up by talking to me,
when they'd finished he handed her something... this was her way of getting drugs in a way she knew only how to pay for it, we left, I was so relieved,
my sister became very nasty to me when growing up, I think she blames me deep down,, we've never spoken about any of it to each other... and I don't know why?

liverladylass, we all think about what might have been, if we had done things differently, I feel so responsible for what has happened to my DC, but the fault, and I know this, and I tell myself this a million times a day, the fault lies with the ABUSER, not with you, not with me, we didnt abuse anyone, you or I.

You were just a little girl, terrified out of your wits.

I didnt speak out when I was abused, and I was an adult, how much more terrifying was it for you. As a survivor and a parent of a survivor in waiting, I understand how the fear makes you not say anything, fear of your world crashing down around you.

Dont blame yourself. Lay the blame firmly where it lies, on the abuser.

Thats not to invalidate your feelings, I tell my DC everything they feel is OK, they are allowed to feel whetever they feel, but they have nothing to blame themselves for, and neither do you.

The abuse affected the way I feel about being a woman. I have felt that I'm dirty, ugly, disgusting and as worthless as a lump of dog shit.

For years people kept telling me how pretty I am and I assumed they were saying it just to humiliate me. I looked in the mirror and I would see the ugliest most revolting waste of space imaginable.

Then I realise that the ugliness I kept seeing in myself was the ugliness of the abuse rather than how I physically look. It was the evil, violence, filthiness, seediness, hate and anger of the men who raped me.

Bizarrely it turns out that physically I actually am pretty. I first noticed this just last year I think and I'm well into my 30s. What a joke. What a lot of good it's done me.

Good morning all.

KarmaK i understand that ugly and worthless feeling. That's why I gave myself up to a man who I never really loved (my ex-h). People said when we married that they couldn't believe he'd "landed such a good one". Not that physical beauty is anything to be proud of and I've definitely deteriorated over the years!

I do still feel un-loveable but that's due to other issues. Not the abuse.

Liverlass my sisters both broke down the first time I saw them after reporting him and I told them how bad I felt because I'd caused their pain but they both said they were crying for me because they never said anything and according to them I was just a baby when he abused me both had problems as teens but we where never left alone with drs etc to talk. It wasn't their fault just like it wasn't yours. They had both left home by the time I was 10 and both have always said they would of taken me with them if they'd known but they thought he wouldn't touch me with being so young.

I have a memory like a snapshot in my mind of myself as a little girl, aged about 4 or 5, running scared and confused out of my parents' bedroom. My dad is in the room with a horrible smile on his face, with a huge erect penis. I don't know what happened in that room. I can't remember anything else. But why was I in the bedroom with my dad like that? From other things that have happened since I was an adult I have guessed that my dad was trying to make me touch his penis but I didn't want to and so ran out of the room feeling scared and confused at the way my dad was behaving.

I'm sorry to just throw this in here like this, I just needed to say it. Have never told anyone before.

Karmak, me too, I've always felt ugly and unfeminine. And always felt ashamed of my normal sexual urges and desires.

Morning all, yep another ugly one here, and I wasn't allowed to talk to the doctors on my own as a teenager.

Cailin, I was going to pm but have issues with secrecy, hope you don't mind. The threads nearing the end and I presume a new one will continue? would a couple of links like rape crisis, samaritans, napac (national association of people abused in childhood, lots of info there) or havoca (another abuse site) be useful in the opener? just a pondering so apologies if it's daft and you have it sorted

I've been dipping in & out of this thread for some time but JaneDoe's posting has prompted me to post too - have been concerned not to hijack as I too am a mother of a survivor but have no conscious memory of abuse myself although some of the postings have made me start to wonder about some of my memories.

It breaks my heart to read the stories of people who have tried to disclose & not been believed or have sought support years later and experienced rejection or hostility from people whose own view of their world is so severely challenged by the disclosure.

I do know the sheer terror and disbelief of hearing that someone you 'loved and trusted' (those words still stick in my throat) has violated that trust in the worst possible way. When my daughter disclosed to me a couple of years ago that the man who I believed was my soulmate had been going into her bedroom I felt my blood turn to ice, I was paralysed with shock and simply couldn't get my head around that he was capable of doing such things to her.

But the idea of not believing her and not doing everything in my power to protect her simply didn't arise - I can't understand a parent not moving heaven & earth to stop their child being hurt.

I am so sorry for everyone here who has suffered at the hands of people who use their positions of power and influence to inflict pain and suffering on innocent children and who had nowhere to turn and no-one to stand up for them. You deserved so much more.

Hi Plink, thanks for reminding me to check the number of posts, I had forgotten. I'll keep an eye on it and I'll make sure to start a new one once we get close to 1000.

I'll start a list of resources now, and anyone who wants to add to it can, so that we can paste it onto the start of the new thread. If anyone has found any support lines etc particularly unhelpful it would also be useful to know that.

Samaritans
national association for people abused in childhood
Rape Crisis

Some recommended books:
Beginning To Heal
The Courage To Heal

Please feel free to add other links.

I'm so sorry to read that your daughter was abused Milly. It's a terrible thing to have to deal with, but the fact that you believe her and are willing to help her will go a very long way to helping her to heal.

pandoras - a support room and chat room for survivors, victims and their friends and family- American based
mosac supporting non abusing parents and carers - London based but lovely on the phone
women against rape self help guide to court - this is excellent and makes very good reading

Milly - I am so sorry to read of another family in our own special hell.

Love to you and your beautiful daughter.

Can I check with Cailin and the other posters if you mind us posting x

Thanks Cailin. Unfortunately, no matter how many times I hear that I did the right thing and took action immediately and that this is the best thing I could have done, it doesn't do anything for the guilt that I feel that I didn't do my job and protect my little girl, prevent this from happening somehow.

I know intellectually that this was his doing, he was manipulative, deceitful, sly, that it was his responsibility but it doesn't stop me from feeling an abject failure that I didn't spot it, that it took her 3 months to tell me, that he must have had it in mind for much longer (probably from the day we met).

Like JaneDoe, I wish it could have been me instead. I'd had conversations with both of my children about 'good touch/bad touch' etc but the one thing that I didn't emphasise was "no matter who it is". I realise now that I was ridiculously naive. I must have believed that I would be able to spot an abuser a mile away.

The irony is that I now realise that my upbringing & crappy non existent boundaries that my mother had probably meant the opposite was the case.

Yes, perhaps a separate thread for mothers might be more appropriate?

Milly don't beat yourself up - I know you will - but as an abuse survivor myself, I can tell you - I did do everything to keep the DCs safe - I trusted no-one.

And still an abuser got them them in the worst ways.

These men are clever and manipulative and they know exactly what they are doing.

The fault is that of the abuser.

I can't speak for everyone, but I don't mind you posting here at all Milly and Jane. Reading about mums who actually care is quite comforting really. It is very sad that your children suffered abuse, but I do believe that a loving parent can really take away a lot of the pain it causes. Most of the survivors of abuse on this thread have mentioned unhelpful relatives and from my point of view, the worst most lasting effect of the abuse has been the fact that my mother did nothing to help me and has no interest in helping me now.

Dear JaneDoe and Milly, I read your posts earlier but didn't want to reply immediately. To discover that your own child's trusting innocence has been violated in such a frightening, cruel way must be catastrophic. I can barely imagine how betrayed you felt.

I wish my own mother had felt that way about damage being done to her children. I understand how she coped with it - by splitting her thoughts & feelings - but she was incapable of putting us first. Her weakness and fear perpetuated a story of violence through the generations.

No-one can anticipate or prevent every bad thing that may happen in life. What matters is how you respond to the bad things. When the victim is your child, your response determines theirs and how they will be affected. Neither of you stood bleating in the background like my mother: you understood the danger and dealt with it. For that, I admire you.

I can't speak for others, of course, but I don't 'blame' you. I respect you and am sorry for your pain.
I also wanted to say that, if the abusers are part of the weave of your birth family, there may be and have been other instances. I hope you've both sought appropriate counselling for yourselves, because you do not deserve to suffer.

x-post, Cailin :)

Why are so many people in society so scathing towards sex abuse/rape survivors? If someone overcomes a physical illness or something they're a hero but it seems sex abuse survivors are treated with contempt.

I'm honestly not sure if a lot of that isn't the survivors own perception Karma. Have you directly encountered contempt? I've encountered an unwillingness to talk mainly. The only contempt I've seen was in the so called "Misery Lit" threads on MN where people were effectively saying abuse survivors were sick for wanting to tell their story.

I personally have found it very helpful to hear from mothers on this thread! My mother had very odd reactions to my stepdad's innapropriate and overly sexual behaviour towards me - basically when I complained that it made me feel uncomfortable and I didn't like it, she stated that I should be flattered as it meant he found me attractive (WTF?!) I was 11.

She found out about abuse that was done by an older child when I was 7-9 and literally just swept it under the carpet. We never spoke of it again and she very much treated any 'complaints' I ever had as me being silly or over-reacting.

So it is a revelation for me to hear real mothers reactions to their children. It wasn't until I was nearly 30 that I finally understood that the vast majority of mothers love their children and try to look after their welfare - I genuinely thought parents simply tolerated the emotional and financial demands of their children because they had to.

Thanks so much Cailin & Garlic. I have hesitated to post before now because so many of the survivors here seem to have had unsupportive family members or others & I didn't want, in any way, to highlight that with posts about having done what should be done when faced with a child standing in front of you telling you what you know to be true, despite desperately wanting to believe otherwise.

I am terrified for the longer term effects on my daughter - she is only 12 now and still doesn't have the context that I do as an adult about what she experienced. But that will change soon, I'm sure, as she becomes more aware of her own sexuality.

I haven't read too much from survivors whose parents/family members did protect them when they disclosed so I have no idea what she's in for. I wonder if she will turn to drugs/alcohol/other men, will she need years of further therapy? and all the while trying not to overreact to a 'normal' preteen, trying not to attribute every little upset/trantrum/outburst to the fact that she is a survivor of abuse

Jane and Milly, sorry if I missed your posts, I don't mind you posting at all, I'm sorry you had to be victims as well.

I for one am going through healing and sometimes get in a funk, ie triggered and thats all I can see/post about.

It is comforting to have caring mothers post, it helps to break the cycle and maybe a mother in RL reading of your strength and supportive might find courage from you. That can only be a good thing.

janejoe: I'm sorry that it had happened to you and you dc,, I glad your dc is ok know,, and thanks for your kind words, only I can't help it I think I need to go back and speak to a councillor again but maybe put everything in words on paper so I don't have to look up and make that awful eye contact when explaining everything,
dotty: my sister did try and get me but before I'd spoken to the child therapist, afterwards when she was in care I did go and visit but the further I grew up it's like the further we've grown apart? she's such a lovely person in everyday life but when she has alcohol she becomes quite aggressive and bullying,
I'm glad your siblings showed you they were upset with what happened to you,,

it's weird my mum ever told me she loved me back untill I was engaged and living away from my home town..
she was always kind tuff loving,
if I was ill we'd just have to get on with it,
I remember coming back from Ireland with him on the train,, and I started my periods, I was 13, and so frightened, lucky I had a towel the doctor had sent me a month before, I didn't really know what to do, I was so gullible and immature, but my mum could never talk to us about stiff like that?
I went home in tears hoping she'd give me a cuddle and talk to me about it,
she told me not to be silly and put the kettle on?
what I'm trying to say I think, if she was less more like that and more open and loving towards me maybe I would of opened up and told her,, I blame her sometimes but sometimes I don't?
I know tell my kids I love them and cuddle them everyday., and they know there is nothing they cant tell me,