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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

999 replies

CailinDana · 19/03/2012 12:51

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

OP posts:
TOTU · 19/03/2012 14:31

I may post later. Undecided right now.

Thanks

Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 14:32

Take your time TOTU.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 19/03/2012 14:33

I've posted quite a lot on the MH boards over the last few months about this and got wonderful support, it shouldn't be a taboo subject if it wasn't perhaps more kids could be protected from these BASTARDS . I have up and down moments still been told I will never be able to bury it again now that I've opened the floodgates so to speak, I'll just have to learn to live with it.

Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 14:34

I agree with you dotty, the taboo gives abusers iron-clad protection from discovery.

Keeping children in the dark about sex does not help them.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 19/03/2012 14:37

The Courage to Heal is meant to be a good book I've been recommended it by a friend. I have read the preceding book Beginning to Heal counseller at Rape Crisis centre leant it to me at the start of my counselling 4 and a half months ago.

Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 14:40

Thanks for those recommendations dotty, I'll find Amazon links to them and I'll start compiling a list.

Beginning to Heal
The Courage to Heal

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 14:41

What did you think of "Beginning to Heal" dotty? I haven't read any books on the topic myself.

OP posts:
oikopolis · 19/03/2012 14:44

this happened to me. it is very tough to talk about. luckily I met my DH when i was still young enough not to feel i should shut up about it in fact at that age I still wasn't even sure whether i had been abused or whether i had been complicit in the whole thing (which is common of course and the fact is, victims are almost always complicit, that's part of the headfuck isn't it?) -- so he knows all about what happened.

as we got deeper into our 20s it was actually HIS reactions of rage and mourning and grief for me, over a period of years, that helped me to see how awful the whole thing was and how it wasn't my fault at all.

nowadays as an adult, and after tonnes of therapy (ongoing), it's got a little harder in some ways. i'm more mature and therefore more empathetic, so there's part of me who's learned not to broach the subject of my abuse with friends because i've realised how extremely distressed most of them become when i do so.

i have in the past disclosed very minor things to newish friends, and have actually see them physically withdraw from me in shock. they no longer see me as they did before... they don't know where to look, what to say. it makes me sad. because i know these women will never know the whole of me and accept me. the abuse was one of many things that made me what i am, and i've accepted that, but it's sad for me that i have to lock up those parts in order to keep other people comfortable.

it got worse when we emigrated actually. my home country has eye-watering abuse and rape statistics. as a result, almost every woman and girl i knew, including all my female family members, had had an experience similar to my own. here, where i live now, the idea of rape and sexual assault and especially child sexual abuse seems to bring on a physical response of revulsion (which is good!). back home, it's more of a that's-life thing. (which is sad.) but there's a sense in which it's easier to talk about.

i am very lucky though that my DH knows everything. i can always talk to him if i need to. i admit i try not to broach the subject though, unless the situation is dire. it's just such a nasty nasty thing to think about. esp for your sexual partner. it took years for there not to be any shadows across the bed for us. i hate thinking they might pop up again

dottyspotty2 · 19/03/2012 14:45

It started to put a lot of the jigsaws in place made me realize that lots of my 'problems' around eating,sleeping and having to be in control was all done to 'IT' (what the people who've stood by me call him.

dottyspotty2 · 19/03/2012 14:47

Down to I mean. See that's the thing I'm worried about people judging me as its going to be obvious to anyone who watchs the DVD that I went to IT willingly.

Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 14:51

I can relate totally to what you're saying oikopolis. A friend of mine cried, really sobbed, when I told him what happened to me. In a way that was hugely, massively healing for me because it validated in a very real way that what happened was wrong and awful. The fact that he felt so sad about it, so distraught, helped me to connect with my own feelings about it. I had put so much of it in a box it was almost as if I could feel nothing about it, I was stuck in frozen mode and that was stopping me from moving on. His reaction taught me, I suppose, what a normal reaction was.

Seeing other people's reactions is hard. But also important I think. It's the shying away from it that's difficult, the feeling that you're cut off and not "allowed" to talk about it.

I have the same issues with my DH. He is supportive but he doesn't know the full story, I find it so hard to talk to him about it.

OP posts:
DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 19/03/2012 14:54

Happened to me when I was 16, went on for 2 years. I wholeheartedly agree that it is a taboo subject. Nobody wants to discuss it, as well as mental health issues IMO. I hear people chatting on the bus/train/in shops all the time about physical ailments but we seem to be unable to discuss mental health issues. Its a shame really.
I hope this thread keeps going and others can get the support they need. X

Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 15:28

Thanks for telling your story DontKnow. If you want to talk more about it, we will listen.

OP posts:
boglach · 19/03/2012 15:41

I think a lot of survivors have a sense of responsibility for other's mood. My MIL has been a wonderful support in many ways but there is a slight barrier with the taboo stuff, or is that my perception?

She is a very caring person and I think she finds it unbearable to even consider such awful things can happen to children. People read about it all the time but when it is someone real.

boglach · 19/03/2012 15:46

'my home country has eye watering abuse and rape statistics' Sad

this is still a societal issue, it cannot remain taboo if it is going to be stopped

jasminerice · 19/03/2012 16:17

I was abused. I talk about it with only a very few people in rl. I totally get the point about other people behaving almost as if I have a horrible disease just because I was abused through no fault of my own.

Thanks for starting this thread CD.

TOTU · 19/03/2012 16:21

I was abused by my brother from when I was aged 7 til about 15.

I come from a large family and have only confided in one of my sisters about 2 years ago. If you asked her now, she would deny the conversation ever took place.

dottyspotty2 · 19/03/2012 16:24

See he did it to all 3 of us bastard lost a lot through going to the police I have

Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 16:25

I agree boglach and i think the first step is getting rid of the ridiculous notion of innocence in children. Ignorant children who lack the language and knowledge to protect themselves are a pedophiles dream.

Thank you for joining us jasmine

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 19/03/2012 16:34

I was told that all the signs where there whilst I was growing up as I have described what I was like as a child to my counseller. On Saturday she actually said the drs who treated me at 12 when I was hospitalised failed me.

Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 16:35

Hi totu thanks for posting. Have you talked to anyone else about it?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/03/2012 16:36

All you ladies on this thread have been failed by the adults in your lives.

I am sorry to see your thread took off, cailin. Truly, desperately sorry Sad

Original poster
CailinDana · 19/03/2012 16:42

My parents failed me utterly too. Why were you hospitalized dotty?

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 19/03/2012 16:46

I hemorrhaged had a D&C they discovered a cervical erosion, was off school about 6 weeks was that ill.

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 19/03/2012 16:51

Dotty I am so sorry, that is truly awful. (( Hugs ))

I can't say my parents failed me as such (I wasn't living with either of them at the time, very long story so I won't bore you all). I do believe I was failed by other adults though, my college tutors, gp, family members etc.