Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

Good idea, Cailin

I sincerely hope posters can support each other, and be directed towards here by others as they see fit

Thanks AF :)

Just to add - any links to helpful websites, books etc are very welcome.

I know I was emotionally and physically abused but now I wonder about sexual abuse too. I keep getting what I think are flashbacks but I am not sure

Yes I feel tainted and ashamed at times, it is so hard

I find the lack of clarity in my memory very hard.

Have you talked to anyone about it boglach?

I have had counselling and we covered a lot of the emotional abuse etc but it was only towards the end that I began to interpret a memory differently and then the what I can only assume are flashbacks started

but they could be intrusive thoughts rather than flashbacks. My dh is very supportive but he came from a relatively normal and loving family. The dysfunction of it all can make me feel inferior which I know shouldn't be the case
thanks for this thread CailinDana

I know that inferior feeling well :(

It's easy to tell yourself certain things aren't true but actually feeling that is a totally different thing.

Do you want to talk about it here? Or do you think more counselling would help? I'm wary of counselling as I had a bad experience so I find more informal situations better.

I get paranoid when I think how abuse happens on a societal level and victims are often silenced or coerced into silence. sometimes I think there is corruption everywhere

Can you explain that more?

I find it hard to explain. It still seems taboo to be open about it which to me is a sort of societal cover up. People just don't seem to want to accept it or talk about it

I am having a bad day today though. I know there are people and organisations that are open

I totally agree that people are unwilling to talk about it. That's precisely the reason I started this thread. I'm sick of feeling like a pariah who has to hide away. I have nothing to be ashamed of. And nor do you.

I think the taboo comes from society's feelings around sex. Every so often you'll see a thread on here where a parent is fretting over whether to tell their child about where babies come from, and you'll see plenty of replies about "protecting their innocence" and such guff. To say that as a child you not only knew about sex but actually experienced it is like saying you were a devil child, an evil disgusting thing. You weren't "innocent" like all the lovely children who weren't abused, you were "guilty".

this blog post is very affecting

boglach I am sorry you experienced what you did.

To borrow a phrase from elsewhere on MN I believe you and it isn't your fault.

I think the link is wrong AF. Would like to see it though, could you post again?

sorry, cut and paste fail

try again

all the best

I think what I was getting at was if you take the typically dysfunctional family in which sexual abuse happens - the lies, manipulation, the gaslighting, the narcissism and sometimes even psychopathy. The denial. Well sometimes a whole society can be like this, society can be dysfunctional

and you feel lonely and scared speaking out. I sometimes use the analogy of the matrix, people just want to keep taking the blue pill, they don't want to accept something can be so wrong but keep on with their safe little lives

i am sure i sound crazy

No you don't sound crazy boglach, I totally get what you mean. I have often felt the same way.

I know people mean well but I am so sick of being told "You should see a counsellor, I'm not qualified to help you." I don't have leprosy ffs! I understand totally that people find it hard to listen to the details of abuse, and I would never lump that on someone unless I was totally reassured that they could handle it and were ok with it, but I don't think it's too much to ask for people to just listen to me while I talk about how I feel. The "counsellor" line just comes across to me as "shut up, diseased people like you need to see professionals." People can talk about divorce, death, a car crash, all the big things in life, with relative ease, but when it comes to abuse door after door is shut in your face.

I was raped by my brother from the age of about 4 maybe younger until 3 or 4 months after turning 12. I disclosed this to the police last year at the age of 40 the day I gave my interview was the worst day of my life as I had never told a sole exactly what happened until then . I am now undergoing counselling at rape crisis centre have remembered lots ended up with a severe depression, anxiety, stress and trauma I'm now on AD's and waiting to see if the cps are going to press ahead with charging him.

Spotty :(

How are you feeling at the moment? Keep talking if it helps.

spotty

how brave to speak out as you did. hugs

A wonderful thread, I'm sure it will bring some comfort to people to have somewhere to go to talk.

I am watching this thread and may post at another time

Thank you

Hi Toria

I'll try to keep the thread going for as long as possible to give you a chance to post, but don't be afraid to bump it even if it drifts a bit. I hope you're doing ok.

You ok, amdowntoearth?