Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

someone who is being housed and financially supported by female DP, and allowed "conjugal rights" without contributing to the financial well being of the partnership, despite being perfectly able-bodied.

Just off to write a dictionary of EA.......must be a market there (note to self remember to include FWH!!!!)

fool thank you on both counts

That's a perfect description right there foolonthehill! Actually, a dictionary and phrase book for the emotional abuser would be a bloody handy thing.

I'd have paid good money to lay my hands on something like that - still would actually just as a reminder and to hand out to friends in need and for educational purposes in general.

Perhaps we should all contribute and actually put together a handy guide to 'The Cocklodger and his many kindred friends'.

Think that's why I like to share the minutae of what life was like with ex because when I first started looking into this I just so craved a book or website that would describe a lot of these seemingly 'innocent' things that so easily slip by in a day, a week, a year and are also so difficult to grab a hold of at the very start with any kind of concrete 'yup, you're a total arse, stop that' conviction.

Buy the onesey EW and let us know what he made of that. Just be sure they don't send you one with a button down 'flap' at the back a la Peter from Family Guy

Ha ha @conjugal rights, as we had separate rooms and v little sex for some years - for some strange reason I had little urge to shag someone for whom I mostly felt contempt.

Ha ha also because a couple of years ago (before MN) ex said he felt like a lodger, and I bit back the retort 'well, lodgers don't do housework, it's true, but they do pay rent'

Lol bibi!

ps I sleep with nothing on now it's a bit warmer :)

And pink

"ps I sleep with nothing on now it's a bit warmer"

The things we find out about each other here

I gave the winter duvet the sack last weekend just so I can carry on wearing pyjamas

Morning all. Hope Tuesday finds you feeling strong and resolved. Dc and I are still at home ill, off to drs later as ds1 has had high temp for 3 days now and my chest hurts so much each breath is agony!

Even though I feel utterly rotten h still tried to initiate relations first thing this morning- when I had had a v broken sleep and then been up since 4.30 with poorly Ds2. He was unusually ok when I said no- normally will ignore this and keep pestering until I give in just to stop him bothering me- but did say "well I will have to sort myself out then"

Yes you bloody well will! I am so fed up of all physical contact being about sex. I would like sometimes to have a cuddle just because it's nice to do so.

On another thread somebody said that the moment she realised she needed to leave was when someone else had held her hand, and the physical contact was so alien as her husband just didn't "do" affection. I can relate to that.

I need to go and blow my nose! Its a big old snot fest here- germs not emotions though:)

Grrrr phone just ate my post!

EW my DH is the same with sex. A "cuddle" has to have his hands in my bra or knickers and he pesters me for sex until I give in. His comments get progressively more nasty as days without it go by until I just let him do it. Then I get moaned at for "laying there like a wet fish" and not making an effort to orgasm since I know he likes it better when I do.

I have a 5mo DD whom I am ebf. I'm not taking the pill because, although I know it isn't supposed to cause any harm, there haven't been large enough studies done to prove this to my liking. DH is now trying to force me to have condomless sex because he's fed up with them. When I say force I mean a) he is going on and on and on about how stupid it is that a married couple are using condoms, I'm highly unlikely to get pregnant, withdrawal is 95% safe (erm I don't think so but of course I know nothing!), what does it matter if I get pregnant again anyway (which I would agree with if he wasn't such a dick!) and b) he tried to physically force his way in, not with all his strength but enough that I had to use some effort to stop him.

Anyway, I decided yesterday to start a new hobby. I was looking for something for DD to play on since we have laminate floor and saw a couple of patchwork quilts that were ok but not exactly how I would want one. So I'm going to make one. DH thinks it's a rubbish idea and "let's face it, it'll only last about a week" but I really want to give it a go. I've ordered a few bits and bobs and I'm going to set up in the spare room. Except I'm going to do the housework first because I shouldn't do things for myself if I haven't done stuff for us first :( Which means that I probably wont get round to me stuff today.

Oh veeeee :( You bloody well do your lovely patchwork things and you know what? So effing what if it lasts a week. So what if you get the stuff, buy a book and never open it- you enjoyed it and if he was any sort of a man he would be pleased for you. (wish I could listen to my own advice tho ;))

Re the sex thing- He sounds likes nasty nasty piece of work. Have no practical anything to say about that but in a similar situation I went and got the old fashioned coil. No hormones, suitable for bf (I got it for same reasons as you, couldn't have hormones when bf) and what's even better I guess is that dh doesn't even have to know about it. Others will prob be along to say it's abad idea and you need to sort out other issues first, and being new to all this I will defer to their wisdom but it sounds like getting pregnant again might not be ideal for you.

Are you making plans to leave? Please please please please do :( I know from experience how hard this is as I'm still trying to summon the courage but the fact that you have had to physically fight off his advances and that he is trying to deny you contraception is utterly shocking. Wish I could give you a big old hug through the Internet.

veeeee do allocate yourself an hour to do 'me stuff' it's very important, the same ole housework will need redoing tomorrow but your quilt will be a tangible thing that grows and your work on it won't need redoing, you will see the results of your effort and keep adding to it.

Ex didn't force himself, but after my libido waned I was subjected to a strange speech in which he said he hadn't thought that in his 50's and married he would be going short of sex. Like this would somehow make me feel desired? I had told him many times that some housework and arranging going out together was the way to my heart fanjo. Not a speech about his entitement!

here is my thread I only decided to post a week or so ago. I've only really seriously looked at EA stuff since then so I think I'm still in the denial stage although I've done a lot of looking into leaving, part of me still thinks that if I just change all of the things he complains about then I won't have to split up our family. I know it's stupid to think like that. I can't leave until I go back to work either which isn't until July.

How do I know if it is EA or if it is just man stuff and I'd get the same whomever I was with? Has anyone here successfully tackled their OH and actually been able to stay happily with them?

What are your back stories, if you don't mind me asking?

PinkPussycat I also get the speech about entitlements and rights

Ummm...man stuff is acceptable and not abusive and they listen to you when you talk to them about it!! If you think it's EA it probably is and by the time you have some distance you wonder why it wasn't obvious before.

To survive in these "relationships" we have to suppress so much of ourselves that we end up in "double think"..it's how we stay, but once the lights go on it's hard to keep suppressing,.

Back story for me is 14 years of EA, VA and a little Physical, many children (all under 11), DCs also victims of VA/EAdirectly after age 7. Realised after abuse of our dog (!!!!) Sept last year, made plans, asked NSDH to leave end Oct 2011, during contact with DCs abuse escalated until Jan 2012, no contact with me or DCs...in limbo til financial and contact sorted out. Faith issues make divorce a difficult issue for me so still working that one out! Separation has been the best thing I have done since I married...abuse started 4 days after wedding.

Veeeee I've just read your other thread, and am saddened by so much in there. He sounds a very poor excuse for a man. I know how hard it is living in a wierd limbo state of mind when you know on a deep deep level that you MUST leave, but the thought if doing so terrifies you and everything at home is carrying on as normal (sadly)

I am also so sad that it could almost be written about my husband- why are there so many of these arseholes about?

X posts there fool - double think/weird limbo state of mind = am rather proud of myself for identifying something others feel too! (saddo emoticons )

Veee I read your thread and posted near the top, and am glad you followed the link HotDAMN sent to this thread.

You are still in the very early stages of realisation of what is happening to you so be very kind to yourself and look after you and your DD.

I am coming to realise now after 18 months out of my EA marriage that I never knew any better. I was coping from day to day with family life and dancing around FWH managing his moods and "depression" without ever realising it wasn't a normal healthy relationship. I got resentful and angry and had a "temper" which in hindsight was the hurt and pain erupting every now and then.

When I did leave after a year of joint counselling and increasingly difficult behaviour from H (now I know why that didn't work!!) the peace was wonderful.

Now I have been seeing a kind generous gentle funny man for six months and I am beginning to understand for the first time what normal relationships should be. Consideration and kindness seem such a novelty when you have never had them.

YOU DESERVE BETTER! We all do. We just don't know it.

Keep posting and don't feel there is a hurry to act. And don't talk to him about it, it just makes things much much worse [bitter grin]
Mine stalked me on MN and hacked my emails too.

"Spaghetti head mess" is the term we use here EW

Little house- that could also refer sadly to my hair at the moment!(h will make some comment about it later no doubt, i am so fed up of his snide remarks that I am actively trying to dress in a way that he will find annoying- gives me a little bit if a kick to put my baggies on and wait for the comment- a mental "I told you so!" to myself :))

oh ve I really fel for you and understand what you are going through. My FWH does the same, emotionally cold most of the time but when he wants something he feels entitled to it. Sat having a cup of tea this morning and he just pulled my dressing gown open and exposed my chest - then walked off!! I was like

EW thats awful when you are ill, how dare you be ill and not feel 'up to it'!

If I didnt know better I would swear we are all with the same man!

love to all xxx

IWBF- how are your escape plans shaping up? I think of you whenever I'm on here as I think we had lightbulb moments at roundabout the same time. You often post things that are on my mind! Not stalking you though, honest :)

Veeee. My exh was very similar to yours and so many of the lovely posters on here re sex as well as other things. One anecdote doesn't equal data, I know, but I got pregnant while breastfeeding when dc was much younger than yours due to exh not liking condoms. (one of the reasons for not liking condoms being "I don't see why I should have to pay to make love to my wife").

I love my children and I love our life since we escaped, but being pregnant and then the postnatal time and then just getting through each day, (with two very young babies close together etc, (plus an older dc who suffered from exhs ways, but that's another story), plus servicing all exh demands, plus economic dependence problems etc etc got worse) made me not be able to even think properly about the abusiveness I was beginning to see for what it was, powerless for a long time (years), so unable to even think about properly, let alone make the escape plan and get away. (Now I am away, the only regret I have about leaving is not doing it sooner.)

So I agree with the poster who said get a copper coil.

Vee, I also agree with posters above, you don't have to act yet, (but the coil will be contraception while you are thinking, and deciding what to do next).

Evacuation...I have oft wondered this. Although sometimes 'blaming the mother' has attracted accusations of sexism, I do think often, particularly for previous generations, the relationship with the mother had more impact, simply based on the amount of time being parented by mother, rather than father.

In my own experience, first abusive ex hated his mother, who he blamed for 'abandoning' him when he was little. In fact, his father had fought his mother for custody, so she hadn't given in without a big fight, and his arsehole of a father had continued to drip poison about her for years. He kind of made me into a 'mother' figure, who he loved and hated her in roughly equal measure, and acted out all his issues with her, with me,( until I had eventually had enough.
SBXH(the 2nd one) has a very controlling mother. He loves andd hates her, the same way he does me. Finally kicked him out end of Oct 2011, about the same time as Fool. Must have been something in the air...

EW

Plan in my head still set but H has promised he will change (again) but just feel like I'm waiting for the inevitable to happen really.

The first week he came back he was all kissing me when he came on from work, telling me he loves me (because he never used to), calm and patient with the kids etc.

Fast forward two weeks and things are slipping. He has still kept his pateince with the kids, but the telling me he loves me and the kisses have stopped.Little things starting to slip in this morning he said

"why have you bought twixs"
Me "because I like them and they were on offer"
H "but you know I dont like them so why did you buy them"
Me "I dont get your point"
H "well you should buy things we can eat together"

When I really wanted to shout "because the world doesnt fucking revolve around you!"

A little daft thing I know, but thats how it all starts doesnt it? with the little things.

So feel a bit in limbo at the moment.

xx