Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

"so often for the past few years I would have preferred a snack like scambled eggs on toast - although that didn't actually stop me hoovering up a plateful of meat and two veg or whatever"

- oh, me too PinkPussycat, I'd scarf down industrial quantities of spag bol with half a garlic bread, meat and two veg, curry, etc too even though I hadn't fancied having any dinner in the first place.

The option of saying 'I don't feel like having dinner tonight' just didn't exist in any of the relationships I was in.

Dinner and food in general always seemed to be a life or death subject to the men in my life - no evening meal = certain death is sure to follow immediately.

Would have been fine if they hadn't all made me feel like I was the one whose duty it was to stave off the 'certain death' scenario FOR THEM!

Feckers!

"You sound very together" - Thank you LittleHouse, that site has really given me a new lease of life of late. The articles and responses on there have finally allowed me to realise that it was never me, I really am and wasn't to blame and that's taken away so much of my inner anxiety and general turmoil.

Feeling like you're just generally 'wrong' and one of life's weirdo's has held me back for so long - and it was never my burden or feeling to carry!

Have to say as well, this is the longest I've ever been single but without this time I would not have the mental space to be discovering who Bibi really is so I'm perfectly content and happy.

Twenty years of focusing on someone else's needs, I figure I have the right to take as much time as I need to focus on meeeee :)

Lovely to hear that the nice man is still nice (so much so I've decided the inverted comas around nice can be dropped now that he's proved himself to be good-un) :)

New article on trust on that website today - again, applies to so many of us in any type of relationship I thing (I'll shut up about that site now, promise :))

emergingfrombroken.com/2012/03/

So, Fool, you are mad, bad and dangerous to know!?

placemark :)

I'm supposed to be working. but NEED to get this thread on my I'm On list... that's my excuse and I'll stick RIGIDLY to it.

Quick one, thought to toss it out there a bit.

In therapy this week, I realised that Mum, sis and Dad were all selfish people for want of a better word, all of them have either turned their backs time and time again, making DAMNED sure I wasn't blessed by naivete, or benefit of the doubt by going out of their way to know that they had deliberately ignored me in my darkest moments, had compounded my sorrow and even resent my rise to normality.

The question that is screaming around in my head is WHY AM I NOT LIKE THEM?

It would have been easier for me if I had been! Why am I the freak that gives a shit about others, that cares and wants others to be happy, with no real demand for recompense.

OK, I get that the answer is probably 'Becos I iz normal', but When you are the only normal person in a bunch of abnormals, you feel that you are the freak.

Guess that explains the Depression/Suicide/Abuse thing then doesn't it?

OK What to do now... How do I cope with not being 'like them' and moreover not ever wanting to be like them.

Do I just remain functional with them, no heroic efforts to be close etc, or do I just let them fade away when those that are moving away, finally do so?

FFS, and I thought I felt isolated in Egypt....

I think (stream of conscience time) that this is the year that I say goodbye to family and make this year the year that I hold close those friends I have, the ones that DID text/email/Call me to simply ask 'How are you today?'

From now on, I will reward those that are in my life to do good, and prune out those that are not on the cheerleading squad. Mercenary? perhaps.

Am I a person worthy of cheers? I think i actually might be...

Houd...it is because you have more 'oil in your lamp', and have more insight. Sometimes it is possible to have a relationship with family like this, but maybe only when someone can adjust their expectations of what the relationship will be like, and the level of emotional support that might not be present iuswim. If you continually come back from getting together feeling hurt, or 'damaged', then this might not be possible. This is largely from personal experience btw. I now (largely) accept that my family can only do limited emotional support, and my dm is quite self-centred, my dsis pretty totally so (but so much bogged down in her own issues cannot spare any energyfor anyone else, which I kinda get).
On a more general note, am intrigued with all the mentions of food/menz up the thread. It seems many of us were tied into the meat/two veg on the dinner table thing whether we wanted it or not! I find it much easier now ah has gone to cook, or not cook for dd and I. It seems to me that in many cases, the food thing stops being about nutrition, and about being another way to control. Thoughts anyone?

I think we who are here sometimes forget that all you need to deserve decent treatment is to be respected as a human being.
I, too, come from a very dysfunctional family. I am not sure that everyone will agree with me, and I have never been to any sort of counselling - live in foreign country where they don't believe in such things - but what worked for me was completely letting go and treating my mother like a distant acquaintance whom I could not be rude to (no point) and could not cut off (would be more trouble than it was worth). I let go of any hope of reconciliation, of recognition of foul behaviour towards me, of any sense of 'justice' and 'fairness'. Believe me, it was one huge backpack I was carrying. I travel a lot lighter, and, ironically, my relationship with my mother is just about bearable. The biggest plus is that I am now in control of - the only thing I could ever control - my own behaviour and emotions. Don't know if any of the above makes any sense.

Hello, thanks for welcoming new joiners. Parsley yes, food becomes another way to control IMO. Only eating what the controller wants. Got to be what he considers a 'proper' meal. Got to be at the time convenient to him because he thinks he is the most important person in the house. It's connected to financial abuse as well. He controls the money so only allowed to buy food he thinks we should from shops he thinks are best.

The food thing......

My H wants to know as soon as we get up what is for tea, I have no interest in food first thing in the morning but I have given the excuse its just him being organised. But he likes his tea out/cooking for when he comes in from work and it needs to be something like a dinner/lasagne etc.

It does my head in, it really does. Is there ANY aspect of these mens personality that doesnt involve some element of control no matter how small

Re the food thing, STBXH never knew what time he would be back from work (fair enough, mobile job, genuinely didn't know) but then he would come back in, want to have a leisurely bath, and then eat, which meant everyone waiting for him, and not being able to 'close' the kitchen down until later...did my head in, along with his many other tw**ish ways of course.

Makes perfect sense Fingers (you sound like a GANGSTA now )

I'm doing that now with the pair of them (mum and sis) dad I don't need to, cos I've not seen him THIS YEAR.... again, down to him, he tells everyone that he's texted me. But there have been less than 5 all year... hardly counts.

I am no longer expecting anything of any of them. My sister wants me to go and see her... I'll not be wasting the fuel tbh. She can't even answer a text to a sister in a DV relationship half way around the world with a simple "You OK?" or "Hope you feel better soon"? Then I won't be booking time off, filling up a tank and popping down 3hrs down the road to see her. EVER. AGAIN.

If she asks me down there again, I'll flaming tell her. Maybe I'll do what she would do, wait until the worst possible moment and THEN tell her that because she actively ignored my texts, that for the price of a single international text, or better the price of a FREE email, I won't be spending a single unit of any given world currency to see her.

I may introduce her to Newton's 3rd Law : For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction

Sorry, I put paragraphs in that... honest!

I noticed mealtimes much improved after we left. (sorry for the present tense upthread on he controls the money etc). Simpler food, tea time to take into account all the members of the family, not just him.

I know this is probably seems such a little thing and dont expect any comments, but I'm not sure if I'm looking too much into what he says now.
The conversation 5 minutes ago.

H sits down and says "put top gear on"
me "Im watching this"
H "but I always watch top gear, you can record this"
me "cant you tape top gear?"

me "I'll go in the conservatory to watch TV and slag you off on mnet "

So im in here cold because I gave in again.

rant over xx

Hi...yes definitely "mad, bad and dangerous to know"

thanks Bibi will add that to the list for thread 8 (feels glad/sad all over again that there will probably be a thread 8) and will try to find another suitable financial abuse link now Welsh WA seems to have taken theirs off.

(mummy housekeeping again???)

any advice for when DCs suddenly turn into mini abusers intermittently overnight???

Evenin' All,
Hissy, repeat seven times an hour: 'It's not me; it's them' After a while you start to believe that there is some truth in it.
IWBF - the answer to your question is there any aspect of their lives that these men are not abusive about is - and yes, you have guessed it - NO!
FWH subjects the family to channel hopping - his and with monotonous regularity inspects the fridge - huffing and puffing and giving a running commentary - to see if there is anything past its deadline; presumably to 'tell me off'. I'll add here that he has NEVER done either the shopping or the cooking in 30 years!
Here FWH keeps asking for another chance. His latest is that not even divorce can separate us appointment still tomorrow. It's a shit load of money to fork out for something that doesn't mean anything. But then again he didn't seem to think his marriage vows were that important either, so it makes some sort of sense.

Hello, I'm tentatively popping in here because I think maybe I need to be here! Will have a read and post properly later.

Hello Veee. Welcome.

Veeeee...

iwillbefree, is there a good reason why the TV in the conservatory is no good for watching Top Gear? Poor signal on appropriate channel? (No need to respond, we all know the answer!)

Never mind, when you've thrown the bugger out you can watch whatever you jolly well want in whichever room you please.

The government has a consultation out at the moment to make psychological domestic abuse - controlling behviour a crime under the domestic violence doors The consultation ends this March. I've set up a govn e-petition as I think it should be illegal to behave in this way. Violent partners use controlling behaviour to undermine their victims before the beatings start. Others are just schoolyard bullies and inadequates who like to push people around. Would appreciate some more signatures on the petition if you've ot a moment it's number 29908.

Ah yes, XH thought not even divorce could separate etc. Actually, he was wrong.

It was war documentaries, archaeology programmes and Crimewatch with him, mostly. Quite worthy, you might say, but he was always slagging off archaeologists on the grounds (ha, see what I did there?) that they were after Gold N Riches - I would say "don't judge everybody by your own standards" - and with Crimewatch he would giggle whenever it was about rape and say "strewth" whenever the perpetrator was black, until I was nearly eligible for a spot on Crimewatch myself.

Will sign, Linda, when I'm on the computer. Re mini-abusers, fool, I suspect the answer is the obvious one! Firm assertion and appropriate sanctions for rudeness.

Unless they're teenagers (sorry, I've forgotten) - you may have to get into very wearing discussions about the significance of respect. Argh!

Ha ha ha ha omg yes - the food inspections, with attendant huffing and puffing - I remember those!

Arrrrgghhhhh! Just typed an epic reply to you all, forgot to tick the box and it got lost.

And it was really good too (squeezes big head through thread door :))

I remember the waiting around for his lordliness to a) appear for dinner and b) finally be ready to sit down to eat the bastarding meal - some nights the whole palaver wouldn't finish until gone 10pm (not even any kids involved, sheesh!)

Of course his sensitive constitution couldn't even consider taking in a morsel of dinner until he'd had a minimum of an hour to relax after work (funny how I was required to be ready to scarf mine down within 30 seconds of walking in the door on the rare occasions he'd cooked for when I finished work)

And the television - it was always me who had to decamp to the miniscule screen in the bedroom while he killed zombies and all matter of international enemies on the big tv downstairs. Which he'd refused to pay for so was effectively mine anyway. Gah! Don't miss those days one bit!

Even better that nowadays I very rarely watch the damn thing and it lives under a blanket cover :)

And in closing - it really really really isn't you Hissy, this is something I've come to understand on a soul level in recent weeks.

How that hurt, to constantly feel like the odd one out, the 'weirdo' - I know this isn't true for everyone but for some of us the emotional and physical abusers since we were little literally broke us emotionally and then blamed us when we couldn't/can't cope - how can we when the proper foundations of love and trust and the value of us as individuals were never shown to us?

I know this isn't true for everyone but for some of us the emotional and physical abusers since we were little literally broke us emotionally and then blamed us when we couldn't/can't cope - how can we when the proper foundations of love and trust and the value of us as individuals were never shown to us?

But we can cope. We've proved it: we all coped with truckloads of shit, from very small. God we're strong! We can cope, and even thrive once we shuck off the emotional leeches in our lives.