Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Oh yes, quite HotDAMNlifeisgood, I didn't mean here we are broken on the floor unable to pick up the pieces.

For me personally, right now I'm amazed to learn how much blame I've carried around for just about every shitty thing that any shitty person ever cared to do to me.

It was hammered into me from early on not to have a 'poor me' attitude and just get on with it regardless so it feels really good to be realising that that is also a crock of shite placed on us by people who want to control and not face any consequences for their own hurtful actions ('shush, that's all in the past, what do you want to bring that up for?' 'it's done, just get on with it') and so on.

The people on this thread are incredibly strong, didn't mean to imply otherwise!

Wasn't implying you had, Bibi!

I just think it feels so good to assert how awesome we are, that I take every opportunity to do it!

:)

lol roar

I've missed this thread.

hi to all the new and old faces here.
Food is such an elementary alimentary form of control. Had ex who needed to eat or not eat for health reasons, but boy did it become more of an issue when he wanted it to be.
Think ancient mn adage had it that it was coco pops on the sofa once ex had been dispatched to the far side of fuck.
So pass the coco pops or dips as I remember we all tucked into about three threads back ... I was someone else then, but ex did more than snoop on my mn activities.
so big hello to Bibb, and will take a look at that link

Yes food is certainly an issue here too. I get all the huffing and eye rolling if there's not a supply of instant food in the cupboards and dinner has to be done for when he walks in from work or to fit around his busy sports schedule because I know he can't eat less than 2 hours before he plays football/badminton/tennis/ whatever else.

Just reading through what you've been posting so far and so much of it rings true with me like the being taught to be independent at a young age (a trait my mum and man now criticise me for).

I'm glad you're on this thread and finding it helpful, veeeee.

Just popping in to avoid cleaning and paperwork catch up.
And have a little cry/moan.

Feeling worn out and worn down today. Arranged a nice weekend for DCs and me (Lord knows we need one) and they behaved abominably (see above...and yes to knowing the answer..just failing dismally to do it).

4 months on and it's like we're moving in slow motion and hardly acclimatised to what went on and yet people (who I must admit have reacted very well considering) are much less available. not their fault, we are old news and they have lives to lead and they are friends not family...they think we are coping, and we are ...I just feel like I am about to snap/disintegrate/implode. There is no-one else who can/will take any responsibility for us...and I am so blasted tired......

Desperately want to do some work on myself...have made monumental discovery that the labels that i have taken on form NSDH are really not true and not me...but now have 14 years of not knowing who i am to sort out....what a mess!

fool you had the idea in your head of a lovely weekend, and it didn't quite work out how you planned, of course you are a bit disappointed. What did you do at the w/e, and can you say how they behaved that worries you/pisses you off?

Weekend was nothing too over the top..... just a series of things that some/all of the children like (they are all under 11),after the obligatory skype of NSDH : slobbing in front of TV (am), park with bikes/rollerskating, walk, friends birthday party on Saturday. On Sunday: church (they all go to different activity groups with friends and this was the only part of the weekend that worked !!), out for lunch, children's farm, fed lambs, outdoor play with rides etc. icecream, home favourite tea (sausages) in front of film.

Now there are a lot of them, and they are young but they had all slept well, eaten well and so on.....(my usual excuses).

There was hardly a time when one or more were not telling me how awful I am, how I don't love them, how they might as well kill themselves, how I never listen to them, everyone is more important then them, how much they hate ....sibling..., how they "don't want to do that"....blah, blah

I am proud of myself that i did not lose it completely/shout/scream or just march them home. I am NOT proud of myself that I ended up crying (twice), which is definitely emotional blackmail, and not good parenting.

I am just so frigging tired, and this week 3 of them have separate festival concerts and I will go even though i will have other DCs/childminees...because this is one of the very few things that are an advantage with my work...that I can go.

fool bless you, they felt safe enough with you to tell you the most awful things they were feeling at that moment. They knew you would not stop loving them for saying these things. They knew they could depend on you.

[hug]

thanks

Hi everyone. Really good to find this thread and to see people happy down the line - makes leaving feeling a lot less insurmountable.

fool have another from me, it would be a but its a bit early

Not much advice from me as I'm behind you in the tunnel of shit and have some catching up to do, just want to let you know I'm thinking of you.

As for the labels you have, I have these too - any ideas on where to start finding out who you are from anyone who has done it would be great!!!

Such simple things like what is your favourite proramme - I dont know, because all the ones I thought I liked are ingrained in my head as shit and shouldn't be on TV (his words)

What hobby would you do if you had the chance? I dont know, I dont know myself.

How do you find out who you are???????

waves at detached....no loneliness here in the virtual world!!!!

Hello new thread. I have been a number of names on thread 6, iwillbefree i was glad of your hand to hold on another thread when I had a much yellower ribb

Hi EW glad to see you are not too "tied up" to be here!

Oops! Trigger finger. Soz!

What i was going to say is that iwillbefree your last post is one that I struggle with too- how do I find out who I am? What music do I like? How I like to do things? Because everything I was is apparently useless and only worthy of a snort of derision/ poking fun at/laughing at and belittling. I need to find something I like doing again. he says that he never meant to make me feel that way, but I do. It's like I've disappeared and have been squashed and squeezed and am now very small and unimportant.

Lol you ain't no fool fool :)

Aaargh! Have my -- mixed up with my *

Although perhaps a bit freudian that I want to strike myself out, teehee!

I remember my sense of amazement when I stood in Sainsbury's food aisle, realising I'd forgotten what I like! I'd got used to buying what X liked, even his preferred brands, in less than three years. And, weirdly, had overwritten my own preferences with his.

I bought way too much garlicky pate and stoneground bread that day

Garlic seems to be a recurring theme there with you GB :)

Oh, I am STINKY

ahhh I was thinking about you getting worried you had disappeared when I didnt see any nicely tied bows around here

I know what you mean about feeling unimportant though, I keep telling myself I'm a woman in my late 30s - Im grown up - I should know who I am and what I like, and what I want my purpose in life to be but I dont .

The thing is, to know what I used to like I need to go back to when I was 15 years old - I cant have teenage values/opinions now, I havn't really had chance to develop my own, thats the scary part, I feel like there is no-one to find in me, because I have never really been anyone before this

God I'm depressing myself now on this sunny day, I will end with a smile, too many sads on my post today

I don't know who I am either but dh puts this down to laziness on my part