Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Nowt wrong with teenage preferences as a starting point so long as you don't come back from the shop with an armful of pot noodles

"I know what you mean about feeling unimportant though, I keep telling myself I'm a woman in my late 30s - Im grown up - I should know who I am and what I like, and what I want my purpose in life to be but I dont"

I beat myself up for that up until very recently. This feeling will naturally morph into 'ooh, I fancy having a go at x and y' and then actually trying out some of these things.

Makes me quite angry to realise just how much the ex's personality had become my own and how much critizing he did of absolutely everything I liked.

It's little wonder some of us don't have the first idea of who we are, what we like etc in the beginning.

I also thought it would be a fairly quick rediscovery of 'me' but it's only now after 15 months on my own that I'm getting to know what I really like and love in all areas, be that food or tv or the way I decorate my house and so on.

For example, I decided last week that I'm going to take Violin lessons soon since I've wanted to do that since childhood and today I signed up to help with cleaning out the lovely kitty cats at Cats Protection one morning a week.

The violin thing I would not have been able to remember I wanted even two weeks ago so am quite amazed at my re-discovery.

Even as I was signing the form at CP earlier I had the voices of various ex P in my head going 'what do you want to do that for' 'what about me' 'damn cats' so selfish' 'waste of petrol' blah blah blah and had to tell them to shut the hell up since only what I think matters now.

Amazing how long the process can take is what I wanted to say, instead it's turned into another essay :)

Sorry to ignore everyone else (do I smell Garlic in here?? ) - back to work now but will catch up later.

Toodles!

I've only discovered in the past year, at the age of 31, that I love to dance.

I never knew - repressing who I was in order to fit the mould set by abusive parents and then abusive H was the name of the gem.

I go dancing a lot now.

*game, not gem

Hotdamn I love to dance too- it's one thing that I have held on to because I can do it anywhere and without h's attention - commonly ds's and I can be found in the kitchen having a right old boogie to whatever is on radio1 :)

Random realisation of the day:
I am finding it so hard to "give" at the moment. Friends who are having a tough time, family who could do with a bit of support- I just can't. I haven't got it in me emotionally. I am so desperate to talk about MY stuff with someone, (which i cant- mn is my lifeline in this respect) that I have sort of cut myself off from being able to entertain other people's problems. And I feel awful about this. I hope my nearest and dearest know that I love them and would do whatever I can to help- just that whatever I can is very limited at the moment :(

Am off work today poorly, ds's both at home ill too. Just a bug but we are feeling rotten. Dhs last words as he went off to work? "Can you make sure you do the washing today please, I have no clean socks." not necessarily abusive just so bloody unfeeling. No "hope you feel better soon sweetheart" or "let me know what you'd like for dinner I'll bring it in so you don't have to cook" or "make sure you all have a nice nap, all three if you were up lots in the night" (he sure as hell wasn't, NEVER has got up to them for any reason)

Am feeling grumpy and mean spirited!

I am finding it so hard to "give" at the moment.

That's really, totally, OK. You can't give when you yourself are running on empty. You'll be able to help friends and people you love when your tank is topped up again.

Remember that thing about putting on your own oxygen mask first when a plane goes down? That's how we should all be living our lives.

Can I have a fool appreciation moment please?

"making bad decisions comes with making any decisions at all whatever age we are....we are not born all-knowing. Realising the decisions are bad and trying to fix/help/backtrack and make better ones is what makes us grown-up, not just soldiering on."

This was some of fools advice on another thread, didn't want to crash that one as had nothing useful to add for the OP.

By god woman you talk such sense. This really sprang off the page at me, i hate making decisions through fear of getting them wrong. How did you get to be so wise?!

Hotdamn thanks. Just worried that if I run on empty for much longer they might give up!

EvacuationWarden: unless you are a name changer, you may not have caught the posts I made a year ago when I finally got rid of my Ex.

I too couldn't speak at all about my experiences, I fell silent even on here for a while as I thought WTF do I know? WTF can I offer in the way of sage advice when clearly I got it soo monumentally wrong.

I did however find helping others on here to be a way to deal with what I was facing, but in a detached manner. I made many discoveries about myself and my own situation in trying to help others.

I was goaded/badgered encouraged to call WA, which I did and cried down the phone for a while, told them that he'd gone and that therefore i felt like I didn't deserve to use their service, but needed to talk, and was it OK for me to call them. OF COURSE it was! and it really helped. To talk to someone who understood, but who didn't actually know me, someone who listened while I cried. Someone who did care.

Now... I'm going to say something you may not like to hear... but we are all in abusive relationships for a reason... many of us put here by our upbringing. If you are going through a hard time and there are members of your family adding to your woes... they are to be avoided tbh. You need to find support and if there are others trying to sap what energy you DO have, then you need to get away from them and focus on yourself.

it's OK to do this, cos you need the space to re-group, to heal and to learn. You need to allow the fog to clear and work out what to do next. you can't do that when others are clamouring for your support.

Oh and your DH is perfectly able to put on a wash himself. I hope you didn't wash his socks. You are ill, you have the kids to tend to as well, the LEAST he could do would be to stick a wash on.

Aaah, back again, got my evening Sherry (turning into Dot Cotton :)) and ready to spew forth some more.

"You can't give when you yourself are running on empty. You'll be able to help friends and people you love when your tank is topped up again"

Yes, couldn't agree more and your tank will re-fill again I have no doubt about that.

"I've only discovered in the past year, at the age of 31, that I love to dance"

He he he - me too but still not ready to do it in public just yet, the safety of the kitchen is risque enough still although am quite happy to sing along to my favourite songs loudly without worrying what the neighbours will think.

Progress often comes in small steps - usually when I've had a period of thinking nothing has been happening I look back and realise a lot has happened/changed in the way I feel.

Was wandering around the supermarket earlier and suddenly marvelled at how I used to think I wasn't being controlled by ex P at all. He was just too laid back (read deliberately passive) to ever control anything - or so I thought.

Nowadays I realise just how much the comments and looks and digs added up to me trying to be who he thought I should be.

Everything from clothes (no pink as he didn't think it suited me, no roll-necks as he liked to be able to see my neck (wtf?) no pyjamas, no cardigans, nothing loose fitting etc etc) to food to what was watched on tv to where we went, when we went, with whom and on and on.

I remember when I first started posting about the state of my relationship someone said to me 'he's really done a number on you hasn't he' and I remember thinking 'that poster is mental, what the hell are they on about?'

T'was true though, almost everything ended up geared towards him, most of it with no concrete discussion or clues - only the moods, sulking, huffing, whining etc gave any indication of how right I was getting pleasing him at any given time.

And to think I actually thought it was me and I needed to try harder - Pffft!

Glad to be out of that mindset!

Amen to foolonthehill appreciation. Her advice today has made me feel a whole lot better about getting out of here.

Bibi, the thing about the clothes: this is me right now. He whines about how he's an aesthetically motivated person and therefore when I wear jeans or baggy clothes I am injuring his delicate sensibilities. My sartorial choices have launched proper rows about how I am communicating my lack of love for him by not dressing like a russian hooker.

Which is why I am currently wearing a jumper streaked with dd's snot and dinner, and no makeup.

"He whines about how he's an aesthetically motivated person and therefore when I wear jeans or baggy clothes I am injuring his delicate sensibilities. My sartorial choices have launched proper rows about how I am communicating my lack of love for him by not dressing like a russian hooker"

I involuntarily laughed at that detachedandlonely - only because of how ludicrous it sounds with the benefit of distance.

Love the jumper btw, sounds like just the ticket for his 'aesthetic' lordliness.

Mine was very similar in the attitude that I just refused to be the thin, hard-bodied, 7 feet tall amazon he really wanted (and deserved of course )

Christ, I even spent most of my time at home with him trying to hide perceived fat rolls behind cushions and folded arms and the like because I knew he was constantly silently judging me.

It's nice to be able to 'let it all hang out' and properly relax these days - the cats sure as hell don't care how many 'rolls' I've got so long as I'm still in possession of my sachet/can opening faculties :)

Hissy- no I've only been here a few weeks. Sorry you are still having to post- but selfishly glad too :)

I have posted a number of threads over the last two years though under many names- but i conveniently forget what I thought were those isolated incidents until recently, and have finally come to the realisation that things have to change. And I've wondered about whether my family background might have an impact on all this- my sister and I are real "people pleasers"-'I'm only just starting to wonder about why this is.

I have also had the "he's really done a number on you" comments that you've had bibi -and I am still struggling with this (amongst soooo any other things!) If he is an emotionally abusive husband, I can allow myself to leave. (theoretically at this stage still ) If he's not, and is instead just a common or garden wanker, or not even a wanker but just that I can't live with his idiosyncrasies any more and am just unhappy then I am being selfish. It's my fault not his. Now rationally and logically I know that whatever the reason, if I am unhappy in this marriage then I should "permit" myself to pursue happiness without him. But that is so hard. To take a conceptual shift in why the split might happen.

My head hurts!

oh, oh - meant to add about the 'assaulting his visual sensitivities' - mine used to look at me and go 'have you been squeezing that spot Bibi?' followed by 'well, stop it, I have to look at that for days now'

And I used to be offended but a part of me actually seriously believed he had a point.

All nonsense of course since he only ever used to glance at me for seconds before turning his attentions back to his real loves - playstation and joints.

"Bibi, the thing about the clothes: this is me right now. He whines about how he's an aesthetically motivated person and therefore when I wear jeans or baggy clothes I am injuring his delicate sensibilities. My sartorial choices have launched proper rows about how I am communicating my lack of love for him by not dressing like a russian hooker."

:) This is just like my STBXH.

I've been gone for nearly 3 months... And it's just fine. He said I would be unhappy. I'm not. I'm really very happy.

Whenever I meet STBXH, I make sure I wear something he would hate....

.... and I took back the christmas present he bought me and bought three pairs of pyjamas instead. He HATES pyjamas.

hohoho

fool loves PJs..baggier the better, hot water bottles (used to make him feel too hot!), having window open at night (used to make him feel too cold...offers hwb..see above), sleeping with curtains open to see the moon/dawn/rain...,

ahh yes...happiness is in the smallest things!

"I've been gone for nearly 3 months... And it's just fine. He said I would be unhappy. I'm not. I'm really very happy"

And cheers to the wearing things he would hate (especially pyjamas)

I love pyjamas too, always have, always will - they were always frowned upon before because they restricted his access to me (shudder)

These men and their oh so delicate eyes that we offend! I get the "something stuck on my shoe" look from h if i am wearing something unflattering or less than he expects in the glamour stakes. I now ask him if he has a problem instead of covering myself up with shame. But still feel the shame .

Once, years ago before we were married he complained that I didn't make enough effort with my appearance round the house. I marched upstairs, put on my graduation ball dress, came back downstairs and carried on loading the washing machine. Asked him if that was any better for him. He was silenced. I miss that girl I once was who was gutsy and knew what she would and would not put up with.

"ahh yes...happiness is in the smallest things!"

Actually, that is a good thing that my chequered history through the abusive landscape has given me - to get real joy from the small things in life.

YY to the sleeping with the window open (cat related mainly but still used to attract a lot of whining) - from a man whose core body temperature rivalled magma even in the depths of winter I might add!

Re clothes: mine wore the most hideous yellow fleece, far too big for him, that a friend got from the charity shop. Eventually I hid it. Another friend has described him as looking like an old tramp. This was while I still had hope, a couple of years ago. I tackled him on it, and we went to M&S where he did buy himself some clothes (well I paid ). I think that's the last time he bought anything. He really did not look v sexually attractive in his horrible old stuff!

Cocklodger he is, but manages to combine this with being a skinflint.

Today I am feeling a bit fed up, it's like being in a time-loop, he is still bloody here.

"I marched upstairs, put on my graduation ball dress, came back downstairs and carried on loading the washing machine"

BRILLIANT! Really love the image of you doing that, I never was gutsy enough to do anything like that at any point in any relationship.

Crikey, I've got 'reply-itis' tonight, evidently.

BIbi that's why h doesn't like pjs either :( means that it's more difficult to disrobe me without waking me up and "start proceedings"

What is this cocklodger I hear about often? Can someone explain what it means please?

EW suggest you try the last latest thing...the "onesy"here ?????? Should sort that out for you!