Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Lockdown many post on here about DC witnessing abuse, and taking it in as normal. Certainly DD feels she can talk to me in quite an offensive way, wimp that I am I have just started challenging it (she is 20), I think I haven't challenged cos it gets into one of those tangled arguements if I do, and also because when she does it in the presence of Ex he doesn't bat an eyelid - of course that's the way to talk to pink, isn't it?

Both DC now young adults seem Ok - maybe because I was a SAHM till they were in junior school - but I worry a bit... I think and hope we have been lucky to escape with minimal damage...

Thanks guys. Yes, pink, I don't want the way H treats me to affect how DS treats me in the long run. I don't want H ruining that relationship for me too.

veee have had the 'there my tits' convo with DH many a time, really, really winds me up when he doesn't listen

I've just come in to say DH had a bit of controlling morning with DC e.g ordering me to do DS's dirty nappy and in the time it takes me to pause my iPod he had flipped and was shouting that I didn't care about the kids, I shouted back and now he's asking me to change my attitude and be grateful he's at home today instead of at work, he denies overreacting. More to follow, no doubt...

I might be right in thinking that this is the end of the honeymoon period

Sounds like it beautiful

Be strong and tell him that he too is the parent and if a nappy needs changing so desperately, there is NO law stopping HIM stepping up to the responsibility of parenthood.

Also remind him that shouting at you for the above is unacceptable. Parenting is not YOUR job, it is a role that BOTH of you took on.

When he addresses you with respect, you will consider altering your attitude.

Line drawn. NOT to be crossed.

Easter is the symbol for new life... let this weekend be the beginning of YOUR new life, a stronger one, where YOU are respected... or he leaves.

lockdown He is saying that (the leaving him/divorce thing and hurting the DS) to intimidate you into staying. It's what terrifies HIM. That you will go, leaving him.

SO... OWN THAT POWER.

Put it this way. Unless things RADICALLY change, you need to leave, you know that, we know that, anyone with half a brain would know that.

TELL your H, that you WILL divorce him, and he'll lose BOTH you and DS. Remind him that you WILL be Ooooh, SO MUCH happier on your own, NOT being bullied, talked down to, moaned at, criticised, pawed at.

In time you will find a GOOD man, one that WILL treat you properly, and raise your son to be a good man... Tell him that unless he is planning a complete 180 degree shift in his behaviour right now, that he'd better start packing, so that the day that you find Mr OhSoMuchBetter comes sooner. Every day that this H of yours is in your life is a day that the right man ISN'T.

That usually stings em really hard.

Your H knows you practically are calling him abusive to his face, he seems to even recognise it, but is CHOOSING not to stop.

You need to be strong, and NOT allow his abuse of you anymore. Call him out on everything. Yes it's hideous, yes you feel like a school marm but for the love of God, what IS the alternative?

As far as he is concerned, the alternative is that if he ignores it, eventually you will give up your little crusade and let him go back to the way thins were... but they will of course only get worse as his desire/need for a fix of control needs satisfying.

Im so confused today, dont know what to think.

H is at work, Im like a zombie on the sofa, next thing I hear a knock at the door, its H with a woman from work. I quickly run around the lounge opening blinds etc, they both come in. Woman talking on her phone.

I go to trot upsatirs to brush my hair, H says where are you going will you put this website on for me and X to look at. So I politely come back downstairs and do this. I ask souldnt you both be at work? He replies I've just taken X to see a car. They then go on to talk about the car and this woman is going to consult her husband about it. She looks around the lounge, this is nice etc she says, nice space, it felt like she was viewing!

Cue a few more minutes of chit chat, again I say shouldnt you both be at work? yes they say we are going now. They go outside, H gets in the driver seat of womans car, she gets in the passenger seat and they drive off together, me waving them off!!!!!!

WT Actual F!!!! Im sat here speehless, what was all that about! he doesnt even drive me around in out fucking car I always have to drive. I just felt like this extra in my own house.

I dont think anything is going on, I know they have a bit of banter at work, she is quit abit older than him but it was just so odd!

rant over

why did he come here? I would have been none the wiser if they had been to see a car or not?

sorry this is a me me me post

Iwill that is, err odd....what was on the website? Was it related to the car thing?

Yes to check price etc, they were just both so brazen, I really dont know how to explain it - she looked a little uncomfortable at first but then was ok. I dont know what to think?

Does he have previous for sort of thing? What's your gut feeling - just innaprorpriate and insensitive or trying to send you some kind of message?

So she does have a husband then...would they be v quiet/bored at work on a bank holiday?

parsley I honestly dont know. Ive posted here alot about EA. But I'm honestly struggling to type words. We have seperated a couple of times in the last 6 months both initiated by me because I couldnt stand the way he has been treating me and the DCs. He is "tyring" at the moment and things have improved but not greatly iykwim.

I have to admit I am still quite distant from him, the damage that has been done is still very raw with me - we both know this may not work. But when he walked in today, he was charming, nice, cracking a few jokes - it was sureal (sp) he didnt ring in advance (even though he knew it was likely I wouldnt be dressed etc)

The only word I can think of is odd.

Not making much sense I know, my thoughts dont seem to be lining up at the mo!

IWBF

Yes quiet at work, no management in today.

Hi all. Just wanted to lend my support. I was in a very dysfunctional relationship for a long time and I read some of these threads and thank my lucky stars that Ialked away and then met my husband.

I wish all happiness for the future.xxx

Ok, so was this a willy-waving show of "Look, see, this woman is charmed by me" d'ya think?

Does seem to be making a point...I can see that 'when the cat is away' they could do this in the work's time, but presumably they could also have accessed the internet back at work (or is this not possible?)

Hi Cherry.x

"Willy-waving" am chuckling away at this!!!

Maybe parsley maybe, I am confused but in all honesty I cant be arsed with a points scoring scenario.

Thanks for making me laugh!!! xxxx

Glad it made you laugh...I would say don't waste energy any mores of what the motives were, but it would be out of order for me. I like to have notice of when people are coming in case I am sat in jimmies picking nose with greasy hair [bugrin]

What willy-waving has your fwit other half done lately...tis a whole new thread, just waiting! [bugrin]

To me this smacks of "look at me I am a capable adult man...I can help a woman buy a car...I can drive...(but apparently can't access the internet without help from IWBF)...look IWBF you are completely wrong about me I am NORMAL....!!!!"

Except that the very act of of doing the "willy-waving" ensures that you KNOW he is NOT normal...trust your gut it's saying ie TWAT behaviour!

Waving at beautifulyou (intentional name)...presumably he's going to hold the "it's been very busy leading up to Easter" card over you and demand that during his small time off you cater to his every need (and the DCs). Stay strong and observant, it will empower you.

Thanks Houdini. It's great to have a place to share the way I'm feeling as there is no one I feel I could talk to in RL. I'm looking forward to a good break soon as he is going away for work. Time for me to think about things with a clear head. Bottom line is he has absolutely no intention of trying. We have been through all this before. There is no radical change on the horizon as far as his behaviour is concerned. He is so complacent about me and takes me so for granted. Can I rant a little? I'm sick of his disgusting behaviour. I read somewhere earlier up the thread about a guy who thinks he has a right to touch one of the poster's breasts. My H also thinks he can grab me if he feels like it - it's like a bolt out of the blue, even if we mid argument. He's a pig. His anger is also intolerable. Yesterday I accidentally opened our car door onto a parking meter, making a small dent. He took a verbal shot at me, & then when I jumped in the car & locked my door so I could keep away from him he kicked the window with his whole foot. Right in my face IYSWIM. DS was in the back seat. I'm fucking over it. I need an income though before I walk out.

Lockdown, he sounds vile xxx