Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Oh, I miss the poetry threads! Was anyone here on the old NPD threads?? That must be three years ago now We were always writing hilariously bad poetry on there.

Did you know that in psychopaths, (which would almost certainly have a large overlap with abusers), certain areas of the brain are completely dead to them? In the area which shows activity when normal people experience empathy, brain scans show that for psychopaths it is totally devoid of any activity at all.

Of course, this means nothing in real terms, because the vast majority of psychopaths "merely" tend to screw up individual people on an individual basis and never go on to commit any significant crimes, it's a minority who do. But could you imagine if we could recognise this before they ever had chance to hurt anybody?

Different sources say different things, but the overall estimate seems to be that 3% of men in the world are psychopaths, and 1% of all women. That's a lot!

Being the good scientist that I am, can you give an attribution, bertie?

Just having a quick read through.
Do ALL abusers tell their partner that it feels like they are the ones walking on eggshells. My h says this to me quite a lot. When the reality is, I am the one walking on egg shells constantly.

parsley - i think i am in a minority, but I dont think mensioning it shows it has got to you. It is rude to randomly 'unlike' you business FB page. It would have been appropriate not to comment at all. That is a reflection on your NSDH. What is wrong with pointing that out?

Sweep - My ex also did it alot, I think it's because he saw me as a thing. He didn't appreciate I had any feelings. Therefore he could not see how anything hurt them. Therefore anything he did (normal in his eyes) that in reality was quite hurtful...would induce mad woman me not to behave lovely, and ever grateful in his presence. Therefore him just going about his day to day life having his 'thing' act irrationally was very stressful for him :) (I presume) xx

Well, in a way, they are in many cases. Mine sort of was - because I was likely to go into an abuse-induced rage. Yes he was provoking me, however I think the level of his self-delusion was and is quite high - he thinks he is being rational and reasonable, when he's not.

x-posted. In the light of yours bobits I would add that my rage sprang from helplessness - and that I think he knew perfectly well that I was feeling helpless. Because of this dynamic, I couldn't argue very well and he could mess my head with his answers, which he could think of from a cooler frame of mind.

And he Would Not address the content - because I have AS I can't help talking loudly when I feel strongly what I am saying, and he would always divert the conversation to the manner in which I was saying things, not what I was actually saying.

That is so true pink, they 'know' when they 'have' you and they 'love it.
For a moment they are strong, powerful and articulate.
But it's an illusion.
A strong powerful articulate man has no reason to take advantage of someone in a vulnerable place.

Brings back memories of when arse would hiss horrible things at me in the car, in an undertone, and I would text him back to avod screaming at him in front of dd...

I can't remember the original source now, but if you google "psychopath" there are many sites which have much better sources than I could pull up. I have a couple of books saved on my to-read list in goodreads, too. "The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry" and "The Sociopath Next Door".

I watch Jeremy Kyle sometimes (so shoot me). Sometimes, the bloke (always a bloke) has been on the stage, having been proved to be unfaithful, whatever, and is looking completely deadpan. JK has said, "You're not bothered are, just no reaction". This is my dh to a t...

Reflecting is a common tactic of narcs, in particular. It can work both ways - they either reflect onto you things that are true about themself, e.g. "You're so selfish" or take your feelings and make out like they are having them, ie the walking on eggshells thing.

I'll see if I can find some more concrete sources later, Pink, sorry, it's late. I have a friend who lived with XP and I for just over a year and then moved out (was forced out, actually, was quite messy) and has had some other experiences with people of the same ilk, he's very well read on the subject now. Very interesting to talk to.

I'm remembering now...one of the things about being a psychopath, or anti-social personality, is your 'base-line' for stimulation is set differently to normal people. So you are very easily bored. Arse kept saying 'We never have any fun' but was unable to say what form this would take...

Well mine was very easily pleased. I was crying with boredom. He played Civilisation. For 10 years. I kid you not.

And remember, this was instead of working.

Pink, there is some spoof poetry for you, at 1519hrs yesterday...

I saw it, I have some poetic replies in mind, but will have to do it via PM only

Oh Pink I hope I didnt upset you with my crap poetry, I must think before I open my keyboard.

Really sorry if I did I would never want to upset you

IWBF xx

I'm now back at my parents' following what is likely to be the last argument me and soon-to-be-ex-OH will have. I got in from a long day at work, having been to an exercise class, and he's there sitting on his arse. He tells me there's some veg on the side. I am starving hungry and so I'm afraid I said "so, there's an expectation that I'm cooking dinner, is there?" (because I do it most nights anyway) and he hit the roof, saying what a horrible thing to say and how ungrateful I am etc etc. He went off to the pub and I packed a few things into a bag and got in the car and drove up here (was planning to come tomorrow anyway as couldn't face four days in tiny house with him and his kids). I'm back at work on tuesday but have a place to stay next week if needs be, while he moves his stuff out (assuming he's going to do this and doesn't just dig his heels in).

I haven't contacted him. I can't be bothered. Fuck him. Is it so unreasonable to hope that one's partner might have turned the oven on and put the leftover lasagne in to warm through ready for when she got back from her class? Do I have to do it all even though I work full time too?

Phew kernowgal well done.

No prob iwbf the problem is only outing him as poem is in public domain.

But here goes anyway

You promised rainbows out of rust
But now I think I've got you sussed

oh no pink are the poems directed at you? (sorry if I'm getting it all wrong)

If they are, he's just so bloody out of order

? Please put us right Pink.

No not directed specifically at me. Sort of general poems, iyswim. However, of course I compare his poetic idealism with reality. The poem is a general sort of promise poem - a bit like if you stay, I'll give you a day, like no day has been... He is writing in a genre, is all, I think. But can't post actual pome, course I can't.

Parsley it is incredible that you wrote just what I needed to hear: that I am not alone in the small acts of spite.

I have just had a little phonecall dig about 'all your traffic fines' (we living in a country where it is a blatant revenue raising exercise, and they move and hide under camoflage nets so you can't see them). Turns out there were two. This is in retaliation to the 12 he had over Xmas, when he took offense to me and did not listen to my warnings that there were speed traps (so I eventually shut up) and then was offended about me noticing how many there were.

It is all so unnecessary. Why did he do that dig? What does he want? Well I know: never to be in the wrong and never to be criticised. And me never to be offended by anything he does up to and including cheating but 'understand' his suffering.

At the moment I am really focussing on consolidating my life for me and not getting sucked in to anything. He hates the non-reactivity and is being a martyr. What I would like more than anything else is for him to go away. I just want to text back 'yes, I am a disgusting human being, sorry, whatever'.

Abit if you absolutely have to, maybe the 'whatever' without the other bad. Don't demean yourself, even in sarcasm. [busmile]