Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

Bit not bad....

Yup, agree: only the 'whatever ...' and don't even bother to text it.

Ladies, we really are all with the same man. Sorry, I have lost the thread of who said what, but my dp is always telling me that he walks on eggshells, that i abuse him etc etc. But his best is that I am the 'master of my reactions'. This means that he is allowed to say or do whatever he pleases, no matter how hurtful, in fact the more hurtful to me the better, and then he will say: 'look at you, you are out of control, calm down, don't upset yourself (!).' If I get upset or angry at what he is saying or doing! He is truly a nasty piece of work and will with really scrape the barrel in a bid to get me upset.

I am really please today as I am focussing on detaching from him. It is really handwork though, he wants to go on holiday this year to visit his family abroad, his father and step mum are actually lovely, but a holiday with dp is exhausting for me. The place where we will stay will not be child friendly, dp spends the whole time playing on his phone and I find these holidays hard as I have to spend a lot of time with dp, we will be in the middle of nowhere and I have to be super vigilant with two tiny DCs near water and forests. I have explained for years the problems with these holidays, dp also always picks a huge row with me on the way home, I think the effort of the holiday is also too much for him, though all he does is please himself. So anyway, I have said I am not going because of his behaviour towards me. I refuse to get into much discussion about it, but of course dp's response now is that aim stopping the DCs see PIL! I think to upset me. He knows I always try to do the right thing...but I am not rising to this one...

Happy Easter ladies, I hope we can all get through the bank hol without too much stress

Hello all I hope it's ok to jump on board, looking for some help to get me through the last part of my very bumpy journey,Iv name changed.

We are away from him now, not that his torment stops he uses the dc and any other way to carry this on.
I have lost so much in leaving him but gained my freedom, feeling like he's still going to win, he always does I'm left feeling like an empty shell and I have no idea how to rebuild my life although people keep telling me I am doing it it doesn't feel like it I feel I don't know how to drive this speedboat I havnt had lessons??

I have achieved so much in the last few months, there's lots of positives, it's how I'm feeling I need help with.

Hi Oh....he hasn't won, you've got yourself back... I am 'away' but not yet at the happy stage. I am sad at several points most days. What a waste of a family, when it was good it was terrific, yada yada. I have never regretted him going tho'. I had to to protect my 'young', hence the Lioness... There will be a point where I will be happy though. This morning I woke up, and the'loss' of everything wasn't the first thought. That's a bonus for me. Your life will be good again.

Lets talk about winning. These fwits win if you stay, and allow them to abuse you and your children. Not if you get out. Oh, I take it you've got good legal representation regarding financial assets, etc.

Lioness I just feel so empty he's took everything from me , there's nothing left well the dc and who knows he'll probably get them in court too? I feel powerless against him how did it get to that stage I'm petrified of him.

I knew getting 'away' wouldn't solve it all but feel stuck as to how to move forward.

My dc have no idea what is ' normal ' We've been locked away in his tirany for so long, I just don't know how to do this I keep getting things wrong, all the guilt sitting with me from splitting up my dc's family home, I thought I was protecting my dc by leaving but not sure now.

I didn't think the journey would be this long lonely and bumpy ?

X post I have a solicitor yes

Oh I will pm you...

Hello oh, the first thing I want to say to you is well done, you have been so strong already, you have taken your DCs and left. You are strong. You have done what I feel too weak to do. I am sure it is a long bumpy road, but you have started on it. And the longer you are away from DH, the stronger you and DCs will be. Splitting up the home is not as bad as living in what you call his tirany, you have made the right choice. You can build a new home, day by day, or even hour by hour, everyday you are away you move forward as that is a victory, you have won already.

Though I think parsley has a good point, I always feel like dp wins.

This morning it was truly icy here. He is livid because I am refusing to go on holiday, the holidays we had last year and the year before were he'll for me, for more reasons than I want to detail, I've said some above. I have said pils are v welcome here so I am not stopping their contact. I just want do to behave in a reasonable manner...it's never going to happen though, is it?

Oh i also feel like you some of the time..sometimes you just have to shut your feelings up in a box and put one foot in front of the other to get to a better place, and then deal with the emotions.

You have not split up a happy home, you are moving towards health and wholeness but there is a whole lot of healing to go on in that time. A bumpy ride as you said. There is a reason why so many of us return about the 5/6 month mark..the exhaustion, the disbelief that we were really right about him, the feeling of failure, waste, guilt about staying so long, guilt about leaving, guilt that the DCs don't have a decent father, anger that we wasted so much of ourselves on them....but it is ok, there is a future and we will get there, to that happier place and the DCs will be the better for it.
Have you RL support too or are you living in the post abuse vacuum?????

have a look here at someone who is 3 years down the linelife after EA.

we will get there too.

Fool yes my emotions have been locked away in box deep inside for such along time that now I'm away from him the box is opening.. Not sure it should scared to open it tbh

Post abuse vacuum hmmm yeah it's lonely although through his desperation I believe in losing control of me he's getting more desperate and he's tripping himself up, people are starting to see what he's really like.

I have a feeling I'm never going to get over this fully x

Yes, you will, it just doesn't feel like it - yet Oh.

Oh good fool! I am glad you posted the Life after EA thread It's so important to know that there is life and OOOHHHH what a life when we get free of these dickheads.

I get kind of frustrated and join the ranks of leave the bastard too at times, but it really IS that simple. Anything we say to delay the separation is just excuses, it's flannel. There is NO reason on earth to stay in a relationship where we are being abused.

None. NOT ONE.

We will be whole again. It takes time..everything does....time to be abused, time to heal. Maybe not without scars..but healed.

I can't wait to be free. I am almost emotionless. Well apart from anger. I always fel angry. It's not fair.
Have started
Roper.y on the Lundy book today as he's out.
He shows so much of the ea described in the 1st 3 chapters that I've gone through s far.
I have been underlining relevant stuff with a pencil.

I've been having a bit of a panic because I dropped off the thread then found the old one but then couldn't find a new one!

I thought I'd lost you!!!

Had the whole "it's ok for me to touch your tits whenever I want to because we're married even if you don't want me to" conversation (again) today.

I will have a read back, I've missed so much! I hope you're all ok.

Hi Vee...glad you came back! They are your tits! Reclaim your tits!

And today I am a dick because I've refused to pick up his dirty washing from our bedroom floor

Veeeee xxx

You are not a dick. He is. Xxx

hi everyone, hope u r having a good easter weekend (as much as poss for some of you)
veeee wow totally agree with sweep, what a vile disgusting creature.
hi sweep, anger is good in some ways, i think in a way easier to deal with and anger is one of the stages of bereavement before you get over it? (is this right, someone correct if i'm wrong!) any more news on d-day? you are in my prayers.

since i realised i was in an abusive relationship i can't help but read into everything. so, last night my friends rings me and is telling me about her bf treating her like dirt. making plans with her and then his mates ask him to go out with them and he drops plans with her.he also always talks about moving away even though he knows this upsets her. he still lives at home, doesn't tidy his bedroom and basically sounds like a little spoilt child! i started to think that maybe she is in a EA relationship, but she has never mentioned him begin aggressive just really dramatic if she ever tries to tell him how she feels. and he tells her she is being over the top. am i just thinking it could be abuse because of personal experiences? what do people think?

lots of love, and chocolate eggs! xxxxx

sun hard to tell. He may just be very immature and selfish... But yes, my judgement is obs flawed. I do know that I wasn't ready to listen to anyone who cast doubt on my relationship, so....

It's not the violence that makes the people abusive it's the "entitlement"...the violence is a way to get and keep control. Not all abusers are violent. It's the attitude isn't it...if he is a selfish little runt then he is capable of "growing up" and taking responsibility, if he's going to abuse others he will continue to be selfish and find ways of making others cater to this.......

Regular but have changed my name. Hello. I'm at my wits end in a very stale marriage. 1 DC who is 2. I can't see a way out of this together. I made him read "Love without Hurt" as it really seemed to hit the nail on the head for us. He read it. Acknowledged it was really relevant to us & then nothing changed between us. He is a prick. Everything I do is wrong. Everything gets picked on, criticised, questioned. He never smiles at me, says anything nice about me, does anything which shows he appreciates me or my raising our son. I'm a SAHM at the moment but trying to get back into work. Couldn't care less whether I ever sleep with him again & I haven't for months and months. I am so angry and unhappy. I've told him I want a divorce & all he says is "well, you think it's so funny to say that, but you'll only end up hurting DS". So what, I'm meant to take this shit forever so as to protect my son from divorce? I don't know what to do. I hate him.

Hi, lockdown welcome.
keep reading, I am sure the right answer for you will become apparent, there's lots of good material at the top of the thread and you can always let us know what is going on as it happens.......the ladies here are good at seeing through the fog.