Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 7

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Financial abuse Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.

I need help

I'm wrong to feel this but basically I want to take my ex back I have been strong and stood up to him reported things to police recently, he's on bail etc but I want to go back last few days Im lost lonely etc but it like I crave his shit iykwim? I'm my mind I'm not seeing him that bad, I am aware this isn't the case but feelings are taking over, we have dc I was with him a long time,I know things were bad, probably making no sense in all this.

I miss him and want to be with him right now, it should be that way,he should control me, dont know what I'm asking just scared I think of what could happen.

Hi, Modeerfteews
How long have you been broken up with your ex for? What has happened to make you feel that you want to take him back?
I can understand where you are coming from and its seems so do you because as you say, he controls you. I think sometimes when we break up with anyone, after a bit, all the happy memories start flooding back and you block out the bad times. But if you were in an abusive relationship then it's even worse because you have the added dimension of control that they have over you, where they are all sweetness and full of remorse etc but really it's just a cover up for their bad behaviour.
Maybe try and focus on all the horrible things he has done each time you feel that you miss him. BUT don't feel silly or scared for feeling that you do miss him because it's totally normal. The thing to maybe remember is that you might miss the person you thought he was and the life you thought you had. NOT the reality of the situation you have left and will eventually be so much better and stronger for doing so. And remember, if you do take him back he will not change, he will do it again and you will be reversing the great thing you ahve done by taking your kids out of this abusive situation. Hope this makes some sense. lots of love xxx

Modeer good advice above...I have been apart from STBXH for 6 months. Apparently, this is the time that many people go back. I have missed him, what we had, what we COULD have had, if he were not such a fuckwit. Wise women on MN said I would get past this, and I think I have. I am having psychotherapy. Having to fund myself, can only afford every two weeks, but helping so much. Please stay strong. We're rooting for you. x

PS. I had a long thread on here, which detailed a lot of the abuse. I printed it off, and kept it. I have re-read it, and some of the abuse I had actually forgotten or blocked, but it strengthened my resolve. I also rescued a cat...

Not that I want to take him back, but since months of still being under the same roof take their toll in a different way - you just want it to be over, but are not going to be fucked over in the process. Just my experience! Feel much better after recent stressiness, guess what, am back on the Excel...

*six not since

You and Excel Pink...

Hi thanks

Its been 5 months since i left him, I think the fact NOTHING big has happened is why I want to go back I want to back in a place because I'm lost wondering around in the dark.
He controlled every aspect of my life for so long, in the end I didn't go out anywhere except to supermarket, so I'm finding it hard.
He was never physically violent until I tryed to leave him,but I cave his abuse crave him it sounds so silly I know it does.
I know what you mean parsley about wanting what could of been I think you hit nail on head with that, we had so much and could of had so much more it's sad for my dc that he couldn't just us right,at least I see it's him/ his fault now and not mine iykwim.

IWBF How odd!! - it seems to me (IMO) look at how funny/charming/nice I am - with a slight undercurrent of this woman thinks Im great - why dont you??? Just my opionion! Have you asked him/brought it up since he got in from work? Darth

Couldn't just treat us right

Ment to read.

foolonthehill thank you for replying and he decided to work from home so I didn't get a break from DS's, not too bad really, it's the verbal stuff I struggle with

Modeerfteews HAve you read Lundy Bancroft's Book? WHY DOES HE DO THAT?

If not, you should, it will help.

Also call WA and get yourself onto the Freedom Programme. What this man did to you is WORSE than violence. You need to understand that, you need to heal. You can't do it on your own.

Mo I think missing the abuse and control is normal...your OH trained you to depend on him..and you did, now you are out in the big bad world swimming on your own with all us other free fishes...it's scary, but we can learn to do it...and we will.

Much strength to you and the DCs. freedom is hard won, but worth it.

beautiful can i safely pm you with something i would like your opinion on...or is it tricky?

Mod and all others who read The Books. There was a woman in the 70's who set up either the first, or among the first refuges for women called Erin Pizzey. She wrote stuff about why women go back to men like this. This is a woman's view, whereas I think Lundy B is a man(?). I'm not saying that makes his view invalid in any way, but I think i might like to source some of her stuff and read it. Don't know if it fell out of favour at all, might go and ask on the femist board.

Having read both, I think Lundy is far better. Some interesting stuff in Erin Pizzey about how you can get addicted to the adrenalin of abuse, but also some discredited stuff about masochistic women. jI remember one absolutely horrible chapter that dealt with a strangely ritualized, sexualized form of abuse, and it felt pretty pornographic and like nothing I recognized. Lundy is much better on the dynamics on abusive relationship.

Hello foolonthehill you can pm me, DH at work and ds2 having morning nap,

I recognize the "adrenaline of abuse" not so much in myself but in the children. When we were together i would sometimes be at the provocation of one or other DC whilst i was walking on eggshells....the explosion and the adrenaline seemed to produce a kind of excitement and relief in the DCs.

Once he had left and then stopped seeing them it took a couple of months for this provocative behaviour to die down, but sometimes I think we areon the brink again and i have to think quick to provide "good" adrenaline fixes!

I agree that there are quite a few problems with the ideas about abuse floating around in the '70s. There was the idea that abused women, somehow, 'got something' out of being abused, a bit like a masochist being into someone whipping them.
All the books mentioned here debunk that myth (my heartfelt, lifelong again to you - the wise women - for putting them up).
Susan Forward says that abused women, far from desiring the status quo, actually live in the daily illusion hope of it changing; we, like everyone else want a respectful, loving relationship - we are not some weirdos who enjoy abuse.
I think 'the adrenalin of abuse' is not that. It is much more like the feeling of not having a headache when the aspirin kicks in - relief that, for now, the pain has gone. Doesn't make you think that there was anything good about the headache, though.
So Fool rather than think that the kids miss an unhealthy relationship, think how great it is that they can test boundaries without all hell breaking loose.

I think 'the adrenalin of abuse' is not that. It is much more like the feeling of not having a headache when the aspirin kicks in - relief that, for now, the pain has gone. Doesn't make you think that there was anything good about the headache, though.
arthritic think this is a good analogy. if there is any adrenalin involved i think it's because you become so tense and worked up knowing that he will be kicking off some time soon.

Can I also add that once we have become accustomed to abuse our concept of 'normal' and 'acceptable' becomes distorted (permanently? :() and, so, paradoxically, the longer it goes on for, the more 'OK' it becomes. We start not to be able to see over the edge of the black hole that has been dug for us.

Ow Ow Ow!

I had a lovely Easter weekend with my Very Nice Man and his DC which was eye opening in how calm everybody was. No arguing or snapping and no hurt feelings. I enjoyed it but missed my own DC

Then my DC came home after 10 days away with XH having a fun exciting time far away. I picked them up from the station and they were exhausted. Yet again H takes them away for a fun-filled holiday then when I am off work they are too tired to go anywhere and just want to chill out, see friends and stay home. They live with him (his decision).
I think he does it semi-deliberately as when I give him my holiday dates it keeps coincidentally clashing with a fantastic opportunity for the DC that I would be a fool to deny them (and couldn't anyway as they are older).

Do I just swallow it and accept that I am being pushed out? Or should I fight back? I can't compete on the fab holiday front financially but could maybe get them to stay over with me and do supper and DVD nights in or day trips. I know if I raise it again I will get accused of being paranoid by XH. I haven't felt this upset in ages. I feel like just not bothering to fight at the moment, it only upsets me and doesn't achieve anything.

Bighouse are you around? How do you manage this one?

littlehouse what a great idea to do sleepovers with film, popcorn and so on then a chilled out breakfast...pancakes would work here...make the time special, just you and them...invite them and accept that sometimes it may not be convenient. I think teens love this kind of thing and I am sure that they are missing you...even if Dad has turned into "superman".

Just don't role over and accept it...your children need you both and need to be able to have a relationship with the woman you are now, without the stress of their father around you.

Hi LittleHouse :( at how you are feeling.
FWH (thank you for the acronym ) made me so depressed and unsure of myself last year that I seriously believed my kids would be better off if they never saw me again. :(
Please, please do not let that happen to you. You are unspeakably important to your children
As Fool say,s if you can't compete with the holidays, get them to hang out round at yours - tell them to bring the photos of these wonder holidays to make it all normal.
Your FWH may be able to do the big stuff, but kids don't half need a lot of the small, day to day stuff.

Thanks guys for listening. I'm sure you are right and they do still need me, they seem to come to me when they are feeling sad or worried and cry and rant all over me, which is a mixed blessing!
I just made DS a birthday cake but DD2 tells me she has made one already and hers is better. Don't know whether to laugh or cry, as I taught her to cook! And she is a good listener and we discuss all this stuff openly which helps us both. She is a lovely girl!

Ah well. We will have a nice day out tomorrow for the birthday together, DC and two friends and me doing something fun and local. I'll ask them how they would like to spend time with me. They both have exams soon and will need to do some work.

arthritic it is infuriating how ending a bad marriage can make you doubt yourself in so many ways. I hate having failed so badly at something that really mattered to me for so long. While FWH thinks he is wonderful and passes all the blame and shame onto me. And I just accept it as my lot...