Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair and left us - WE ARE MOVING ON!)

[Dee34]

Hopefully, I have done this correctly?!

Old thread here Thread1

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
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Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

Dee,

My heartfelt wishes are winging their way to you. I think that this was always going to be in the pipeline. He's a liar, its as straightforward as that. He will say anything to mainpulate you and hurt you. And he really doesn't care.

I can't stop now, but I will post later.

Its even more important for you to focus on yourself and your DS. Maybe staying close to your Ex is not going to be tenable for you.

In the meantime, don't engage with him. He will be looking for ways to get at you, so please don't let him. You are his only audience, so its time for you to walk even further away.

Plan your escape from this dimwit. You deserve so much better.

Dee big hugs ,rattle it all out to your counsellor if you can get a chance .

Protect yourself emotionally as much as you can Dee ,I am far healthier not getting drawn into my exs life ,2yrs on i truly dont care .Gf phoned me NY day ,re the kids ,i told her to tell him to contact my sol ,she called me cruel.Just some daft wee lass.Aint got a clue the upset her and kids dad have caused the children.But their lives are none of my business.Works both ways ,my life is NONE of their business.woo hoo.I refuse to get drawn into their mess ,i learned to protect myself against it.When GF called she said "Hi Patience ,Its +$%%^ here,Mr Patience's GF ,I nearly said to her Yeah ,and hows that working out for ya .
Apparantley he had had the worst xmas and NYs ever and she's never seen a man so heartbroken ..........shame x
I think they call it consequences .
Remember life is more of a marathon than a sprint .
Cry it out ,punch and kick and get rid of your anger ,you have a great life ahead of you without this lying tosser xxxxx

yes patience, they do ham it up to anyone and everyone

Bless you Dee ((HUG)). Do look after yourself eh, get as much loving support as you can, including this thread! (bit concerned that you're saying you're 'dragging it up' ??) btw are you still seeing a counsellor? though sometimes I think it helps more, during acute times, to spend time - online and in rl - with people who are going through, or have been through, similar heartache.

Thinking of you, lots of love winging its way to you xx

Thanks - am still numb to be honest. Fully expected this to happen and yes, it seems like with this, this is the final nail in the coffin for me. This was always something I was ?scared? of happening and now it has, so I am at least free from that fear?..I think, even though I would never take him back and we are done and dusted, it is like a stab through the heart all over again. It is also so hurtful that he so very publicly rejected me and yet, is happy to go along living a fantasy by planning to get pregnant with her from the moment she arrived here (I know I shouldn't,but have worked out that she was preggers when they got hitched in Nov).

The news is also a bit of a trigger to make me re-think things again, I do wonder if he had been seeing her for a lot longer than he lets on, as who, in their right mind would plan to move in with someone, get married and have a baby with a person they had only physically seen for 30-odd days???..it just seems strange. Also, I feeling personally low now as thinking that he could never ever have loved me (at least not as much as he does new wife, with the grand romantic, dramatic gestures). I cant help but to keep replaying their life over and over to try and get some sense from it all.....

Met Oct 2010 on busines trip (2 nights)
Second busines trip in Dec 2012 (5 nights)
Ex leaves us for NY and runs off to be with her (7 nights). On that trip, they plan to be together forever and she plans to move here
Between Jan 2011 and July 2011, they spend 30-odd days together, here or in the US.
She moves here in July 2011, living with ex from day 1
He introduces DS to her after 3 days of her arriving here in July 2011
They get married late Nov 2011. She gets pregnant around this time
They move house last week - big leafy house near town centre
He tells me she is pregnant in Jan 2012.
All of this intense stuff all within 6 months. By the time she has her baby, she will have been here for 12 months....transtlantic move, moving in together, getting married, buying a house, pregnant and baby within a year.

It also makes me feel like a complete failure - he is going back to the same circumstances of 2 years ago, willingly as pregnancy was no accident. I am left feeling like I WAS the one at fault, like look 'see, ex can do the family/commitment thing, just not with you Dee34 because you are x,y, z'. Not healthy thinking, I know, but its all that I can think of at the moment.

And of course, I now have to think about DS having a half-sibling that I am unable to give him (and ? irrational ? fears, such as will he prefer spending time there as he really likes babies etc). Dec 29th 2010, I was preparing to start fertility treatment and 7 days later, ex was telling me that he never wanted to have another child with me?..and then he does this?..Also, how will DS feel, knowing that he only gets to see his dad part-time, whereas the new baby will always be there?.esp as this is all so soon after everything imploded. I am just so angry with him. He is so completely selfish and self-absorbed (and yes, I do get that this is his life now, he can do what he wants, with who he wants....just feel like poo).

Hi Dee - sorry I don't have the time right now to respond fully, but I am thinking of you and I can imagine how difficult it all is for you right now (I suspect my ex stopped short of telling me his new girlfriend was pregnant when he told me about her at christmas). But yes, please continue to take whatever comfort and solace you can here - you're certainly not 'dragging it up'.

It's new information and it will take some time to process and acclimatise to it. You have every right to be hurt and feel angry at the way you and your DS have been treated. Jesus though, watching your ex and his new partner - it's like waiting for a train crash to happen isn't it? Irresponsible or mad? Who knows, but you are far better off out of it.

I'm sending you a big unmumsnetty hug ((((((()))))))

Huge shock for you Dee ,but his behaviour throughout has been appauling ,you are a star,you are amazing,he isn't.It is very difficult to stay out of exs business ,but once you get to that place it is a place of mental freedom.Would be easier for my ex if i was still drawn in he could still tell me how i was doing things wrong,how its all my fault how gf is such a wonderful person blah blah blah,i m not interested anymore ,its better where i am now,concentrate on you and ds,spoil urself with as little stress as possible in the next few days and talk it out as much as you can.Talking is healing x

Hi Springy - thanks for support...I only meant dragging it up, in a flippant way, as had been meaning to come on here and post on some other 'discovery' type threads....then ex gives me the news I have been pretty much waiting for really (so not sure why this is such a huge shock!). No, not seeing counsellor at the moment - thought I was 'fixed', but not so sure with today's news....

Also have to admit, I did let myself down and I cried as were talking (DS in the car, so didn't see). I think it was the shock really. It is such a blow, esp as he left as we were about to start fertilty treatment and he has now run off and got someone (younger) pregnant, whilst I am sitting here with time ticking on and no prospect of any further children because of ex's decision...Also baffled that he would leave similar 'misery-making' experiences of new baby and less attention on him/them as a couple to what is surely going to be a 'worse' scenario (remember, one bit of sterling advice he gave me before he left was that I spent too much time/focus on DS and for the future, I should remember to put my partner first!)?

Patience - thanks. I agree, but at the moment, cant accept it as yet (that I am better off etc). At the moment, it looks like ex is living the high life. New big house, new wife and now new baby (no dobut, he is going great guns in his career and bringing in big bonuses. Doubt new wife would have looked twice at ex if she had met him 12 years ago.....see, I cant stop these thoughts all over again!). Whereas I am just about floating. And, just realised that I will be getting even less maintenance when the baby comes along.....great. You are right about the lying tosser. Cant remember if I posted at the time, but just before he flew off to get married (a couple of days before), he gave me some emotional drama of how he had regrets, how he had wanted to come back, but knew I wouldn't take him back (load of crap - he never once asked, not that I would have taken him). The man was crying buckets down the phone (yes, I was a mug to have even given him than much of my time). All I said back to him at the time was that no-one had to do anything they didn't want to. If he didn't want to get married, then dont! And he did.

McNaughty - thanks. Yes, I think I will be well to keep myself protected from him from now on as just get dragged back into the murky waters. Yes, maybe he will be a bit less obsessed wth DS (I say obsessed loosely, as his interest is obviously on his terms only). I did engage a bit this morning as the news unravelled. I asked (in all seriousness), what did his friends and family think? A few have questioned the rush, but others are happy for him/them......bonkers. He was asking to have DS this weekend as new wife is away for the weekend - ruddy cheek.

Mummytime - thanks. Not doing anything for myself at the moment! Though can be a bit old dose of self-pity will be in the offing this evening. I think as you, McNaughty, Springy and others have mentioned, I seriously need to think about future for DS and I.

Dolly - will check out email in a moment and get back to you....I feel like I have been knocked for six. I am at work, but not working, just processing really......

I cannot believe that he was asking me one day to go out to Legoland with him and DS one day before NY, then 3 days later was ignoring my calls to DS, then a few days later asking if we could all do something together as a family. And asking for all our old photos. All the time, knowing he was expecting a new baby.The idiot.

And what if new wife gets PND (she wont though, she has assured him I would imagine) or the sex life dwindles or dies a death (again, am sure she knows the score on this), or doesn't want to go back to work and wants to be a SAHM (hmmmm, dont think ex will want to foot the bill for everything on past experience, or I will be the one to get it in the neck/have my purse hit....), or they grow apart (again, she knows the score here) or dares to put her new baby first....

I feel utterly worthless at the moment.

All I can say is thank god your DS has you for his mum with that fruitloop as his father.

Sorry Dee - cross posted. I think you've answered many of your own doubts there. You haven't fucked up - he has, and there's no control you can have over his behaviour. He's responsible for his own actions. Thankfully he's someone else's problem now. Heaven forbid indeed that the new partner should ever want to give her newborn her undivided attention, or struggle with losing the baby weight, or feel to tired for sex or be her usual glamorous self, or get depressed, or ill, or ever actually need to be able to rely on him. The big house and the big bonuses - it's all based on nothingness though isn't it. There's no substance behind it and at some point it's going to crash down like a pack of cards. God, it's going to be a white knuckle ride for her isn't it. Still, she can't say she didn't know what she was getting in to

I do feel for you Dee. That heinous party line about individuality, people have their own lives, it's none of our business (blah blah effing BLAH); move on etc - God, it's just so inhuman I find. Beats us with a stick when we're hurting and in agony.

as for thinking that he could never ever have loved me (at least not as much as he does new wife, with the grand romantic, dramatic gestures : my ex told me he hadn't loved me on the day we married, that he felt sorry for me and had to go through with it. There's a pickaxe to the heart eh? I believed it for a bit (it was actually the catalyst to me leaving him, so all wasn't lost) but rationale won out and I just wasn't having it: it was a way to control and shame me. He also, like your laughable ex, went on to the love of the century, making large about how this was the real thing, that he had been hoodwinked by the actress/matchgirl he picked up from the gutter (that would be me) and that now he had the real mccoy - and what a difference! The fact is, he had her hook, line and sinker; had developed his levels of control and moved in on her with the full armoury. She didn't stand a chance (not that I feel sorry for her - she has caused unbelievable damage to my family).

He has kept you closely within his orbit which makes this revelation all the more acutely painful. imo he is not right in the head (lame phrase), not a kosher bod - I would go so far as to say he is not capable of loving. Anyone. Including her. The poor cow is up the duff, not in her own country with her friends and support systems, banned from ever living there again. this is what he does to women Dee: he sets you up big time, stitched right in and up.

You may not have the truth about what happened in the past and the gap is doing your head in re how could he do this with someone he has known for 30 days? I agree that it doesn't sound probable - but OTOH whatever he says and does is alarming, he could well have built this entire charade on 30 days imo. She's either a desperatey vulnerable person to have been taken in by it all, to the point of forfeiting her entire life for him; or she is Bonnie to his Clyde. Who know who cares, they are both mad.

Dee, I am someone who has been lurking on your previous thread and now this new thread for a long time. I keep checking in on this thread hoping that you are managing well and wishing that your ex would at some point realise his folly.

Normally I have nothing to add because the ladies here give such brilliant advice. However, can I say this - you really need to MOVE AWAY from your ex physically, mentally and in every way possible. I feel that you interact with him way too much and this is really affecting your ability to get over him. You are more vulnerable than you think you are and your ex still has a lot of control over your life.

Do you realise that maybe you don't need to interact with him so much, that maybe you are not ready to be that unaffected cool ex partner who doesn't give a hoot about his new life? You did invest your whole being into your relationship and it is only natural that you are finding it difficult to get over him.

If I were you, I would now move away so that I stop seeing so much of ex. Or at reduce the interaction with the ex to a minimum. Sometimes, out of sight is out of mind.

Hi Dee, I too am a lurker on your old thread and this one and have been silently cheering you on.

I can't believe that you have been through so much and are still standing. You should be so proud of yourself.

One day you DS will put all of this together and see how strong you were for him.

Just to say you will heal at your own pace ,we all do,I have my counsellors number handy "just incase "not been for nearly a yr but great support if i need it .I also have a WA worker who I call if ever I need to run something by because I value her opinion.I still have bad days but I dont fight them anymore ,I feel the pain or the numbness acknowledge the emotion and then let it go .On those days I treat myself well,no stress ,easy life .I could still get drawn into exs life ,I choose not to .It is not good for my mental health .Independence is my strength.He will always try and push my buttons ,try and hurt me because he is so unhappy himself .Healthiest thing for me is to concentrate on me and my kids .
This too shall pass Dee ,and you will bounce back even stronger xxxx

Feeling a bit better now....(dont think I could have felt any worse though this morning tbh). Huge thanks as always for all of the support and excellent advice.

Yes, think recent levels of contact that I mentioned before have contributed to make this news really knock me for six. Funnily enough SearchSquad, I feel that I had really turned a huge corner up until Nov and that awful call just before he went off to go and get married. I didnt think much of it at the time, but really, I let my guard down a lot as he basically spewed his emotional tripe at me (fair enough though, I was a 'willing' listener), then put the phone down and went off to get married (and he could well have known that wife was preggers at the time when he said to me how he wished he had known that I loved him at the time, how he would never have looked at another woman - it is at times like this, that I can now look at the new wife and feel utter pity for her. Yes, he has effectively banned her from ever moving (with him that is) to US or elsewhere, pretty much as he refused point blank to move away from here when I was with him - for 11 years, he refused to budge and would not even entertain the idea and I stayed here, like a mug. Ex is - excuse my language - fucked up and confused. A man who wanted his freedom and then hitches his wagon to the first person he meets). But, yes, need to batten down the hatches and minimise all contact until I can/do move away.....I will formalise contact agreements and send him dates for the year and we can disuss - briefly - via email. I dont want to see him. I will also ask him to use a book at handover (got it as advised on here ages ago). Ditto for a diary to record any (minimal) changes in dates.

Smellslike - thank-you. I dont feel strong at all. Esp after giving ex a good old blub-fest on my doorstep this morning. He must have loved that.....arse!

Well - again, huge thanks. I am mightly pissed off at myself for feeling so hurt at what I knew was the inevitable. I think that all the old emotions just got well and truly stirred up. And I know I have come on a lot from Jan last year, but there is that temptation to think 'how come he can treat some one so badly, act like a pig, get away with it and thunder off into the sunset of happy endings'....am feeling exhausted now though.

Springy - think your description is accurate and hadn't thought about it like this. Yes, I should remember that ex is crafting something magical from his drivel of nonsense. He was the same with me, and yet, I was dumped like a hot brick when a newer, more accommodating model came along. Someone who was so madly in love with a stranger that she was calling him a fantastic person and lamenting how she was so lucky to have found him (after 7 nights together - and honestly, ex is not that good - at anything) and looking forward to their many fantastic years ahead.

Dolly - cant get back onto private email at the moment.....typical of my day!

Met a good friend for lunch who gave me some tough love talking to (needed it, as think I was at risk of going loopy in rl and revealing too much of myself to people here (not friends, just work colleagues - who know nothing of what has happened, so I would have seemed a bit loopy shouting ex's news out - and I was so madly wanting to shout this out this morning, from the sheer percieved injustice of it all.......).

Cant believe that this time yesterday, my biggest concern was whether I should go on a speed dating night. And actually, I do need to make sure that this is my concern i.e. not fussing about them and actually getting on with my own life.

BTW, my spooky senses are telling me that he will soon announce that it is twins they are expecting (only suspect this as ex and I always used to joke about this as his mum is a twin and his sister ended up having twins!)

Get your RADA training brushed up Dee. You've got to hide how hurt your are from him. I wouldn't make a sudden, pointed move; just act distracted, busy, casual. Preferably no direct contact unless your leg is hanging off (you get my drift).

could personally vomit at the 'he would never have gone off with anybody if he'd known you loved him' RAAAAHHHHH

Dee, I?m pleased to hear that you are feeling stronger this evening. It?s a tough day and these things will come at you out of the blue. I cannot emphasis enough that you need to be as far away from him emotionally as you can be, otherwise he is going to continue to torment you with every twist and turn in his life. The contempt with which he treats you is a disgrace. Arriving on your doorstep and dumping his latest news into your lap. If he gets a kick from telling you, then shame on him. If he is too stupid to realise he is hurting you, then you should think yourself lucky that he is out of your life.

That crap about ?if he?d known you loved him? is just another throwaway comment to make himself feel better about his cheating. You know its not true ? you?d only recently had his son. Your love for him was staring him in the face, the twat .

Make it your priority to get the communications books in place and diary for the year. Keep reminding yourself that his views on co-parenting are not the same as yours. Develop a hard veneer as Springy is saying and keep your own feelings for those who care about you. The ?leg hanging off? is exactly right. Think about how you are going to communicate via the books. IE don?t make it a chore for yourself as I would take a guess that he won?t comply and you?ll be upset by him not engaging. Short bullet points is all he needs. The thing is that you don?t want it to become another way for him to hurt you. Someone else may have better advice on that.

I can feel the sadness from your posts earlier and thinking about it, its as though he has taken your life from you and has re-created your relationship with OW in front of your eyes. Remaining so involved with him is making you re-live so many moments in your life and if you are not careful, it will eat you up. Your ex is an extremely selfish person and doesn?t care who he destroys to get what he wants. Remember that his emotional education has come from US self-help books and seminars so trying to understand him as an empathetic human being is a non starter. He?s embraced the ?me? culture.

Try to think about where you are today and where you would like to be in a week?s time, then plot your way towards it. You don?t need to do any research, you know how he behaves towards you, so it?s a real chance to distance yourself. It might just be one or two things that you change, very subtely. How about starting a new, fresh thread with an upbeat title?

Just remember splitting up,ex getting married and gf pg,thats hurt/pain like most people can t ever imagine,but you have dealt with it and have a great future ahead

Dee must have been an awful shock, although you did know this would happen, just I know that one day in the not too distant future I will hear the same and I must say my heart sunk when I read your update today.

You really must do as some of the posters above say, you have to stop engaging with him, that is the only way you will totally get over this break up.

I would say I am 80% there but your news today would definitely knock me back a bit in my healing. Thinking about you Dee, take care.

Wow Dee Massive hugs!

I think I say it every time. What a wanker!!!

Well there isn't much more this man can do to kick you. It's not a huge surprise is it.

Yes they have a nice big house and she is PG. She has him though. She is now going to get 'fat' in his eyes and then have a baby. Sex is going to be off the cards for a while. She may full well get post natal depression, far away from family and friends, leaving work for however short a period and being stuck in a house with him. If he is as hands on as he was with your DS she is pretty trapped and going to be very lonely. He is also behind her back still whimpering to you as a completely pathetic worm that he has made a mistake etc. He did this knowing she was pregnant and they were getting married. That is her prize!! He is just going to get older, greyer and balder.

How long before he leaves her for something better or she sees the light and leaves him?

Fingers crossed you can in the future still have more children with a much better person.

Just be the best damn mum you can be to your DS. With one good parent who shows how much he is loved he will be fine

You have had such a lucky escape.

Are you mourning him or the loss of a chance at a child? There is a huge difference...

You can always lie to him if ever confronted and say that to protect yourself.

Yes, I do need to put my best game face on now and deflect ex's news and act as I dont give a toss.....will certainly try. I wont have to see him now until Sat morning when he picks up DS for overnight visit (with a phonecall on Fri).

In attempts to heal myself, have been thinking about how to limit interaction at least as first steps. So, will definitely enforce diary and book and take on advice about asking for bare minimum. If he doesn't complete as he is supposed to, then he can lump it and I will carry on as normal (i.e. do as I please - about time I think). As mentioned, contact had been heightened over last few weeks with xmas and school business. Looking back, ex also drew me 'in' to his life by constantly changing up access in the last few weeks, which has meant requests via email/text/calls/f2f to change a call here, change a night there. When doing this has told me that he wants to change say evening call to DS at 7pm to earlier as he is in the cinema! Cue me flying into a huff as (1) he cant be bothered to honour the calls that he was insistent about and it looks like DS is worked around his schedule and (2) I dont really want to know that they are off at the cinema/having a meal on a Sat night, whilst I am at home on my tod.....so all that is going to be knocked on the head. I will outline weekend visits for rest of the year and ask him when he would like to take DS on holiday/for a longer visit, to get that out of the way as well as know I cant stop that (he wasn't bothered last year - asked once soon after new gf got here and I said no, would prefer that DS didn't go on holiday with a complete stranger!).

Xales - yes, have to keep chanting that to myself...I HAVE HAD A LUCKY ESCAPE. As good friend at lunch said, imagine if he had left me pregnant (which he could easily have done I think). Yes, I was silently waiting for this day really (may have mentioned it a few times on here)...I remember WWIFN mentioned something about romantic affairs and the whole hero/save me complex and how these particular affairs start with the whole soulmate stuff and progresses with yet more and more grand, dramatic gestures and sacrifices. Honestly, it was like reading how ex was behaving to a tee....very, very bizarre. Hmmm, good question. I would never want another child with him, or want to be with him (we have at least that in common).....honestly, it is about mourning the loss of not having another child (maybe) and the complete rejection I thought of that life, which in fact, was actually, just a big fat rejection of me.....

Romney - so glad to hear that you are on a better path. Thanks, and rest assured, I will take heed and keep my distance from him now.

McNaughty/Springy - yes, will start to focus on me now and the distance I need to create from this very moment on. Yes, I feel totally like he is basically replaced me with a more acceptable model and that's that. I think that he knows that this news has hurt me - as he told me, and as I was crying in front of him (the shame of it now), he asked me to stop crying. And that is exactly what I need to do.....

I may need to emotionally dump on here later tonight, as do feel like some things are eating away (please feel free to remind me that I have had a lucky escape and to pull my boot straps up and move on).....thanks for all of the advice and support.

I HAVE HAD A LUCKY ESCAPE.......I HAVE HAD A LUCKY ESCAPE.......

Patience - thanks, I think you have done a sterling job in detaching from your ex. I am determined to meet you on that 'other' side!

Ah Dee, my heart goes out to you. My heart sunk when I read your post. I PM'd you some time ago. If you recall our stories are quite similar only my ex also abandoned his dd.

You are remarkable when you you think all you have been through over the last year, you are stronger than you think and you will also get over this knock.

Once a cheater, always a cheater and I actually pity that poor woman...because it's only a matter of time and by then you will have well moved on in your wonderful new life.

This really seemed to sum up (at the time) my situation with ex......I had the page bookmarked, but think I will delete it now (maybe along with all of ex's emails, as advised, but need to read through them in case there is an 'paper trail' stuff in there that I need for the future wrt DS, so will just file everything away for now as dont want to wade through that stuff now).

Romantic Infidelity

Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate?someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own?is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.

People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born?any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.

Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads?at least for a while.