Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair and left us - WE ARE MOVING ON!)

[Dee34]

Hopefully, I have done this correctly?!

Old thread here Thread1

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
I
Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

Dolly! How entertaining are you

I am completely jealous that you are sunburnt (iyswim) ie that you have the opportunity to be - sudocrem, miracle stuff. Loved the story about the russian and the perfume - how sweet of him. Have you changed your perfume?

Ex did all that shit about my car too - or the car we shared for a while (his instigation). He also didn't seem to compute that he had been instrumental in my drastically reduced finances. my pc is on stupidly go-slow or I'd tell some of my stories too. You gotta laugh, they are so pathetic (ex's that is).

blissfully pretending I am somewhere sunny... . Love to all.

Springy. You have hit the nail on the head exactly re not computing about drastically reduced circumstances. My ex seems to believe that it now longer has anything to do with him because its now been 16 months plus since he left.

Actually I was nearly driven to violence (metaphorically speaking) the other day as we had an actual conversation about the sale of the house in relation to decisions we have to make. I said that surely he can see that we have to preserve as much capital (against backdrop that will lose a shed load of actual original deposit due to market) in order to make sure our son and his lifestyle is not further reduced and he actually said 'the sale of the house has nothing to do with DS and that he could not believe I was still "hung up on ancient history"......oh yes. the ancient history in which he brings me to Oz, wants and supports me to be stay at home mom, leaves during IVF, turns into a monster, decimates our (read mine) savings by renting a penthouse on the beach to entertain his girlfriend, does not allow me to return home and generally throws a bomb into our lives and changes our son's forever. Oh that old thing. How silly of me to still be 'harking on about it'.....I mean seriously.....and I didn't even say all that - just that if he forces sale of house at stupid price DS will miss out.....but yes, it has nothing to do with our son apparently. go figure....apparently there is a shelf life on being abandoned and after 6 months you are right as rain....

To other matters. Perfume was cheapest I could find in Midlands shopping mall (discount Banana Republic stuff) so he may have had a point........

kisses from aloe vera butt Dolly x

Bless you Dolly for brightening my day x

ah yes I used to be so fussy about the ol red lipstick - had to be the best. Now i get any old any red lipstick from any old anywhere - £2.99? fine. also £2.99 mascara (does the same job as the e

argh, what happened there??

...does the same job as the expensive stuff I find). I bought some perfume from H&M for £2 which I thought was well fab. My students started up a completely obvious discussion about perfume and how some people's perfume made them feel ill

Do have a look at this thread ladies. Some stunningly good advice on it re a woman whose man has cheated on her (after 15 years together).

It's very long (I've only got to page 6 so far..) but a poster called vander somebody is posting up a storm - really, stunning advice and perspective.

Love to all. HOpe you're all well XX

Thanks for the link Springy - I will certainly have a read.

Apologies again for not posting for ages. I have been lurking and thinking of you all but just feeling so overwhelmed with everything. I am in a funk. It feels endless. Divorce/splitting up the assets going nowhere - ex wants me to go over there room by room to divide it all up which is fine for him as he has no emotional involvement left so it's just a hard nosed business meeting for him. Not so for me. I've asked him to put down in writing what he wants but he won't (other than very vague terms like 'all the pc/media stuff').

He also wants to have the children in his country for all of the school holidays (ie 14 weeks a year). He will take five weeks off from work (his holiday entitlement) and says his mum or dad (they are divorced too) will look after them in the day for the other nine weeks. His mum isn't even retired yet. I'm not comfortable with it. We are supposed to be going to mediation soon about it (in england). I really don't want to sit round a table with him whilst he does his charm offensive with the mediator and plays the ever-so-nice-and-reasonable card when I know what a total shit he's been to me. I just feel so worn down by it all. Feeling sick all the time worrying about the finances and shake like a leaf everytime I get an email from him or my solicitor, or even when the bloody phone rings. Constantly expecting bad news.

Sounds like your ex really knew he'd overstepped the mark dolly - good! I know exactly what you mean when you talk about your ex. The audacity is breathtaking and you end up questioning whether you've woken up on a different planet where all the rules and morals are different. I don't understand how someone can a) do what he's done and b) do it in the way he's done it. It's a head crunch going from woman no.1 in someone's life to persona non grata. God, not even persona non grata actaully - just completely non-existent, or not worthy of existence anyway.

Dee - I hope things have been uneventful for you.

Thinking of you all, lovely ladies.
xxxxx

No, he can't have the children for downtime. If he did, that would be you doing all the drudge and him getting the benefit.

Also, fuck him re you going over there to split the assets. Just FUCK HIM.

wellthats, I'm so sorry you've been having a very shit time. Sending you lots of love sweetie. trying not to be sloppy but would like to send you a bucketload Are you on meds? I think it would help you get through this hell ((hug))

Hello Ladies

Firstly Springy, thank for posting link - great advice on there as you say and so helpful to the poster its humbling.

WELL. Sorry you are in a funk. Trite as it sounds, of course you are. Unravelling a shared life is just the worst and as you say, head fucks a plenty. In terms of access, I imagine that you would like some of the 'fun' time too. Frankly, he left you, he has decided to stay in his country. He has to roll with the punches. I'm not suggeting he doesn't see them but that is is say half of the school holidays (unless of course you would prefer him to have them for all). As Springy says, you don't want to have all of the hard yards and then he turns into disney dad fishing and bbq'ing in holidays in some archipelago. Also in term of splitting house contents, you are the full time parent (more or less), you need more. Take advice darling. I fully expected to chose one item each from each room but a. i'd bought it all and b. when it got to our VERY PAINFUL AND AWFUL roundtable we got to the end and he had been such a c**t my lawyer said give him nothing. I relented and he gets expensive painting and sideboard and mirror but that is it. Felt like a bitch for about a minute but then you know what I was OK with it.....my only advice outside taking advice from professionals is that IT IS THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND YOUR KIDS LIFES. He will be able to continue/get high paying job, you will be very much restricted by wanting to be there for your children and getting a job that fits in with it. He can buy more stuff.

We are OK - mainly financial rather than emotional stress due to non-house sale (arrghghgfhghgh)....but done a bit of freelance work for sister out law and will prob do some more. Reality is he pays well and I am less emotionally incontinent now so am able to separate church and state. And frankly her work is best bet right now as flexible to fit in with childcare....ex being pretty ok and by that I mean not mental. child support nearly 3 weeks late. I guess its expensive wining and dining OW. He is more and more being put in his box by me. As you way, how can they turn into the people they now are. Good luck to them. I'm not religious or new agey but I do feel they will get their just deserts.

Kisses from Dolly xxx

Hi everyone - been buried in some personal work, trying to work on me and move forward a bit, so have been MIA from the forums for a bit.....thanks for the link Springy - will check it out and maybe add a post. It is so hard when you are in the throes of the early days and time seems frozen and yet eternal. I never thought I would see the day when I would go days without thinking about ex or (dare I say it, though many have done on my behalf - all right) think of what a lucky escape I had. Back then, I would have moved heaven and earth to have swapped places with then OW and be back to the old us, but time and distance have given me a huge reality check....

Well - I agree with Dolly and Springy on both counts (holidays and shared goods). Definitely get this agreed sooner rather than later - I wish I had got my access sorted out well in advance of OW/new wife moving over....but what's done is done. Ditto, the shared assets - again, take what you need for you and your children, you will have them the bulk of the time with the distance, so you need enough stuff for them to live comfortably. Again, wish I had done the same, but as we weren't married, my ex played the 'I paid for this, therefore I am taking it - even taking 2 pieces of the 3 piece suite and leaving me and DS with a three seater sofa as that was 'fair and very generous of him' and I should go out and buy my own if I wanted more seating - this was in Jan 2010, when I had no job and was living off my savings. And the knob took the stainless steel fridge freezer we had in the garage that I paid for as it was 'just sitting there Dee34' as we had a huge US style one in the kitchen (oh the irony!). He also took brand new unopened Denby stuff as he didn't want to take loose crockery in his car in case they got broken! I was such a mug back then, well, not a mug, but more dazed and confused, that I didn't really put up much of a fight until it came to dividing up the rest of the assets when the house finally sold in autumn.....sorry to waffle on about my experiences, but short story is, get what you can that you need for you and your DC.

Dolly - well done on the work and continuing to troop through with everyday life, ex and well, everything!

I thought I was doing well, until today when ex has waded in with his demands yet again.....now, despite agreeing to the contact we agreed on back in Jan (end of), he now thinks that not seeing DS for several nights in a row (some of which span my weekend with DS) is too long (we have been doing the new agreed access for 3 weeks only. And he was happy at the time, even being nice for a bit!). I cant help but feel that he is asking for an extra night with DS now as he is now travelling less (up until Xmas, he was always flitting off or asking me to change nights as he was away on business, pleasure or wherever) and maybe the reality of our situation is hitting home (esp after the 'luxury' of having a split weekend were we both saw DS every weekend - it's now every other weekend and several nights in the week and is actually more than what he could do - on paper - last year). The only solution it seems would be to swap my regular night a week to a less sociable Monday (and being selfish for a moment, I have planned activities/classes for my usual mid-week night and friends know that the other night is my night off. I don't think I'll ever go out on a Monday night as most people are not just up for it, esp those of my age and with similar commitments of children and work, though guess I could try it out....but again, its me compromising for ex).

Now, it seems he is not going anywhere much these days (and yep, can guess why!). He is trying to make me feel guilty by saying that he thinks that DS thinks it is too long too (no evidence of this - DS is happy to go to his dads house and seems happy when he comes back, only 'blip' is that he sometimes spends a few hours calling me daddy on his return, which is no bother) and is now relating incidents where DS is being unreasonable, ergo, it is my fault as I have imposed too long a gap between visits....things like DS throwing a tantrum because he doesn't want to go in the bath (right.....) and DS demanding to wear a specific shirt with trains on it (again, right....) and yet this is the man who sent DS back home to me as he couldn't cope with his crying at silly o'clock a few weeks ago......?

I don't think he has a clue about the realities of parenting and seems to think he should be living in a Disney-hued world where DS never reacts badly to anything and if he does, hey it is my fault....also partly worried that when new baby comes along he will suddenly start having less time for DS or start ramping up his business travel all over again (though this is not my concern and is not driving the access agreement).

Up until yesterday evening, I felt confident that he could not affect me and sincerely hope this is a tiny blip, but I feel out of sorts as I did respond to his emails this evening (I know, bad Dee!), but he was expertly goading me about access and also about some other issue on how he was missing out on taking DS away because I refused to give up my BH monday with DS so he could have DS that day instead (he wasn't prepared to swap BH friday and monday, just that I should give up a free day off nursery and work with DS so he could go away with friends - and my saying no was just not on, yet, DS has missed a few playdates and birthdays via me as he has been with ex. And ex has the next few BH mondays off with DS and did not suggest swapping any of these, because he wont give them up! Arrghh!).

Anyway, vent and rant over! And to think, this time last year, I had two job offers, one here and one in London and muggins here decided to stay local so DS could still see his dad (and we would have had a better standard of living compared to London based on the salary). Not saying ex should be eternally grateful, but jeez, he just seems to want it all, all and then some more....And his ramblings are once again on the back of him having had his weekend with DS...it's as if reality hits each time and he just doesn't get it, doesn't get that this separation means a lot more in practice than just enabling him to be with the love of his life - that the sacrifice is a huge one that we all have to get used to (and at least he had a good few months to mull it over, plan and decide that this was for the best and set his emotions along those lines). When he has DS for first weekend, I left them to it, no contact etc. My weekend - he sent me three emails asking how DS was! I didn't answer. I don't think he will ever get the idea of boundaries despite me spelling it out a hundred times....

DS seems fine to me (first interaction after the 'damaging' five nights gap was on back of DS being ill for several days and second interaction just gone is when ex reports that DS had a a tantrum as he didn't want a bath....I cant even count the battles I have had getting DS to have a bath over time as well as all sorts of other things and yet, if I threw it in ex's face that I was having problems with DS because of the situation he (ex) caused, he would be quick to tell me 'that' happened over a year ago, move on and it is not relevant and how DS is such a happy and adaptable little guy - just cant win!). Maybe I should remind ex of those periods last year when he was away for 12 nights and then 2 x 7 nights to go and see new wife in US when he told me to mind my own business, he could do what he wanted and DS would not miss him that much and he would be fine?? I wont even waste my breath/an email..... Anyway, I am probably rambling now and have (had) put the past to bed (almost).

Will don my hard hat again and repeat 'I will ignore and breathe, I will ignore and breathe......' . i just feel that after weeks of batting him away, he was able to give me that dreaded knot in my tummy again, for which I feel awful, esp as I hadn't seen him for 2 weeks....though writing out above has helped ease it a bit.

Sorry for super long post - bit of a brain dump....

love to all, x

Do dump, it much better out than in, and much better here than to your ex. Just don't do changes, three weeks is such a short time, you need a good couple of months at least for any routine to bed down (try that one on him). I hope you and your little man are having fun.

Don't worry about the knot - it fades, quite quickly. What has happened to you is heinous and it's still relatively fresh in the scheme of things. So don't beat yourself up if he gets to you, of course he will; it'll be a while before he no longer affects you. Over time the 'knot' will get less and less, the recovery shorter and shorter. One day you realise they don't affect you at all, nothing registers on the radar when they do their shit. It's a long time coming but it does come.

Agree about not doing the changes. He's not very busy, twiddling his thumbs, so he thinks 'hmm, I'm bored, I think I'll wind up Dee, that'll jizz things up a bit'. He's probably got the time to do an inventory and realises he doesn't have everything exactly how he wants it with everyone every minute of every day. It's a hard life for some eh.

Plus he'll be finding out that life with mrs strumpet isn't all he cracked it up to be.

Thanks for your support guys. I know you are right - what he is suggesting is unequitable and impractical on many levels. I don't know why he's asking for that much to be honest as it's clear the children aren't his priority (or he would have been over to see them far more often than he has). My instinct is that the time they are over there they will be dragged round to fit in with his needs (rather than the other way round) and be largely ignored and a backdrop to him as the main feature.

I'm most bothered about christmas. As you said, he made the decision to break up the family unit, and he made the decision not to move to the uk (and my move here should not have come as a surprise to him - we were supposed to come as a family and he assured me that we would do so countless times in our marriage.) In doing so he has taken the unilateral decision to make me a part time parent to my children and I don't see why I should have to miss out on any christmases with my children.

That said, haven't heard back from the mediators for a date or anything and I'm not going to push at the moment - he can do the bloody chasing around for a change (and he won't because he's utterly disorganised). I suspect that, given most people go to mediation as a means of AVOIDING a hague trial, and we've already HAD a hague trial, we are not at the top of the mediators' priority list. Ex promised in court to go to mediation before our hague trial and then changed his mind when push came to shove.

Re splitting the assets - I do NOT want to go over there to do this with him. If he won't make a list of items I'm inclined to say, okay here's my list: Everything. If there are any specific exceptions you think you would like to make to that then please detail them. Got to be more than one way to skin a cat. I figure that whatever I don't actually need/want I will sell in his country and get everything else shipped over here (at his cost natch, considering it was for him that I moved all my stuff over there in the first place). I have told him he's not to touch a stick in that house - not to take anything out, sell or loan anything. Every now and then he'll phone up and say "Can I give such and such way to X?" because he LOVES doing favours for other people (the irony of having totally shit on his wife and kids apparently being lost on him), to which I say "No. If you don't want it I will have it or sell it and use the proceeds for the children.", and then he gets cross with me and hangs up.

God I feel like such an idiot. I trusted him with everything. Put ALL of my eggs in one basket. I have no career left, no income, pension was reliant on him (which I assume he's cancelled). I can't think about it too much or I get The Panic. It really feels like Ground Zero.

He seems to delight in rubbing my nose in it - eg, calling to speak to the children from a bar, or party. I am stuck at (my parent's) home obviously not being able to go out because I cannot justify it at all when I have no income and living off savings and because I have to look after the children too. He is vile to me on the phone - no shouting name calling or anything like that (because he 'doesnt' get angry', but just very snotty. He is a bully, no two ways about it. Sounding dramatic now but I do feel utterly violated by the way he has treated/is treating me. I feel like I am being tortured - perhaps he is trying to push me over the edge so he can get the children. But it will be a cold day in hell before that happens, no two ways about THAT either.

Glad your ex has been 'ok' recently Dolly - and I laughed at "and when I say ok, I mean of course 'not mental'". I'll look forward to the day when my ex has non-mental days. One day, when all this hell is over, we MUST have a meet up in Oz! The sun on our backs and margaritas in hand....

Dee, am glad to read that you seem in a much better place and am very impressed that you go for days at a time without thinking about your ex. I long for that day. Please don't make any more compromises for your ex. If he starts trying to play the guilt card and the "But this is what DS would like/what is best for DS" just tell him that what DS would probably like is for the three of you to live together as a family, but you're guessing that that's probably not an option for him is it? He is going to have to accept that the situation he has foisted on everyone else means that things are going to be less than perfect. Dee, you need some social time/inner peace too. You can't sacrifice everything, no one can.

You don't need to get into the nitty gritty of why/why not the access arrangements should/shouldn't be changed (you don't need to know that he had a problem with ds wanting to wear certain changes). If it's working for you and DS then that's enough. If your ex doesn't like it he can tell his sob story to a judge and see how far he gets with it.

I don't wonder that you are feeling a bit out of sorts again. He is a damaged person, and everytime you are exposed to him you absorb a bit of that damage too. I hope you have managed to get back to your very limited contact routine again. It is going to be hard work because you will have to be the one to enforce it all the time - he needs to offload his damage onto someone else and you're very handy - don't let him do it.

Kisses to all xxxxx

WELL. Your post gave me goose bumps. I could have written exactly the same word for word last year (and at low times still now). But I want to let you know that whilst 'better' is a relative term it DOES get better.

But you are right. We literally bet our lives on our husbands/partners. In our cases we left our home countries and families and invested everything. And it is painful and awful when it goes awry. But it is not your fault. Trusting you partner and 'putting your eggs in one basket' isn't an error - it is what you do when you believe you have found the rest of your life and begin a family.

In term of being tortured. I felt/sometimes feel exactly the same thing. But you know what I have realised which may or may not be the case for you? I have spent (sometimes still do) so much energy on analysing and hating and thinking about my ex - but I now realise he isn't doing the same about me. He has just switched some invisible switch and is who he is and if I continue to invest as much time in thinking of him it will be me who is destroyed. He could care less. So good on you for not letting him break you (I feel a bit like this now as ex has not sorted IVF paper work so I feel like being tortured by letters every month in relation to my much wanted embryos being destroyed not to mention bills / debt collectors letters re storage costs).

HUGE love darling and YES BRING ON THE OZZY LOST AND LONELY THREAD!!! Will endeavour to found hugely successful business to make fortune and bring you all over. However current reality is that ex hasn't paid child support for am month "Dolly, I had a big tax bill, i can't afford it, I will pay it, but don't look as to the reasons why, deal with the reality". WANKER.

Dee - kisses sweets - and good on you for standing firm.

Springy, love as ever and to all you other lovely ladies xxx

Ladeez
Do what u like and like what u do!
FUCK 'EM!
Well, if he is an arse on the phone just do emails.U dont EVER have to speak to him on the phone ever again!

PM me if u need any support on how to deal with bullying deluded EXs im a fecking expert!!!

Good to see you patience, I was wondering where you'd got to

I think it's time for a group hug

SUEEZE

SQUEEZE

Ooh typo due to too many (sadly only) imagined martinis

"COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY"

works on lots of levels that one :) x

double martini eh

Patience - LOVE the quote. Springy - bottoms up ....dances on table of luxury resort singing 'I will survive'.

or even hic. DAMN those martinis

I've been trying to find the link - particularly for you, Dolly - but I've been unsuccessful re an article in the Sunday Times Style section today called 'What it feels like ... suddenly to find yourself living on the breadline: one week, happy families. The next, a single mum on food vouchers - Sarah Sanderson on how she coped'. Shocking story of author living in the lap of luxury with small child and vile boyf, next chucked out on her ear with not a penny to her name. It may be gory to read it (if you can find it!) but encouraging to know you're not alone? Very good article.

Hope all you gorgeous women are ok - I think of you often MWAH