Feeling lost and lonely (ex had an affair and left us - WE ARE MOVING ON!)

[Dee34]

Hopefully, I have done this correctly?!

Old thread here Thread1

Hi All,

This is my first post on these boards, though I have posted my story elsewhere......I just cant seem to stop thinking and mulling over things and searching for answers

Bit of a long story, but to start from the beginning, on Tuesday 28th Dec my ex announced that he was not in love with me anymore (usual cliches about being best friends, love you but etc). This of course sent me into a tailspin as I had just endured an awful xmas at his parents in Scotland that he insisted we go to (dont get on with his folks as they have never helped us out with DS and ex always seemed to avoid confrontation and would never raise any issues directly with them which made for an increasingly tense atmosphere). For background, back in November when I knew I would not be able to hack another xmas there and so I suggested we stay here and have a little family xmas, he told me that I was playing with people emotions by changing my mind and that I could stay here at home if I wanted but he and DS (2.5 years old) were going to Scotland regardless!! I guess I should have sussed that something was a bit iffy but I just brushed it off at the time (by Nov, affair had been going on for a month and actually between Oct - start of affair - and the bombshell in Dec, there was a difference in ex's attitude which I only really pin-pointed in the last few weeks). Anyway, we had a terrible night on the 28th - lots of crying, very emotional etc. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I asked him to swear on DS life (childish I know, but said this in the heat of the moment) to which he replied no, he won't swear on his life as he doesn't do that sort of stuff but he held his hands up and promised he was telling the truth. I of course believed him as for me this was all out of the blue..On the Weds, I was quite teary and by lunchtime ex was saying that he was confused, needed some space etc. I said how about he stay in a hotel nearby and come round every day to see DS, take him out etc. I even phoned up several hotels for him to check rates and availability! This was during DS nap and by the time I had gone upstairs to get him, ex had done a spreadsheet and had decided he wanted to go to San Francisco instead. Some fluff about always liking San Fran from work trips (he has been there several times in the past year for genuine work reasons). Again, naïve fool that I was I agreed to him going. We drew up a list of issues that we would both think and work through (usual - lack of sex, though we were trying for baby number 2, arguing, his parents etc) and agreed not to tell any friends or family about what was happening until we knew what was happening ourselves so no one could 'influence' us. So ex went to San Fran and DS and I stayed here (everyone assumed he was here with us during whole period). Anyway, as soon as he was in San Fran his tone and attititude completely changed and he became very distant (he was relaxing and not looking at the issues or given them any thought etc). I finally 'broke' on NYE and asked him what was going on etc and that's when he said he had met someone but that nothing had happened between them, which was actually a lie.

To cut a long story short, he came back on Weds 5th Jan, determined not to work things out. Over the weeks I have learnt that other woman lives and works in San Fran, they met on a work trip in mid Oct last year (in a bar - only kissed - met on the second to last day before he headed back to the UK), had DAILY contact from the time ex returned home, started sleeping together during his next work trip out there in early Dec (a 5 night work trip) and that he was with her all along when he abandoned us over NYE to go to San Fran - he was having a lovely holiday, planning his life with her, whilst I was here like a muppet, trying to get an appointment with a sex therapist (as I obviously had 'issues'!). She is 30 (7 years younger than us) and had moved to San Fran from Nashville in June last year, so seems to me like there were a couple of lonely fools that met over some cocktails? Ex keeps banging on about how she is leaving her life over there (not quite sure what she is giving up bar a job and accommodation compared to what he is gambling with) to be with him, how he loves her so much, never felt like this before about anyone including me - starting to make me a bit sick if I'm honest. If you added up all the days they had actually been together from mid Oct to just before that post xmas trip, it amounts to around 6-7 days actually physically together and they weren't even together 24/7 as he was actually working on these two work trips (have confirmed with a colleague). So it was just hooking up at night and having lots of fresh and exciting nookie? Rest has been built around a deep emotional attachement from their daily calls/text/emails/webcams etc (probaby worse than having random one night stands I think). I think that even now tally of days is around 16 or so when you add on the NYE trip. But that is enough for her to give up her life and job and move here to be with him and he reckons she will be here in 3 months time (until then they will be racking up airmiles). I just dont understand it at all......I guess they are soulmates or star-crossed lovers that were destined to meet?! Everyone keeps telling me that he will one day wake up and see what he has done or that they will break up as soon as she gets here, but the flipside is that they may be together for a long while and that is something that I am now trying to reconcile with - esp as she will effectively be playing stepmum to DS even though ex doesn't really know anything about her bar what she has told him and shown him during their limited time together (of course there is the very real possibility that he is even lying about dates and that this all started way before Oct. I don't know and to be honest, don't care now as all it would prove is that he is more selfish and a bigger cheat and liar than first thought)....

Throughout all of this, ex has been going on about he need to be happy and how he has acted out of self preservation. And he has variously been unhappy for the last few months, 6 months, 9 months, 15 months, 18 months depending on what mood you catch him in when you speak to him.....unhappy for so long that I didn't notice it and yet only gets the balls to leave once he meets someone else? I can accept that we didn't have a 100% perfect relationship, but we had been together for 11 years and of course share DS so am shocked and hurt that it ended in this way. For his part, ex varies between assuming no guilt and saying that the affair was symptomatic of our relationship to wanting to do 2010 over again and make different choices and regretting going to the US over NYE and for making us go to Scotland over Xmas (apparently, as I made the atmosphere so tense for everyone, this was the last push towards making him decide to leave us.....though he hasn't commented on how his dad did his usual show of drinking 2 bottles of wine on xmas eve and not bothering to get up until gone midday so we were all sat around waiting for him as usual...).

Anyway, since then things have lurched along. He has said some horrid things to me and treated me like a fool at the best of times. I think he is so deeply entrenched in his feelings for the other woman that he has forgotten I am DS mum (again, keep asking myself, how and why can he feel so deeply for someone he has spent barely any time with?). For me, the hardest part now is facing up to the reality that I will no longer see my son every day as we move towards shared access and custody. Also hard is the fact that this other woman will be interacting with DS as and when he is staying with them. I do secretly hope that they both go back to the US (surely to happen if and when they have kids and don't think she will wait around for long as she does seem besotted with ex for some bizzare reason - her FB profile is a pic of them in you guessed it an aiprort!...) and ex only comes back here on his tod to see DS for holidays (selfish I know, but I can indulge a fantasy I guess).

Is he deluded or am I???? He has been focused on work a lot and seems to have lost a lot of his friends and social life - which I had noticed and tried to encourage him to get back up again. I am just heartbroken that he could do this to us - esp the cold and calculating way he abandoned us to go to San Fran to be with her over NYE and the fact that in the last 7 weeks our house has now gone on the market (cant afford it myself) and I am now out looking for any old job to support myself (oh, forgot to say, that I had taken voluntary redundancy from a very well paid job last March with his encouragement! When I called him up on this he said, 'oh well, but you didn't like that job anyway!!!')......
I
Inbetween all the crying and anger, I do feel like I am going crazy........This is playing on my mind a lot now as he has just flown out today to go and see her in San Fran (6 night holiday, so will take their tally up to 21-22 days or so). It pains me that he will be taking her out for meals, whereas I had to practically nag him to death to book a babysitter for our anniversary in Dec ('nagged' him, as I usually arranged everything and was in need of some attention after his work trip - of course, I now know why he wasn't that bothered...). He will be having cosy conversations and intimate chats planning their future for when she moves here and talking about our son.

Does it get better? Does anyone have a crystal ball and can tell me they wont last....??!!

And how can I move on? I have tried the whole no contact thing - which worked for a while, but then I broke and sent him a long message about how he had ruined my life.... . I have read a ton of post affair books (including not just friends) but still struggle to make sense of it all some days. I know that he will definitely not come back as he has said this several times as he no longer loves me and the deep feelings he has for the OW. Trying to be positive but it is so, so hard some days........

Re getting contact legally agreed - think you are all right about timing here. And defo wont let him know that I am seeking this. Will have to think about how to couch this to him, even when picking the ideal time, though am guessing by then that he will either have stepped up to the plate and organised his work and social life around having DS on his set nights or he will just keep on doing what he has been doing for the last year......ultimately, it's about DS having stability and routine in the light of the mass of changes he has had to roll with (though he has done well).

Springy - thanks for the info on travel abroad. Funnily enough, I dont mind (she says through gritted teeth, smiling through the pain) ex say taking DS on holiday to France etc as know he (ex) would never want to take up residence there. Whereas, the US is a whole unknown on so many levels. Esp with ex now talking about visiting their friends and family (only mention this as one of his parting shots was that we always did things with my friends - which was partly true, but not for want of getting ex to organise things - I used to cajole him into organising a poker night round ours for his mates, but he was too bloody lazy to even do that!...seems to me like same sh*t, different faces - eventually.....and so wonder if he will flip one day and decide to make some other grand gesture to new wife, such as 'hey, lets just get lost in the US', esp as she is used to picking up and moving off). But shouldn't let my imagination get away with me, and wont obsess too much on this....will start to look at legalising the contact agreement and also what I can do about travel abroad.

I think if TG falls at the same time every year, then DS will always be in school (am sure they have thought about what will happen when their own child/ren come of school age), so that will be that. I dont think it's essential that DS be taken out of school to go to the US to celebrate an American holiday for his stepmums benefit. Different case if they did a weeknight/weekend celebration here in the UK (again, through gritted teeth!). Hadn't realised TG was such a big thing.....ohhh, just realised something about timing of ex and new wife's wedding/holiday! Detach and ignore!

Dolly - go for the Bali break! I would! I need to think of what to do when ex does take DS away on holiday for a week, but also need to juggle the whole school holidays/annual leave thing. I think I may go for broke and treat myself to some time away when they are away and then see if I can use parental leave for another time with DS

Just a quick post to thank you all for the messages of support. I am still here but didn't get any sleep last night. Just feeling very numb and tired so will respond properly a bit later.

Dee - I'd be cautious about a trip anywhere overseas - once he's out of the country he can use that as a launch pad to go to the US. i would always make sure you see a lawyer before he goes overseas anywhere for the first time and your bases are covered.

xxxxx

hello ladies - WELL, I joined you in the sleeplessness nights last night, after a return to crazyland in my world. I'm actually quite thrown by it as I now have real concerns again about ex H core stability.

To cut a long story short, we don't really interact v. much outside of email and once a fortnight when ex drops off son but we live up lots of stairs so I come half way down and son walks up.

I have been trying to be businesslike and non emotional in communications as stated. So yesterday when ex was meant to be picking up son I sent him text saying we are having swim trial for new swim school at XYZ (nearer to him than my house so no issue there) can you pick up DS there in carpark or if you want to look at school his assessment is 15 mins earlier. He said he would try and make it - so far so good.

Ex comes into assessment a little late - all OK - teachers talks to us about DS swimming - I introduce ex - all OK.

I ask ex to dress DS whilst I see which availability they have - we also had brief chat about DS not progressing that well at old swim school and is he ok with this one (background: ex was nearly commonwealth swimmer and its a big thing to him in terms of techniques and approaches - beyond wanting DS to swim and the school be nearish my home I have no real view) - yes he is - all OK.

We all go outside and I get car seat to transfer (his has broken and is being repaired). It starts to rain so we shelter and talk about he can do this day is this OK etc. I am being relatively businesslike chatty and talked again about I like this school, I don't think the other one was as good etc. He interupts very rudely and says in the horrible voice that I have heard so many times 'You've said that already, I'm not here to hear you repeat yourself like you always do, get on with it.' - it doesn't sounds so bad written down but it was really rude and nasty and given we had had 5-10 mins of 'normal-ish' interaction (so much so I was thinking, ok new year, maybe we can make this co-parenting work). Instead of reacting - remember DS was there - I said - I'm going to go now, I'll email you details, by DS have a nice time at Daddy's. Possibly a bit abrupt but I didn't want to get into anything and also irritated that he had been rude.

Anyway. Cue crazyness. ex suddenly went ballistic and starting saying very aggressively 'Finish what you were going to say, finish your sentance, finish your sentace' I said in a fairly bemused (genuine) way, ex I said I'll email you have a nice time I'm going home now....ex then stands in front of door of my car, folds arms and says, 'you are not going anywhere until you finish your sentance' I said ex you are being ridiculous, please remember DS is here I'm leaving now. Ex is yelling in my face (not shouting but loud agressive voice' - 'Finish it, Finish it, Finish it'. I say really quite calmly, don't do this in front of DS I'm leaving. He would not move from the driver door so I went in passenger door and shunted over...he opened door and put his body in it and said you are not leaving etc etc...all the time repeating 'Finish your sentence, Finish your sentence'....DS is now getting upset so I get of car, so come on DS i'll help you in your car seet. DS says stop being naughty to DH and me. I say oh daddy isn't fighting with mummy he is just being a sillypants, you are a sillypants some times, and I most certainly am a sillypants sometimes, remember I got very grumpy with you when you did xyz,- everyone gets cross but he isn't cross anymore thinking that DS saying this - I was crouching down talking to DS - would bring him to his senses. No. he carried on despite DS being upset. I did get in car and drove off - he ran after it gesturing that somethign was wrong . my iphone headphones (in pocket as going running) were sticking out of door - i opened door to get them in and he started up again. he as frothing at them mouth. I eventually said I was calling his parents to talk to him and not immediately, but did let me shut door and drive off.

I was really really shaken as although we have had a few dreadful rows they were all ages ago when things were raw and about 'important' things - money, OW, etc - not me not finishing a sentence. I think he realised he had crossed a line as 5 mins later he sent an email to me but copying in his father saying essentially - you are unreasonable, however I recognise that I should not have tried to 'compel' you to finish your sentence and walked away, here are examples (in this instance fictional) of you being unreasonable.

SO. I am now back to thinking that he either has mental health or anger management issues or is on drugs or something as I cannot believe he coudl get so angry so quickly about something so inconsequential. It has made me really uneasy - I hated leaving DS with him after being so angry but honestly didn't want to make a bad situation worse and was a bit shocked TBH.

Anyway, my long story short, seems to be a long story long so sorry! Am going to get ex to drop DS off at local cafe every other Sunday to meet me from now on as I dont' want him here. If he can't control himself in a car park of a swim school then I dont' want to feel like I did yesterday in my own home. Its is all a bit shit really - i dont' want to 'overeact' as I genuinely want no more drama in my life but its made me really worried for his general stability.

Awww, Dolly, didn't want you to go unanswered. I genuinely think that your Ex is behaving like that because he can quite clearly see he's losing control over you. You haven't risen to any bait he's thrown your way so he's upping the ante to get you back in his orbit.

You should feel very proud of yourself for having done that and for how you handled today's incident. For what it's worth, I think you should email back - CC in FIL - stating that no matter what fictious issue he has with you can he please restrain himself from behaving like that in front of DS again because his behaviour clearly upset DS.

Say you're not going to engage in a war of words, your priority is - and will always be - DS's welfare and his behaviour today was unacceptable in those terms.

The email won't change a thing, but it will get in writing to a third party that he behaved very badly. You may need this 'evidence' one day. Obviously don't then reply to any other emails as that's not detaching.

Big hugs to you, you've done so well.

Absolutely agree with enuffalready. Email him and cc FIL outlining the unacceptability of his behaviour (particularly in front of DS). I would tell him that you will not tolerate abuse and if it is repeated in the future then you will not be willing to have direct contact with him (I'm not far off saying this to my ex if his emails continue to be so aggressive). I'd also say that you don't intend to discuss this further and are now treating the matter at an end (because you don't want to get into a spat about it as that just means more engagement with the arse, not less). All email or face to face contact can be done through PIL or other suitable friends/relatives if necessary.

You don't need this Dolly. He is a knobjockey of the highest order. It's very tough because unfortunately we can't just cut them out completely because of the children, but we have to try and minimise exposure to them as much as possible. You don't deserve to be treated like that and your son doesn't need to grow up with your ex's current behaviour as a role model in how to treat other people/women/mother of his children. You need to protect yourself.

Sending you big cybernet and unmumsnetty hugs - please do something nice for yourself this evening xx

Dolly this is abuse.
You did so well ,he cant behave like this infront of ds and he has absolutely no right to talk to you like this.He flipped it.He has to take responsibility for that,i would have this logged with my sol if it happened to me,but dont know how it all works in oz.He wouldnt let u get in your own car,who the hell does he think he is.V frightening plus ds witnessed everything.He cannot talk to anyone else like this or they would call the police,just cos u have a child together doesnt mean he has any right to abuse you.How fucking dare he ,he has as much right not to let me in my car ie NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER.you are right to do handovers in public places,if he is anything like mine his life aint that great he is stressed out and fucked up his life,and somehow that means he thinks he has the right to talk to me like a piece of shit.Eh .....jog on sunshine ,your mess your stress im doing alright thanks so piss off and learn some manners.
Hope your ok Dolly ,these incidents with my ex used to really upset me,big hugs and get thee to Bali xxxxx

waves to well hope u can do something nice for yourself this weekend x

My good news is my divorce might be complete by the Spring.
Ex has managed to sink even deeper into the sewer i found out this week.But that is why we split..........incompatable.....
I am fucking amazing
He is an arse

Yes, you are fucking amazing!

Dolly - if you're going to email him I wouldn't put anything that could be inflammatory. Just be matter of fact - say it made you feel frightened and you regard it as abusive. I don't expect he will admit to responsibility for his behaviour which is why I think that you need to tell him that you don't intend to discuss it further. This is not about how he perceived the incident - it's about how YOU perceived it and how it made YOU feel. If you felt frightened, shaken, abused, then your feelings are valid and you don't need to give him any opportunity to imply that your feelings are not valid/important/valuable. I suspect that this has happened because, much to his annoyance, you continue to exist. Well that's just too bad for him - you deserve to exist, you are not going ANYWHERE (not least without your son), and you deserve to be treated like a human being. So he can go and fuck himself and the goat he came in on. (Don't put that last bit thought).

xxx

Awful. Yes this is abuse. I also would log this with your solicitor. I went to the Freedom Programme this week and happen to have the handout on the table as I'm typing: the title is 'The dominator is his name, controlling women is his game'. I've been trying to work out which category his behaviour fits into: King of the Castle, the Jailer, The Bully, the Headworker, the Liar... it seems to fit into them all. You can do the Freedom Programme online Dolly - I think Dee has done it that way? It helps to get your head straight about behaviour like this. He's got you stuck in a foreign country, trapped for the forseeable, seriously limits your movements - you'd think that was enough! but no, he has to control the minutiae of your life. Ex also blocked my car into my drive once in a similar way, kids present. It simply is not good enough.

I'm also a bit that FIL gets cc'd into comms - how very bizarre

I agree that he knows he is losing control of you and has upped the ante; lost control because he can no longer control you. I'm seriously hoping he does more of it tbh (in one way!) so that his agenda comes out into the light, clear and plain - clear enough for the law to see what he's really playing at; that his concern is not ds but keeping you under lock and key, mind and body.

I know how frightening it is - I shook with fear when ex did similar to me. so hard when the kids are there, so hard to think straight.

Thanks Ladies

So I did respond (before I read your lovely notes but hopefully you can see I have learnt a bit in the last year) which simply said (replying to all so cc'ing in FIL)

"Your father has made it very clear to me that he no longer wishes to be in the middle to protect his individual relationships with us; something I understand and will continue to respect - apologies FIL.

I will therefore only say your email seems to have been driven by fear as I think you understand your verbal and physical behavior crossed a line.

I had/continue to have no intention of involving your parents nor will I be making any decisions that are to the detriment of DS or his relationship with you which I had generally thought to be a positive one. However it has given me pause for thought on a number of issues which we will no doubt discuss privately or via lawyers over the coming days.

He then responded saying say what you mean that is what I was trying to get you to say (not ccing in FIL)

I responded saying (not ccing in FIL) again quite simply:

"ok

I found your aggressive behaviour to me and in front of DS, unacceptable.

I tried, repeateldy, to walk away; you would not let me.

I believe you have anger management issues to deal with to make you an effective parent.

I have been trying to forward co-parenting ideas which you have rejected

I will be talking to professionals how best to deal with this."

He then emailed me saying that all I need to do was finish my sentence and I would have found he agreed with me although he recognises he should have walked away however he was amazed and disappointed at my reaction (so disappointed it would seem he frothed at the mouth"

I responded I had no wish to get into a protracted email exchange about it.

He sent another email which I ignored and then an email about communication setting out how he wanted to talk to me about xy and z (things I have been trying to get him to discuss - all related to DS and activities/bike/things like that).

I think he realises he crossed the line (not excusing him) and has been trying to build up a paper trail in case I go to solicitors etc etc. I'm going to learn from my mistakes - I do recognise I can be very knee-jerk reaction about things when I am upset - and consider things over the w/end. I will definately arrange the public drop off but will send a considered email next week. I am mulling over talking to my solicitor but I genuinely want to leave behind the soap opera of last year behind so I don't want to open up the wound again if you see what I mean but I also don't want to downplay what I consider to be hugely hugely inappopriate behaviour. I think that my (for me) measured responses have been helped by a genuine desire to detach, realisation I am glad my wagon isn't hitched to his if this is how he is and also have given up booze for February (there is a charity thing over here called Febfast for addiction charities). Honestly DYING for a glass of wine and its only 3 days in (yikes) but did help me not shoot off ill-thought out emails last night when he was emailing and calling (I didn't take calls - which he has positioned in his emails of me not being a responsible co-parent - in the one call I did take just after I said I wasn't going to speak to him as I was upset, he was with DS and should be focusing on him and I didn't believe we would have a constructive conversation - then ignored the 4 calls from him over the next hour). Oh and all this not helped by then going to dinner at SIL's tonight for youngest nephew's birthday - outlaws also there - nothing mentioned - I mentioned nothing as will keep my word to FIL not to involve him although got a few concerned looks not sure if they were poor DIL or gosh DIL is mental - as sure DH has presenting himself as victim of hideous moi - God where is Mr Sauvignon Blanc when I need him??

Hopefully better w/end and thanks again everyone for your lovely responses and hugs - SO appreciate it xxxx

You did so well Dolly!

He is not taking responsibility for his behaviour - he is blaming you for it eg the email that said he shouldn't have done it, BUT then listing your 'misdemeanours' (in his eyes) - he is blaming you for his behaviour.

I know you want to draw a line under the soap opera of the past year but he has upped the ante now (re exposing what he's really up to) and I'd say don't back out now when the baby is about to be born (ifgwim). Let him hang himself. Do some more of that boundary stuff, it smokes him out.

Phew, Dolly! I applaud your reactions to your Ex's attempts to harass you.

All I can add to the other wonderful posts is that in these circumstances I tend to link a person's anger to their guilt.

By God, he's a guilty piece of shit, hence his growing anger at your growing distance from him. You can read these guys like a book and you can see his facade crumbling. Maybe his new life in his reconstructed world aint so good after all.

Just be glad that you are out of his orbit and keep your wonderful calm responses coming. Be nothing but civil, then you can walk away with your integrity intact.

in the summer ex was arrested for offensive voicemails and got let off with a warning ,as soon as police were involved it just meant for me every communication could b evidence now ,i know that and he knows that.It just cuts out the offensive rubbish.not saying u have to go to the police yet dolly,just mean ,try not to get drawn in and keep high boundaries.

Ah, but they don't call it 'angry' do they. They call it 'disappointed'. My ex likes to let me know how 'disappointed' he is in me almost every time we communicate. He's fecking furious.

Is he your dad ?

I know. Patronising in the extreme on top of everything else, and clearly severely limited in the irony awareness department too.

or he is dissapointed by his own behaviour

one of the best bits of not living witb ex is not having to listen to his bullshit everyday,good luck to all the dafties that hooked up with our exs ,cause it bored the life out of me

Hi Dolly - so sorry to hear what you have been through (but so chuffed with your very measured and calm response in the face of such a wind-up merchant). Absolutely shocking that your ex did all of that in view of your son and seemed determined to continue the argument regardless of....well, everything. I am angry on your behalf that he could act this way and think that this is appropriate (esp in the way he basically blames the whole episode on you! Madness.....). You did fantastically to keep your composure in the email and also to call a halt to the email ping-pong that he obviously was enjoying in some way (what is that saying that any attention, even negative attention, is better than no attention? Maybe your ex has clocked on that there has been a change in you and more importantly the way you react/interact with him, and he doesn't like it.....he needs that attention I reckon). And what the heck is he thinking (or playing at) with dragging his father into the email in the first place....??

I think McNaughty is right about the guilt as I got this lots from ex. I struggled to see how he could be feeling honest-to-goodness-guilt as he wandered around so smugly telling all and sundry how happy he was now, but I think he was. He could never be decent and perhaps ensure that his guilt would mean that he would treat me with a bit more respect, but not to be.

I agree about the drop off in a public/populated venue to avoid any future nonsense from him. Hope you are okay. Will you get to speak to DS whilst he is away with his dad?

Well - ditto. Sorry that you are going through so much s**t with your ex. It is hugely funny (as in what the heck are they on?!) when they trot out the disappointment line. Again, like the anger, I got this verbally, in emails, texts....esp when I chose to dare to disagree with something ex wanted or rather decreed. He is most definitely the deluded king of his castle. I have escaped (prefer this viewpoint to the one where he got to do the choosing and dumping) and you, and Dolly, all of us that have gone through this.

Patience - agree, wonder if my ex has taken to his usual laze around the house, spread out over the sofa, wearing shorts with his bits hanging out (that he was always scratching, in-between picking his nose and then slyly eating the crusty bogies from under his nails), holding his hands over his belly and moaning about x, y or z (I used to joke and say he was turning into an old curmudgeon like his dad). Definitely a lucky escape! .

Just wondering how everyone is today? I am feeling glum. Glum glum glum. Went sledging with ds yesterday and it felt tough as ex's country is a snowy one and it brings back many memories of ski holidays etc. Plus he is breathing down my neck in a psychopathic way about selling the house and I am feeling under the kosh (although I shouldn't be because he can't do anything without my consent). He is like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde - so over the top lovely to everyone else, and utterly vile to me.

Yep, been there re the Jekyll/Hyde character. It is very confusing eh

Can you limit comms between you? re get another phone, change number/email addy etc? Then he's out of your face as much as possible. I used to get a friend to read the letters from sol first and give me a general rundown of what they were about - also whether they were nice (ha!) or nasty. Kind of helped me to break it all down into manageable chunks. I read the letters in the end but it helped to have a human shield. Great that he can't do anything without your permission re house.

Glad to hear you're making some new 'snow' memories

Thinking of you well and love to all xx

Thanks springy - i have limited communications as much as I can (i think). I'll only discuss the settlement/divorce etc via email as he's just so much of a bully and things get heated very quickly if we discuss it. I will discuss it face to face with a mediator further down the line if that becomes necessary - not going to do it on my own with him though, which seems to send him (even more) bonkers. He calls most days to speak to the children and I pick up the phone and if I hear it's him I just hand it straight over to ds. Worst thing is if he wants to skype as then I have to sit with the kids (as they're very young and just wander off) and keep them engaged with the conversation AND have to look at his arrogant mug.

The comment about making new snow memories is a brilliant one - I hadn't thought of it like that and it really made me smile. Gawd, it's just a huge chunk of my life (10 years) that I can't think about at the moment. I'm still in the stage where everything I look at has a memory of him attached to it. It's like six degrees of separation - anything you could care to mention I could find an association with him. Tough times, but gotta keep on truckin!

You're grieving, and grief won't be rushed - I was going to say 'unfortunately' but really it's very healthy to allow the grief to run its course (with all the ups and downs..). HOld on sweetie, this too shall pass (it always does) x