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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does the violence ever stop?

231 replies

ash6605 · 23/09/2011 14:15

I find it hard to put this into words, things aren't good right now. I had my dh arrested last night, he punched me with full force in the head. I did slap him first so totally deserve it and don't know why I rang the police, I feel bad I did now, he spent the night it the cells and is out on bail now. The violence isn't a new thing it's happened before, usually me first and then he takes it too far and hits me harder. It's wrong of both of us I know that. But I love him dearly and don't want things to be this way.
Does anyone have any experience of this and did it stop, can it be overcome?

OP posts:
brianmayshair · 23/09/2011 14:24

No, it won't stop and you really need to get help over your temper, neither of you should be resorting to hitting. Before it gets completely out of hand you need to separate and seek help. Do you have dc?

HerHissyness · 23/09/2011 14:24

Love, you don't deserve it. Nobody does.

Never, ever does ANYONE deserve a full force punch in the head - he could have KILLED you!

He will kill you one day. you do know that don't you? Sad

Things will never get better, you will never manage his abuse.

This is all about HIM. He chose to hit you. He chose to batter you and it's his choice to stop. He won't.

Can you keep him out of your home?

Please see what is on the cards for you. It's YOUR life against HIS abuse. He will win unless you say ENOUGH.

Get out of this today. NOW.

brianmayshair · 23/09/2011 14:31

Actually herhissyness they BOTH were hitting, i'm not saying she deserved a punch in the face, what has happened is truly awful but her losing her temper and hitting him is also pretty bad. There are anger management issues both sides which need to be dealt with.

Advice is the same, move out or make him move out you it is a dangerous situation to be involved in for all involved.

If you have dc please seek help for those issues.

buzzskillington · 23/09/2011 14:33

You did right to call the police.

You need to separate. Who started it doesn't matter - whether you think you're at fault as much as he is or not - where there is this level of violence, the best outcome for now is to be apart.

I suggest you do some therapy on your own and work out where to go from there. This relationship is terribly bad and dangerous for you as it stands.

Tortington · 23/09/2011 14:35

its just rubbish is it not? that you express yourselves via violence.

that your communication is such that you cannot talk, that you turn to anger and violence.

its a very immature state of affairs all this hitting. Please be aware that this isn't normal, big or clever.

you will either class yourself or be classed as a victim of domestic violence

you will surround yourself in this negtive drama - this is the thing you see. sometimes the immaturity is around the creation of the life drama to get attention. normal people. m men and women do not communicate by violence. If there are children involved you are a seriously poor example of how parents should look

Tortington · 23/09/2011 14:36

just at the top of this thread there is a little blurb about domestic violence and there is a DV advice guide.

please kread this and use it.

other people will love you more in your lifetime, they will love you so much they won't hit you

Tortington · 23/09/2011 14:37

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk i have heard awesome things about this at work

Snorbs · 23/09/2011 14:41

Yes, the violence will stop. It will stop when one or other of you realises that no matter how scary being single sounds, it can't be worse than living with the perpetual fear of yet more violence in this grotesque sham of a relationship.

Or it will stop when one of you winds up dead.

Which is it going to be?

PetiteRaleuse · 23/09/2011 14:52

You do not deserve because you hit him first. My XP made me think that because I once slapped him it was justification for putting me in hospital. It took me two years to leave him after that, and two years to realise it wasn't me who had started it.

No, as someone said above, the violence won't stop until you leave or until you are dead.

Calling the police was the right thing to do. I hope you get the support you need.

mumsamilitant · 23/09/2011 14:54

Both you need to separate now. Two wrongs don't make a right. Then seek professional help.

How old are you?
Is there drink involved?

HerHissyness · 23/09/2011 14:56

Ok, I'll bite.

How hard is a slap? A full on open handed slap? I've had one thanks to my X. It hurts. it leaves a mark. for a while.

a full on punch in the face, dealt by a man, can KILL. A slap? no. doubt it.

A REAL man, no matter what kicks off, never raises a hand to a woman, and certainly never full force, fist, roundhouse.

I hit X once or twice, but the verbal abuse, harassment and torture that lead to it was too much. I should have walked away, but when you are in that kind of atmosphere, you can't., it's terrifying, being trapped like that.

No, I shouldn't have slapped my X, OP shouldn't have slapped her STBX, but a full punch? That evil bastard knew what he was doing.

He will KILL you ash in the end, unless you get OUT and stay out.

Freedom programme is AWESOME, really good. please try and get on a course asap, please let the police help you and protect you.

babyhammock · 23/09/2011 15:03

What herhissy said

notsorted · 23/09/2011 15:11

I'm going to be slightly less black and white than the others, because I know you want to hear something different. However, there is no wand, magic or otherwise, that will solve this problem.
Once violence has been used as a method of communication, you can't put it back in the box. It will always be there as something that either of you resort to and the danger is ever present that it will crop up even over the most trivial things - putting the rubbish out, cleaning the loo, whatever.
Talk to Respect ( 0808 802 4040) as well as women's aid. They do DV perp programmes mostly aimed at men, but also help women as victims and those who use violence.
This relationship has to stop. You need to be apart, deal with your anger separately, and deal with whatever it is that makes you so angry that hitting out happens.
If and only if you both can face what has happened, grow to understand what has happened at the same pace, deal with the guilt, the blame, the emotions between you, and learn how to communicate with the help of some very, very intense professional help is there any chance for you and him to have a relationship, a new relationship and even then you will both have to be mindful of your behaviour towards each other constantly.
Relate don't counsel when there has been violence. So do you have the strength to try and does he when the most likely possibility is that you learn to deal with what has happened separately. You can't answer for him, you can't change his behaviour - he has to want to do that. So work on yourself first, then you can see for yourself what chance of a future you and he have. Sorry not to be more optimistic.

GracieFavour · 23/09/2011 15:35

why are you hitting and slapping each other? that isnt love or even like.

if you have kids, for their sakes, get help.

notsorted · 23/09/2011 15:41

A quick analogy or two that came to mind ... some couples can have passionate/emotional relationships with lots of arguing but they also have mechanisms for making up and not going too far, some couples have open relationships but agree rules so that don't damage their primary relationship, some couples engage in lots of kinky things in the bedroom that could be dangerous and again they agree how not to go too far. With DV you are facing the problems that come with all three ... dangerous anger, trust laid open to abuse and threat of serious injury if not rape/death.

cestlavielife · 23/09/2011 16:17

why cant you stop yourself?
why cant he?

both of you have huge issues but you need to separate from each other and get help so you dont hit out when things dont go your way.

brianmayshair · 23/09/2011 16:37

So Herhissyness if my DH gives me an open handed slap every now and again that's ok because it won't kill me Hmm.

2 wrongs don't make a right my partner is 18 stone, 6' 2" and a rugby player if i slapped him he could he easily defend himself and if he hit back at me he could easily do some serious damage. Neither of us should ever hit each other, end of the story. Violence in a relationship is never the answer and the OP says this isn't the first time and she starts it. As someone has already said once out of the box you can't put it back in. I'm certainly not saying he was in the right but what i am most certainly saying as she has no right to hit him either slap or otherwise.

bubblegumpop · 23/09/2011 16:43

Erm am I missing something here? It's the OP that starts the DV NOT the man. How do we know that she isn't battering him, and he just gives in in self defence to get her scared off. We have her side here and she is telling us she repetitively starts off violent incidents.

2 wrongs don't make a right here.......but Jesus op herself is an abuser she is the one here repetitively starting the physical violence. Maybe she met her match? They are both as nasty as each other.

She needs help. It really boils my piss when women start belittling male dv as not "being the same".

No fucking idea.

buzzskillington · 23/09/2011 16:51

Men are usually stronger than women. A slap is less forceful than a punch to the head. While neither act is acceptable, a punch to the head from a man is far more likely to hospitalise or kill, than a slap from a woman.

If someone slaps you in the course of an argument, you should get the fuck away and break off the relationship, not punch them in the head.

brianmayshair · 23/09/2011 17:03

Nobody is saying he was within his right to punch her, but i was pointing out that the slap is just as bad IMO.

notsorted · 23/09/2011 17:20

Guess slap v punch is about past conditioning. We've all see old Hollywood films where the woman gives the man a smart slap round the face, or vice versa. We have never seen old movies where the man and woman knock the living daylights out of each other or knock someone to the floor. So while a slap is not good in any sense and we are getting beyond such things, it does come under similar definition to slapping a child out of shock/anger it is sometimes part of our conditioning when we were growing up that we have fortunately learned not to accept now. And yes, it's no defence, but a woman is unlikely to inflict as much physical damage as a man.

lubeybooby · 23/09/2011 17:21

No, it doesn't end and you know that really. Do the right thing.

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/09/2011 19:32

HerHissynessFri 23-Sep-11 14:56:44

"A REAL man, no matter what kicks off, never raises a hand to a woman"

Yes and a REAL man doesn't have emotions.

FFS

and people wonder why men don't report DV

solidgoldbrass · 23/09/2011 20:16

Get out of the relationship, it's toxic. Cut all contact with the man as soon as possible (I really hope you don't have children with him). Then have a think about your own behaviour - there's only one important question here which is - have you ever hit a previous partner or indeed anyone else? If so, you may have a problem with anger and be too quick to resort to violence. If he's the only person you've ever hit (there is no real need to count playground scraps or sibling ones) then the problem is more with him but either way, the relationship needs to end because it's not fixable. No relationship that has involved repeated violence is fixable.

confidence · 23/09/2011 20:31

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