Does the violence ever stop?

[ash6605]

I find it hard to put this into words, things aren't good right now. I had my dh arrested last night, he punched me with full force in the head. I did slap him first so totally deserve it and don't know why I rang the police, I feel bad I did now, he spent the night it the cells and is out on bail now. The violence isn't a new thing it's happened before, usually me first and then he takes it too far and hits me harder. It's wrong of both of us I know that. But I love him dearly and don't want things to be this way.
Does anyone have any experience of this and did it stop, can it be overcome?

Guess slap v punch is about past conditioning. We've all see old Hollywood films where the woman gives the man a smart slap round the face, or vice versa. We have never seen old movies where the man and woman knock the living daylights out of each other or knock someone to the floor. So while a slap is not good in any sense and we are getting beyond such things, it does come under similar definition to slapping a child out of shock/anger it is sometimes part of our conditioning when we were growing up that we have fortunately learned not to accept now. And yes, it's no defence, but a woman is unlikely to inflict as much physical damage as a man.

Bollox.

In every thread that I have ever read here about physical violence inflicted by men upon women, I have never seen anything but absolute, zero tolerance of ANY of it. A man can tap a woman on the hand with a toothpick and the chorus would be resounding and unanimous: "Leave him now. He's an ABUSER. You must not give in to the idea that only serious physical violence matters. ALL physical violence is abuse and unacceptable, under ALL circumstance." etc. etc. And you know what? I agree with this.

So what happens when a woman assaults a man? Oh, a slap is KIND OF bad, and of course you shouldn't do it. But it's not really THAT big a deal, is it? What REALLY matters is when a man escalates it, because he's so much stronger than her. He really should have known better... HE's the ABUSER!

Blatently transparent prejudice can be really pretty funny sometimes.

Actually confidence I was just about to post that that line chimed so stongly with me with regards to a previous relationship I was in that I'm feeling a bit shaken - just had quite a nasty flashback.
I was 21 and with someone that would say the most horrible, spiteful things often about deeply personal things I had confided, and mock me, and spit on me, until I was so wound up I slapped him - then he'd get to hit me much, much harder.
Then he's laugh while I lay on the ground crying hysterically.
Fucker. I blamed myself for years, too.
The thought of hitting or hurting my DH is utterly alien. Guess it wasn't me then.
OP it's hard to tell from your posts what the specifics of your situation are, but either way it sounds like a dreadful situation to be in.

solidgoldbrassFri 23-Sep-11 20:16:01
"If he's the only person you've ever hit (there is no real need to count playground scraps or sibling ones) then the problem is more with him but either way"

Really!!!!

victim blaming at its best.

StewieGriffinsMomFri 23-Sep-11 20:37:44
"You need to read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does he do that? Inside the mind of angry and controlling men."

Its not always the mans fault.

xkittyx - I was 21 and with someone that would say the most horrible, spiteful things often about deeply personal things I had confided, and mock me, and spit on me, until I was so wound up I slapped him - then he'd get to hit me much, much harder. Then he's laugh while I lay on the ground crying hysterically.

Well if he spat at you then he was the one who initiated the physical abuse.

Outside of that, I don't see how you get to suggest that your hitting him was justified by things he'd said, without it being possible that there are other situations where a man hits a woman, and is justified by what she said.

There is either an absolute, inalienable line between angry and aggressive verbal interactions, and physical violence, or there isn't. Crossing that line is either always wrong and physical abuse, or it isn't. Personally I believe it is, and I was under the impression most people here felt the same way.

It now turns out however that it depends entirely on whether you happen to have a penis or not.

Oh gosh SGM don't apologise! I think what you said was hugely useful in case that is the situation the OP finds herself in too, and she's blaming herself.

Sorry confidence to dent your sense of, um, confidence, in your righteousness, but:

You are just plain wrong.

YES both men and women can be violent. Both men and women can be abusive. Good God, if anyone knows that, it's me.

I would LOVE to watch someone like you in a room with a verbally, emotionally abusive person...male or female, and see what you would do.

You do not know what you are talking about.

Consistency? Really, you simply have NO idea what you are talking about..."confidence"

Of course you are wrong for slapping him but that doesnt mean you deserve to be punched in the face

the freedom programme link is excellent please do read that.

No the violence won't stop it sounds like the relationship needs to end before you get hurt even more or killed when he takes it too far

www.womensaid.org

Oh god, this thread makes me want to cry. Both parties are obviously in some kind of destructive cycle and if they don't pull away there may be serious consequences. Who hit who is not relevant now. The bottom line is it's become very toxic and yes, a man is physically stronger than a women, hence could probably do more damage.

Sweetheart, you have made a very very important move here and voiced what has been going on. I'm not here to judge you or your partner.

May I say that you really DO need to separate and take it from there.

It really can be sorted.

thisishowifeel - I'm not saying this to get at you or prove anything. But actually I was violently abused every day of my life until the age of 12. So I might know a little more than you think.

There's obviously a lot we don't know about the situation, as it always the case in such threads. But anyone can see the blatent double standard of insisting on an absolute zero tolerance policy of any kind of physical violence from a man to a woman, and denying that it can ever be justified, then turning around and seeking to do precisely that just because the genders are reversed.

Also Ash, I have a temper too and have done things in the past that I'm not proud of, I hit my partner once with a tin of bake beans. I also threw a glass of squash in his face. He didnt ever hit me back.

Actually I've just reread the OP and it says NOTHING about her husband being an emotional abuser, or what he might possibly do to "goad" her into hitting him. It simply says that they hit each other, and she's usually the one who hits first.

To which people have responded with an avalanche of assumptions about him, all based on the starting point that it must be his fault, so all we have to do is find or invent the information to show how.

Also Ash, I have a temper too and have done things in the past that I'm not proud of, I hit my partner once with a tin of bake beans.

That's different though. A fist can KILL - but a tin of baked beans is only made of metal.

I do not ordinarily post in DV related threads from women (unless about a male friend or relative) but some of the comments in this one mean I cannot stay silent.

Firstly, it would seem that the OP and her partner both have anger management issues and I would suggest that the relationship is not viable.

Based on what the OP has said I don't think there is really an excuse for her slapping him to start with, violence isn't excusable as a means to settle disagreement. (To be clear, I absolutely do not think that the situation xkittyx described is any way analogous and she was clearly already being abused by her then partner.) Having said that, it can only really be justified in self-defence where there is no alternative, and even then only if it is proportionate.

if you MUST hit people, don't hit people who are obviously bigger and stronger than you. They will hurt you a lot when they hit back.

Really!? To retaliate at all, except in genuine self-defence, is at best inappropriate. To do so without any regard to one's superiority in physical strength is appalling. He was himself simply acting out of anger. The only appropriate response to a slap would be to extricate oneself from the situation as expediently as possible. He could have sought external help, from the LA or police, without retaliating in this way. Nothing in the situation as presented justified the way he assaulted her.

Ooops!

Wheres AF? please come summerise

Oberon, fuck off!

Please explain.