Does the violence ever stop?

[ash6605]

I find it hard to put this into words, things aren't good right now. I had my dh arrested last night, he punched me with full force in the head. I did slap him first so totally deserve it and don't know why I rang the police, I feel bad I did now, he spent the night it the cells and is out on bail now. The violence isn't a new thing it's happened before, usually me first and then he takes it too far and hits me harder. It's wrong of both of us I know that. But I love him dearly and don't want things to be this way.
Does anyone have any experience of this and did it stop, can it be overcome?

would i really have affected him that much? surely he knew i was off track and out of order?

Stop making this about you ffs.

I forgive you mam

I'll email him now..

Pardon?

Stop bringing your whole life onto a website!

thanks jelly and i hope he's ok.

God so do i, he really wouldn't hurt a fly...

Oberon come back! MN needs you

You were right to phone the police, OP.

Yes, the violence can stop (sometimes) but it can often continue to be used as a threat, and in the absence of it, other, new types of abuse will take its place, which may have existed before the violence, and just increase as a different form of an attempt to exert control. But, I don't know if the impact of the mental scars caused by the violence will ever go away, and the resentment, and the anger. Women are often, so desperate to make it work, they will accept the blame and go on guilt trips about going public and speaking out. The impact of violence in a relationship means lines have been crossed forever. There can't be a healthy amount of respect, safety and trust. The next blow to the head could be fatal.

You both need to stay the hell away from each other.

Fuck me, some people are insane.

I am pretty much horrified at some of the comments on here to be honest. The OP in question was the first to use violence, she's wrong, wrong, wrong.

The man smacked her in the face, wrong, wrong, wrong.

To defend her is to defend the use of violence in a relationship. We can't do that. If we think the use of violence is wrong other than in defending yourself then it's wrong regardless of gender.

She instigated the violence.

It's clearly a dysfunctional toxic relationship which should finish now. Stuff counselling, just get out before someone, probably the woman on account of her /strength size, is injured or killed.

The message should be that violence is always wrong. Period.

The violence isn't a new thing it's happened before, usually me first and then he takes it too far and hits me harder

What do you deduce from this OP?

God just read the whole thread.

MaM - you apologised but did so in a light-hearted, inappropriate way. Your posts were shameful (and deranged). I don't know Oberon but his last post made me well up as his hurt was so palpable.

OP - I think you should get out of this descructive, dangerous 'relationship'.

mam was drunk, Proud, but her regret still sounded genuine. She realised (at last) that she'd misread Oberon.

Jelly, have you heard from Oberon? I can understand if he avoids MN now, or at least on a Friday night... but it would be nice to know he's ok. I really felt for him during that vicious attack - he needs to know it was NOT HIS FAULT in the slightest and he has valuable things to contribute when he feels strong enough.

This thread is a disgrace.

The OP poster here for support and advice. Posters who are unable to refrain from point scoring and debate on a support thread on a support board need to butt the fuck out.

No wonder the OP hasn't come back.

Ash I hope you are ok. I think you need real life help - contact Women's Aid and talk this through with someone who understands the mechanisms of domestic violence. I really hope this thread hasn't upset you too much - that seems the last thing you need at the moment.

I second the advice to read 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft.

Good luck lovey.

To me this relationship needs to end, NOW. To resort to slapping your husband in the first place instead of walking away is very uncalled for, the fact that you resort to violence and always hit first is really shitty, if he didn't hit you back every time, how far would you go? The fact that he does hit you back instead of leave you to seeth in your own rage is also very shitty, you did the right thing in calling the police, you now need to end this extremely unhealthy relationship for both of your sakes, and seek some anger management help, the pair of you need to do this! the relationship is over between you both anyway, it was the moment the pair of you used violence against each other, you wouldn't hurt your kids like that so why your partener if you truly love them.
get out now and get help !!!

Jesus. MN double standards alive and well here. So op is the one who repeatedly starts of the physical violence. She is the one being abused and the victim.

Right.......................

It's ok women, kick the shit out of your husband, it must be his fault, so it's ok. You are the one being abused

This relationship is dead in the water. There is no going back. You need to separate and try and work out how things got to this point. As soon as violence enters a relationship, it kills it. You can't really love someone that you hit, or who hits you.

bubblegumpop-as a male I don't think, (leaving the OP's situation aside) you understand how outmatched women are against men, and how, I believe, it is easier for a man to intimidate a woman, use force against her,physically trap her in corners of a room,hold her down on a bed against her will,throw her across a room,onto the floor,use stronger punches,sexually abuse her........than it is for a woman.

lostinafricaThank you for asking - Yes, i heard from him in the early hours, he was badly shaken up and went for a long walk.. Got him to read the thread and how it ended last night, i think he'll lurk for a bit until his confidence returns..

This thread certainly kicked off, to say the least.. I hope Ash comes back and finds the answers to the particular questions she asked.

bubble-to physically throw a woman out of a house if he feels like, because he has the greater strength (in the majority of cases) to do this,to threaten her not to enter into a room in their home if he decides it,...................

OP, clearly your relationship cannot continue like this. You have been honest and stated it is usually you who starts it;this may well be accurate or you may be feeling guilty at calling the police on him punching you full in the head.

How long have you been together? When did violence start? Does it start when you and your partner have been drinking?