Does the violence ever stop?

[ash6605]

I find it hard to put this into words, things aren't good right now. I had my dh arrested last night, he punched me with full force in the head. I did slap him first so totally deserve it and don't know why I rang the police, I feel bad I did now, he spent the night it the cells and is out on bail now. The violence isn't a new thing it's happened before, usually me first and then he takes it too far and hits me harder. It's wrong of both of us I know that. But I love him dearly and don't want things to be this way.
Does anyone have any experience of this and did it stop, can it be overcome?

Sorry, I keep forgetting to answer your original question.

Does the violence ever stop? I would say - not without professional help. Generally it escalates and gets worse.

Please seek that help. You deserve it.

x

To the people who have offered genuine help and advice and provided me with links, many thanks x
To the ones who have used my thread as an excuse to start an argument or debate or simply to condemn my actions kindly f**k off and leave my thread I have never said I'm innocent, or claimed to be a victim I asked for advice not a battering.
I came on today with the intention of replying to some of the questions asked, do we have children, is there emotional abuse etc? But to be frank I am worn out just reading the arguments on here and it seems that no matter what I say, no matter what my "defence" or "excuse" is I'm always going to receive a battering on here.
Again, genuine thanks to those who have helped

Hey ash, good to hear from you.

I think you are very wise to not give out any more info on this thread. I'm ashamed of MN sometimes, and this is one of them.

The Relationships forum is mean to be supportive and that so didn't happen here for you. And that is a real shame because it can be a great resource when given a chance.

I hope things work out for you and that you get the help you want. You sound like one strong woman to me. Take care.

Oh and I agree with your sentiment that those who have made your thread into a fight should fuck off.

Again second what beachcomber said.

It won't get better hun. The line's already been crossed severely and the fact that he retaliates so much worse is really worrying. Also you said in your OP that its mainly you who starts the fight. Is it him who usually starts the verbal agression? Don't answer it, but think about it ok.

What ever the answer to that, it means that sometimes its him who starts the violence... what happens then :( especially as he's clearly significantly more aggressive.

The Lundy book is excellent in gaining an understanding of the dynamics involved and what's really going on.

Good luck with everything and so sorry you didn't get more help on this thread x

Stewie FWIW I didn't think that your comments were inappropriate at all. All I saw was you trying to defend the OP's position..
Just wanted to say x

SGM I think you posted some really helpful stuff. You were trying to defend Ash from attacks being made on her. Attacks that should never have occurred.

Ash: Best of luck. Seek outside help whatever the rights and wrongs, a relationship which repeatedly features violence is one that needs to end.

ash -

Sorry the thread went the way it did, and for my part in that if it's stopped you getting what you needed. I don't think anybody on either side really meant to send it that way; people just respond to posts one by one and before you know it it's kicked off.

I hope you can get help whatever the details of the situation, and somehow find peace.

Ash, stop hitting your dh for a start eh.

Ash, just to let you know, you can ask MN to delete this thread if you want. You click on report on your own first post and then you can write a comment saying why you have reported.

If I were you I would be feeling pretty angry at the posts made here by people unable to offer support and who prefer to turn things into a fight and appropriate people's suffering for their own agenda. It would make me want to have the thread deleted so that their nasty posts were got rid of.

Confidence if you are wondering who reported your posts on this thread - it was me, although I suspect I was not the only one. Bit late for sorry really isn't it?

Fine work folks - you profess to care so much about DV that you have hounded a victim of it off here.

It's a public forum and you do sound aggressive. Just because some see you as the perpetrator. Start with what deuce said. Stop hitting your oh, for a start eh?

Get the help you clearly need and leave. If you will post such a topic and not accept views from both spectrums. Get the topic deleted. It's a public forum, not everyone will see it from your view.

"Fine work folks - you profess to care so much about DV that you have hounded a victim of it off here."

I suspect that you don't mean Oberon, which is even more of a shame.

I'm getting sick of this idea that MN is a public forum so people can post anything they like on it, without any sense of boundaries, manners, appropriateness or genuine desire to support and be kind.

Do people bother to read the guidelines before they wade in with their agendas?

Do they understand that there are real people behind these posts?

Are you examining your behaviour on this thread and finding it wanting, or are you just back for more adversarial point scoring?

Pathetic.

BUBBLEGUMPOP- I sound aggressive? Care to explain? Do you mean from what I've posted on mn or generally what I've done to dh? Cos reading back at my two posts I fail to see any aggression?

Again, I have NEVER tried to justify my actions, I could've painted the bigger picture and discussed issues with emotional abuse if I felt welcome enough to do so but since my thread was taken over by mindless idiots(not everyone I hasten to add) I didn't see the point in divulging any further info. I will never make excuses up for what Ive done but just wanted to say that this is NOT something I have done on regular basis (yes I know once is one time too many) there have been a very small handful of occasions in 12yrs of marriage where the verbal aggression has just become to much for me to deal with and lashing out has sadly been my response. I'm not proud of it, I'm very very sad and ashamed of my actions.

Thank you BEACHCOMBER I couldn't have said it better myself, a public forum stil requires tact, manners, understanding and not the vile bullying behaviour that is often seem on here, I don't really find some people on here any better than mental/verbal ubusers

Ash, I had my H arrested because he got me in a headlock and repeatedly punched me until there was blood; I had slapped him across the face for behaving absolutlely disgustingly toward me. he was released and cautioned for it as it was a first.

Prior to this on several occasions I had lashed out at him due to shear frustration with his unreasonable demands and behaviour. He never hit back, however he told me repeatedly that there was something wrong with me as every few weeks I would ' go mad'. I felt that he was pushing all my 'wrong' buttons which caused frustration and anger on my part. I felt I was being goaded.

He died early last year and to date I have not been prone to any angry and irrational outbursts. I am with another partner, whom I have known for many years, and its a gentle and loving relationship full of respect for each other.

The relationship with H was wrong from the start and with hindsight I don't think it would have ever got better.

I understand your basic need to lash out; the frustration can be overwhelming

Thank you! I'm going to report this thread and hopefully get it deleted, DH is going off it that I have shared this info with everyone(he checks my emails, texts etc) he says I'm exaggerating the "punch in the head" as it was "not that hard" hard enough IMO to justify the police calling paramedics out who tried to get me to go to hospital as lump was so big and still is. And hard enough for police to take the decision out of my hands and arrest him even though I asked them to leave it ( the punch was not immediate, he did it a few seconds after I slapped him and that made the police more worried somehow) Fwiw when the police insisted on arresting him I actually told them to arrest me too to make it fair. They wouldn't. They are involving the DV unit as they think I'm being mentally abused. Even now DH is refusing to end things and has spent the last 3 days acting like everything is ok and nothing has happened. I'm so confused, so hurt that I really dong know where to go from here. And yes 3 children are involved(who I stress weren't present when any of this happened and have never been)

Your relationship is in a very bad way Ash, which I guess you already know as you wouldn't have posted here in the first place. Please get some RL help, you cannot continue in this chaotic destruction.

He has no right to police your texts and emails.

Ash only get the thread deleted if that is what you really want.

Your DH reading your texts, emails, etc is a sure sign that he is controlling you. You are being abused and it must be stopped. I'm glad to hear that the DV unit is involved. It sounds like the police have understood your situation very well.

Please be careful and please continue to get the support and advice you need and deserve.

Your DH's reaction to all this is very concerning and sounds to me like the behaviour of an abuser.

But then we know he is an abuser because he punches you and reads your private correspondence.

Hugs and support x

Ash I'm so glad you came back. What you (and SirSugar) describe does sound like the horrible goading thing that happened to me.
Please stick around, hopefully this threat can take a more constructive turn.
And can the people using someone else's turmoil and crises to have a pissing contest please have the decency to leave off and let this be a discussion of one single situation, as it should be.

Ash, delete this thread.

change the passwords to all your accounts and name change. Above all else, please come back here, you need MN/support.

Don't you DARE let this bully monitor and control your life.

The police don't go around arresting people willy nilly. For them to take him away and involve the DV team is because they see that you need it. His insistence that everything is OK and normal is EXACTLY why it really is NOT.

No you shouldn't hit, you know that, but you don't have to live like this. No-one does. I have been where you are now, but the blows were not hard enough to warrant the police, so they continued or the threats of them, for years, sporadically. I'm now out, on the Freedom programme (2nd one tomorrow) and slowly realising what has actually happened to me.

You are not alone anymore Ash, you have us, and we all want to see you on here laughing, joking and pissing about with us, which you will do, when you get rid of this damaged man from your life. You will in time have much to give back and help others in similar situations, but for now, we all need to help you to work to liberate you from this miserable life.

You are worth that, everyone is worth that.

I think there is a world of difference between someone who is using verbal/physical abuse to intimidate and control someone and to keep them in their place and someone who, following sustained and deliberate provocation, lashes out at their partner in frustration in a one-off incident.

Anyone can see the difference. I have occasionally lashed out in total frustation in relationships (eg: found out about infidelity/got fed up with someone continually projecting their own crap onto me/reacted to being put down in public.) To be honest I am totally puny physically so the idea that any man would be intimidated by me physically is completely laughable.

When a relationship has become emotionally charged, it can be difficult to take a step back and see what is really going on. People (of either sex) can lose physical control when they are the victims of sustained provocation.

I think that there are certain warped people (of both sexes) who deliberately provoke in order to get a reaction. One of my friends was, sadly, married to such an individual. He was verbally abusive (but in a sneaky way so it was hard to detect). I would say he was a classic 'gaslighter' so that she ended up continually questioning herself and thinking she was to blame for things going wrong. He was horrible and knew exactly what he was doing. Once she did the classic throwing a saucepan at him (or something - can't remember exactly what it was) and of course he used this against her as evidence that she was 'losing it' and 'mentally unstable'. What a shit he was. Thankfully, she got out of the relationship and he is now making wife number three totally miserable. His son is similar to him - he has learnt the same patterns of behaviour.

Another friend was married to an abusive man - he physically and verbally intimated her, but never actually hit her (too clever for that). What is shocking is that she admits she wanted him to hit her, and then she would have a cast-iron reason to end the marriage. However, following therapy, she realised that verbal abuse is as bad as physical abuse (and MUCH harder to detect) and ended the relationship.

OP - only you really know what is going on in your relationship. What are the patterns of behaviour? To what extent are you being manipulated and goaded here?

Poor Ash, what a dreadful situation you're in. You say DH won't end things - no wonder, but I hope you find a way to, and escape from all this with your DCs.