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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does the violence ever stop?

231 replies

ash6605 · 23/09/2011 14:15

I find it hard to put this into words, things aren't good right now. I had my dh arrested last night, he punched me with full force in the head. I did slap him first so totally deserve it and don't know why I rang the police, I feel bad I did now, he spent the night it the cells and is out on bail now. The violence isn't a new thing it's happened before, usually me first and then he takes it too far and hits me harder. It's wrong of both of us I know that. But I love him dearly and don't want things to be this way.
Does anyone have any experience of this and did it stop, can it be overcome?

OP posts:
confidence · 23/09/2011 22:45

buzzkillington -

Yes, of course you're right. I'm certainly not saying that it's a viable long term solution to remain in a relationship where someone hits you, simply because you can hit them back harder.

I was referring more to what happens in the heat of the moment. When one is assaulted, one is not usually in a frame of mind to reflect and act upon a long term view of the situation. One can do nothing, and quite possibly risk being hit again. One can run away (viability of which depends on circumstances). One can hit back, thus indicating to the other person that they can't get away with hitting you and preventing them from doing it again.

Of course none of these are "answers", because the real problem is not what happens after the first punch has been thrown, but what caused it to be thrown in the first place.

mumsamilitant · 23/09/2011 22:51

Oberon, this is really not the place for you. Go and dry your eyes and post on a site that will help you. There are places for abused men. Take care and good luck

bubblegumpop · 23/09/2011 22:55

MaM are you pissed?

UsingPredominantlyTeaspoons · 23/09/2011 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jellykat · 23/09/2011 23:03

Oberon, this is really not a place for you. Go and dry your eyes and post on a site that will help you. There are places for abused men

You are fucking kidding Mumsamilitant..

Would you care to explain WTF you are talking about?

Why isn't this a place for him?

confidence · 23/09/2011 23:08

Because he seems to sbe under the bizarre delusion that men have as much right not to suffer domestic violence as women do.

Jellykat · 23/09/2011 23:12

What? Aren't men human beings then?

Noone deserves to suffer DV, regardless of gender!

solidgoldbrass · 23/09/2011 23:14

MaM, the fact that domestic violence is far more commonly a case of men abusing women does not mean that women never abuse men, or that when men are abused by their female partners that it doesn't matter.
Some people are abusive and horrible. Irrespective of gender, some people are either born without empathy or kindness, or their early life experiences make them incapable of treating others kindly. While there is a long history and cultural tradition of men's abuse of women being accepted or condoned, that doesn't make it OK, or amusing, or in any way right to dismiss an individual man's suffering. I haven't seen Oberon posting anything to suggest that because one woman mistreated him all women are bitches.

mumsamilitant · 23/09/2011 23:16

I can't do the cut and paste thing on this dinosaur of a computer. So i shall have to go take a look and type what oberon said that got my goat.

"He was simply acting out of anger"

confidence · 23/09/2011 23:23

I must admit I'm not just in disagreement, but positvely appalled by some of the comments in this thread that seek to minimise the impact of violence upon men and find excuses for it just because it is inflicted by women. I don't buy the idea that what someone says to you verbally can justify crossing the line into physical assault, and I don't see how one can claim any credibility in confining that justification to one set of people based on what genitals they have, while adamantly maintaining that it's never valid for those of opposing genitals.

I also don't buy the whole "men are stronger so it's different" line. Depending on age, physical fitness etc, it's perfectly possible to have a relationship in which the woman is stronger than the man. Fighting also has as much to do with speed, reaction time and coordination as it does with sheer muscle power. I'm an average sized bloke but I've had some girlfriends who I dare say could have given me a run for my money.

Just imagine if a man came on here and openly admitted that he regularly slapped his partner in the face, but it was "only a slap"...

solidgoldbrass · 23/09/2011 23:26

MaM, unfortunately the OP appears to have buggered off, but she didn't say what the build up to the incident was or whether her H is emotionally abusive. She said that she slapped him and has done so before, so Oberon's comment was not that unreasonable. I asked the OP whether she is in the habit of slapping other people or whether she has slapped or hit previous partners.
Domestic abusers are often able to control their violent impulses with workmates/friends/other family members (though not always, some DV perpetrators are very violent people who will hit out at anyone) - some only become (or feel entitled to become) physically aggressive to people with whom they are in a couple-relationship.

mumsamilitant · 23/09/2011 23:27

That is what I read. I know that it can happen to men.

Jellykat · 23/09/2011 23:32

Mumsamilitant, and the rest of Oberons paragraph reads..

"The only appropriate response to a slap would be to extricate oneself from the situation.. Nothing in the situation as presented justified the way he assaulted her"

You know it can happen to men.. So why have you just totally abused a male victim???

confidence You've just contradicted yourself, your post of 23:08:22 is slagging off Oberon for saying that men have as much right not to suffer DV as women do..and then you say exactly the same Confused

mumsamilitant · 23/09/2011 23:32

Solid. I'm nearly 50 and have been in many a situation. To this day, I will always profess that a man is stronger than a woman and CAN walk away, end of story.

confidence · 23/09/2011 23:35

Jellykat - I wasn't slagging off Oberon, I was being sarcastic. I thought that was obvious but sometimes the internet is a poor medium for such things. Ho hum.

Of course I believe men have as much right not to such domestic violence as women do. It's just unfortunate that I seem to be in a minority here, in that opinion.

Jellykat · 23/09/2011 23:37

mumsamilitant No a man is not always stronger then a woman, especially when Emotional Abuse that has gone on for years, leads up to the Physical Abuse..

I'm nearly 50 too, and i know Oberons story, i can't believe what you have just done Sad

mumsamilitant · 23/09/2011 23:42

JellyKat Im never too sure that they are. I'm not a man hater either. I have worked all my professional life with men. I was brought up by my father and he was the most wonderful person in the whole world, mun defected.

This is not because of some trauma that some man did.

I still reiterate that a man is stronger and should always walk away. My gorgeous hunk of a father did.

bubblegumpop · 23/09/2011 23:45

Your gorgeous hunk of a father. I think you have issues. What with the rambelling crap you have just come out with.

mumsamilitant · 23/09/2011 23:48

Jellykat, he walks away and never PUCHES! If you look at the OP's opening statement, he PUCHED her, she hit him.

Jellykat · 23/09/2011 23:48

Then how come DV against Men is on the increase?

It's never ever as simple as just saying 'Walk away'.. regardless of gender - when EA comes into play at the same time, it means fuck all what gender you are.

mumsamilitant · 23/09/2011 23:48

My partner now was physically abused by his ex... He NEVER punched her. He chose to walk away.

loning · 23/09/2011 23:48

I believe it is easier for a man to frighten a woman than vice versa in a dv situation. And, a woman who has been frightened, picked on, bullied by a man,over a sustained period, can end up, when pushed to the limit with mental abuse being present in a situation, losing control and lashing out at a man. I don't think that people, unless they have experienced it, can understand everything about it. And sometimes the physical violence can stop, but the man, from experience, can continue to use the threat of it. I think men are, generally, physically stronger than women, and it's easier for them to be more intimidating/threatening than women. I can't recall many films where when a woman slaps a man, the man then gives the woman a full blow of a punch to her face in return. I think women are generally outmatched physically by men.

mumsamilitant · 23/09/2011 23:52

Like I said, read the OP... she hit him, he PUNCHED her. I really don't have an answer to why DV against men is on the increase and it saddens me it really does.

Deuce · 23/09/2011 23:52

So, you attacked him and he retaliated.

You are both wrong but you need to look to yourself.

Deuce · 23/09/2011 23:54

Her experience of it was a punch while she felt that she merely slapped.

I would wonder what his pain felt like, did it really only feel like a slap? Or perhaps, he felt punched.