Does the violence ever stop?

[ash6605]

I find it hard to put this into words, things aren't good right now. I had my dh arrested last night, he punched me with full force in the head. I did slap him first so totally deserve it and don't know why I rang the police, I feel bad I did now, he spent the night it the cells and is out on bail now. The violence isn't a new thing it's happened before, usually me first and then he takes it too far and hits me harder. It's wrong of both of us I know that. But I love him dearly and don't want things to be this way.
Does anyone have any experience of this and did it stop, can it be overcome?

not read whole thread.

Please - hitting heads? Really? I saw a man die this summer from what appeared to be a very small head injury

Oberon

I think that mumsamilitant has your confused your quotes with opinions.

Ok oberon, there's a girl in the playground, the boy is goading, she slaps him and he PUNCHES HER IN THE FACE.

There are some very abusive people who like to goad others into attacking them, either so they can then hit back a lot harder, or make a huge drama and claim the moral high ground, because what they get off on is mentally torturing another person. While hitting is never good, if someone is backed into a corner, unable to walk away, and another person is repeatedly taunting, mocking, insulting and winding up, then most people will probably lash out or throw something eventually.
There are also people who are far too ready to get physical. The OP hasn't said whether her partner is verbally abusive, which is why I asked her if she has a previous track record of slapping partners, friends, work colleagues etc. If you have always been a peaceful person and you find that in one relationship you end up resorting to violence, then the problem is in that relationship more than it is in your own nature.

The boy had obviously violated her in some other way, a " pinch on the bottom" a tug of the hair?

mumsamilitant, I am at a loss to understand you. Your invective seems entirely unwarranted. I was trying to make the point that I don't think the OP's partner should have punched her. Have you actually read my post?

mumsamilitant

why are you drip feeding a hypothetical situation?

Thank you sgb that's very well summarised, and why I brought up my own personal experience - that yes there are people out there that do that. And it's very easy to slip into self-blame mode - after all, you hit first, you started it, you're the violent one..... until your head is an absolute mess.
Not that hitting is right, I wish I'd dumped the fucker the first time he verbally turned on me. But he seemed so nice that it didn't compute. Hey ho, hindsight.
I have no idea if this is the situation being described here. But it might be. So it would be nice if this thread gave the OP the space to explore that.

Thank you Solid,

Boney, because generally women are nurturing creatures unless damaged.

We work on instinct.

At the end of the day a man is usually big and strong and knows this, he will NEVER use this power against someone who is not. Hence a bully! He walks away.

Unless he's a dwarf and she's a shot putter

Really mumsamilitant? You might want to take a look at this thread.

That's interesting, mumsamilitant - isn't that what Oberon said?

No, really no need... I have to go because son wants his laptop back.

Parting words.

A man who hits a woman no matter what the provocation is not a MAN

Did I say otherwise?

mumsamilitant

I have been trying to think of a suitable response to your last two posts and
I really can't bring myself to discuss the stereotypes that you are promoting and appear to believe.

The bit about men who have superior strength have to be careful and have no excuse to use it... bizarre couple of xposts just then.

Gosh, Oberon, I thought she was taunting you to see if you'd lash out...

If your partner of either sex hits you, the answer is not to hit back but to get the hell out, confidence.

'But I have to say: if my wife physically assaulted me, I would retaliate without a moment's hesitation, and not feel a great deal of responsibility for being the one who decides what is proportionate or not, in the heat of the moment. Just as I wouldn't impose such responsibility on a woman who is assaulted by her husband.'

The law would hold you responsible.

Really? Self defence is a valid legal defence when one is assaulted, is it not?

I think I'll leave MN alone for a while. Apart from tonight I have found nothing but help and support here, and met someone who I now consider one of my closest and most trusted friends. There is really nothing else like it for general discussion around relationship issues.

Unfortunately, this has really upset me. Because of past issues I find it hard to deal with confrontation. I know that's my fault really, but I can't handle it. I'm still at a loss to understand what mumsamilitant was really driving at. I was under the impression that we were actually in broad agreement. Perhaps someone could point out where I was wrong, I'm not too old to learn!

OP, if you're still here, please follow up some of the resources others have posted (such as Womens Aid). No one deserves to live in fear. I did for more than twelve years and I don't think I'll ever recover. Please get yourself out of the situation. And if you do feel you have problems with anger they are fixable. But do bear in mind that SGB and xkittyx have a point.

Confidence, sorry but I think you are wrong.

Sorry, very attractive men on a womans site . Lets not bang on about her hitting lets just get back to the fact that you are the "physically stronger species" unfortunately.