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Original poster

does anyone else have a private stash of money?

181 replies

bbface · 13/08/2011 15:11

I am a SAHM, happily married.

I am due to receive a sizeable amount of money. I have told DH it is x amount, but actually I am giving my sister a few thousand pounds on the side, to keep for me without DH knowing.

I do not have any plans for it. All the rest of the money will go into the family pot. Likewise when I had an inheritance a few years ago, ALL that money went into the family pot.

I just like knowing that if I ever need my own money, I have that nest egg to fall back on. As a SAHM I occasionally feel vulnerable. DH is generous, but in arguments he has referred to things as 'my' flat, 'my' car, and that has concerned me, although said in the heat of the moment.

I feel sneaky doing this, but will do regardless.

Has anyone else done similar?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/08/2011 15:15

I dont blame you. But I dont think it is fair to burden your sister with the secret, or the responsibility either. It is also just as easy for a family feud to erupt out of nowhere, and that money be gone...

Why not put it into a savings account, in your own name, and leave the paperwork with someone else. That way there can never be any argument over whose money it is.

Or consider if this had happened the other way around, and your husband had come into money, but lied to you about it, and had kept some back, how would you feel?

Secrets have a habit of coming out, and usually with bad results when lying has gone on.

Malificence · 13/08/2011 15:22

"Happily" married people do not keep financial secrets.
Why can't you have a savings account in your own name only, with his full knowledge?

I'm sure you would be furious if you found out that he had a stash of a few thousands tucked away.

buzzsore · 13/08/2011 15:23

I agree with squeaky, not to put it in the hands of your sister. It's not fair to ask her to keep a secret for you like this and it's a temptation to dip into (if she was a bit short one month and before she knows it too much has gone to replace). There's no reason you can't set yourself up an account somewhere and manage it online, and keep it from your husband if you feel the need to.

Original poster
bbface · 13/08/2011 15:23

You make a good point squeakytoy, thanks.

My sister understands, knows I have no wicked intentions for it, just a safeguard, so happy to do this.

I would feel upset if the situation was vice versa. But my DH is in a good job with good prospects. I left a decent job, but no where near like DH, and my prospects are not great, cinsidering 5 years will have passed before I even start looking to return to work. I feel vulnerable if circumstances were to change.

We are happy and I have no reason to believe we won't be together forever. But reading mumsnet has made me realise that things can go tragically wrong. I like having the private stash so I can assert myself financially if needs be.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/08/2011 15:32

you could use it to buy premium bonds. that way you never lose the money, the bonds will be in your name, and if you win anything, it can be put into the family pot..

chris123456 · 13/08/2011 15:33

Tell your husband that you are keeping all the money because you have no private funds - I agree fully that you should have a nest egg, but keeping it secret is wrong.

Original poster
bbface · 13/08/2011 15:34

That is a bloody good idea. But can I access almost instantly? I am thinking if I ever.needed the money, fast.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 13/08/2011 15:35

Why are you thinking this way op?

Original poster
bbface · 13/08/2011 15:36

Too much to keep for myself, especially at this time in our loves... both in thirties, looking to buy family home next year.

OP posts:
Original poster
bbface · 13/08/2011 15:38

Sorry, in our lives not 'loves'.

Why am I thinking this way? Good question. SAHM, 30, lost both parents, feel vulnerable. No safety net. This money is from my beloved dad.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/08/2011 15:39

I just checked for you, and it is 8 working days, so not too long really.

chris123456 · 13/08/2011 15:39

Well keep what you want for your stash - just be open about it

lovecorrie · 13/08/2011 15:40

if only..... Sad

lightsandshapes · 13/08/2011 15:42

a secret saving account is fine- my nan used to say all women need 'running away money'..... I do ;)

Original poster
bbface · 13/08/2011 15:42

If the shit was to ever hit the fan, I could.not think... oh well, I will go and sat with parents for a bit. It would be me, alone with DS. Scares me.

This is only a back up. DH and I are happy, few tiffs every now and then, but together five year... lots of love, laughs and support. I want fam to have lion's share of money, but just.want a little stash in case the shit ever did hit the fan a la some of the mumnetters experiences.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/08/2011 15:42

I inherited money when my Mum died 3 years ago. Quite a considerable amount. Some of it was used to buy things that we needed around the house, it also paid for some very special holidays, but the bulk was put into a pension plan, in my name only. I didnt hide this from my husband, I told him I was doing it. I have no doubts that we will still be together in 25 years, but it is MY security just in case. He was absolutely fine about that.

If you are a SAHM, you could use a similar reasoning to your husband about this money. That although you are putting some into the family pot, you are going to put xxx amount into a savings account/pension plan, that you would have been contributing to if you had been out at work. He has no reasons at all to object to this.

Original poster
bbface · 13/08/2011 15:43

Lightsandshapes... do you really? What is your reasoning?

OP posts:
Original poster
bbface · 13/08/2011 15:50

Squeakytoy... we have so much coming up in terms of expenditure.Mainly buying out family home. Every penny counts at this stage, so I know DH (who is an economics whizz).will argue that at this time in our loves, we use the money where needed. He speaks sense, but I will not go into details as v dull! Anyway, pension idea couldn't work at this time.

I.think I will talk to him about pensions though, as he has poured money into his pot. Whereas mine is measley (understatement)

Thanks so so much for responses. Helping my figure this out.

OP posts:
lightsandshapes · 13/08/2011 15:54

well, I guess I'm just an independent gal, an like the thought of being able to look after myself financially if I ever need to!

Quodlibet · 13/08/2011 15:55

Similarly I see no reason to lie to your DH about it - I think it's totally rational and reasonable for you to say that you'd like your own nest egg for financial security. As you've explained very clearly to us, it's not because you fear a weakness in your marriage, just that it would make you feel more secure, as someone not currently in paid employment, to have more assets in your name. Fair enough I reckon.

lightsandshapes · 13/08/2011 15:55

p.s. it's not secret in that my DH knows about it - but it's all mine mwhahahah Grin

Horsemad · 13/08/2011 16:48

But if she put it in an account in her name only wouldn't it have to be considered as 'joint money' if anything happened, ie a divorce? It wouldn't matter whose name it was in, would it? Whereas if left with her sister, no-one would know of it's existence (apart from OP and her sis obviously).

VeryVeryVeryNumb · 13/08/2011 16:51

My Mum has always said women should have cash aside. It's sensible. If you don't have ANY income...you're at the mercy of someone else...yes youu might love your DH...we all do...but what if one day a man had some sort of breakdown...a mental health issue?

You're protecting yourself and DC. Stupid not to.

pintaloosa · 13/08/2011 16:55

I do. I've had shit happen before.

squeakytoy · 13/08/2011 17:06

But horsemad, surely that is morally wrong too. How would the OP feel if she found out her husband had done that to her. I just think some things are wrong to lie about and have a nasty habit of coming back to bite you on the arse.

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