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Original poster

does anyone else have a private stash of money?

181 replies

bbface · 13/08/2011 15:11

I am a SAHM, happily married.

I am due to receive a sizeable amount of money. I have told DH it is x amount, but actually I am giving my sister a few thousand pounds on the side, to keep for me without DH knowing.

I do not have any plans for it. All the rest of the money will go into the family pot. Likewise when I had an inheritance a few years ago, ALL that money went into the family pot.

I just like knowing that if I ever need my own money, I have that nest egg to fall back on. As a SAHM I occasionally feel vulnerable. DH is generous, but in arguments he has referred to things as 'my' flat, 'my' car, and that has concerned me, although said in the heat of the moment.

I feel sneaky doing this, but will do regardless.

Has anyone else done similar?

OP posts:
lemonandhoney · 13/08/2011 17:10

Horsemad is right, in the event of a divorce (which I assume is what's worrying you, OP) then it would be joint money, put into the pot of total assets and shared out depending on what either you agree or a court determines.

Now, obviously, if he didn't know about the money then it wouldn't be something that would be included unless you mentioned it during the divorce process (which legally you would need to).

I have mixed feelings about this. I'm fundamentally quite averse to secrets and certainly if you'd asked me this 18 months ago I would have said "no way, if you are married to someone there should be no secrets, I would never hide anything from my husband". Turns out he didn't feel the same way, and ran off with another woman. He took 50% of our joint assets with him, despite the fact most of it had been accumulated from my bonuses and a patchwork of inheritances from my side of the family.

I also strongly suspect he had been hiding money away. I will never be able to prove it, but I have lots of reasons to think his financial disclosure wasn't as honest as it should have been.

All of which leaves me wishing I'd had some money hidden away somewhere. Would come in very handy right about now. I would have felt a twinge of guilt not disclosing it (and it's illegal) but in the overall scheme of things, not the biggest crime. I trusted him 100% and it came back to haunt me. So I am not sure I would be quite as trusting again.

peppapighastakenovermylife · 13/08/2011 17:13

I don't have secret savings but I work full time in a good job. If for whatever reason I needed to run or walk away from my marriage I could. Doesnt mean I will or want to but I could and this is so important to me. I buy insurance for everything else so why not this. One in three marriages break up...

I have a number of friends who are SAHM's who are now unhappy in their relationships and don't have the option of leaving as they have no money coming in themselves and no savings.

So yes I would definitely keep some for me. Whether I would tell DH about this or not I dont know. The reason I probably wouldnt is that although he would understand and respect this I think if we both knew it would end up getting spent bit by bit...ooh we need a new kitchen...well you do have that money don't you....or can we just borrown £100 from it and pay it back...

ameliagrey · 13/08/2011 17:39

yes, I have.

DH knows I have it, but not the exact amount- though he has a rough idea.

It's an accumulation of child benefit that we saved over the years, and money that I earned.

DH earns considerably more than I ever could - pretty much 6 figures with all the benefits etc- and although I do earn a reasonable amount, I put 2/3rds into our joint account and the rest into my savings- ISAs etc- as a rainy day fund for me. I have my own savings accounts, and as i am self employed, my own bank account as well as our joint account.

I think you are being sensible- truth is you may never know when you might need it, and if you never do, use it for a lovely joint cruise in 30 years' time.

garlicbutter · 13/08/2011 17:42

Peppa's post made me think ... and, yes, now you can buy divorce insurance!

Worth discussing with DH, OP?

Jemma1111 · 13/08/2011 17:59

I would always have my own secret stash as you never know what could happen to a relationship in the future.

Op - don't even feel guilty about it, you have mentioned that your DH sometimes refers to your flat and car as 'his', how does he think saying things lke this makes you feel ?

babyhammock · 13/08/2011 18:07

Horsemad and Jemma1111 summed it up for me.
I used to be of the no secrets policy blah blah BUT..... at the end of the day, if you divorce your DH will have no problems earning. However your earning potential has been severely effected. So you stashing money is different to your DH stashing money IYSWIM.
Having children and taking time off work makes you vulnerable and you need to cover your back.

And yes and the 'my flat', 'my car' would make me a little bit wary tbh.

Horsemad · 13/08/2011 18:20

I don't hink it's the right or wrong thing to do, I was just pointing out that if it was put in an account albeit in her name, it would be classed as 'joint' in the event of a divorce.

FabbyChic · 13/08/2011 18:58

Money left to one person in a will i.e an inheritance is never considered joint in the event of a divorce.

It is only ever the receipients.

Gay40 · 13/08/2011 19:00

Get it squirrelled away. And don't feel guilty. 1 in 3 marriages don't make it, and we read EVERY DAY on here about women who thought everything was great, until it wasn't and they had fuck all in the bank.
Hopefully you'll never need it and you can have a brilliant retirement holiday!

AnnoyingOrange · 13/08/2011 19:00

I have always had my own bank account and savings in my name. But dh does know about them.

babyhammock · 13/08/2011 19:04

Sorry horsemad... didn't mean to take you out of context, just thought you made a very good point x

ameliagrey · 13/08/2011 19:07

Fabbychic- are you sure about that? I d on't think that's correct.

The moment you inherit anything, if you are married, it becomes your partner's as well.

I can't see how it is otherwise TBH as any assets are joint assets until decree absolute.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 13/08/2011 19:07

I have the bulk of our savings in my name only, DH has the bulk of our income. In practice it is all shared, and it is all in the open. If your DH really is a financial whizz he should see the sense of you both being protected in case of the unthinkable happening, whether it be divorce, serious illness, death etc, this is all part of that planning, every penny you own and earn should not be going on the mortgage, especially with only one income.

mummyosaurus · 13/08/2011 19:09

I think it's your money and you should be able to keep the lot if you want.

I have an old building society a/c, still in my maiden name with my "running away fund" in it. About £1k I think.

DH knows about it, and I've told him if he's good I'll take him with me when I run Wink

I would actually be furious if he tried to do the same. I am a SAHM too, with a very small part time job, but I have given up all my earning capacity really and he hasn't. All our savings are in my name, to pay less tax, DH doesn't have a bean.

TheBride · 13/08/2011 19:14

amelia actually (weirdly) there was a case today where the judge ruled that money inherited by the husband from his father did not form part of the divorce "estate". However, this was money inherited prior to the marriage, not during it, which I think would make a differnce

TheBride · 13/08/2011 19:27

To answer the OP,

  • I do have savings in my name only (as does DH)
  • DH does know about it, and I would tell him exact amounts if he asked
  • We have a rule between us that inheritances are 'money we never had' and the recipient is free to fritter it if they so wish (although we're both financial people so we don't- tend to buy ourselves something to remind ourselves of the person and then squirrel the rest)
HappyMummyOfOne · 13/08/2011 19:33

So you're quite happy to allow him to pay for everything and not work or contribute yourself yet when you have some money you plan to keep some of it secret? Words fail me.

If this was a man posting about not sharing money or planning to hide it a barage of posts would follow about it being "abuse".

DCSsunhill · 13/08/2011 19:35

Fabbychic, you are wrong. Inheritance is counted as joint money, even if it is inherited when you are separated.
The only way it will be kept separate is if there is plenty money to house both parties comfortably.
All inhertances form part of the marital pot. As do pensions. All is up for negotiation as part of the divorce process.

Theyremybiscuits · 13/08/2011 19:42

Whether something is in your name or not - WITHIN THE MARRIAGE - IT IS JOINT ASSET.

I was left my parents house (my inheritance) before they died. This happened 8 months into our marriage and we are now getting divorced.

He is doing his utmost to get a large percentage of MY equity from the marital home.

If you want to keep your money yours, do not tell your partner!!!!

Sad
DCSsunhill · 13/08/2011 19:52

Theyremybiscuits, what a nightmare. I bet he's in the background changing his and his parents will. I can relate completely. Chin up.

Theyremybiscuits · 13/08/2011 20:01

DC Yes it is a complete nightmare.

I removed the DC and moved myself and them elsewhere as the marriage had become intolerable and he would not leave my home.

He now lives part of the time at his GF's house and part at the marital home (my house) with her.

He has lied to the court and taken out a court order against me (!) so I can't go near my own home. Words fail me.

notahappycamper · 13/08/2011 20:03

HappyMummyOf One - so you think a SAHM doesnt contribute? Or is it just financially?
OP - I'm in this position now - no money and it is all consuming :( . His financial problems have scarred us all. But thanks to advice from other MNers I now have a secret account and the grand sum of £50 in it - it feels like I have won the lottery and I intend to add to it. You must feel somewhere that you need to keep it a secret so trust that gut instinct and do it.
Good luck

Original poster
bbface · 13/08/2011 20:03

Thank you all so much for your feedback.

I am going to go ahead and do this. I love my DH and I am happy, however having lost my parents I just feel I have no safety net whatsoever if anything did happen. I am genuinely optimistic my DH and I will last the distance, and I love the thought of surprising him in 25 years with a lavish cruise or fancy car, but until then - it is my little safety net if the worst did happen. My DH would continue life as normal, continuing his upward trajectory in his already successful career. Me? I would be screwed.

Happymumofone? Words escape me having read your post. Actually, I will give it a good go. "I am happy not to work or contribute myself"????? What planet are you on? I am a SAHM, raising our DS and soon hopefully pregnant with another. I 'work' bloody hard bringing up our gorgeous boy, ensuring we have a nice house, tasty food, admin sorted etc etc. How dare you imply I am some sort of scrounger off my husband. How bloody dare you!

OP posts:
mad4mainecoons · 13/08/2011 20:04

OP,

i have running away money too! which i add too as and when i can because i also am mostly SAHM, small earnings of my own from part time job which would not be enough to care for me and dc if anything were to happen.

DH and i are "happily" married but i am very aware that we live in HIS family home and everything we have is tied to HIS buisiness, he has his own savings too. i hate the feeling that im dependant on him and could not leave if i chose to so thats why i have my account - mine was a family windfall too which DH mentioned several times about me putting in the family pot, i decided not to - maybe im savvy? maybe im not as happily married as he is Sad

i think you are wise to have a back up plan.

AurraSing · 13/08/2011 20:09

My DH knows I have an account on my name, but doesn't know how much is in it. It's always good to have a plan b.

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