does anyone else have a private stash of money?

[bbface]

I am a SAHM, happily married.

I am due to receive a sizeable amount of money. I have told DH it is x amount, but actually I am giving my sister a few thousand pounds on the side, to keep for me without DH knowing.

I do not have any plans for it. All the rest of the money will go into the family pot. Likewise when I had an inheritance a few years ago, ALL that money went into the family pot.

I just like knowing that if I ever need my own money, I have that nest egg to fall back on. As a SAHM I occasionally feel vulnerable. DH is generous, but in arguments he has referred to things as 'my' flat, 'my' car, and that has concerned me, although said in the heat of the moment.

I feel sneaky doing this, but will do regardless.

Has anyone else done similar?

[Gay40]

I think privancy and secrecy are different things. I'm all for privacy in marriage, but not secrecy.
I do wonder about people who don't think privacy is an entitlement. They probably share a mobile phone too. And a personality.
Heaven forbid one should receive a text without the other person knowing.

[Malificence]

It was that kind of view on privacy/secrecy that enabled my ex-BIL to end up with £300k and my sister to end up with less than £100k, 75% of which is tied up in a pension which means she can't access it now when she really needs it, she could be dead in 6 years before she is 65 and that pension will be gone as she cant leave it to anyone .

Are you seriously saying Didyousee, that your wife knows nothing about your stash? Why do you even need to keep it hidden? Presumably you work full time and could support yourself should you split with her, what about her, has she got a career or has she got the far more important job of full time mum?
You do realise that you seem like a hideously selfish human being from what you are writing? What if you got hit by a bus tomorrow and that money got taken to the tip with all the other loft junk ? How can you look her in the eyes when you know the secret you are keeping from her? Anyone who can live with that level of secrecy is not in a good relationship, it's truly vile.

Let me make it clear that I'm only talking about joint assets in a long term marriage, not a second family situation where two people have come from other relationships with children and assets that do need protection. That's a different ballgame altogether and I can see the need for separate finances in those circs.

[Malificence]

Keeping large amounts of money hidden from your spouse ( with no good reason) is not privacy, it's fraud.

[ameliagrey]

What do you mean by fraud?

[Chandon]

I have a "running away fund". I stops me from feeling trapped when things are bad (and in a 15 year marriage, we've had a few lows. I have been in the situation where I had PND, lived abroad far from parents and friends, and DH told me to just pull myself the fuck together. I then realised that if I wanted to leave (which I did then, I had nowhere to go, and no money to pay for anywhere to stay.) So I figured I never wanted to be in that situation again.)

It's not a big secret, DH knows I have a separate savings account, but he doesn't know exactly how much.

[HPonEverything]

My mum had a secret bank account for years, and only recently she accepted she's never going to leave my dad and needed to do something with the money without my dad knowing (as he would obviously not be happy about her stashing it away). So she gave it all away which was a nice little windfall for me and my bro, but no way could I have kept it secret from my DH. However, we ALL have to keep it secret from my dad. Such a tangled web.

I couldn't do it myself, though I can see why you would as a lot of your OP rings true to me too. However I couldn't live with the stress of the secret coming out.

[ameliagrey]

I think the no privacy/ no secrecy thing is amusing. Why? Because secrecy is something that can only be proven with hindsight.

I have a friend whose marriage was going tits up and she didn't earn. What she did was buy various white goods and keep then at friends' houses, pending stting up on her own; they didn't divorce in the end, so she then had to slowly incorporate what she had bought into the family home.

[Malificence]

After reading some other choice comments by didyousee on other threads, I can only conclude that he's on a wind up mission - no decent man with a wife and child that they actually loved would ever make a dispicable comment like the one he did on the current breastfeeding thread on AIBU.

If you are real, I pity your poor wife.

[didyouseewhatshedid]

Im not on a bloody wind up malificence. I keep the stash for all sorts of reasons. We have a good standard of living and the missis wks part time so it isnt like anybody goes without. BTW - bringing in other threads is a below the belt move, it really is.

[didyouseewhatshedid]

Oh, and what are ya talking about with this fraud thing? Methinks you bin on the afternoon brandy.

[MorrisZapp]

I wish I did have a stash. Too skint at the mo.

This kind of thing didn't bother me before Ds was born but now I crave some kind of independent, secret life that is only for me.

I think I understand now why wacked out women go shoplifting for jammy dodgers - I feel like I want to do something like that too. It's hard to explain.

I have fantasies of winning money and keeping some back for myself.

I'm happy with DP but we have separate finances and I don't know how much is in his account - more then mine, anyway.

I wouldn't dream of asking him. When DS goes to school (in 4 years!) I will start saving for myself. Nowt wrong with it.

[AurraSing]

I might search the loft on the off chance that didyousee is my dp.

[Ephiny]

Just imagining dozens of MN women all heading up to their lofts tonight just in case! .

Hmm, maybe I should have a look before DP gets home, you never know!

[elastamum]

I understand where Mal is coming from but if it wasnt for my private funds we would have been totally screwed when ex left and could have lost our house, had to take kids out of school etc. I figure that as I had the savings before we met, that it was mine to keep.

Before I gave up my high paid job to run a business with my ex I was the main breadwinner. Fast forward 10yrs I was on my own, no income, in an area where I knew no one with 2 small children.

Now I am back employed I have made sure we have an emergency fund. As I have no one else to rely on, this money is my security so if anything goes badly wrong, illness, unemployment etc we can stay afloat. Having been burnt once, if I had a new partner I would still keep my private emergency funds private.

[Malificence]

I think it's pertinent to point out the absolutely vile and disgusting comment you made on the other thread Didyousee, it shows you up as the hideous human being you obviously are, you're not fit to be a husband or father with views like that.
It's 10,000 times worse that your wife is a p/t worker with regards to your stash - you really are a piece of work.

[EternalPie]

Must admit, when I said everyone should keep a private stash I meant up to around £5k

£17k is taking the piss.

[didyouseewhatshedid]

Malificence you really are on my case. Anyways, if anybody is curious, all I said was that I wouldnt want my wife to breastfeed in public (not that it was ever an issue - the boy had the bottle). But hypothetically.
The missis does ok - she has plenty.

[upahill]

I think it is just as important, if not more to have your own pension plan. Even SAHM need one just the same as anyone else.

[gettingeasier]

Votes for private stash and wonders at charmed lives anyone else must have lived to judge someone else for wanting one.

[WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes]

Although I have said upthread that my DH is aware of my savings, it is a different situation to the OP in that there is no pressure on me to use it to buy a house, also I control the entire household finances, he hasn't got a clue how much is where apart from his own current account and my parents are alive, fit and healthy and nearby. If I was in the OP's position, and having read all this thread, I would probably be going for the secret option too.

[EightiesChick]

Pension's a good idea, and fair, but the problem's liquidity. I'd say keep a few hundred quid hidden somewhere (the loft?) for absolute emergencies when only cash will do. Also maybe get a premium bond, as mentioned earlier, but also get a credit card in your name only that you either pay off in full every month (or spend nothing on at all) which then you could use if needede while waiting to withdraw premium bond money.

OP, does your DH give you housekeeping/spending money, do you have a joint account that you withdraw it from, or what? You said he was 'generous' which sounds a bit like he doles it out at his pleasure even if the amount is generous. Do you both get to spend money purely on yourselves (even if a restricted amount given house buying)? Do you get to take an active part in the family finances or does DH do it all?

[didyouseewhatshedid]

Surely the secret stash option has the added benefit of adding an element of excitement and mischief into one's otherwise humdrum life?

[HPonEverything]

I stash money, and on speaking to my DH about this thread last night he totally agreed it's the right thing to do. It won't be long til I'm in the OP's position of not having much of a salary of my own.

The difference to the OP is that he knows I have a separate amount of money, and I know he has some too. Neither of us really know how much the other has, but it gives us that comfort factor for if something did happen - we'd have money we could instantly access.

Also I think it's a good idea to have various sources of accessing money because if your house burned or blew down and you suddenly needed to access money to get clothes and a bed for the night, there's a few options.

Given what you've said here OP, I say go for it.

[lemonandhoney]

As soon as your spouse knows it exists, it isn't going to yours when it comes to divorce and splitting assets, even if they don't know the exact amount. Obviously even if you've kept it secret, you should disclose it in the event of a divorce and you'd be in contempt of court if you didn't, but it's hard to go looking for something you can't prove exists, and short of hiring a forensic accountant, I don't know where the spouse would start. I speak from experience - as I said upthread, I am sure my ex had been stashing money away, but couldn't prove it, and therefore there was no way of including it in the divorce settlement.

Would I hide money if I got married again? I'd think very carefully about protecting myself, certainly. Maybe a pre-nup. Or putting assets into the children's names (though I think that would in some circumstances be taken into account). And I would, without any doubt, have some emergency cash hidden in my knicker drawer. Because life has shown me that you never know what's just round the corner, and it isn't a bad idea to be prepared for all eventualities. It's certainly a lesson I will be passing on to my daughters.

[OneMoreChap]

Wow.
I'd be deeply offended if DW had a secret stash.

XW in our very fair settlement in which she got the house, [that I'd paid for (by working 2 jobs, the second of which paid less than she gave her secret cleaner),] and a current account with £23k, and where I got the £9k debts - and since she was never a SAHM had her job etc... also had a wee secret stash of another £30k. By the time I discovered this through the court process... it had been "spent" in cash withdrawals.

EternalPie I'm one of those men who didn't bounce back, borrowing yet more on cards to pay my lawyer, mother to get my flat deposit...

Now, I'm OK.

We have joint accounts, joint savings, individual accounts, individual savings... but no secrets.

Oh, and what's the crack about referring to other threads? I nearly got a new one ripped for referring to one thread in another....

I trust all of you recommending a secret stash to other women approve of men doing the same. Because if not... you're hypocrites.