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Original poster

does anyone else have a private stash of money?

181 replies

bbface · 13/08/2011 15:11

I am a SAHM, happily married.

I am due to receive a sizeable amount of money. I have told DH it is x amount, but actually I am giving my sister a few thousand pounds on the side, to keep for me without DH knowing.

I do not have any plans for it. All the rest of the money will go into the family pot. Likewise when I had an inheritance a few years ago, ALL that money went into the family pot.

I just like knowing that if I ever need my own money, I have that nest egg to fall back on. As a SAHM I occasionally feel vulnerable. DH is generous, but in arguments he has referred to things as 'my' flat, 'my' car, and that has concerned me, although said in the heat of the moment.

I feel sneaky doing this, but will do regardless.

Has anyone else done similar?

OP posts:
missymayhemsmum · 15/08/2011 20:07

I work for a local Credit Union. believe me, lots of happily married women have a private account, and some prefer to pick up their statements rather than have them sent. For some it's running away money, for others it's because if DH knew he'd spend it, for some it's just not to be totally financially dependent. And lots of SAHMs squirrel little bits of cash away from the housekeeping each week so they can treat the family if they choose, or even treat DH occasionally. And always have. I'm not sure it's a bad thing, but don't burden your sis with it, and do you really have to lie about it?

ImperialBlether · 15/08/2011 20:29

Steelchic - I couldn't agree with you more. My ex husband has had a holiday abroad each year since we split up. He took the children once and vowed never to again because they insisted on wearing black hoodies on the beach! He said to me, "Do you realise how much they eat?" Oh no, I hadn't noticed, really! That was his only week with them in eleven years and I don't know how he's not ashamed to tell them about his holidays.

And don't even get me on his car!

tadpoles · 15/08/2011 20:55

"Surely, if it is nothing else, marriage is an open partnership between two people, where secrets really should not exist."

I just don't agree. I would never pry into anyone else's financial affairs - even my partners. In any case, every relationship is different and I am not sure there are any 'shoulds'.

I think, in a good marriage or relationship, there should be respect for privacy - if you look at the threads on here, so many of the relationship problems are about a partner not respecting boundaries. People (esp men - sorry to generalise) think that, because they are 'married' they have a right to dictate what their partner should or shouldn't do. Err - no! You do not give up your human rights when you get married (well - you do in some countries....)

Judging by some of the other comments, there are quite a few women who have taken the transparency route, only to end up bitterly regretting it.

Sorry to make gender generalisations, but I think this 'total transparency' thing is a female trait. As other posters have commented, men are very good at looking after their own interests.

flatbellyfella · 15/08/2011 21:13

I thought my marriage was a forever thing,
Any spare money's we had I was happy
for o/h to save it in her name for 35
years ,she started taking separate
holidays with a widowed friend of hers
to USA Canada Cuba then one day when
our washing machine died she said she could
not afford to buy a new one ,so I went out and
Bought a new one with a small amount of
cash that I had saved .
A few weeks later I
was looking in our underfloor safe that I
had installed after a burglary & found a
brown envelope containing 15 different
Building Society books with a total of
£22,000 in them,all in her name ,I didn't
know how to react to what I saw as betrayal so
said nothing . From that time she became
distant cold started drinking gin as though
it was water , wouldn't talk to me,then out
of the blue , the day my first granddaughter
was born I received her divorce petition
All a pack of lies.
Another visit to the safe revealed all of the
Savings we had were now gone ,where,
I have no idea. She would not say.
I am now 3 years down the line trying to
figure out why she self destructed our
marriage and blew every thing away.
Be careful with secret stash of money.

Malificence · 15/08/2011 21:22

If you are married then all monies are joint in the eyes of the law, it doesn't matter if the money is in seperate accounts - if you split then it is all taken into account when making a settlement.
Unless someone is in an abusive marriage and is planning an escape, nothing justifies keeping financial secrets.
I think the opposite to Tadpoles - in a good marriage, there is no privacy/secrecy.

Women ( it is generally women who give up work/go part time) are more at risk by not knowing their husband's financial situation when it comes to savings/pensions etc.
If my sister hadn't have known about my ex-BIL's massive pension, she wouldn't have got half of it because he is the type to break the law in order to preserve what he would judge to be his money.
He left her with nothing, half his pension was the only thing she walked away from 25 years of marriage with when she finally tracked him down after he did a disappearing act for 2 years and left her practically bankrupt.

abbscrosswoman · 15/08/2011 22:14

I understand your point Tadpoles that all relationships are different, but I have a rather conformist traditional view of marriage, and OP states that she is 'happily married'.

Maybe, as I said in an earlier post, I am a little idealistic about the 'honourable state', but I still hold that as Mal has said 'in a good marriage there is no privacy/secrecy'. I strongly think that the risk to the trust that underpins any relationship should be understood if OP intends to pursue her intentions.

I would be a lot more pragmatic about a marriage/ relationship that was heading for failure, but this is not what OP has said...............

didyouseewhatshedid · 15/08/2011 22:21

I have a small stash of actual cash which I keep in the loft for just in case things go tits up - probably about 17k tops. If you're going to do these things make sure it's cash. Wink

toptramp · 15/08/2011 22:29

I think that it's very sensible to have a stsh for yourself. I do not think it is a big deal if your dp dosn't know about it. It's your money; do what you want with it and if you want to keep it a secret fair play to you. You never know when you might need it. It dosn't even have to be a get out clause; just some money for yourself is empowering.

toptramp · 15/08/2011 22:29

stash sorry.

ImperialBlether · 15/08/2011 22:30

Didyousee - do you think £17K is a small stash?

toptramp · 15/08/2011 22:35

I also believe that some secrets in relationships ARE necessary. Human nature even (or especially) in love is not always predictable and rational.

babyhammock · 15/08/2011 22:42

All respect Didyousee.... but make sure its safe up there won't you.

lol at 17k being a small stash too Wink...

In any relationship, you never know what is round the corner. If you're the more financially vulnerable one in a relationship and you have kids to think of, it just makes sense to me to cover your back. Just because you have it doesn't mean you're planning on running... its just a safety net if the worse happens.

AurraSing · 15/08/2011 22:45

didyousee do you really have £17 grand hidden in the loft? What if your dp finds it? What if there is a fire? What does £17000 look like in cash?

Too many questions, I know. Grin

WannabeaShootingStar · 15/08/2011 23:18

I hide cash in my knicker drawer, think there is about £140 in there at the moment :)

Malificence · 16/08/2011 08:11

£17k squirrelled away in a small stash - of course you do. Hmm
Nice attitude to your wife you have there.

My DH has got a stash in his sock drawer, he sticks £20 a week in there for holiday spends and the like - the thing is that I know about it though, and I've just taken £200 out of it to pay for DD's car MOT, with his full knowledge of course - that's what good relationships are like Wink

ChitChattingaway · 16/08/2011 08:31

If you have an amount of money in a private savings account, and if everything goes horrible wrong with the marriage, then you have instant access to it.

Given that divorces and asset separations can take well over a year to sort out, that gives PLENTY of time to remove the money from that private account. Unless it's in the hundreds of thousands, simply stating that you have been living on that money would pretty much justify it's non existence, even if you didn't! You could just empty it out and have it as cash somewhere.

didyouseewhatshedid · 16/08/2011 08:46

If there was a fire, I would be fucked Aurra. I won about half at the bookies, the rest just sneaked away over time. Lol at Malificence cynicism.

babyhammock · 16/08/2011 09:06

Get a fire proof box for it .... or a safety deposit box at the bank.... please put it somewhere safe. Hope you get to enjoy it one day (preferably with other half lol).... remember its no good stuck in a box forever Wink

Malificence · 16/08/2011 11:03

Anyone with £17k stashed away without their partner's knowledge, deserves to be taken to the cleaners quite frankly - it's a horrific attitude towards partnership and marriage, well at least when you coming from the standpoint of a good relationship.
It's hardly a small stash either, it would pay half our mortgage off!

I hope she finds it and spends the lot.

upahill · 16/08/2011 11:26

I have money (only a couple of thousand)
Dh is aware that I have an account -it's one from when I was a kid and part of my salary goes into it and the majority of my salary goes into the joint account.
He doesn't know (or care) how much is in there. Sometimes it's only a couple of hundred and sometimes it's a couple of thousand.

A few years ago when we were having a bad time out financially it helped us out.

Every now and again I will offer to buy something for the house or towards the building work but DH always says 'no, it's your secret stash!!'

Last week I counted how much was in my ' money box' This is just a tub where I put the odd fiver or tenner in and I have £380 that I have saved since the beginning of June.
I'll use that next week when I take the kids away for a few days.

didyouseewhatshedid · 16/08/2011 11:56

I'm starting to like you Malificence...! She will never find it - she never goes up there tbh

abbscrosswoman · 16/08/2011 12:35

I agree with Mal and I don't think either party in a marriage that concurs with what DYSWSD has done, understands the true nature of the committment (sp) they have made to each other.

Why get married if you want to act like a singleton ? Makes no sense to me......

tadpoles · 16/08/2011 12:48

"there is no privacy" in a good marriage - are you serious? Since when did getting married mean giving away one's right to one's own identity? Some people who are married don't even live in the same house as each other and they like it that way! Each to their own.

Who are these "marriage police" anyway - I mean, what entitles someone to tell other people how they should conduct their marriages? Surely that is up to the people in the relationship or the marriage?

My partner considers that any money I have inherited is mine to do as I chose with. As it happens, I chose to spend it on our family - but that is my choice.

Everyone is entitled to privacy, if they wish.

elastamum · 16/08/2011 12:58

I had a fair bit of money stashed away from prior to my marriage. It meant I could afford to keep us all whilst looking for a job after my ex left us. Because of that my kids are able to stay in their school and we kept the house.

I never thought it would all go tits up for me in quite as spectacular way as it did. You never know.

boudiccasSideKick · 16/08/2011 12:59

My mum always used to say... "A Woman Should Have 2 Purses"!