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Original poster

does anyone else have a private stash of money?

181 replies

bbface · 13/08/2011 15:11

I am a SAHM, happily married.

I am due to receive a sizeable amount of money. I have told DH it is x amount, but actually I am giving my sister a few thousand pounds on the side, to keep for me without DH knowing.

I do not have any plans for it. All the rest of the money will go into the family pot. Likewise when I had an inheritance a few years ago, ALL that money went into the family pot.

I just like knowing that if I ever need my own money, I have that nest egg to fall back on. As a SAHM I occasionally feel vulnerable. DH is generous, but in arguments he has referred to things as 'my' flat, 'my' car, and that has concerned me, although said in the heat of the moment.

I feel sneaky doing this, but will do regardless.

Has anyone else done similar?

OP posts:

BrandyAlexander · 14/08/2011 08:00

OP, do you and dh have both joint accounts and separate accounts? In this day and age I firmly believe that every couple irrespective of working status of each parent should have at least 6 bank accounts between. Each individual should have both a current and savings account and as a couple you should have a joint current account (for the household bills) and a joint savings account. Dh and I also have a joint credit card (99% of our spending goes there) and individual credit cards (eg presents to each other go on these). You and dh should have the same amount of cash to spend after bills paid and savings made so foolish and YABU to say that he is "generous" just as he is being VVV unreasonable to refer to anything as "his".

My PIL also do the same I WOHM but MIL has always been a SAHM. She has 3 reasons for organising everything this way. 1. She may not have worked but she contributes equally in a non-financial way 2. She has a personal allowance and it would be silly waste of tax if some investments weren't in her name and 3. If anything happens to her dh she needs to be able to access money and carry on and not have accounts frozen etc. My PIL are millionaires and while FIL has earned it all, he respects MIL way to much to ever dare refer to anything as his. FIL is generous in that out of his pile of cash he always treats MIL to lovely things but he isn't holding all the cash in the first place. They have been together 45 years so they must be doing something right.

EttiKetti · 14/08/2011 08:02

I don't, I wouldn't, but something that stuck out...if your DH is thinking about your pension, why doesn't he pay into one for you from now?

ameliagrey · 14/08/2011 08:24

novice I don't think you can say how many accounts a couple should have.

Surely it depends on how much cash they have anyway? many families have nothing left to save.

When DH and I married we had both been working for ages anyway, so we both had our own accounts and savings accounts, so we kept these.

We added to this by having a joint current account.

We don't have the formal arrangement you describe simply because we have never felt the need. For many years DH earned the lion's share so his salary covered everything, and my income was an extra, which was paid into our current account.

As the kids have grown up, I have worked more so things have gradually changed. I now putt 2/3rds of my income into our current account, but the rest goes into another account I have really as savings for tax ( I am s/e.)
If there is any excess in there, I syphon it off and use up my ISA allowance.

I have a tiny pension from my previous employment, but stand to sahre DH's whatever, and as that's a final salary one it is very generous.

We never had enough money when we were younger to build up a private pension for me, but nowadays young people should start as soon as possible.

BrandyAlexander · 14/08/2011 09:18

amelia, I said "I firmly believe". ie my opinion. If a couple have savings (as the OP and her dh do) then yes, I do believe that they should have a mixture of individual and joint accounts. Obviously every couple shouldn't have different accounts if they're just about making it to the end of the month. That was more my point, rather than saying that everyone should have savings.

BrandyAlexander · 14/08/2011 09:18

Original poster

bbface · 14/08/2011 09:29

Yes, I do intend to keep 'secret'. Primarilly because if I do not keep secret, then there is very good use that the money could be put to - towards our family home deposit.

Chasing Squirrels ... I immediately mentioned to DH. He said 'interesting, pls send me the link and perhaps we can progress'.

He would be appalled if he knew I was posting this on Mumsnet. Pls could you tell me how I can confirm what you say. Thanks
xx

OP posts:

ChasingSquirrels · 14/08/2011 10:19

scroll down to "what happens if you don't pay tax.
My figures were slightly out, you put in £2,880.

Original poster

bbface · 14/08/2011 10:27

Thanks so so much

OP posts:

Ephiny · 14/08/2011 10:40

Depends what you mean by 'private' - I have my own savings account, as does DP, but we don't keep them secret from each other. I find that an odd thing to do, unless the relationship is abusive.

I think you're doing the right thing in talking about pensions and your financial situation. No one really wants to think about planning for 'what if we divorce' or 'what if something happens to one of us', but sadly these things do happen and there's no point having your head in the sand. I think you make a very good point about SAHM-ing for you being the equivalent of his job, and wanting to have pensions etc sorted out just as he does.

Iteotwawki · 14/08/2011 10:53

novice - your multiple account system may work for you and your PiL but it wouldn't work for everyone (myself included) so you're a little arrogant saying what everyone should have. We have one joint account (includes mortgage, everything goes into it), one joint credit card (for daily spending, gets cleared at the end of the month) and one joint savings account (currently empty as all spare cash is in the joint mortgage/current account).

If my husband inherited money and put some into the family pot and some aside in a secret stash I'd be very unhappy if I ever found out. It would probably be a deal breaker for me. We talked about this - trying to keep financial secrets would be one for him too.

BrandyAlexander · 14/08/2011 12:43

iteotwawki, are you telling me I am arrogant for expressing an opinion you don't agree with? Oh the irony.

Indenturedserf · 14/08/2011 13:56

I don't have a secret account as such but I do have a savings account in my name only.

ameliagrey · 14/08/2011 14:23

Iteotwawki

Did you have your own account before you and your DH got married? I think that makes all the difference.

I would have felt I was going back to th dark ages had I closed down my symbols of independence ( own bank accounts) when I married aged 30.

I got rid of a credit card then, and for years we had joint ones- then I realised that in law, and due to data protection, I could not even query the statement without the main holder's permission ( my DH) so last year I applied for my own, especially as my earnings had risen.

I think you are being unfair to novice- she made a suggestion and I suspect you are reacting out of envy.

I also think you are being very judgemental. All the OP is doing is putting a small amount aside for the unexpected, which as a non-earning person is sensible. it's unlikely she will touch it, but it's there "just in case".

On the otherhand, I know of two men who were fleeced by their ex wives; they plundered the joint accounts and fled. so it can work both ways.

carmenelectra · 14/08/2011 14:30

I would open the account but i would tell my dp. No need to keep it a secret. Then if you have any more silly rows where he comments on what is his, you can remind him that you actually have your own cash.

My dp as lovely as he is would probably occasionally comment if he was the only wage earner and i was a SAHM. I think unless you are absolutely loaded and can afford to spend what you like, its only natural that you feel you have the right to say where 'your' money goes, even if you OH stays at home and looks after the children.

I like the fact that i earn my own money, even though technically we share both our incomes.

EternalPie · 14/08/2011 14:47

I did when I was with my ex. I saved up £2k secretly and boy did I need every penny when we split. Without it, I would've ended up homeless.

No matter how much you love and trust someone - you NEVER know what is going on in another person's head and they could leave you at any time - IMO you ALWAYS need a personal "stash" of money to fall back on.

babyhammock · 14/08/2011 17:36

I agree with EternalPie, and I think peoples perspectives are very different if they've had their fingers burned.
Now, if I was in a much less favourable position earning wise (as alot of SAHMs are because they're the ones who have made career sacrifices) I would defo try to have a stash safely away somewhere just in case. And no one would know....

tadpoles · 14/08/2011 20:47

I don't get this no secrets stuff - the money that the OP has inherited is entirely her own business. She is under no obligation to tell her partner or anyone else about it, unless she wants to. I couldn't stand it if my partner told me every single thing - I think he is entitled to his privacy. I would never pry into his financial affairs, unless they directly affected me in a negative way. Just because the OP is married, it does not mean that she forfeits her right to her privacy, or her own private inheritance. Please - let's not go back to the days where a married woman was effectively 'owned' by her husband and had no right to her own money - pleeeeeeease!!

abbscrosswoman · 14/08/2011 21:10

A very modern point of view Tadpoles, although I am not sure I agree.

Surely, if it is nothing else, marriage is an open partnership between two people, where secrets really should not exist. Maybe this too idealistic but how would you feel, OP, if your DH were to do what you are proposing ?

I think it would be naive to think that such secrets wouldn't be discovered one way or another................and in a divorce situation you would be unwise to try to deceive the court.

Original poster

bbface · 14/08/2011 21:15

As I have said, I would feel upset if the situation was vice versa and I found out DH had put aside some money secretly. However I would also be very intrigued... why is a man in a good job, earning good money, with good prospects, putting aside money.

Whereas I am not in a good job (SAHM), do not earn any money (let alone good money!) and do not have good prospects.

So if the tables were truly turned, and it was my hubby in my situation - I probably would be more understanding if I found out. Whereas if I found out DH in current situation was doing what I intend to do, then yes - I would be upset, alarmed and concerned.

OP posts:

babyhammock · 14/08/2011 21:28

exactly bbface... your sitch and your hubby's sitch are entirely different.
Give some money to your sis to look after and tell no one x

abbscrosswoman · 14/08/2011 21:50

Well, as you have said you would not only intrigued but also be upset, alarmed and concerned, if the positions were to be reversed.

May I suggest that the most troubling aspect would be the lack of honesty that you would expect in your relationship. I am not sure how much that would really diminish even if you were the one with more economic weight in your relationship.

Once trust has been compromised in just about any relationship in this life, that relationship is at significant risk of ending.

Why not just be open about it ? If your DH is the great guy you say he is, would he not understand the importance of this issue to you...........and indulge you even if he doesn't completely get it ?

steelchic · 15/08/2011 00:50

bbface, I think you are right to do this. I have a friend who has done this, when she told me I disagreed with her as I thought you should be 100% open and honest in a relationship and everything should be shared. BUT I now wish I had done the same because it turns out that my H has been hiding / skimming money from our accounts. This enabled him to rent a house (without my knowledge,) move his GF in and now she's pregnant and they have bought a house together. So yes I think women should have a secret account to fall back on - I wish I had

Original poster

bbface · 15/08/2011 06:51

Steelchic... I have read your story. Very sorry to read what you are going through, thanks for your comment.

Abscrosswoman...I have said this a few times. We are at a time in our lives when we have lots things to buy. We are saving for a deposit on our first home mainly. If we were not saving so hard, then I probably would be honest. Given the situation, I am not going to tell.

OP posts:

EternalPie · 15/08/2011 09:22

I would assume he's doing the same thing anyway. IME the men always seem to miraculously land on their feet instantly after a divorce whilst the woman is left scraping by on bare bones. I suspect most men have a stashed away fund.

steelchic · 15/08/2011 19:43

Eternalpie - I think your spot on most of they guys I know that have divorced/seperated seem to have landed on their feet, still have nights out drive flash cars, season tickets for football etc - whilst complaining that their EX's are taking them to the cleaners (or in other words claiming child support)

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