does anyone else have a private stash of money?

[bbface]

I am a SAHM, happily married.

I am due to receive a sizeable amount of money. I have told DH it is x amount, but actually I am giving my sister a few thousand pounds on the side, to keep for me without DH knowing.

I do not have any plans for it. All the rest of the money will go into the family pot. Likewise when I had an inheritance a few years ago, ALL that money went into the family pot.

I just like knowing that if I ever need my own money, I have that nest egg to fall back on. As a SAHM I occasionally feel vulnerable. DH is generous, but in arguments he has referred to things as 'my' flat, 'my' car, and that has concerned me, although said in the heat of the moment.

I feel sneaky doing this, but will do regardless.

Has anyone else done similar?

[AurraSing]

Happymummyofone - did you mean to say that?

[Theyremybiscuits]

AurraSing if you divorce, you have to declare EVERYTHING financial.

If he knows you have something, then it's not entirely yours.

Just warning people.

Even if it's in your name - if you're married - it's not all yours.

[AurraSing]

theyremybiscuits I might have two accounts

[TheGoddessBlossom]

I do have funds of my own but only because I earn my own money so slightly different sitch.

I call it my 'running away with my Greek man' account. Joking Obviously (sort of)

[WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes]

It's not so much about when you divorce though is it, it's emergency spending money for if you have to leave in a hurry. By the time it gets to divorce, yes it would have to be declared, but it is good to have money in a non joint account that you can access in an emergency and that your other half can't withdraw.

[SpareRoomSleeper]

happyoneofmum - She may not be contributing financially but she is contributing in many other (and often more difficult) ways as a SAHM. To flip your argument, its ok for her to spend her entire day cleaning and making the house a home for him, but when it comes down to it, its his house?

OP, I think your plan is sensible. I know how insecure you feel when you lose a parent; I dont want to think about how it would feel to lose both and then have nowhere to turn to as a first port of call when disaster strikes. I have always turned to my parents in times like this, and have always been welcomed and looked after with open arms. I'd hate to imagine how it would feel without that security there [sad..and then having the added worry of having no funds to get myself out of a messy situation.

[suburbophobe]

bb, have not read the whole thread, but has your husband not given you a savings account?

If not, why not, my dad gave my mum one, you never know what will happen.
At least he made sure she (and us) were provided for.

And why have you not made sure you are provided for - time for that now...

[Theyremybiscuits]

Aurrasing - Excellent!

[CotesduRhone]

Always have fuck-off money, as my lovely mum would say. I think you're completely correct to do this. No matter how good any relationship is, I think all women, but particularly SAHMs, have to keep a very clear head about finances.

[ameliagrey]

TMBS you said this: Whether something is in your name or not - WITHIN THE MARRIAGE - IT IS JOINT ASSET I was left my parents house (my inheritance) before they died. This happened 8 months into our marriage and we are now getting divorced.

He is doing his utmost to get a large percentage of MY equity from the marital home.

If you want to keep your money yours, do not tell your partner!!!!


unfortunately, if couples do divorce, they are supposed to tell the courts/layers what their assets are.

I have a considerable amount of savings: although this is a security blanket for me in case of need, I would not, nor could not, hang onto it if we divorced as my DH knows I have it ( but not the precise amount) and I would be made to declare it all as part of a settlement.

If anyone has any savings which they keep secret I am not sure where they would stand in law re. divorce.

[ameliagrey]

Sorry theyremybiscuits i only saw your 1st post and thought you meant that women/men could keep secret stashes of money which could not be split in case of divorce.

[Willowisp]

It's nothing to do with not being happily married, I think you are very wise to keep the money safe - you never know what might happen in the future, please don't be made to feel bad about it.

[mamalovesmojitos]

I think it's a good idea, mostly because you are in a much more vulnerable position financially if you were to split. A bit negative and dishonest, I know, but I've seen enough Oprah episodes with sahms left in the lurch when their marriages fell apart. Awful stuff.

[Saffysmum]

Before she died nearly 13 years ago, when I was happily married, my nan told me to put a little by every week "for the future". Even if it was only a couple of quid. Because I worshipped the ground she walked on I did, without question.

13 years later it's still there. Some weeks I've put just a pound in, other weeks, twenty quid.

And now I'm going through a costly divorce, and every night when I say my prayers, I say "thank you nan".

[HansieMom]

What about putting it in your pension fund? Your dad gave it to you. your DH has a nice stash, so could you.

[ameliagrey]

Hansie pensions are taken into account during any divorce, if you meant it was a case of it being safe as a pension.

[toobusytofunction]

I totally agree that you should keep something to yourself. My father put all of his inheritance into purchasing our family house, which my mother got when she devorced him after 26 years of marriage, and subsequently sold. My father lives overseas now, but putting all of his eggs in once basket means he now has nothing to fall back on in the UK and will probably therefore never return to live here. You never know how things may go, and when you might need or want it, and it may just end up being your lifelines one day (maybe even for both of you).

[bilblio]

I've got a stash. It's not a secret, DH knows about it, but he's only got a vague idea how much is in it... and to be honest so have I. It's an account my parents started when I was born and it's got about 20+ years of Birthday & Christmas money in it. I stopped paying anything in when I started having to pay bills etc :)

It's also in an account where the nearest branch is 30+ miles away, in the town where my parents live. If I've ever thought about drawing money out my parents have known and talked me out of it and helped instead.

I call it rainy day money, Dad says it's to help pay for a better old folks home for them.

Our roles are the complete opposite to OP. DH is a SAHD, and I'm the one who goes out to work (far from a jet setting career though.) That account stops me worrying too much at night when money is short. I know if the worst came to the worst we've got about 6 months worth of my wages there.... or a bit towards the old folks home bills. :o

[bilblio]

What about opening an account up for your DS but with your name on the account too (which you'd have to do anyway depending on the age of your DS.)

That way you could think of it as a secret investment for DS, it's not in your sister's name, wouldn't be involved if you ever were to divorce, and you'd get half decent interest. :)

If it's for a safety net I'm assuming that safety net would also be for DS so you're not really lying about it.

[LolaRennt]

I actually think you are being quite clever. Just because you aren't in any trouble now doens't mean you never will be and I understand the urge to want to know you are "safe" if you ever need to be. Half of all marriages end in divorce and mumsnet is littered with the wreckages of marriage gone wrong and women being fucked backwards financially

[bbface]

I am just so touched by the responses, largely of support for my action and those not in support - putting sensible suggestions forward.

All apart from Happymumofone of course, but having read TheSecondComings post about Happymumofone - I understand the situation - she is a fruitloop.

In the middle of a film last night, I suddenly asked DH to pause it and said to him that I wanted us to sort out my pension. What followed was quite a frank discussion about finances. DH said he did not like financial planning on the basis that we are going to divorce. I said neither did I! But just as he would sort out his financies, pensions, benfits etc at work, as a SAHM - I needed to do the same!

DH said that when I return to work, in about 5 years, then half of whatever I earn will go straight into my pension. He said the primary benefit of putting money into a pension is tax, but as a SAHM - that is not really relevant.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I trust my husband implicitly. But I am still going to keep a nestegg aside. Why? because if the shit hits the fan, I want to be in a strong enough position (immediately) to be able to sort out things for my DS and I, causing minimal disruption to DS (and possible future DC).

As I have said before, no reason to believe the shit will hit the fan, but as I have also said before - having lost both parents in my twenties, it does leave one feeling a little lost at sea.

[ameliagrey]

You are being sensisble BUT how far are you prepared to go?

Is your savings fund going to be totally and utterly secret from your DH?

You see, I have always had a nest egg and now it's quite big- one reason that DH never objected was that he was/is a higher tate tax payer, so having savings in my name was always the best way as I pay lower rate tax.

I have got used to thinking of this money as "mine" because as the DCs have got older, I have added to the pot through my income.

DH and Ihit a rocky patcha few years back adn Isaw a solicitor for a preliminary chat about money etc.

I was told in no uncertain terms that all my nest egg was half his, and as he knew about it his own legal side, come any divorce, would ensure he got half when it all went into the pot of our assets.

So- if you do want a running away fund, you have to decide if it's going to be kept from him, otherwise he will claim half if the time ever comes- unless you look on it as an emergency fund to tide you over. Which is how I now have to regard mine!

[ChasingSquirrels]

the tax point isn't quite true - as a non-tax payer you can still benefit from the tax advantages of a pension. You can pay in £3,600 gross (so £3,000 net payment from you) and get the tax advantage of the £600 reclaimed from HMRC into your pension.