does anyone else have a private stash of money?

[bbface]

I am a SAHM, happily married.

I am due to receive a sizeable amount of money. I have told DH it is x amount, but actually I am giving my sister a few thousand pounds on the side, to keep for me without DH knowing.

I do not have any plans for it. All the rest of the money will go into the family pot. Likewise when I had an inheritance a few years ago, ALL that money went into the family pot.

I just like knowing that if I ever need my own money, I have that nest egg to fall back on. As a SAHM I occasionally feel vulnerable. DH is generous, but in arguments he has referred to things as 'my' flat, 'my' car, and that has concerned me, although said in the heat of the moment.

I feel sneaky doing this, but will do regardless.

Has anyone else done similar?

If your ex wife got a fair settlement which included a house- then she must have been "worth it" and, presumably needed it for herself and your children?

If it was ruled that you had enough income to buy a home of your own without any equity from your joint home, then presumably you are earning a considerable salary?

You seem to have a bitter view of what happened to you. If you wife had a job, then presumably she put money into the house or furnishings, or at least contributed to your joint expenses?

You seem to be missing the point here: which is the OP is a SAHM. Her DH has earning power which she doesn't. She is doing a very sensible thing IMO of insuring herself against anything he might do which could impact on her while she has no access to anything other than joint savings. The money is in fact an inheritance- it's not money she is earning and hoarding away.

I've only read the OP - but I think this is pretty sensible (although I would keep it in my own account and not give it to my sister). You never know what might happen with/to your H and you might need it one day.

OneMoreChap - you mention having no secrets with your current partner. I presume you assumed the same last time around? Until you found out about her secret stash of 30k?

ameliagrey - fair settlement?
She tried to fuck me over to the extent I couldn't get a flat.

I earned £4k more a year than her in my main job; she spent so much on frocks, holidays, family presents (her family I mean) and "entertaining" I had to work 3 nights a week in a second job to pay the mortgage and bills. I was stupid enough to think a man should pay the main bills for his wife and kids.

In the end, she went for ancillary relief, asking for another £6k a year from me.
That went in front of a judge, who reversed it, and I got paid back a £9k lump sum, of which £4k went in costs. The only thing that amused me was she incurred £9k costs.

It took me another 3 years to clear my debts, not helped by solicitors costs in maintaining access to my kids; for whom I paid more than assessed maintenance all the time.

So, you obviously agree I should have done something to protect myself? Hiding money from my partner - or is it different rules for the sisterhood?

It's a tough one. For what it's worth, 34 years ago today I got married for better for worse, and we've shared everything since. Our total inheritances amount to £125 between us - so far. Neither of us have ever had separate money, everything has been joint accounts, except for legal necessity such as my being self-employed, or Tessa's and tax-exempt savings accounts that are single account-holder only. I have been led to believe that I am going to inherit money, say in the next 10 years, and don't think that will make any difference - although perhaps it may depend on if we differ about what to do with it. Think I'd probably like to splash out, say, less than 5% of it. Don't know about dh.

I have, however, known of someone who received £100k-£200k about 15 years ago from an aunt, spent it all on the house, and then they divorced, and the ex getting half of the inheritance. That seems slightly unfair. Btw they were quite comfortably off before, and were the type to have separate finances.

Here (in France) it's possible to choose your marriage regime, as in

• totally separate
• totally joint (which we've gone for in our French marriage contract)
• totally separate up to marriage, and then totally joint thereafter and
• totally joint except for assets inherited during the marriage

Dh knows about the inheritance, in fact he will be the executor for the relative concerned, and he refers to it as my money.

I think it all depends on a couple's expectations of marriage. Seems rather sad, despite the statistics, to have a 'running away' fund, just in case.

There have been times, even relatively recently, over the last 34 years, that if I'd had a fund, it's very existence might have encouraged me to run away.

As it is, I've never had a fund, nor thought of having one, and am glad I'm where I am (even though some of the 'for worse' bits have been absolutely f-ing awful).

Well, I have done it. The money is with my sister.

I feel dreadful actually, because DH is so wonderful and one of those people that is SO straight down the line. He would NEVER do this to me.

However, as I have said before, losing both parents in your twenties leaves you feeling a little vulnerable. I genuinely can't see DH and I ever splitting up, but I still want the money there as a back up JUST IN CASE. In my experience (parents split. But then got back together)... Men are different in women when it comes to spiltting up... women really do focus on the children first and foremost, above and beyond anything else. Whereas men tend to batten down the hatches and see a divorce as a war that must be fought hard. If something was to happen in the future, I would like to know I have the money so that I can ensure DC would have a smooth transition i.e. move to a nice flat close to their schools etc. etc.

This is harsh of me to say this about men, and very much a generalisation. But I do think there is a lot of truth to it, no matter how lovely the man is.

Mumsnet has shown me that you can never be complacent in your relationship.

Truth is, I expect to use it on buying him a very special present in the future, and me a boob job!

onemorechap- I think you should have managed your finances in a better way whilst you were married. If your ex wife was spending recklessly beyond both your earnings- so much so that you had to take another job- what does that say about you- and her? Money management doesn't seem to have been something either of you excelled at!

It would appear not that you were overly responsible, but that were in fact irresponsible, by "allowing" your wife to over spend so much so that you had to work another 3 nights a week to pay for her extravagances.

Presumably, apart from the "frocks", the entertainment and holidays were for your benefit and enjoyment at the time, too?

I think you are missing he point TBH.

Cases like yours where one party feels hard done by after a settlement happen- we only have your side heere and I am sure hers would be very different.

In the case of the OP she is not working- she does not earn £4K less than her DH- she doesn't earn anything!

What she is doing is putting some inherited money away for a rainy say should she need it so she has immediate access to money if she needs it.

It's not to say that even if she needed it, she would not tell him about it.

I have a considerable amount of savings in my own name. My DH knows about them. The money gives me a feeling of control, as I earn a fraction of what DH does. However, I know that if I ever needed access to meony quickly, I have some. I also know that in a divorce I would declare it, adn it would go into the pot of joint assets.

Just because money is a secret NOW doesn't mean it will always be a secret.

No secret stash of money. If we divorce there should be enough split to keep me going plus I work. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who hid money from me. If I wanted my own account for money like this I would tell my husband and open a seperate account. Why all the secrecy? If he really is "wonderful" why can't you tell him about your need for a bit of security independant of him? Why can't you just tell himthe stuff you put in your last post? A wonderful bloke should be able to cope with you having some rainy day money.

Oh this is something that hugely pisses me off about mumsnet sometimes.

Why can't it sometimes be the case that in some situations, the poster is married to someone decent and it is the poster who is behaving like a shit.

This is the situation in my relationship in respect to this money issue. I am keeping aside a private stash of money for a rainy day. It is just my safety net in the absence of any parents, aunts, grandparents etc.

However, just like I see on so many posts (although I have not noticed by this particular poster I have to say), 2rebecca has to question my description of my 'wonderful' husband, and 'if he was so wonderful...' etc etc.

It is honestly like some mumsnetters can't accept the fact that sometimes there really isn't any dark underbelly to a thread. They will search and point the finger at the DP/DH even if there really is no justifcation at all.

It is ME being deceitful. The issue was about ME stashing some money.

Why do some like to take it off on a tangent and try to pursue DH??

bb, I think it's because people genuinely don't understand why you would do this for "no good reason", as it were. They feel, as do I to a certain extent, that if he is so wonderful, he would understand you wanting to keep some money seperate, for the reasons you describe.

BB do what feels right for you.

You don't need MN jury to decide for you.

Have you found any posts remotely helpful- or have they as always shown that there are always two schools of thought..which adds to your confusion?

private stash - sort of. I have a life insurance that came with my previous job and I keep paying into it. dh knows about it but not how much. beneficiaries are the dc.
on another note, are you sure the money is safe with your dsis? would she use it for herself, do you have some sort of written agreement with her?

ameliagrey - I absolutely do think that lots of posts have been really helpful, and very definitely yours. Thanks

BB Good for you.
My previous posts will reinforce to you, that even though we marry and say our vows, sometimes the worst happens.
We need all the help we can get (usually financial) when initially that happens.
Good luck x

Thanks Theyremybiscuits

Malificence... "no good reason"? Pls read the bloody thread as to why I am doing this. I am pretty explicit from the outset!

To recap, lost both my parents in twenties; I have no other family than younger siblings; I am a SAHM who was in a decent job but very city-orientated and would not work with children, so career prospects, at best, severely limited; and only reason not telling DH is that we are saving hard for deposit, so he would question why I was keeping aside money at such a critical time.

mousymouse... no worries on the sis front. I trust her implicitly. Period.

Good point though, and definitely worth raising

Why get so upset when you ask people if they have a secret stash of money and they say no and think that if you have a good relationship you shouldn't need one?
Only liking posts that support your point of view and complaining about others seems a bit pointless.
I still don't see why if your relationship is so great you can't be more assertive with your husband and tell him that you are putting this money in a separate account whether he thinks it's a good use of the money or not.
Is it because you don't work so are not used to thinking of any money as "yours"?

Only been a SAHM for few months. Before then earning good salary that was very much my own. DH and I shared bills and rent in proportion to earnings, so he paid more. But what was left over was individually ours to so whatever we liked. DH never questioned how I spend money.

Now that SAHM, it feels like our money, but I am perhaps having trouble adjusting. DH has referred to the flat as 'my' flat. I told him how much this hurt me and he promised never again. Give the guy a break on this front pls... it was in an argument, during which I said far meaner stuff.

I have taken on board posts that have not agreed with me, as they made sensible points i.e. talk to your husband about your feelings of vulnerability - tick; consider whether appropriate to tangle up your sister in this - tick.

My point about your post is actually a separate issue from my thread. It is the witch-hunting that can sometimes occur on threads against the partners. Irritates the hell out of me.

2rebeccca - if she told the Dh it would no longer be a private stash as alluded to in the post yeh?
OP - I totally see where you are coming from.
My main issue with posters who disagree with your stance is that they cannot seem to accept that not everybody approaches relationships in exactly the same way. ie - every bloody thought, idea, action etc has to be shared. It doesnt. Cant people keep something back for themselves, even within a relationship? I think they can.

bbface. I can't remember if this has been raised or not.

What would happen if you gave the money to your sister to look after and she died suddenly in an accident. Would you be able to prove the money was yours or would it start some kind of feud as you tried to reclaim it?

Upahill... not raised and you have given me food for thought. Atm.. no problem at all as only myself and Bro, and he trusts me implicitly as I do him (we are all very close). The issue would be if she got married. Not remotely on the cards, but I will talk to sis about it. Thanks very much.

I don't think this is a good idea, a larger deposit (even if it's just a couple of thousand) could make a difference to the % rate you get on your mortgage, putting this money aside now could cost you many thousands in the long run. I think if you were in a position where it didn't make such a difference what you've done would be justifiable but, if that was the case, I'm sure you'd feel comfortable telling your DH what you were doing.

It's definitely worth putting away some money in an account you can access instantly in an emergency if you have that money to spare. In your circumstances I'd buy the house first and then start saving in a rainy day account.

No matter how much you trust your sister, if the money is kept as cash, it won't be insured against fire or theft. If she has it in an account in her name then anything could happen as her life changes - if she ever divorces, needs access to benefits, etc. If you are so close to your sis and bro wouldn't they help you out if the worst ever happened anyway?

I have "running away money".

Yes, everything is fine, but what if...

he joined the Scientologists
became an alcoholic
grew a moustache...

IF he stays sweet as he is now, then I'm looking forward to our retirement cruise...

OMG a moustache would definitely be grounds for divorce :o

I have not really got a secret stash insofar as I don't have savings in my name anywhere.

However, my mother is holding several thousand pounds that really belong to me on the understanding that I can have them at a moment's notice should I even need money urgently. DH does not know about this as it's been going on ever since before I even met him. I have no intention of telling him.

I also tend to underdeclare how much money I receive from my family for christmas/birthdays etc. This is mainly because my ILs are always asking DH for money and he is completely useless at saying no to them. Therefore, if my folks give me a decent amount of money as a present it will inevitably be used to pay for our living expenses and DH will send a generous amount to his parents. I do not want my family to subsidise ILs in this way. So if I receive a gift, I take my money to Selfridges, buy what I want for myself and declare the remaining amount to DH.

Selfish? Totally. However, I don't see why I should spend my birthday money on food and the gas bill so that BIL can get a new playstation. My lovely mum would be in tears if she knew. And since DH is spineless when it comes to his family, I tend to execute her wishes without his knowledge.