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Original poster

To separate from dp because I can't have a life of my own?

201 replies

Ja3 · 10/08/2011 20:02

Been with dp for 6 years and we have 2dc, but throughout this time all our arguments have been based around things I do to just try and be me which isn't very often.

For example going on facebook, talking to ex's or guys in general, going out with certain girlfriend's he doesn't approve of etc....

As much as I love him and want us to be together it seems that I can't have a life of my own separate from our relationship and it's making me feel trapped (at 24yrs old) and resentful as he does all the above and more without me complaining.

So I just wanted to know AIBU?

OP posts:
clam · 10/08/2011 21:11

I don't often quote my mother's pearls of wisdom, but I do remember her telling me it was a bad idea to settle down too young as the person you are and the priorities you have at 25 is totally different from who you were and what you wanted at 15.
As someone said before, you have outgrown him. Good luck in finding your old (or new?) self and late on down the line, someone who will accept you for who you are.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 21:11

don't let him talk you back again

seriously

he sounds like a fucking idiot

I would also say that anyone who makes so much fuss about imagined and/or alleged shagging around by their partner is actually doing precisely that, themselves

IreneHeron · 10/08/2011 21:11

You are doing the right thing by leaving him by the sounds of it. You are so young and have so many possibilities ahead of you. You don't want to spend your life with someone who wants to control you and stifle your personality.

I am sure that you'll not look back once you've gone. Confidence and new friends will come back sooner than you'd think.

Original poster
Ja3 · 10/08/2011 21:14

Thankyou FreudianSlipper-I live by that saying regret what you do not what you don't do

I just need to stay positive and focus on giving my kids the best life possible

It's funny cos I've never been the type to want or need a man in my life yet he makes me feel so emotionally dependent on him

OP posts:
jenrendo · 10/08/2011 21:17

Get out and stay out of this relationship. My BF has finally managed to free herself of her DH after years of emotional abuse which turned physical too. He started off by doing exactly what your DH has done to you and once he could see that she would do what he wanted things got worse and worse. She went from a bubbly, attractive, career girl with good equity in her flat, loads of friends and a great social life, to completely in debt, ruined, very overweight and completely demoralised with no self-esteem, depression and negative equity in the house he 'made' her buy which she is now lumbered with. Luckily for her, he couldn't get rid of her 2 best friends. We were too stubborn and our hatred for him spurred us to stay in her life and look out for her. Obviously, this is extreme, but if you start changing yourself for him you will never be what he wants. The cycle will continue. Get out xx

jenrendo · 10/08/2011 21:18

Oh and Ja that's exactly what men like him do. They make you feel like they're the only one you can truly rely on and trust :(

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 21:18

Time and distance will sort the emotional dependence, love

Don't contact him for a few days

Then subsequently, all your communication should be about arrangements for the kids and nothing more

Act like you are detaching yourself, and it will happen

in other words, fake it 'til you make it

it will come

saladsandwich · 10/08/2011 21:21

OP - YANBU im not saying your partner is the same as mine but my ex started off like yours and one by one cut me off from friends he didn't approve off, he made me feel (and i still do) like no one would ever want me, he once accused me of sleeping with someone at my brothers house when i went over for a few days to look after their poorly children.

he was sly and manipulative but it was so subtle i didn't realise it for many years and by the time i was pregnant i only really had phone contact with my friends, by the time i had my ds (we had been together 8 years by then) i realised it had escalated to him being abusive but still not in an obvious way.

the best thing i did was leave with our ds, cannot believe i was so blind to what was going on xx

michelleseashell · 10/08/2011 21:32

I've got to say this sounds very familiar. In my experience this is how abusive relationships start. Maybe he won't get any worse than this but I would be very wary especially now you are regaining control of your life.

He's insecure and wants to own you and owning you includes owning your past. You weren't promiscuous, you were just a normal girl. I don't need to know any details to recognise that. He is jealous that you once had a life without him in it.
Does he make a lot of sly comments about the kind of person you are and your morality in general? Is he hugely suspicious even of non sexual relationships like with work colleagues, your family, female friends, maybe even your children? Do you have to pay special attention to proving you aren't attracted to passers by or people on the television?

If you've answered yes to any of those questions remember that these are HIS issues that he is projecting onto you. You haven't done a thing wrong. You don't owe him an apology for not being his possession.

Animation · 10/08/2011 21:37

Are YOU talking to ex's?

That DOESN'T seem reasonable to me - but I seem to be in the minority.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 21:39

yes, you are Smile

Animation · 10/08/2011 21:40

Thanks Smile

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 21:48

no problem

animation, does this seem like a reasonable fella to you ?

Witchofthenorth · 10/08/2011 21:49

Op get out and stay out......I personally don't think that talking to exes is an issue, my DH is still on talking terms with his exes and me with (some) of mine and it doesn't bother us in the slightest!

He sounds like a total tit and you need to stay strong and continue as you are doing, you will find yourself again and you will find someone who doesn't give a fuck about your past. FWIW DH has no idea of my previous sexual relationships and he made a point of not wanting to know as it was none of his business who I slept with before him and me him.

You sound like you have got your head screwed on right and you will manage jus fine without his influence and presence :)

singforsupper · 10/08/2011 21:52

I don't think I could handle a relationship where my dp was talking to exes on facebook, or other women. I don't think you two are committed to each other really. If you really want to stay together forever (!) you will need to prioritise each other and reserve that space beside you for him.

Either you get closer, or you go your seperate ways, but if you stay together. Nah - chatting with blokes on facebook - no way. Not that it's wrong, it just sends the message out that your dp takes second place.

YABU

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 10/08/2011 21:53

after a month of me living my life he will see if he likes the new me and decide if we should get back together

He's going to use the month to have his cake and eat it while continuing to undermine you on a daily basis.

I suspect that you won't have much choice but to see him at least once a week for the sake of your dc otherwise I'd suggest that, after a blissful month on your own, you arrange to meet him outside a swanky bar and arrive looking either like a cheap tart (mini skirt, fishnets, cleavage, peroxide blonde wig, fake tan and temporary tramp stamps) or wearing a fat suit underneath a cheap tracksuit, dripping in fake gold jewellery, with a fag hanging out of your mouth (think Waynetta Slob for inspiration) and greet him with 'How d'ya like these apples?'.

As it is, when the month is up, tell him that YOU have decided that YOU don't like anything about HIM and that there is no way you are EVER going to resume relations with a manipulative and controlling twunt.

Get back in touch with yourself before you move on to another relationship and spare a thought for woman who has the misfortune to become your ex's new bendy toy.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 21:53

SFS...words fail me Shock

Witchofthenorth · 10/08/2011 21:56

Do you not find him even slightly controlling singforsupper ? Is your dp not allowed any female friends?

Genuine question, just being nosey :)

singforsupper · 10/08/2011 21:59

OK I take it all back, cos I just read this:

My dad likes him and is fooled by the act but everyone else my mum, sister, cousin, aunt etc they despise him

MAJOR RED FLAG ALERT

youarekidding · 10/08/2011 21:59

YANBU and I have nothing more to add that AF hasn't said already.

I will say best of luck for the furture op, you sound very mature and capable and keep remembering that and stay strong.

singforsupper · 10/08/2011 22:01

Witch, no, my dp does not have any female friends but he hasn't got any male friends either.

But I would feel tetchy if he was chatting online with a woman - god is it just me?

exoticfruits · 10/08/2011 22:07

YANBU -you are young, it is hard but worth starting again in the long run. He will only get worse.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2011 22:08

sfs...this thread isn't about that

it's about a young woman who hasn't got any life of her own

FairhairedandFrustrated · 10/08/2011 22:11

SFS, REALLY??? Your dh has no friends? Just you?

I find that odd.

So you think she should just 'reserve' all her time and space for him?

Animation · 10/08/2011 22:12

I wouldn't like my DH talking to exes. That would cross a boundary. Simon Cowell talks to exes - in fact he has them for best friends, and that seems a bit weird to me.

But yes, looks like there's more going on here and the OP seems genuinely unhappy and lonely. Sad