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Original poster

To separate from dp because I can't have a life of my own?

201 replies

Ja3 · 10/08/2011 20:02

Been with dp for 6 years and we have 2dc, but throughout this time all our arguments have been based around things I do to just try and be me which isn't very often.

For example going on facebook, talking to ex's or guys in general, going out with certain girlfriend's he doesn't approve of etc....

As much as I love him and want us to be together it seems that I can't have a life of my own separate from our relationship and it's making me feel trapped (at 24yrs old) and resentful as he does all the above and more without me complaining.

So I just wanted to know AIBU?

OP posts:
Animation · 12/08/2011 05:56

"He's had 6 long years to show he's a 'half decent guy' and 'fall in line'. If he hasn't been able to manage it yet, within what sort of time frame should he able to to do it? Animation you have some seriously unhealthy ideas about relationships."

The OP put up with some bad behaviour - and I would like to see her fiinally CHALLENGE it. If he's decent and is prepared to mature he could change and fall in line.

I don't think that's an unhealthy view.

Give him 3 months.

Animation · 12/08/2011 06:17

"Animation - why should the OP not be allowed female friends, as set out in the OP? Do you feel those in a relationship should not be allowed to talk to others? In such situations how would you set a standard for 'normality'"

Wannabesybil.

Of course she should have female friends - and when she sets her boundaries I hope she will be clear on this - how it's going to be from now on, and that he DOESN'T dictate who she can and can't be friends with. That's her decision and not his.

Now is NOT a good idea to be talking to exes though - and I think that would sabotage any boundary work she does here.

Poshbaggirl · 12/08/2011 07:12

Time to put your children first. Seeing/ talking to exs is bound to upset him. Surely you can see that.

QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins · 12/08/2011 07:38

Yes poshbaggirl you are right she must live the rest of her life miserable and controlled BECAUSE OF THE CHILDREN. WTF????

He is basically saying that if she is a good girl for 3 months then he will take her back, OP you won't show yourself in the next 3 months as you still do love him and you don't want to (yet) let him go. I agree with everything AnyFucker says but I also think you are not in the right place yet to leave him. I am hoping the next 3 months gives you the strength so next time you feel this way you do break away.

On another note when did the women of MN become so needy and insecure about talking to exes????

wannabesybil · 12/08/2011 08:02

Animation - after six years of not being allowed to even talk to females, how is she going to set boundaries? That information may be useful to the OP. I also think it would be helpful if you could give an idea of how to establish 'normality' after six years of having consensual normality undermined, where she now is in a place where it is wrong for her to talk to anyone.

How do you view her being allowed three months to prove herself?

I would also suggest you google 'battered wife syndrome' which can come into play where there is no violence but the sort of control where talking to exes becomes a serious problem. You may find it interesting. However this does not negate your point of view.

NB - talking to exes may be exactly what she needs to do in order to clearly show that she can be trusted to talk to people. However I think the half sentence of the OP you have focused on may not be the problem.

Poshbags - are you Animation? One half sentence in the OP is not the entire problem. A brief 'hi' to an ex does not excuse bad behaviour and can quickly escalate to not being allowed to talk about the weather in the local shop. Because only whores talk to exes, and you have talked to an ex, so you must be a whore, so anytime you talk to anyone you are being a whore. Right?

Poshbaggirl · 12/08/2011 08:15

Calm down. Confused

marriedinwhite · 12/08/2011 08:19

I have read the first and the last page. What strikes me is that the OP is not particularly tied at all. They have separate homes although they share two children. This doesn't sound like a permanent stable relationship in the first place and I can't see a great deal of commitment to a stable family unit from either side. If it was a permanent stable family unit, then the OP would be unreasonable to chatting to ex's and guys and going out regularly with unsuitable friends. In a permanent stable relationship it is customary to meet a girlfried from time to time but on the whole to spend one's time with one's family, one's partner and mutual friends.

I think together the pair of them need to decide if this is a permanent relationship for the sake of their dc and if it is to form one stable home; if there is insufficient care on either side to do this then the relationship needs to cease.

QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins · 12/08/2011 08:21

"If it was a permanent stable family unit, then the OP would be unreasonable to chatting to ex's and guys and going out regularly with unsuitable friends. In a permanent stable relationship it is customary to meet a girlfried from time to time but on the whole to spend one's time with one's family, one's partner and mutual friends. "

Have I time-travelled back to 1950 on this thread?

Witchofthenorth · 12/08/2011 08:28

Ja3 thanks for coming back and letting us know how you are. Nobody can make you leave this man but you, and if you feel you need to give it another few months then that is you decision to make.
Before leaving this thread until you give us another update I would like to through my twopence in if you wouldn't mind?
I sincerely hope that within this trial period (horrible phrase) you will wake up one morning and see you situation for what it is and see that you need to be away from him. The comment you made about him letting you do you and see if he likes it, horrified me! See if he likes it?! This man is not worth the space in your life you are giving him and you deserve a whole lot more.

What worries me is you remind me of me about 15 years ago, the only difference is I didn't have children with my abusive man (thank god!) but it still took me way to long to see what was happening. I shall not hijack your thread with the details but the behaviour this man is displaying is so similar to what I experienced. PM me to talk about it if you wish to :).

There is some fantastic advice on here for you, I strongly suggest that you take it and put some of it into practice during this trial time, it will let you see clearly and allow you to stay grounded through this.

Please keep checking in, you know where we all are :)

Animation · 12/08/2011 08:36

"I would also suggest you google 'battered wife syndrome' which can come into play where there is no violence but the sort of control where talking to exes becomes a serious problem. You may find it interesting. However this does not negate your point of view"

Wannabesybil.

Yes, I've heard many abuse stories in my time and have sufficient understanding of the whole subject.

I agree that the OP is dealing with some immature twattish behavior from her DP - not necessarily at the severe end of the abuse spectrum. And he doesn't strike me as a psychopath.

I think it's possible for her to take him on, and she should - for her own sanity. It's often when we're in a crisis that we reach breaking point where enough becomes enough! It's that moment of "fuck off" - and "NO" you don't talk to me like that anymore. ANYMORE. And you mean it!

solidgoldbrass · 12/08/2011 08:38

I think there is not enough encouragement for women to leave shitty partners. There are plenty of clear, obvious indications that a man is a fuckwit and will not change (the chances of an abuser turning into a civilised human being are incredibly small - abusive men are serial abusers, preying on woman after woman, hardly any of the perpetrator programmes work) and yet idiots keep telling women to put up with it, shut up, submit, because after all women exist to be owned by men, don't they, and nothing is worse than being single...
The more women leave abusive men, the better the chances of natural selection reducing the number of the shitbags, bear that in mind when you';re whining on about 'Think of the children (because you are only a woman and therefore don't matter)'

SheCutOffTheirTails · 12/08/2011 08:44

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Animation · 12/08/2011 08:49

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wannabesybil · 12/08/2011 08:51

Animation - please give the OP the option of not taking on her partner, certainly in the short term.

Also the OP would probably find it helpful to know how to set those boundaries. When she says that she doesn't want to be with him, the partner says that she has three months to prove herself to him. How does she set these boundaries? Don't worry about answering my points to me, I am not the important person in this thread, but she has had six years of not being able to have boundaries. She would be helped by info from you about how to stand up to someone who doesn't hear her. Please can you help her with advice about how to reclaim eg identity and the freedom to talk to someone at a bus stop regardless of gender in order to heal the relationship.

Also, as you know, 'battered wife syndrome' is not necessarily about the abuse, it is what can keep an abused person with an abuser. I will keep it in this post as while you are aware of the insidious way that it can keep the illusion that the abused 'loves' the abuser (like Stockholm syndrome, traumatic experiences creating a dependency on the abuser/captor), other people may find a reference to it useful.

Animation · 12/08/2011 08:54

I suugest that those who can't debate leave the thread - and quit the intimidation - stamping on heads tactics. That's what's disgusting.

Some posters on here were telling the OP to leave for good - on the first bloody page when she'd only posted 2 VERY brief posts - with not much information in there at all!

QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins · 12/08/2011 08:57

I am not sure a "debate" is needed here and to be honest this thread needs to be moved to relationships rather than be in AIBU.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 12/08/2011 09:06

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VictorianIce · 12/08/2011 09:07

You can't change other people.
OP, I hope you're ok.

Animation · 12/08/2011 09:08

"Also the OP would probably find it helpful to know how to set those boundaries. When she says that she doesn't want to be with him, the partner says that she has three months to prove herself to him"

Wannabesybil -

I agree - talking about how to do boundaries would be VERY helpful.

To him saying - she has 3 months to prove herself. Well what a wally. He's doing the macho, arrogant and controlling - 'you can't survive without me' talk. Basically he doesn't want to lose her.

You counter that with a clear message to the fact, that actually, you CAN survive very well without him. In three months you're gone if he doesn't shape up!

When this technique of his no-longer works - he'll stop.

pictish · 12/08/2011 09:11

Animation - he will not stop. He will simply become more aggressive.

Animation · 12/08/2011 09:16

SheCutOf TheirTail

"You want to have a little barney about people being told to leave relationships too soon, so you've decided to have it here. On a thread where a very young, very damaged, very vulnerable woman is looking for permission to leave a clearly abusive relationship .."

You don't quit getting personal - and now you're insulting the OP - calling her "damaged." Hmm

pictish · 12/08/2011 09:17

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Animation · 12/08/2011 09:26

"Animation - he will not stop. He will simply become more aggressive"

If he does - the OP should leave him.

But many blokes use the "you can't survive without me" strategy - not necessarily bad abusive guys. You've got tackle them on it.

And sometimes they go the othet way then, get upset and say they CAN'T survive without you....that they'll perish....

Portofino · 12/08/2011 09:29

Animation, you do realise that if/when the old "methods" of control cease to work for this man, he will invent new ones. The OP is having to stifle her entire personality in order not to upset this twunt. Surely you can see that that is not normal or desirable?

Portofino · 12/08/2011 09:31

And why would ANYT decent human being tell someone else that they "can't survive without them" - that is controlling behaviour - and IS abusive.