To separate from dp because I can't have a life of my own?

[Ja3]

Been with dp for 6 years and we have 2dc, but throughout this time all our arguments have been based around things I do to just try and be me which isn't very often.

For example going on facebook, talking to ex's or guys in general, going out with certain girlfriend's he doesn't approve of etc....

As much as I love him and want us to be together it seems that I can't have a life of my own separate from our relationship and it's making me feel trapped (at 24yrs old) and resentful as he does all the above and more without me complaining.

So I just wanted to know AIBU?

No, you really don't have to tackle them on it.

If a man treats you badly, it's on him.

You are only responsible for yourself.

So if someone tries to control you, or behaves in a way that us unacceptable to you, you leave.

Whether he can live without you (more manipulative, controlling bullshit btw) is irrelevant. You must always remember that you are OK on your own, and that you always have that option if your relationship gets bad.

You aren't stuck. It just feels like it.

You will learn best to be assertive when you are safe and happy. Make that happen first.

"And why would ANYT decent human being tell someone else that they "can't survive without them" - that is controlling behaviour - and IS abusive."

On some level it is. It's also a relatively normal strategy that people do in relationships. Doesn't mean everbody is pathologically abusive with a personality disorder as such.

It's not a strategy I have ever come across in a relationship. If anyone told me that I couldn't survive without them, I would tell them to fuck off.

Ja3 if you come back on here, try and get this thread moved to relationships where you can get some support in what you are going through, regardless of the decision you make. I know your original question was an AIBU but this is just disintegrating and is no longer about you. The majority of posters on here are in support of you.

animation you a not helping.....if you want to help the poster with your advice on her relationship, give her strategies on how she can set boundaries and change this man ( I personally think you cannot change someones personality, and his is clearly too controlling) do not just tell her to stay and work it and demand he changes his behaviour. She has been living this all her adult life and clearly does not realise what skill set she needs to utilise to deal with it. Why not offer her the pearls of your wisdom .

FWIW I was one of those posters who at the beginning told her to leave on very little information, and I stand by that statement. I have seen and lived throug this behaviour, she will not and cannot change this man, he will only step up his game.

"It's also a relatively normal strategy that people do in relationships."

It really isn't, it's threatening and emotional blackmail.

"Animation, you do realise that if/when the old "methods" of control cease to work for this man, he will invent new ones. The OP is having to stifle her entire personality in order not to upset this twunt. Surely you can see that that is not normal or desirable"

That's true - he could.

But she's giving him three months.

But people change their behaviour when you challenge them.

Look at me to day - I've had a personal insults directed at me today - I knocked them back - and some of them stopped.

You stand up to bullies.

Animation - How does she find the strength to set those boundaries, when he is not used to accepting any boundaries and the OP has been unable to enforce any boundaries in the past?

If you say to someone, 'I don't like it when you do that.' and they ignore what you say and do it anyway, how do you set the boundary? 'Just insisting' isn't possible. Honest.

Animation - the OP isn't giving him three months. Her partner is giving her three months 'to prove herself'. How can she set boundaries in place, what tactics would you use?

"It's also a relatively normal strategy that people do in relationships."

"It really isn't, it's threatening and emotional blackmail."

But everyone does it to some extent - it's a matter of degree.

The arch manipulators - psychopaths - being at the sharp end of the spectrum.

"Animation - the OP isn't giving him three months. Her partner is giving her three months 'to prove herself'. How can she set boundaries in place, what tactics would you use?"

That's he HE puts it!

The first step is wising up to these tactics. That will empower her for a start off.

Looking at all his behaviours... that we know of - I think it's clear he doesn't want to lose her.

"animation you a not helping.....if you want to help the poster with your advice on her relationship, give her strategies on how she can set boundaries and change this man"

That's what I'm doing.

She needs to change the way he relates to her. When he's abusive - she has to get used to nipping it in the bud - straight away.

Everyone doesn't do it! And people don't change that easily. My exh, when I was 23, told me that now we were married, he expected me to start behaving like a proper wife - ie staying in, cooking, sewing, and otherwise being like his mother. I said "no - I am 23 - I am carrying on as normal, seeing my friends etc". He gave me an ultimatum - and was MOST surprised when I left.

I have to go now.

I've said my bit for now.

"Can we just agree to ignore Animation from now on in, because this is turning into The Animation Show, and I really feel that we are losing sight of the thread"

Pictish - more of the same abusive talk from you ...eh?

Back to the old 'talking to exes' business - I wouldn't try and control who my dp talks to but at the same time there is a line that isn't crossed and it's a very important one. Expecting each other to respect that boundary is not a bad thing, it sends out a big message that you are not available.

Social networking is a new phenomenon and has few boundaries, but it does reflect real life. Usually once you have found your ex, out in the ether, you have a quick chat and then it stops naturally - if the chat continues and you go out with them etc I think you're heading for disaster, whatever people on here say.

It would be highly unreasonable to kick dp out just because he didn't want me to get involved with other men, in real life or on fb. Of course that goes the other way round as well.

But I still don't know why your friends and family don't like him... perhaps your answer will lie with them and not on mn with us.

Ja3 I have to go just now, I am going to PM you when I get back home tonight. I am not going to be drawn in any more as certain post are making me very angry and sad for you. I shall check in with you now and again and you can PM me whenever. I shall bow out gracefully now before I completely shame myself on MN.

It's just as much the DP who's on trial for 3 months as the OP. To suggest otherwise is to position the OP as a helpless victim, when from what I can make out it's not obvious that this is actually the case.

The OP may be youngish, but she doesn't strike me as helpless. She's got her own place, she's not financially dependent on her DP, and she's confidently told him who she interacts with and when because she doesn't see that it should be a problem. When her DP started being a dick about it, she's challenged him on this. He's continued to be a dick, to the extent that they agreed to separate. However he clearly didn't want to do this, came round to the OP's place and they then agreed to spend three months seeing if they can work on a compromise. The OP has made it clear that she sees this compromise as involving her not being stifled or controlled in the way she had felt previously. This doesn't sound to me like a one-way street with the OP on trial.

If the OP had said 'I'm going to have to spend 3 months coming to terms with complying with my DP's every wish' I'd be jumping up and down and waving red flags. But again, while the OP is only 24 she sounds pretty togetherand firm enough in what she wants to test her DP's willingness to change - or kick him out for good.

OP, I wish you all the best in working things out with your DP. Please don't ever let him convince you that it's you that needs to do all the 'changing' while he's already perfect - that's not how it works. But I think you know that already.

Here are just a few things the OP has said that make it absolute crystal fucking clear that she is being abused and controlled that that she is NOT in an equal position of power in this relationship (emphasis mine):

"throughout this time all our arguments have been based around things I do to just try and be me which isn't very often"

"For example going on facebook, talking to ex's or guys in general, going out with certain girlfriend's he doesn't approve of etc...."

"it seems that I can't have a life of my own separate from our relationship and it's making me feel trapped"

"he does all the above and more without me complaining."

"he blames it on my promiscuous past before he knew me and says that
because he didn't have fun like I did I can't possible understand how these things make him feel as all his friendships are innocent"

Her promiscuous past??? She was 18 when they got together FFS. That is just sick.

"I should never of got involved from the beginning when he told me to take my piercings out or he cant be with me but I was 18 and he was the best guy I had met at the time"

"Im not financially dependent or tied to him in any way other than the kids but I am really scared of being on my own now as I have totally lost who I am"

And you can keep reading, because there's plenty more about how he'll decide whether she's worthy of him and how the double standard between what he is allowed to to and what she is allowed to do is justified by her "promiscuous" childhood.

Agreed in full.

I'm off to a wedding in the rain now. In wedge sandals.
Hope to 'see' you soon OP. xxx

OTheHuge - that's what I was trying to say, but you have said it SO much better.

What is the "compromise" between a controlling man and his victim?

He is in the wrong here.

He should not tell her whether she can wear piercings.

He should not tell her who she can go out with.

He should not repeatedly berate her for her "promiscous past".

He should not ban her from using social network.

He should not make her feel like she is not allowed to have a life of her own.

Why on earth should anyone put up with that?

Hello. We're going to move this thread to Relationships, which is where it really belongs