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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To separate from dp because I can't have a life of my own?

201 replies

Ja3 · 10/08/2011 20:02

Been with dp for 6 years and we have 2dc, but throughout this time all our arguments have been based around things I do to just try and be me which isn't very often.

For example going on facebook, talking to ex's or guys in general, going out with certain girlfriend's he doesn't approve of etc....

As much as I love him and want us to be together it seems that I can't have a life of my own separate from our relationship and it's making me feel trapped (at 24yrs old) and resentful as he does all the above and more without me complaining.

So I just wanted to know AIBU?

OP posts:
piano10 · 12/08/2011 11:40

YANBU

AnyF · 12/08/2011 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

singforsupper · 12/08/2011 13:45

Oh ffs stop bickering you lot.

Animation you have a right to offer support to a poster as much as anyone else. If other people (AF) think you haven't, leave it be, it's really not worth it. Twas ever thus...

SheCutOffTheirTails · 12/08/2011 14:29

Telling a woman she has to stay with an abusive partner and try to stop him being abusive is not support.

tb · 12/08/2011 15:03

It's impossible for you to change anyone else but yourself. So, OP, your boyfriend will either change, or he won't.

One thing struck me that other posters haven't picked up, in your original post, you said that he is accusing you of being promiscuous. As he works as a personal trainer, could it be that it's him that's being promiscuous? Due to the nature of his work, he'd have plenty of opportunity.

Perhaps, a visit to a gum/sti clinic wouldn't come amiss, just in case.

MadameOvary · 12/08/2011 16:05

Animation, while I admire your desire to help the OP, I would lay money on the fact that you have never actually been in an abusive relationship. Please correct me if I am wrong ad I will happily apologise. Seeing and hearing about it is not the same as going through it.

Your comments about standing up to him are all well and good but you are ascribing the OP's DP with the responses and reactions of a non-abusive man. Which he clearly is not. The dynamic is completely different. Challenge an abusive man and he will not be shamed or enlightened into a new attitude. Rather he will turn it back on his partner as part of the general inability/refusal ro take responsibility for his actions.

It is like asking a tree to change its roots. Not possible. These are core values that have been ingrained since childhood. Intensive abuser programmes have a low success rate, so "standing up him" isn't going to cut it.

Why am I assuming he is abusive, you may ask? Why dont I give him a chance? Because a non-abusive man doesn't need any more than a quiet word to be shocked that his behaviour has a negative effect on you.

The fact that the OP has felt compelled to even seek advice on here speaks volumes.

AnyF · 12/08/2011 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

AnyF · 12/08/2011 16:16

has animation got a mate who works at MN towers or summat ? Hmm

further posts upthread also deleted for absolutely no reason at all, yet hers that urge a vulnerable woman to stay in an abusive relationship remain

something a bit wrong there...

AnyF · 12/08/2011 16:18

tb...I did pick up on that point many posts ago

someone who is that hung up on accusing their partner of being unfaithful and severely limiting their "opportunities" to do so, has something to hide themselves

he is cheating, I would bet a large amount of money on it

singforsupper · 12/08/2011 16:26

LEAVE IT AF. This is about OP, not animation, and not you.

AnyF · 12/08/2011 16:33

I am leaving it, SFS.

Since the perfectly reasonable things I say get deleted anyway, what is the point ?

It wasn't me that gave the call to arms though today, was it ?

Portofino · 12/08/2011 17:07

I go out for lunch with male colleagues, and male suppliers. I even have a slighty "dogdy" female friend who DH is not very keen on. But he would never dream of telling me who I could or couldn't see - and vice versa. We got together when I was much older than 18 and both of us have history - much more so than the op. It is the past. It stays in the past. To me THIS is normal.

OTheHugeManatee · 12/08/2011 17:12

It wasn't Animation that reported your posts, AF, it was me. I normally like and respect your views, but in this case felt that you were hijacking a thread with personal attacks.

Cocoflower · 12/08/2011 17:16

Saved me a job- I was about to report them too.

Portofino · 12/08/2011 17:19
Hmm
Portofino · 12/08/2011 17:21

I think AF generally posts sterling advice on Relationship threads and can entirely understand the source of her frustration here, where possibly dangerous advice is being given.

AnyFucker · 12/08/2011 17:25

OTHM...did you report animation's blatant call to arms post then ? I see it has gone.

I was no longer engaging with her, until she tried to say OP could be successful in standing up to an abusive bully by "proving" that she herself has "seen the MN bullies off"

Utter crock of shit

AnyFucker · 12/08/2011 17:28

I'd better check my email, methinks. Everything I write, rule-breaking or not is getting deleted. Perhaps I will be banned, forthwith.

At least I could say one thing, if that were to happen. I didn't urge a young girl to stay with a man that hates her. < shrug >

solidgoldbrass · 12/08/2011 19:34

I'd just like to add - if you [generic you] urge any woman to 'work at' an abusive relationship, you're an idiot and a misogynist. A jealous and insecure partner is an abusive one who should either be laughed at until s/he gets over it, or dumped (regardless of gender).

solidgoldbrass · 12/08/2011 19:54

And for those who want to carry on discussing the issues about how much control is acceptable if one partner is talking to other people I have started a thread elsewhere in the hope that this one can get back to being about the OP and her specific situation.
Oh and don't whine that you can't come into the feminist section because they might make you use your brain...

Portofino · 12/08/2011 19:54

Quite, SGB. I really hope OP has got some food for thought.

SirSugar · 12/08/2011 20:48

A bit late into the fray here...anyhow, its an absolute fucking liberty when someone who purports to love you polices your life like some deranged parent to the point when you give up just for a life of peace ( which you never get anyway ). Its not love, its profound lack of emotional security in themselves

I would agree with others that he is fucking about elsewhere as well, to get as much attention as he can which he needs to feed his insecurities. Its projection at its finest.

Witchofthenorth · 12/08/2011 22:14

AF I am sorry that your advice has been singled out on here as being offensive. FWIW I absolutely get your frustrations so far. I sincerely hope the OP has listened to the majority of posts on this thread and it gives her something to think about. < links arms with AF standing resolutely > :)

Thumbwitch · 13/08/2011 00:28

Am quite concerned about the suggestion that the OP should try to "change" her partner, since this is impossible. The only person who can change an adult for the better is that adult themselves. It is possible to destroy another adult's confidence, personality etc. by constant negativity - negativity is far more powerful (depressingly!) then positivity. Humans are naturally negative creatures, it seems to me - 10 people could tell you how fantastic you look but if one says you look ridiculous, that is the comment that sticks and worms away at your soul. Of course if you have supreme self-belief then you will toss that one negative comment out - but most people don't have supreme self-believe, most of us have doubts, however small, and negative comments feed those doubts.

In the OP's case - she has already had 6y of this treatment - negative, controlling behaviour - she has done well to decide now that she has had enough and wants a life of her own (don't blame you!) and this is to be ENCOURAGED, nothing else. If her P can accept it, then sure, why not keep him around. But if he insists it's "his way or nothing", then fuck him off smartish because he WILL NEVER CHANGE HIS MIND.

Seeing that you don't appear to be living together, do you have the first clue what he does with his time when he's not with you, OP? Because I tend to agree with AF and the others who suggested it - he's probably measuring you by his own standards and you're failing because of it. What I mean is that there is every chance he is being unfaithful, and because he is, he assumes you would be too.

Finally, as other posters frequently say - think of your own children - would you want them to end up in a relationship like yours? If not, then you shouldn't stay in it either - because your relationship will become the standard that your DC see and will set their own pattern.

pallymama · 13/08/2011 07:32

OP, I hope you're ok. I'm afraid I would be another voice against staying with your partner, but that's a lot easier to say from the outside. :)
If you really want to give it 3 months, then I would focus on setting boundaries immeadiately, very clear ones. I would also want to make sure that your heads in the right place as I know how easy it is for things to get twisted round so you're wondering if it really is your fault. This is not your fault, you are not to blame. Your past is no reason for him to not trust you now. You are allowed to speak to and be friends with whomever you like. He needs to change his behaviour, not you. Good luck, I hope all turns out for the best.