To separate from dp because I can't have a life of my own?

[Ja3]

Been with dp for 6 years and we have 2dc, but throughout this time all our arguments have been based around things I do to just try and be me which isn't very often.

For example going on facebook, talking to ex's or guys in general, going out with certain girlfriend's he doesn't approve of etc....

As much as I love him and want us to be together it seems that I can't have a life of my own separate from our relationship and it's making me feel trapped (at 24yrs old) and resentful as he does all the above and more without me complaining.

So I just wanted to know AIBU?

FWIW Animation I understand what you're saying. Relationships have really hit the rocks when either party is doing something purely to get back at the other, knowing they don't like it. Two wrongs don't make a right etc. and it could be resolved if everyone grew up a little. However, they're really in the irretrievable category (I think) when you add bullying and controlling behaviour into the mix. And that's the difference in what's being described here. A man that dredges up information about his partner's past, confessed to him in trust, and then uses it as a weapon to keep her in her place.... that's crossing a line.

Animation, the op has been in this controlling relationship for 6 years, I think if she was " capable " of setting boundaries she would have done so by now. Going by what she has posted, he has controlled how she lives her life from the beginning, for example, telling her he cannot be with her unless she removes her piercings, telling her what FEMALE friends she can speak to and socialise with as he does not approve of the others.....the exes are a byproduct of this controlling behaviour.

This is not a relationship in crisis, this is a young woman who is beginning to wake up and realise that this is not how healthy relationships are meant to be.

She probably does still love him and want to work things out, however, she also realises that this is no a good situation and has came on here for to confirm what she already realises but probably does not have he strength to commit to.....her partner is emotionally abusive, and I am sorry if you do not see it this way. I find it glaringly obvious.

OP please come back and let us know how you are. It is a Shame that thisthread has come to a silly debate between a few of us, it should be brought back to you. I am with anyfucker in that it is pointless engaging unless the op comes back and I sincerely hope she does.

Sorry I disappeared yesterday dp came round sooner than I expected and thankyou to everyone who has posted it was interesting to see the different viewpoints. I also want to apologise for causing a bun fight.

Just to clarify I never told dp I'm talking to ex's I just didn't lie when he asked who they were as I believe in being honest and thought that it was ok to have friends of the opposite sex in relationships but dp thinks I'm wanting too much

Anyway here's where we are now- after a long talk last night we decided to try and work things out based on a 3 month trial

(I hope this doesn't offend any posters who advised me to leave as I know your right in the long term but I'm finding it really hard to do right now, its a case of can't live with him can't live without him)

Hopefully in these 3 months I will begin to rediscover a life of my own again alongside my relationship and build the strength to sustain it

I know this is no easy solution to our deep routed problems and it will take more than 3 months but this was the only compromise we could come up with apart from separating, I guess this is my last chance to see if this relationship is worth saving

Anyway thanx again and any advise on how I can begin to get my life back and not fall in to the same trap (or other comments) would be v. much appreciated.

in this 3 months, is he still going to be controlling and abusive towards you ?

Have you made it very clear what you expect of him ? ie. this this and this are the things I will not tolerate

who is actually on trial here ? him or you ?

has he laid down any conditions that you must fulfil ?

I feel a bit silly right now but no we haven't set any expectations of one another it's just been talk of see where we are in 3 months and during that time I should just do me and see if he likes it

so yes, you are on trial

do you see this ?

you will "do me" ?

this is exactly what he threw at you the other night

he is setting you up to fail, love

you will still feel inhibited as he scrutinsies the real "you" and judges you wanting (you are not, btw, he is)

nothing changes

Op,

I normally dislike these threads where people ask for advice and the first thing suggested is to leave him. My personal opinion is that where there are children involved and a non abusive relationship, it is worthwhile talking openly to each other to see if things can be resolved.

I think it may be easy to lose a sense of yourself with two young children. What is it that you would change about yourself and your way of life if you could? Ime a relationship that works is one with trust where both people grow together- this requires freedom to change and still receive unconditional love and support. I don't understand this trial to be you for 3 months. In regards to going out with gfriends he doesn't like, it's irrelevant whether he likes them, he should trust you and he's not the one spending time with them.

Do you speak to your ex's on fb because you have regularly kept in contact with them or are you looking for some 'safe' attention? If the former then of course it's ok, if not then maybe you need to look at your reasons.

If he spends more time doing his own things, of course you will feel resentful if you can't. Can you set up an EQUAL amount of time each month where you each have time off individually while the other looks after the children? You can have free rein to do whatever you like in that time and trust each other. You will also need some time to spend together, maybe a date night if you can get a babysitter or at night after they have gone to bed where you can talknproperly and hopefully foster some trust in your relationship.

Btw I am not saying you should stay together at any cost, just that you seem to want to give it another try.

Anyway thanx again and any advise on how I can begin to get my life back and not fall in to the same trap (or other comments) would be v. much appreciated.

My advice would be to do what you said you would do in the first place and leave him. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. This 3 month trial is not going to end well, you'll be just as upset and stifled and wanting your own life as you are now. Why wait to get your life together and find yourself? Start doing it now, not in 3 months!

for you OP, as you otherwise sound like a strong woman and a good parent. You left him once, you can do it again. You deserve better than this shitbag. Normal relationships and good partners don't restrict who their wives/girlfriends talk to, they don't put each other down and they don't control each other's lives to the extent yours does.

He was the best guy I met at the time (at 18) says all I need to know. Just think how many better guys are out there now at 24. Your world at 18 was small, at 24 it's a lot bigger and at 25 or 26 or 27 it will be bigger still once you ditch this loser and open your mind up to the possibilities out there. The world awaits you! In a year's time, once you've left him, found your way back to a happy life for yourself and your DC, you will look back and wonder why on earth you stayed with him so long.

Good luck with it. You won't feel trapped any more if you get rid of him. It will be the most freeing feeling there is.

Thanks again for all your reply's

AnyFucker- I guess your right it is me who is on trial and things will probably not change but I don't have much more to lose by trying do I? As for setting out concrete expectations this is something I really need to do

Bub- All I want is to be able to speak to who I want and go out with friends every now and again without feeling like I'm betraying dp's wishes, as for the facebook thing I would have constantly been in contact with these ex's but I kept losing contact due to dp's wishes, it's only when we argue that I talk to them again as a way of proving a point not to be spiteful

Notmyprob- I think you have just written the end result of this situation but like I said before I don't have much more to lose

Look after yourself love

You know where we are x

Thankyou I really appreciate all your advice I'll probably be back on in 3 months or less telling you how right you were thanks again x

Thanks for coming back, btw

That was really brave bearing in mind you must have known you wouldn't get wholehearted agreement with your decision.

You can do better than him

never mind you are on trial

he isn't worth the mud on your shoe, love and should be stamped "defective " and sent back where he came from

one man is not worth it...not any man

I'm pretty appalled at the idea that a woman should stay in an abusive relationship because she has a 2 year old.

Ja3 - please rethink putting yourself through this "3 month trial". It is a complete waste of time, and you have plenty to lose by submitting to it - your self-respect, your mental health, your ability to actually leave.

There is no point in sticking around unless the relationship is going to get better, but what you have agreed to is that you will stay even though he has promised you that the relationship will get worse.

You deserve better than this. Everyone deserves better than this.

Ja3 - well good for you if you're giving this another go.

This is your opportunity to build yourself up and find your voice, so that you can set out your stall and stand up to this guy when you need to. You're going to have to learn to take him on and be firm when he directs derogatory associations at you, like "promiscuous". That has to stop - and these rough edges need knocking off him. You've some work to do, but if he's a half decent guy he will get the message and fall in line when he sees you mean business.

You don't need to spend the rest of your life standing up for yourself against a man who needs rough edges knocked off him.

Decent men don't try to control their partners. It's not something they need to be trained out of, because their decency means that they see their partners as full human beings deserving of respect.

I don't know when Mumsnet became a place where staying with an abusive man was considered to be an opportunity to stand up for yourself.

I don't think I've ever been as disgusted by anything I've read on MN as I am by what Animation has put on this thread. It is dangerous, wrongheaded, bad advice, and she seems to be doing it to score political points and not at all to protect you. Please give it the attention it deserves. That would be none.

Animation - why should the OP not be allowed female friends, as set out in the OP? Do you feel those in a relationship should not be allowed to talk to others? In such situations how would you set a standard for 'normality'?

Genuinely curious.

OP - I suggest that you think about other things than your partner. Find a book to read in the evenings or join a class if you can get childcare. Also - for every night out he gets, ask for a night out for yourself ie gym, class etc. Do things that mean that you are not thinking about him. I believe this will make you feel better and give you different ways of looking at the world that will help you know more about how you feel, and give you different options. Also, insist you get regular time without him. And don't give him approval. Perhaps this three months is to see how much he will do to improve for you.

Ja3 - regardless of the rights and wrongs of talking to exes - why do your family and friends not like him? This is the bit that worries me.

During your 3 months trial (sounds like a subscription offer), I suggest you keep a diary (on Word, passworded).

I also suggest that you try not to react when there is conflict in order to see how he reacts to that. So, if he whinges about how you place things in the dishwasher, instead of saying 'but I always put the cups on the top shelf...', say 'oh alright then' - I hope you get what I mean. Perhaps AF has some better examples.

And also, try to look at him as an outsider would. Perhaps then you will see him with the mind of an adult rather than as a child, which you were when you met him.

I've been there. It is so easy to lose perspective, but it's also easy to lose perspective on here when all around you are scrapping about nonsense, so do trust your own instinct - when you have found it again.

Make sure you spend that three months reminding him that he is neither your boss nor your owner and that you don't need his permission to socialise with other people. And do your best to have backup plans for when he sabotages your social life by 'working late' when you have agreed that he will look after the DC on a particular evening - because he will do this, and more. He is a controlling knobbo - the refusing to let him tell you what to do is more about strengthening your own purpose than expecting him to improve his attitude, because he won't.
And should he become aggressive at any point, all bets are off, end the relationship and throw him out. I would also suggest doing a little research into your legal/financial position when you get rid of him as it's handy to have the information - controlling men frequently insist that they will get custody of DC, have you locked up for being mad, leave you without a penny etc and it's all bullshit.

Lots of good advice here OP. Take heed, and please come back and lets us know how you fare will you?

Btw - I particularly support the advice that you take a chunk of time out to be as unconfrontational as you can...being agreeable and keeping your tone pleasant. Do this, and then watch amazed as he lambasts you anyway.
Then you will know.

Love to you xx

He's had 6 long years to show he's a 'half decent guy' and 'fall in line'. If he hasn't been able to manage it yet, within what sort of time frame should he able to to do it? Animation you have some seriously unhealthy ideas about relationships. :(

Ja3 - you do have something to lose by giving this waste of space another three month. In 3 months' time you could be that much further on and over him, but instead you'll be at square one, just starting the process. :(

I wish you all the best luck in the world and hope you feel you can come back here for support ant time.

Ja3 - All the best with your decision - feel free to join us on this thread for a supportive and understanding perspective.

You are only 24. Your life is just beginning and there is no reason to stay with him if he doesn't make you happy. You will cope without him and by staying with him you are simply missing out on finding happiness with someone who will let you be yourself. Controlling who you speak to, who you go out with etc, is not healthy behaviour and should not be tolerated.

It's a difficult but brave decision to leave a relationship, especially with children. But the tough decisions are often the right decisions.

OP, AF and animation do have some valid points in what they are both saying.

My DP has a few female friends,this does not bother me.

IME a few months back, one female friend of my DP's crossed so many boundaries this nearly split DP and I up, she messaged him on FB, texted him with her problems and confided in him.

My DP is very niave and tbh never sees the MAJOR RED FLAG

She flirted with him, said the most inappropriate things and at times he responded in the same way. She was extremely inmmature and a PITA.

At first I ignored it but as it was becoming more so on a daily basis it started to piss me off, DP called it banter and a laugh. I told DP that it is not clever for either parties to flirt, as time went on it got worse...this caused major arguments between us.
DP one day told me that she confided in him and told him not to tell her brother( DP is close friends more so with her brother) that she was now seeing a married man, he said he was extremely shocked by this and didnt know what to say to her. DP and I discussed this without any further arguments and we both agreed that she was to be removed off FB and her phone number off his contact list.

I would never try and control who DP talks to or who is friends with but in this instance he eventually seen her for what she was, a woman that preyed on men who are in committed relationships. She was bad news.

I could see how transparent she was before DP could see this for his own eyes.
Good outcome in the end.

Out of respect for DP I do not have ex's on FB, this is through personal choice, I dont feel it necessary to be in that much contact with them.

OP, if the control is beyond suffocation then this is no good at all, I wish you good luck with whatever you decide. x

OP, my exh was like that and then some - that is why he is an ex. I can't tell you how much easier life was without him in it.

"Decent men don't try to control their partners. It's not something they need to be trained out of, because their decency means that they see their partners as full human beings deserving of respect.

I don't know when Mumsnet became a place where staying with an abusive man was considered to be an opportunity to stand up for yourself.

I don't think I've ever been as disgusted by anything I've read on MN as I am by what Animation has put on this thread. It is dangerous, wrongheaded, bad advice, and she seems to be doing it to score political points and not at all to protect you. Please give it the attention it deserves. That would be none."

Shecutoftheirtails

I'm encouraging the OP to be assertive and set boundaries with this guy and that gets a you've "never been so disgusted by anything." What a dramatic and stupid thing to say!

NO, I am trying to score points. I think it's irresponsible with the information we've got to be pressuring her to leave for GOOD.

We don't know for SURE if this is a decent guy or not. He's got controlling traits, and it's NOT a relationship of equals, but so far the OP has not challenged him and set her boundaries. If she did, and if he's half decent and loves her things could change.

If things don't change - after three months. then she's got reason to leave,
but in the meantime she has to take him on, - making it clear that if he oversteps the mark she's off.

And yes, some controlling types can be trained.