Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

[bigbuttons]

try again

Wizbit - how did you know I thought it was my fault???

Im feeling bit better after a good cry. Was counselling yesterday and always feel bit drained after that. Life is tough right now. Am trying to detach from DH and also OM who I had an online dalliance with. He keeps popping in and out of my life and is as bad as my DH at making me feel like crap. I keep saying to my counsellor that maybe it is me, because surely I can't have 2 men like that? She assures me it is them not me but that's kind of hard to believe. Please don't flame me for that anyone, it's not where I want to be right now. He offered me so much affection and fun and was someone I thought of as a good friend. But now he can wound me with a few words and at the same time DH does the same and I'm a pathetic mess. I have a DH who doesn't care about me except as his possession and this man reminding me every week or so how he never really cared that much about me and doesn't have time for me. Sometimes it's hard to take.

MizzHyde, beware the couple's counselling: manipulative men can, well, manipulate the sessions, and the therapist even if she suspects there may be abuse will still hold each partner's feelings as equally valid (even abusive rages) and identify the triggers for those rages in the other partner's behaviour.

It's interesting she saw you alone last week. Was this an introductory session, or have you both been seeing her for a while?

I wouldn't recommend going in there armed with internet downloads. Do take notes, though, of what is said in these sessions. I did, near the end, and they revealed everything I need to know about my stbxh's mindset.

MizzHyde, snippets for you from a link I posted above:

almost universally, the abused woman thinks her abusive dude can be turned into a nice guy if she can just get him to understand that he?s been acting like an entitled prick. For instance, she wants dude to go with her to couples therapy, where she believes the therapist will validate her concerns in front of the dude, whereupon she will be vindicated as not-crazy, and the dude, confronted with his horribleness at last, will be shamed into changing his ways, and they will be a happy loving couple again.

It?s rare for an abusive man to truly become nonabusive; even men that take part in renowned abuser programs. Sadly, in therapy, most men just learn to abuse without looking bad, using new skills and psychological jargon to avoid taking responsibility for the pain they inflict.

If it's any comfort, mine didn't learn new tricks in couples therapy. He just openly revealed what a psycho he is, because he feels so deeply justified about anything he does. Take notes! But don't believe for one second that saying the word "abuse" to your abusive partner will give him a moment of revelation. He is much more likely to use your printouts to prove that you are abusing him.

herhissy, bigbuttons, hurryup, madame overy, anyone else.

H has discovered my MN ID so I will not be posting on here anymore. I have deleted most of my posts as a consequence.

Good luck to you all. Thanks for the ears.

Aw crap ribbons, I hope this doesn't have nasty repercussions for you.

Come back under a different username if at all possible -- using work computer or somesuch if that's a possibility.

Wishing you strength and a better future!

xxx

Obrigada: Try this link instead www.safeireland.ie/our-members/

Shit Ribbons

I hope you find a way to keep in touch xxxxx

Im sure he does think of me as an insane basket case. He is definately trying new tactics with me and getting worried. The threatening to leave no longer works, the telling me how he could do much better doesn't anymore either, I now no financially where I stand and he knows that too. I have gone from never going out and always being home to out twice a week. The drab mumsy clothes have gone, together with the mumsy body. It's like somebody upgraded his wife and he wants the old pliant one back.
And I know ExOM is a tosser, need to kick him to the kerb too. But it was nice having somebody be nice to me. Although he was never that nice, I just have very low standards!!!

I agree with your words about couples counselling. I did go to see a counsellor on my own last summer and concluded that I needed to end my marriage. It took me 6 months to get the courage to tell him this, but he won't accept it and insisted on doing the counselling instead. We have been going together for about a month but last week was the first time I went on my own.

We have two small children (age 3 and 6) and he told me if I wanted to leave I should go and leave them with him. Which obviously I will never do. He keeps telling me he will do anything to save our marriage. But I know he won't. Yet I can't seem to find the ability to just call my solicitor and serve the divorce papers.

I feel like a complete coward. I'm just carrying on as if nothing has changed while I feel like I am dying inside. So why is it so hard to just do it?

It's hard because it's completely changing your life as you know it, and that is very scary, and very destabilising.

It is also all the more difficult to do when you have been worn down and intimidated. His statement about your DC, for example, is a threat: if you leave, the DC stay with me.

You'll find the strength. You'll do what you need to do at your own pace.

"I'm just carrying on as if nothing has changed while I feel like I am dying inside."

I did that for a few months. IME it is not healthy to lead such a split life. I lost a ton of weight, couldn't sleep, had panic attacks... It is very damaging to deny yourself; to repress your wants and needs, the real you.

Think about how you are living your life now, and now think about how it would feel to make that call to your solicitor. Which one feels better to you? (it may be that you are just not ready; you'll know when you are)

What new tactics, omg?

If the OM made you feel nice for a while, then he has served some purpose. Don't let yourself feel shit now just because that's what he's trying to do. You don't need any more drains on your strength.

Speaking of, I've been hearing the work "draining" a lot on the Relationships board today. So true. I have a vision of stbxh as an angry tick. You know, our couples counsellor, the person who's supposed to be impartial and all, actually called stbxh a "parasite" (not to his face, mind; this was a solo session). Yes, these men are parasites, and they drain the very life's blood out of us.

Parasites can be removed. It may sting but doesn't cause permanent injury.

Ribbons, I have done what you asked.
I am so sorry.
I hope you are ok and if you can come back all and tell us how you are, please do.
Any way you can communicate is fine ok?
((Hugs))

Puppy (may I call you that?) you are right it is not healthy. I have gained a lot of weight b/c I can't stop eating crap, plus I can't get through an evening without copious quantities of wine, and I have started smoking again after 10 years off the ciggies. I never sleep through a whole night. My hair is visibly turning greyer every day.

I know that when I make that call (and it is 'when' not 'if') I will feel 100x better but also bloody terrified as he will have no reason to mask his abuse with (false) kindness.

He currently works from home, but as a result of the counselling is in the process of moving his office to his parents house. One of my big fears was that he would use his office as an excuse to stay in the house. Once he has moved his workplace, I am hoping I will find it easier to get him out completely. Of course he is stalling and it's taking forever, but the counsellor has promised me she will keep up the pressure on him to get on with it.

Lost weight, panic attacks, can't sleep - yes to all 3. This is making me ill. Tactics - well we've had the telling me I have anger issues (caused by the counselling apparently), the false niceness. I now wonder what will be next. The old buttons don't work when pushed anymore.
And about OM making me feel good for a while. Haven't looked at it like that because he keeps trying to take that away. But it was nice and life can be nice again one day I hope :)

Annie I think they have you know?! lol. That's why i'm grateful for the support we all get on here. Hissy I text her back said moreorless what you told me to. IM&MPN thankyou, I definately don't have the energy reserves atm so have decided to be selfish on all acounts-re hubby, family & friends and just focus on the children and myself for the 1st time in my life. Obri & Mizzhyde welcome :) wizbit thanks for that, no2 sticks out like a sore thumb. Omg how are you this evening? Sorry to anyone missed.

Also, ribbons so sorry he found it. Hope you are ok & can let us know how you are doing somehow.

i keep trying to post but it wont let me !!!!

Is "it" your new name for your DP, mountbazens?

I'm off to bed, I need to regenerate. xx

(perhaps that was inappropriate. really hard to make jokes about horrible controlling situations.)

aha now it does of course!..
misspixie the same thing happened to me with a 'friend' of nearly 20 years.. i was so upset to begin with but i have also decided to concentrate on me and ds instead of worrying about other peoples headspaces.
.. have had a couple of good days with h but today he starts freaking out because i woke him up this morn for an important appt at 9.30 ! of course if i hadnt bothered i would have got screamed at for that too...
what really upsets me is that he accuses me of 'sleeping with every man i ever met' before i had ds 3 yrs ago.. and this is when my perception of that time is that we were head over heels in love during the 'honeymoon' period...he even invents scenerios that never happened to justify his ranting... i just dont get it... and now i am facing having to move back to uk alone with ds just to get away.. so upset and worried about how it will all turn out... i know ther is no point worrying but i cant help it and what is worse is that i really miss the 'old' him :(

hello xx

Morning all.

My decision for the day is that I am going on medical half-time again. Sometimes, you just can't cope with your private life and do well at work, and there are solutions out there for us to take. I've been feeling guilty about it, but it's the right decision.

So if any of you are feeling guilty about how your relationship issues with abusers are affecting your functioning: don't. That's life, and everyone gets ill or needs personal time to regroup and become functional again. Don't hesitate to use any solution that works for you.