Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

[bigbuttons]

try again

all because i toldd him to turn his electric guitar off at 3am

Yikes jk are you ok? That sort of thing would leave me a bit shaken. Good for you for doing something about it.

notsorted in no way are you responsible for him abusing you. And the fact that he can control himself around his mother is the most chilling thing: it means that he chose to hurt and frighten you, because he thought he could get away with it. But it sounds like your lawyer is saying that he can't get away with it :) Your lawyer has probably seen this before, and by not being personally involved isn't affected by the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that I keep reading about (and am no doubt a victim of myself). But stopping contact is a big thing to do, isn't it? I'm in a similar position myself and I wish I could see my own situation as clearly.

JK I hope the police do something about him.Thats harrassment among many other things. Can you get a restraining order against him?

Mr Predictability was out in full force this morning. After having himself a few drinks last night I got up this morning with the DCS as I am busy this afternoon with my mother. He was supposed to go out for the afternoon with my DCs and my father was going to take them out for the day as the weather is nice. DCs all excited about it. MrP said this morning" Can you cancel that today. I don't want to go. They can stay here." Much groaning and moaning about pain. What new.
How about no. How about you stay here you lazy ass. I slipped and fell yesterday. Really hurt my hip leg and wrist and am feeling the effects today but I'm not going to cancel on my mother when I'm needed. I'm not going to ruin my DCS day.
CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL. Has to have things his way. Raged at me for underminding him by allowing older DC to have a cd on to go to sleep as DC has been having trouble sleeping lately. Raged that it was not what he would allow and that it was going to end up being a habit.
SO WHAT?? I said.
Then row from last night kicked off (previous comment)

Twat.

My side is aching! I'm off to find some painkillers!

Dear BF,
hope the sun is shining where you are. Go and see your parents and ensure the kids have a marvellous time. He sounds like he'd be a really fun guy to be around today, not.
Hope your back gets better

Had the talk with him last night. Gave him the book. Told him that if he dismisses all this he's out. Wish me luck.

Thanks NS I think I've just given myself a few bruises thats all ! I'll live!
Barbie Good Luck with that. Let us know how it goes. When stbx saw my book by accident he told me I was being brainwashed. Predictable as always!

Morning everyone,

JK WTF??? at this neighbour of yours. Good for you for calling police.

Breakfree FFS Who does he think he is??? "I don't want to go" Fucking immature twat with no notion of responsibility. Unfortunately it is ALWAYS prudent to assume they will do something like this and have a backup plan. I hope you feel better soon sweetheart.

notsorted - Hissy is right. Can I add - DO NOT let him see you rattled. Just say "I think it would be better for all concerned if this was dealt with via a contact centre" If he tries to argue, have some prepared non-answers like
"I really have given this a lot of thought" or
"I must do what I think is best for DC"
"Its really the easiest option for DC"
"Obviously if you want to explore other avenues that's up to you"

barbie - good luck with giving him the book, I dont have high hopes, sorry, would be nice to be proved wrong though!

Got to go now, sorry haven't been aroud much as DD is toilet training and doing really well, but have to be vigilant which takes quite a lot of my MNing time.

Oh and X is picking her up this afternoon and taking her out for a few hours. Spoke to him yesterday for first time in over a fortnight. He is still insisting he has done nothing wrong and why can't I just trust him. Whe I said I cant as it was over for me he said "Well if you ever change your mind I'll be here"

So the message is clearly getting through then

Anyway, am having a pretty pleasant time away from him, nice to be able to think for myself and enjoy my own space. Still very much "in recovery" though.

Look, notsorted, if he's actually attacking you (even verbally, let alone the other stuff) in front of the DCs then that is abusive for them to witness, and therefore unacceptable. It's not at all the same as you refusing contact because he had been horrible to you - which would be all about your feelings rather than their welfare. It's right and proper to shield children from that kind of behaviour. He may be trusted to see them but he has shown he cannot be trusted to see them with you.

Also perfectly reasonable that you do not accept the OW is a responsible person to supervise contact. Again this is not about being vindictive on your part (although that would be understandable, but the law wouldn't back you up). It's not "that woman stole my husband so I don't want her anywhere near the DCs". It's about whether you can trust someone with your precious children. You have no reason to trust her. What do you know about her inclination or ability to stand up to ex if he starts something? How do you know she wouldn't collude in a plan to abscond with them? Answer, you don't. So it isn't reasonable to expect you to agree. It should be someone you trust to safeguard their welfare, or nobody.

You're allowed to worry about this stuff, you know, you're not a bad mother for it. Quite the reverse in fact. You need to worry about it.

notsorted I'd be very, very surprised, not to mention disgusted, if OW was permitted to supervise contact. I think Annie hit the nail on th head. This is an incredibly tough time for you, but your solicitor is right. {{{notsorted}}}

Barbie what did he say when you gave him the book?

Grrr, wanted to comment on other posts but running out of battery! Stay strong girls. Thinking of you all. Will catch up later.

MO? If you ever change your mind I'll be here?

Here? Here? Well he needs not to be. Get the git a ffing ticket to the Far Side of Fuck. ONE WAY!

Try telling him,"... if you honour the publishing contract, I might consider it you fucking arsehole..."

Annie's points are brilliant.

notsorted Write them down as bullet points so you can calmly and dispassionately talk to the solicitor and state why his order/supervision is not going to work.

The OW is clearly too oblivious/cockstruck to know what new level of hell she is already on the outskirts of, she'll have been told all kinds of crap about you.

Thankyou so much for your comments. Over my wobbles now. And am having a great day with the kids and feeling strong enough to do the housework, sort stuff out and get on with mine and their lives.

Barbie be careful and have some good strong boundaries for aftermath of him reading the book. More likely to skim and that will be further ammunition for him against you.

Someone in RL suggested that this is them feeling pushed. Don't want all the awful and documented stuff he has done to come out in court. I've also thought about alternatives re contact to OW. Fact is I've never met her, obvs, no one in his family has met her and to be quite honest think she could be in the process of having the wool pulled over her eyes.

'He may remain on good behavior with his new girlfriend even longer than he did with you because he is motivated by his campaign against you. Of course, his other side will slip out sooner or later, but by that time he can blame it all on how badly you have hurt him. His girlfriend thus gets sucked into breaking her back trying to prove that she?s a good woman?unlike you. By the time his selfish and abusive side finally gets so bad that his new girlfriend can?t rationalize it away any more, she?s in pretty deep. She may even have married him by that time. For her to accept that he is an abuser, she would have to face what a terrible wrong she did to you, and that would be quite a bitter pill to swallow. So what tends to happen instead is that his new partner becomes angrier and angrier at you for the way she is being treated by him, believing that you?made him this way? by hurting him so badly.' Lundy Bancroft

And found this bit too

'As a counselor of abusive men, I have dozens of times been in the position of interviewing a man?s former partner and then speaking with the new one. The new partner usually speaks at length about what a wicked witch the woman before her was. I can?t tell her what I know, much as I wish I could, because of my responsibility to protect the confidentiality and safety of the former partner. All I can say is ?I always recommend, whenever their are claims of emotional or physical abuse, that women talk to each other directly and not just accept the man?s denial.' Lundy Bancroft

And guess what I fell for being sorry for him because he was emotionally bruised by the 'mad' behaviour of the one before me. And I never met her either even though they kept in touch as friends.
I don't want DCs sucked into anymore madness, no way!

notsorted: good for you! you dug all that out and now you know what you need to do and more importantly, what NOT to do.

don't compromise on this truth. for the sake of your DC, stick to what is the truth and what the professionals are telling you. This man is not suitable to have contact with you or with his DC.

quick update, hes been detained and charged under section 4a of the public order offences and is staying in until monday when it goes to court. amazing i could do that when i let ex do worse eh

Good for you JK.

Good news JK

I've been out for most of the day. Reminded him of the book this morning, left, came back, reminded him this evening, he got twattish about 'how many books have you read today then?' as expected. I glared, then he fumbled about 'have a look later on...'. I will keep reminding him that this is his last chance, we can't go on unless there are changes.

I don't actually expect much from this, I do realistically think that he'll read the book and be even more of a twat than he already is. But I need to give him the opportunity to realise how fucked up he has become, in the same way that I did when I read the book. At least then I can leave and say I have given him every opportunity.

I'm not really expecting change at all. If it happens, great. If it doesn't, well, plan A will still be there. I will NOT allow myself to accept a second rate relationship any longer.

I will NOT allow myself to accept a second rate relationship any longer.

Hear hear!

Since we're five posts away from this thread being full, I've started a new one http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1265879-Support-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-3

Bear with me as I copy our library of links into the opening posts of the new thread.

NEW THREAD http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1265879-Support-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-3

New thread HERE

'how many books have you read today then?'

Well if it was me, the answer would probably have been one, if you mean a whole (smallish) book, or two or three if you mean how many have I dipped into. I'm a bit of a reader in between the Mumsnetting

But you're not asking him to read a book in a day, are you? You're asking him to start looking at Chapter One. And to save a marriage, that isn't a massive ask, unless he's actually unable to read and ashamed to tell you. (I'm guessing you'd have noticed if that was the case.) It's absolutely right to give someone a chance - anyone can change their behaviours for the better if the will is there, and the rewards for all of you, including him, would be tremendous. However, if he can't even be bothered to take the very first step towards trying to understand what you're complaining about, it doesn't look amazingly hopeful. I agree the only thing you're likely to get out of this exercise is a clear conscience.

Barbie, you have asked him to read which book? is this Lundy? I hope to god it's not, asking an abusive male to read a book such as this is giving an arsonist a petrol pump and a box of matches.

I woke to a 'mis-sent text' this morning, "habibi, I just got back in, kiss" - OK so habibi can be used for a male, but kisses? the fucker.

I texted him 'Moving onto a new victim already?' Then You confused me with your ex -gf's birthday - again - and now this text sent clearly to a woman. Listen, what you are doing is now justifying my decision to end it, I tried for at least 3 years to ask you to stop being mean to me, and STILL I gave you more chances to become the person you pretended to be at the beginning, and to those you want to impress. If you are going to carry on trying to get at me for rejecting you, there will be consequences. I don't and never did deserve this dreadful treatment, so for the sake of what your son will think of you, pack this crappy revenge in now.

Em Hissy, perhaps Habibi is a bloke - you never know. But that doesn't make any difference really does it. Your response would be the same, assertive and right down to the point with no messing about.

I like the "for the sake of what your son will think of you" bit. How can they think nobody else will know?

Thanks Annie, me offering him to read the Beverly Engel book is simply me trying to clear my conscience. In the same way that I sought a male counsellor for him to talk to. As you say if he isn't prepared to read a chapter of a book for me, he really doesn't care enough.

I also agree that anyone can change if they really want to. I don't believe in the view that once someone is diagnosed with a condition or disorder, they can't change. I've been exposed to a lot of mental health issues in family and it is precisely this attitude that causes so many problems - assuming people can't help themselves is often a very convenient way to give up on them. It is used by men, women and particularly institutions as an excuse to maintain the status quo for their own selfish reasons.

But I am fully aware that changing behaviour isn't about making a promise to change, it's about a fundamental realisation and commitment. It needs support and initiation by others but the commitment has to come from the individual.