Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

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Hey Hissy,
don't worry about crying. Why not give WA a call too today? You've got a bit of a wait til next group meeting and this is clearly causing you some upset.
I also spoke to someone on Gingerbread helpline who was really helpful too.
I've found doing something each time I've come up against a painful bit is helpful. Posting here is good but also helplines clarify things too.
((hugs))

BJ I hope you manage to have a lovely holiday in spite of it all. Just bask in the knowledge the bloke has no idea what's coming to him! ;) if his anything like mine who's convinced he's going to win me round again . Did it this morning, i said to him if dd was better i'd take them to the park friday & saved ice cream money, found him running around in the tin, i told him to put it back and wouldn't let him leave (took his car for MOT) until he'd put it back! Told him that in itself is disrespect

Rummaging i meant to say. Hissy sorry you're feeling so upset today, you've come so far. Right confession time, i too have rang WA up before a while back and they were really lovely. Please don't feel you're going to be clogging the line up they have hundreds of people working for them and it might just be what you need x

Hissy nothing to add that hasn't already been said, just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and that I think your DS will be very proud of you one day.

ThereGoes thank you for the post re: waking up but not having left yet. I can identify with everything you said. Right now I think reality has hit H and its sinking in that I am going within the next few weeks. He is in a sulk at the moment, avoided me all last night, left this morning without uttering a single word. To be fair, I am allowing him this as this would probably be a normal reaction for a guy that's been told his wife is leaving and taking the kids without even "trying" (that being his perception of it). It will be a miracle if we can get through the next few weeks without things turning acrimonious.

I'm OK, concerned for DS naturally, but he is mostly OK. I think he'll get there in the end.

The group lady said DS is too young for help through Turning Point, but I rang the HV today and explained the situation to her and what group leader had said, what I had said to DS and she said the same as everyone here that it was the right thing to say, that he'll probably be OK, but to keep talking to him, keep listening and have lots of fun with him.

Holidays on 10th August.... yippeeee!

HV did say that there is a child pschyologist at the surgery if I needed more help and to come and get referred if the situation worsened.

thanks all, for all your kind words, its so helpful!

Can I rant/scream? Is there anyone there?

Have been wrestling and wrestling with dilemma and have probably said the same thing over and over again, but it's going round in my head.
Most of the abuse was directed at me, some at DCs and they witnessed a lot and have been told by sol that this is a good reason enough to stop contact at the mo. I am angry, sad, grieving still. Most of all angry and sad at the fact that I would like some kind of resolution and conclusion.
I wonder whether following advice to stop all contact between him and DCs is my issue and am confusing my abusive relationship with him with access to DCs. I want to be strong, but then I feel I'm being abusive by withholding contact. I suppose I worry that I am somehow using contact as a carrot for him to address abusive behaviour then we can have the sort of adult, sensible conversation that would lead to resolution??
I just don't know what the right thing to do is? And I hate not having a solution that will work in coming weeks.
I want to see him/don't want to see him. Would like to talk/am frightened of talking/frightened of either being shouted at or cold-shouldered. And unlike a lot of you, it was him who left after an abusive episode, not me chucking him out. Mess, mess, mess

TBH, from a selfish perspective, it's better FOR YOU if you don't have contact with him, or if you must, then totally on your terms. Like me, if he starts up, I put the phone down. He won't call me, it costs him a fortune to do so, and he will text for me to call him back.

Usually he asks to speak to DS, so I call the number and hand the phone to DS. DS hands me the phone after X asks to speak to me and I click the END button. Job done!

My X never really directed any abuse at DS, only really at me. Had that been different, it'd make my decision much easier.

How old are your DC again? ARE they unsettled by seeing him? Are YOU unsettled having contact with him, even for their sake? If the answer to either of those questions is yes, then you need to - at least - take a break for a while, to gather your own strength, for your DC to do the same and for you all to heal.

You can not move on if you are constantly in contact with men like this. I have been booting poor old JK up the behind recently for this very same reason, she is trapped in her life, sad and lonely, and this is because she has maintained contact, hanging on to the fact that X is a decent bloke and needs to see her DS.

He ISN'T a decent bloke, and actually DS and HER need some decent time to get away from him, out of his clutches and to a space that is all theirs, before they let that poor excuse for a pair of balls anywhere near them.

If your XH - even if only for a second - vented the fury and foul abuse on them that he heaped on you, then GAME OVER tbh, he ought to have thought of that. Stop contact immediately and tell EVERYONE why.

Hissy, guess part of me would like to see him and work out if he is being Jekyll or Hyde.
Hyde can't see the DCs unless supervised. Jekyll comes on the scene and I feel sorry for situation. Wonder if some good can be achieved somehow, with communication re the DCs.
They are 7 and 3. I don't trust him to do anything with them on his own. Or rather, if there is a problem or something stressful then don't know how he will react.
I was in position of feeling I could manage his abuse up to a point, so dilemma is what he will do on his own? Or if it is me who was just the focus, which is what he says. But that's blaming me still isn't it?
Last time he did have contact, he was absolutely evil to me afterwards, verbally.

I think that tbh you need to listen to the legal professionals.

It takes a lot for someone to be told they have to see their own DC only when supervised.

You need to weigh up if he is a positive influence in everyone's life, if not, then he has to be managed, controlled and if need be, excluded.

Don't allow yourself to be confused or sympathetic, Jeckle IS Hyde, Hyde IS Jeckle. Only Jeckle is the bastard that sucks you in, so Hyde can flatten you.

The only thing I will remind you of is the phrase "What's In It For Me?" Hurts you? harms your DC, upsets you via the DC, adversely affects them/their behaviour. Take charge and make the decision for everyone.

It's not only your right as the sane, normal and loving parent/woman, it's your responsibility to yourself and to your DC.

Just saw this organisation on twitter...

we need to help spread the word!

www.giveandmakeup.com/p/about-us.html

Hissy are you there?
Got email via someone else saying ex was applying for interim contact order and that if it is to be supervised then suggestion is the OW who he taunted me with as reason to do as I'm told or he will be spending more time with her.
WTF. Um it's unlikely isn't it that she will get supervision?
And btw am being told by her and his mum that they have seen nothing except him being sweetness and light to DCs.
Does that include calling me every name under the sun in front of them? Throwing things, putting hands round neck? Or is it just me? In which case I'm being made out to be the guilty one again for provoking rather than him for not being able to deal with parenthood, guilt over affair etc by abusing me.

what is this? I'm not sure I understand?
He wants the OW to be the person to supervise?

get advice. gut reaction? if he wants to play hard ball, insist on Contact Centre, or you will withdraw all contact.

This is just the BIG STICK notsorted, don't panic. this is GUFF and any judge would see through this. You can get real people to back you up, real orghanisations to give you proper advice.

don't even blink. He won't get this through.

Dear Hissy,
thank you. My solicitor suggested no contact because of abuse. It took her to really shock me into recognising that my efforts to 'manage' this were futile and that it was real abuse.

And now I feel that getting notice of this weird idea just after the kids tea and when I had planned to have a nice evening, weekend with them have left me a wreck.
I can't stand all this appalling stuff. In my heart of hearts, I would like an amicable arrangement but only once he has at least begun to attend a domestic abuse course. Do you reckon they are trying everything to avoid the truth coming out?
I was so stupid in believing his lies and being scared into not doing the right thing for the kids because I wanted the relationship with him. I feel they are both abusing me now - a bit extreme but there you go.

notsorted what a nightmare for you. Remember you are the mother of his children. He should want to treat you with the utmost respect. You shouldn't be expected to wish and hope for that respect. Hold your head high girl. Remember you deserve that respect and any other decent man would give you at least that, regardless of affairs and history. The fact that you are the mother of his kids is the deciding factor. Be strong for your dcs. They know exactly what's going on. He needs to remember that the truth, however much he wants to hide it, will always come out eventually, through them. He would be wise to stop his obstructive nonsense now.

notsorted, it's OK. It's OK to hope.

But your hope is misplaced. He can't be that person.

There isn't going to be an amicable arrangement, he is never going to attend a DV course, why would he, he has a shagbuddy on tap now without going to be lectured at or ridiculed or worse, forced to stop treating women like shit.

Your solicitor has told you clearly to keep the DC away from him.

You need to protect them, from HIM.

If your legal team are saying this, then they can easily defeat any bollocks he comes up with and view it with the cynicism it deserves. that it is more controlling, manipulative abuse, and must be thwarted.

Let go NS, please, just let it all go.

he is never going to be a decent man, he is never going to repect you or your wishes, he will continue to fuck with your mind at any given opportunity.

You need to read some Lundy and others and understand what you are playing with here. You are trying to negotiate with a wall, it'll never ever bend to your way of thinking. Not even when you close your eyes, cross your fingers and pray really, really hard.

Please understand this. Please write him off. Stop wishing he'll become normal. he won't.

had shit with neighbour again and hes now been arrested, god i dont need this

bejeezus OBSTRUCTING

Story of my life. Everything I do, is done, or happens, doesn't pass without a negative comment. Is this in date? When did you buy it? Where did you buy it from? Talking over me all the time, interrupting me, the kids, butting in, ignoring. Putting stuff wherever he feels like putting it - someone has to find a place for it, oh look it's me again! Saying he's going to do something and then either not doing it at all, doing it really badly, or leaving it til it's too late.

Right, if you want to engage in conversation with someone, you talk about things that lead somewhere, don't you? Subjects that you can have a two-way conversation that progresses and develops, in a lighthearted and interesting way. Not here it doesn't. It might start, then it's cut short with a thump with a sideways comment, a change of tack, or an oppositional opinion.

notsorted I can only assume you are trying to maintain this relationship in order to keep contact between ex and dcs for their sakes. That's what a good mother tries to do. Sadly they've not got a good father. Are you trying to enable a relationship (between dcs and him) that may never have really existed anyway?

jklikesrowing

Are you ok?

JK, WTF is this guy doing?

i am ok, just shaken, ds was up when he started too, it worries him, need to get deadlock fitted asap xx

Hi everyone. Have just been reading back. NS I hope you are ok and that you get the Lundy book. Its really very good and totally gives you clarity on the situation. I have it and the first time I opened it I cried my eyes out with the realisation. 10months later I'm still in the same situation but I don't take as much crap as I used to. He is still an ass most of the time but I know I will end this eventualy. At the moment, I don't know why, but I'm just unable to take that step. He still has this manipulative hold on me. He just argued with me out of the blue a few minutes ago. We rowed last weekend and he refused to come to a family day out with me and the DCS so as you know I went myself with the DCS and then when I got home I told him to put the DCs to bed and I went off out to a friends house for the evening. ONLY now nearly a week later has he brought it up to start a row with me. How selfish and disrespectful I am along with calling me a b twice in the space of 2minutes. He also brought up things from the past as well to add more ammo to his rant. I simply said to him that I wasn't arguing wih him and I was going to go to bed and walked out.

Hissy hope you are well and everything is ok with your DC. You are so strong and I admire you so much. x

Sorry JK just saw your post too WTF happened!

neighbouur came to my door last week with pitbull and started abusing me in front of dc, they gave him an harrasment order and tonight he was shouting abuse frim underneath the flats at me, so i called old bill

What's his problem with you?!

Well done for calling the police.

Hope they throw the book at him.