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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

1000 replies

bigbuttons · 28/06/2011 06:45

try againHmm

OP posts:
Mouseface · 30/06/2011 12:14

Afternoon.

I've been to the docs and he's uppped my pain meds so if I start waffling nonsense, it's the morphine Grin

Sending strong vibes to you all to get you through the day. And the night. xx

wizbitwaffle · 30/06/2011 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 30/06/2011 13:23

God I hate the intimidation tactics. You have my sympathy, wizbit. Vile and pathetic behaviour.

fumblebuck · 30/06/2011 17:21

Been watching this and the old thread for a while. Great support network here, glad I've found it. Not strong enough to post myself yet but just wanted to express my gratitude to you all.

Smile
MadameOvary · 30/06/2011 18:34

Hello everyone Smile
I have had a fabulous day. Needless to say X played no part in it.

Montbazens I wrote a long post last night in response to you and then MN wouldn't connect and I lost it grrr.

About missing the "old him" Yes so do i, however it was just a mask. What I really - and you might also - miss, is the old you who fell for it, who was in love with him, who believed that you had met your soulmate ad that he was worth fighting for Sad

Dont get me wrong, I wouldn't be back there for anything, but this stage I am at, where I still love him but realise he will never change and come to terms with ending it, is hideous. He is the opposite of what I need: dour, morose, self obsessed and obstructive.

And he did the custody threats too. Laughable.

MadameOvary · 30/06/2011 18:43

Welcome fumblebuck. No rush. You are amongst friends. Smile

MadameOvary · 30/06/2011 18:48

Hello MrsDrOwenHunt Glad you found us!

Mouseface · 30/06/2011 19:35

Good evening ladies Smile

A fellow MNer posted this thread a while back now. Every now and again a poster will bump it to bring it up the list when there are a lot of DV/abuse threads.

I wanted to link it on here for you all to have a look at, if you've not already seen it. I found myself smiling and nodding in all the right places.

I hope those who haven't seen it before, understand why I have posted the link. Smile

HERE

montbazens · 30/06/2011 20:43

god another rubbish day... the madness and b*s**t he is coming out with is beyond my comprehension... all a bit too much really :(
good to have a bit of support here

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 30/06/2011 21:04

I printed that post and kept it in my handbag for 2 months while I was steeling myself to leave, Mouseface. It was a little piece of portable resolve that helped immensely!

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 30/06/2011 21:06

montbazens don't torture yourself trying to understand it: his mind doesn't work like yours. It's not really understandable on any rational level.

Do you want to tell us more?

HerHissyness · 30/06/2011 21:09

montbazens - disengage, if you can do a mental head pat, a there there you fucking loon and detach.

Don't try and comprehend what these nutjobs think, it's bonkers and you'll drive yourself round the bend.

Know only one thing, that HE is wrong, and YOU and all of US are right.

Hang on to that for dear life, it'll get you through. trust me.

montbazens · 30/06/2011 21:55

i do try to detach myself... its very wearing though and i just want to cry but have to keep it together....
he just constantly constantly ranting on about how we would be fine if i just stopped lying and 'confessed' about how i have constantly cheated on him... even going so far as to say i slept with his dad !! completly delusional and trying to justify his bad behavoir... he is just so vile to be around...
i kinda have an escape plan but it involves moving back to uk where i have apossible job offer in autumn but very difficult as i have no support there and would be moving to an area i dont really know... where i live there is no work at all and very little opportunity... although it is stunningly beautiful it can be a bit isolating in winter.. difficult when stuck indoors with a 2 yr old !! rather confused to say the least... scrambled brain !!

ViVee · 30/06/2011 22:03

Arrgh ... am finding my way through a self destruct mode - why do I do it??? far too much alcohol & cigarettes. getting my head together now. trigger was that I have realised that I will always have to 'deal' with H for a very long time as we have children.

will read through posts.

[for those of us who are angry - my counsellor recommended a book - the dance of anger (harriet lerner).]

V xxx

snowmama · 30/06/2011 22:10

Great reminder, Mouseface , wishing strength to montbazens and fumblebuck and all those having a tough time at the moment...it can all just be so wearing and relentless ..just do what you can to survive, and don't feel guilty about that.

Having an odd week emotionally. X has not seen the kids for a couple of months, I have just started divorce and related proceedings, and suddenly he wants to come to see them. The kids will be happy to see him, and he has never done anything negative against the kids....so why am I feeling uneasy?

iampos · 30/06/2011 23:06

Hi snowmama, first time posting for me, been reading for a few days now and doing lots of thinking 'n' stuff regards own life, anyway just needed to say to you that I think you really need to trust your own instincts on this, if you are feeling uneasy there is usually a good reason! sorry if I'm poking my nose but you feeling uneasy makes me uneasy for you

seriouslynow · 01/07/2011 02:35

montb, and anyone else who wonders whether to uproot their tiny dc's, just please do it. I wish I'd had this thread 10 years ago, when I knew something was seriously wrong, but I didn't know what EA was, I'd never seen MN and I thought, in my ignorance, that it would be better to wait until the dc's were grown. I thought I could survive it, control it and manage this life in the meantime.

Don't think it will be easier in a few years. It will be a thousand times harder. The EA spills its bitterness into your whole life, including your children's lives and your relationship with them. And the getting them a better life just seems a whole lot harder.

You will have to manage your dc's, who will then be teens, in ways you cannot imagine now. Their real needs and feelings. Their friends, their plans, their hopes, their memories. A two year old doesn't have these things. A two year old just needs someone to love them, nurture them, they just need food, affection, and loads of love. They don't have any emotional baggage yet, and they don't have a bedroom full of much loved photos and posters, shoes and books, favourite diaries and scrapbooks, headphones and surfboards!

If you need to go now, you can put your dc's most important stuff in one bag and go!!!

Just rambling here. Very late, can't sleep. Strength to you all.

montbazens · 01/07/2011 07:08

thanks seriously now,i know i have to move sooner rather than later... i want to get ds settled well before he starts school...just hard to make that first move... i know what i need to do.. its just doing it !

snowmama · 01/07/2011 07:57

Xposted with you last night Vivee, super naive question, but what in particular about the kids means that you have to stay with your H. Don't answer if you don't want to.

Iampos I hear what you are saying, will need to formulate a plan. Hope you stick around, and we are about when you want to share your story.

Very good points Seriouslynow.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/07/2011 08:27

Xh used to accuse me of sleeping with other men. Sometimes I think he's genuinely paranoid, other times I suspect he knows jolly well I didn't do anything of the sort. He just knew it would insult me and make me defensive.

fumblebuck · 01/07/2011 08:46

Just been listening to a song on the radio and it made me think of this thread:

"Heal Over" KT Tunstall

It isn't very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn't take a genius to realise
That sometimes life is hard
It's gonna take time
But you'll just have to wait
You're gonna be fine
But in the meantime

Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday

And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
Because pain's built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds
Come over here lady

Don't hold on but don't let go
I know it's so hard
You've got to try to trust yourself
I know it's so hard, so hard

Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over, heal over, heal over someday

HerHissyness · 01/07/2011 09:21

Vivee, you can be free, away from a dreadful, abusive X, but he can still have contact with the children, as long as it's safe for them.

You don't have to live with him. It's better for everyone if you don't.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 01/07/2011 09:27

Vivee I was just having a conversation about why we self-destruct and self-sabotage with a colleague of mine, who identifies as a co-dependent people-pleaser too.

I think everyone makes themselves hit rock bottom in order to kick their way back up again. The danger is that people who know how to endure abuse have a very high tolerance for pain, so it probably takes a lot more damage (self-inflicted or not) for us to start clawing our way up again. Where another person would end the self-destruction a lot earlier, as their self-preservation instinct would kick in a lot sooner.

The only solution I came up with is to try to tell yourself that you don't deserve all this damage; try to stop the self-destruction before your own personal rock bottom; try to bring your own personal rock bottom to a healthier threshold because you are a valuable human being who does not deserve to suffer this much.

Mouseface · 01/07/2011 10:23

Morning all.

Nothing to repeat to those who are new or/and are feeling scared, trapped, and vunerable.

YOU CAN GET OUT AND YOU CAN SURVIVE.

Believe in yourself and you will start to grow stronger. xx

bejeezus · 01/07/2011 12:33

I've just sent my marriage certificate to the lawyer to start the divorce proceedings

that piece of paper brought back so many happy memories; it was such a lovely day

my heart is hurting

wobble Sad

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