Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

[bigbuttons]

try again

Knock some sense into me:

I have done FUCK ALL at my job since February. I was scared for my life, just left 12-year abusive relationship, dealing with legal/medical/penal paperwork, and just basically frantic.

Now I am no longer frantic. I want to die. I am doing no more work than I was 4 months ago. I called in sick today, telling myself I would work on the files I have on my home computer that have been hanging over my head since February. It's 4 pm and I haven't touched them.

My boss is wonderful. She is supportive. But I am taking the piss. I already took 2 instances of sick leave (2 weeks and 1 week), and 1 month of half-time sick leave. I needed them, I don't regret it. But I need to start being more productive. Problem is, as I said, I just want to die, so nothing matters. Self-sabotage is a real draw.

I'm on ADs, I have a shrink, I know what I should be doing that I'm not:

• exercise
• meditation
• doing my goddamn work

Please knock some sense into me.

Itsme

Slow down sweets, you are talking a million miles an hour.

Breathe.

What do YOU want to happen? Where do YOU want to be?

You have so much support and input into your life that I'm sure some days you don't know which way is up.

Re - Victim support, they are not so great all of the time. I was lucky, I managed to get the fuckers involved in my case charged, ASBOd, evicted and I got compensation.

I'm sorry that they have not put something more forceful in place. I know you must be scared that you'll end up back where you were.

Who can you talk to in RL? Who is close to you? Who can sit and just listen for a while?

Thanks Mouseface. You're right.

I want dickhead out of my life.

This may take a year or two, and I've just got to accept that

I want to live free from fear.

Short of having dickhead locked up, which ain't gonna happen, I've got to choose to live free from fear

I want to have a grip on my own life.

This means getting up in the morning, going to work, actually doing some work while there, remembering to eat and exercise, and, when I feel strong enough, building new friendships

I want self-esteem.

There is no magic cure. Just work on it.

I want to be a proper master to my puppy.

She is happy and healthy and well-adjusted, so I should stop being wracked with guilt about being a worthless owner while I am at work

Oh, and the moon on a stick.

it'sme it's great that mouse has got you to think about what you want. Do you think that AD's are working for you? Could it be you would benefit from trying some others? I mean do you think you are still depressed?

Of course you feel shit, you are under terrible stress. I should think you feel panicked and utterly exhausted by the constant streams of cortisone and adrenaline coursing through your system. your adrenals are probably completely knackered.
Do you have anyone to support you and listen to your worries?
Have you asked the authorities what you should do if he starts harassing you again? Make sure you know the numbers to call immediately if it starts. Get names of relevant people to contact.

I would play the game regarding his stuff, whatever it takes to get it out of your house because that is what is best for you. you're doing it for you not for him, remember that.
((hugs))

bigbuttons yes I am definitely depressed, pretty badly so. The ADs really lifted me for 6 weeks or so, but now I've sunk in a black hole again. I hadn't really considered changing meds, as I have been thinking (perhaps wrongly?) that it's up to me to live more healthily; meds are not a miracle cure.

I feel like I've worn out the right to tearfully call my friends when I feel at my lowest. The friends in the city I live are more acquaintances. So I'm using MN instead.

If he starts harassing me again I will go to the police, whether or not they want to hear me.

His stuff is a thorn in my side whatever I do. God I wish he would just fuck the fuck off. (But he won't: after months of yelling at me about how I have "dragged" him to this city so I now "owe" him, now that he has the golden opportunity to fuck off back to the UK as he so frequently whined about, instead he's digging himself in. Dick. Well, he did tell me once: "If you leave me, I will make your life hell," so that's at least one promise he's decided to keep out of all the ones he ever made.)

Bitter today. Maybe that's the anger I've been waiting to feel.

itsme don't let him see that he is making you unhappy. That is what he wants. Tell him you don't care about him. Tell him something like "I you owe you nothing. You are a grown up. I am not responsible for your life in any shape or form. Everything you decide to do and everything you decide to feel and say is completely your choice. I am not interested in you or you life any more ."

If you are still depressed then the meds are no longer working and you should either try to up the dose or change them. Please speak to the dr tomorrow about that. Once the depression is under control you will see everything differently and you will find it far easier to cope with the stupid twat and the curve balls he tries to throw you.
Remember, you are wonderful

"I want dickhead out of my life.
This may take a year or two, and I've just got to accept that

I want to live free from fear.
Short of having dickhead locked up, which ain't gonna happen, I've got to choose to live free from fear

I want to have a grip on my own life.
This means getting up in the morning, going to work, actually doing some work while there, remembering to eat and exercise, and, when I feel strong enough, building new friendships

I want self-esteem.
There is no magic cure. Just work on it.

I want to be a proper master to my puppy.
She is happy and healthy and well-adjusted, so I should stop being wracked with guilt about being a worthless owner while I am at work

Oh, and the moon on a stick."

Well, he will be out of your life and eventually, it will be FOR GOOD!

You will live free from fear, you WILL get there I promise sweetheart. I know this because I'm in that place now. I KNOW that I will never get hit again, raped by my DH, screamed at by him.... and one day, this will be YOU.

A grip on your own life? You can achieve this with all of the above 2 'wants' falling into place. YOU ARE YOUR OWN DESTINY.

And you are a wonderful dog owner because otherwise you wouldn't have written that in the first place.

Let me tell you something, once he goes, you'll go through a massive roller coaster or emotions. BUT, he will NO LONGER HAVE ANY HOLD OVER YOU!

YOU will take control.

When you look in the mirror, what do you see. Go look now. Come back and tell me what you see when you really look at yourself.

Be honest xx

I see a pretty girl with sad eyes.

buttons yes!! mine has delusions of grandeur- I never really realised it was thateverything he started to do, he thought he should be at the top right from the startnever interested in putting in any hard work like normal people do--just thinks he is above all that. In ALL areas of his life-job, relationships, socially etc.

hmmm..to anger leading to depression and ADs relieving the anger. I have been considering going to GP for ADSam feeling a BIT PNDy..nothing like my first time but a BIT excercise intolerant/ craving sleep/ cant sleep/ weepy/NO enthusiasm for anything. Its hard to tell-got a a sick baby and VERY disturbed nightsI think chronic tiredness can feel like depression (for me anyway) But if I can ease the anger Id take meds.

I WISH I could have counselling-but really really cant afford it

Youandyourpuppy I also would do everything you can to enable him to get his stuff out of your house. I think it would make you feel better to get rid of traces of him from your home

Sorry I dont respond more to other peoples posts--I just dont have anything useful to say mostly. I feel SO unqualified to offer anyone any advice considering the awful mess my relationship turned out to be. But I am wishing you all strength everyday

ItsMe

Do you know what I see?

I see 'a pretty girl with sad eyes.............. in the body of a survivor'

Your eyes won't always be sad, they'll be sparkling and happy soon.

Keep going xx

AF (or anyone else who knows, what happened to Grace? She was so brilliant on the Stately Homes threads.

Hello again, not in a fit state to comment today, just feeling exhausted and depressed because I had to do that "one last thing" which was tell him that I'd be happy to be with him if he could manage to trust me and not speak to me like I was dirt on his shoe.

The conversation was going quite well, and then he just sort of reverted back to an old grievance, something I cant change and told him it wasn't my problem, I had done all I could. Then he wanted me to acknowledge stuff I had done wrong and I wouldn't.

So he drove away after dropping me off, but then sent me a text apologising for anything and everything and he wanted me to do the same!

Then he phoned me and I said I wasn't going to do that...give some fuzzy, catch all apology which just looked like I was admitting guilt to everything he could think of. I said if he wanted to bring up specific examples I would address that, and he could do the same.

So here's the thing, I want to know if anyone else's OH does this:

He said (deep breath, suppresses hysterical laughter)
That he couldn't give specific examples because his memory was shot since the car accident (i was in it too, it wasn't like he had a head injury)

I am DEEPLY sceptical but at the same time wanting to believe it.

I thought I was past getting drawn in in this way. I feel frustrated and upset, that this is just another bullshit trick and I am falling for it

It's my last ditch attempt...because if I dont do everything I can think of, I will just keep trying and going back for more. So I will test him and go for coffee with my friends, male and female, and tell him, and if he reacts abusively and doesn't even try to moderate his response, then I will know.

I feel quite weary. Half of me is saying, "Really, after all this why are you bothering?" I'm hoping that that is the bit you can all understand.

In a strange way it is really about me not him...there is so much I have been scared to do or been put off doing because of not wanting the grief, however I understand that whether he is my life or not I have to feel free to do what I need to do, which is be social and see my friends. I need to have a life in place so that when he goes (as I suspect he will, though he has said he will try to give me what I need) his exit from my life will not leave too big a gap.

Oh how pathetic do I feel, writing that!

quiddity I have pm'ed you

Just read some of the verbal abuse links. "Forgetting" is a definite sign of EA.
Convenient too

Asking for tit for tat apologies just seems so childish, MadameOvary. And invalidating of your request to have your concerns taken seriously.

Not that I am against recognising one's own faults. Just that... dude, why make it about you when someone else is voicing their concerns? Wait for your turn.

I knew it was bollocks ItsMe - it didn't make any sense.
And its always about him.

Thanks AF.

MO - You have reminded me of a demand for an apology now - but I can't recall details.
Suffice to say I didn't give him the apology.

I think it's in the same box of bollocks that these eejits get the 'You're Abusing ME' line they all trot out, when you call them out on crap they have done.

MO, not to wag fingers at you, but I was talking at my screen when I'd only got half way along the second line of your post.

you tried to negotiate with him... WHY???

You know that is not going to work...

OK, I know that now, spent 3yrs trying to ask X just to be a bit nicer and to make sure my life didn't revert to being stuck in a tiny flat for weeks on end.

Now you all know, you can't negotiate with a crazy person....

MO, don't apologise. EVER. LAUGH your ARSE off in his face if he trots out the accident and forgetfulness BS, and tell him you weren't even hit in the head in the accident but perhaps it could be arranged....

Puppy - could you have the stuff delivered to his LAWYERS OFFICE? seeing as he legally wants his stuff back?

don't let him get to you, it's what he wants. try to detach and laugh at the loon.

have faith love, it'll all work out, and soon!

PMs? Sits up and begs

(I blame the puppy )

ItsMe and HerHissy
I'm thinking maybe I had a bang on the head in the night to fall for that shit?!
It's scary how I got sucked in after initially feeling quite strong

Thank you thank you thank you!

I think I was getting a bit too sure of myself and stopped taking my meds (ie staying informed with Lundy et al) I do take AD's btw. Must stay focussed.

S'alright, we have ALL done it.

I have to say the night he told me to apologise, it was ACE, I was so incredulous.... the scales had fallen already, but he was trying to reel me back in... Pah!

I'm glad you mentioned the attempted reel-ins once the scales have fallen from your eyes, Hissy. That, and Mouseface 's boost above about being a survivor does make me feel more like a whole person.

Here I am in the kitchen where I last heard stbxh rant his blaming nonsense at me, and I was able to observe it clinically and see it for what it was, rather than enter his reality and try to reason with him. He's no longer there - hooray! Just me and my puppy

I wish everyone on this thread these moments of clarity, when the normalisation crumbles and you see your P for what he is.

mo H does the forgetting thing too. He won't give me specific examples, ever when I call him on stuff and he can't because they don't exist He also won't answer questions. Says we mustn't deviate from our discussion and will get back to my question later. We never do though.

When we had rows it was always about my behaviour and how I had upset him, caused the problem. If ever I pointed out his faults he would either deny them or say it was just a response to my mad/bad behaviour.
This evening we have had a 'discussion' about how he handled dd3 brofre bed tonight. He starts to go off on one but I said i was having none of it. Then he goes all meek and reasonable, which is very unlike him. In the end i told him I don't want to discuss stuff I want a beer and a relax.
No, don't ever apologise to him, ever.

Heh. This is the post I wish I could have written on several threads I've been reading today. Instead I shall post it here.