Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

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Aaarrggh shit! hissy, garlic, Barbie - I know you are all right. I'm such an idiot I do feel sorry for him though and its obviously clouding my judgement.

My Lundy Bancroft book arrived yesterday, I just had a brief read of chapter 5 and I can't deny some of what's written there. One of the things being that remorse is often genuine Wasn't expecting that one...

I feel so confused. I wish he did something to make it easier!

Barbie - I want to believe that I'd still want him if he could change but in all honesty I'm not so sure that is the case. I think I'm embarrassed, ashamed, whatever at having made such a bad choice of husband. I think I only want him because I don't want my children to come from a broken home. Don't get me wrong, I know what their alternative is if I stay but its not much comfort when you feel like a failure. I'm very contradictory aren't i?!

To Hissy and barbie re: death threats. Thanks for your comments. I did press charges. It took 4 months for the police to question him. Nothing came of it: no injunction, nada. I am not in the UK.

Yay, normalisation of domestic violence. I was told off by 2 different cops: one for daring to call when stbxh was at my door refusing to go away ("Are you injured? No? What do you think we are -- you don't call the police like you call a taxi."), and one for being a victim ("Well, Madam, if it was so bad, why did you stay with him?")

Authorities don't give a fuck about women's lives, IME.

Re moving back/staying put. It doesn't sound as if you are far away from each other. Space is good and does allow growth. You can gradually have him over/go over to his if you want to see evidence of the changes.
Long-term is good/takes time and things go wrong in a hurry. I wish I'd had the guts to do that with my ex.
Do a list or timeline of what you will do over a certain period of time or if a particular thing has happened. He's trying to jump the gun and if it works then great you have a new/different relationship.
Keep your home a place of safety and comfort for you.

WDIM - the reason I said what I did was partly because you have made this decision very quickly and partly because it was what your support worker told you to do. So it is possible that you haven't had time to consider. Don't be hard on yourself. But I would say keep things as they are, as notsorted says, do a timeline of what you want to see happen and when.

I understand that a big part of your dilemma is that you can't admit that you made a mistake (in getting together with him). But it wasn't a mistake at the time, don't beat yourself up.

But back to the 'giving him a chance' issue - I believe personally that men, as well as women, need to have the opportunity to see their mistakes in perspective - that's generally what counselling does (and mn). Hopefully if he does work on himself, even if you don't stay together, you will have a better Dad for your dcs - he will always be their Dad so it's a win-win all round, even if the relationship fails. And I think if you are not living together you will never really know if it's worked.

I'm so torn over this but I'm struggling to admit the truth about my feelings for him to myself. I know the best thing is separation. I think it will be easier when I know when my tenant is moving out and I have an end date. I'm also waiting for my counselling referral to come through - hopefully that will help me clarify my feelings. In the meantime I'm going to get stuck into Lundy and Patricia Evans.

Hello all,
Sorry, just coming on to vent. I am so fucking angry.
Ex has cancelled my book. That is one thing I was sort of expecting, but he is now maintaining that this woman was fleeing Domestic Violence and that was why he had her to stay.
Yeah, heard that one before luv.
Can see his phone bill (as I pay it) and know which is her number. Loads of texts between them.

Why the fuck do I even care? I wanted a reason to ditch him, I could never go back, SO WHY DO I CARE????

I tried a little test, said I just wanted him in our lives, we could be friends. He said he would be in DD's life "Not mine?" I said "No," he said "Because you dont trust me and because it would get in the way of me shagging this new woman"

That was good, reinforced how he wont do something I want. Anyway he said that he realised he'd lost me and I said "Yes you have. Bye"

He tried to then reinforce that he'd lost me through helping this woman and then added she also moved house as well (neglected to tell me that before)
I didn't send any more texts but he then sent an obscene one
REALLY not a smart move.

I then realised that this was EXACTLY how he and I started!

I wanted to leave my boyfriend and he helped me. FFS. What a fucking idiot I am .

And now he has followed up with another text

What he doesnt know is that I am waiting for Virgin to fix their systems so I can put a bar on his phone, and give notice to cancel his internet.

So no more fucking text messages.

And...breathe.

It's OK MO.

Now you know. There is no way back. You don't want him or need him in your (or heaven forbid in your DD life!)

It'll be OK, you are now free! Everything else will sort itself out!

Haven't read the pages I have missed, so apologies all for missing updates. MO feel the anger, this is a blessing in disguise, to make the whole process easier. A big hug anyway though.

Dear MO,

sorry you are going through all this. Ignore texts, but don't delete them. If you can let it wash over you. Kick a pillow, invest in a doll to stick pins in, perhaps.

And WDIM, I know that conflicted feeling. I rationalise it by saying ok we have to have a relationship because of DCs, but you can't go back to the old relationship so you both need time to work out how you individually want to create that relationship. It could be via barest communication to do with kids, or it could be trying again. Don't get pushed by anyone - him at one extreme and perhaps most outspoken people here into making any decision for you.
Your feeling pushed/pulled in all sorts of directions so most important thing is get some space and a counsellor to help you know your own mind, explore the consequences etc in your own time.
Keep strong and take each hour at a time
Big hugs - I know where you are at (sort of)

WDIM our situations sounds quite similar. Mine didnt really have a big stick either. I stayed sooooo long because I wanted (so so so much) for my kids to have parents that stayed together. And it took me an age to realise our situation was abusive and then an age to accept that would be much more damaging to stay together like that than have mum and dad live seperatly. My situation was confused for years by his alcohol abuse- I kept thinking it would all be ok if he just stopped drinking- then he did. and it wasnt.

I also stayed because I felt that it was my fault and I could fix it. I thought if I changed my behaviour then he would change.

I also stayed because of the shame i felt at the ridiculous choices i had made. And a bit of 'if i dont say it, it isnt really true'

I gave him every single last chance- after he lost his driving licence through drinking, his job and our home. And then I gave him some more chances. I had to do that though, so I understand what you are feeling

bejeezus I can totally relate to the "if I dont say it, it isn't really true" mentality. Funnily enough I am able to admit that I knew on my wedding day that I shouldn't really marry him, yet I am struggling to admit that I don't feel the "L" word anymore.

WDIM,
reading through earlier posts, if you move into your house and you rent family home out then you have at least six-months stuck together as you won't be able to get tenants out.
It sounds really like you need a break from him. the situation. Can you work out any savings anywhere? And how far away are the two homes?
There are posts here about people having a trial separation. That's a softly, softly approach.
You need love for yourself first off and then you can work out if you can love him again/never/don't care.
This sounds like great chink of freedom for you. No wonder he's scared. And it should spur him on to make changes and try his hardest.
Don't worry about the admission of what went on, that takes time to deal with and counselling is a good space to do it in.

notsorted I think I have overestimated the household bills & shopping budget so I'm sure I can make savings. Also, I am fortunate that a previous employer keeps asking me to return so I'm pretty sure things will improve in the not too distant future. I agree, I do need a break and I'm kidding myself otherwise. The houses are only two mins walk apart. Good in some respect, a bloody nightmare in others.

I hope it does spur him on to make changes for the DC's sake. I think it may have gone too far for me though - I think a separation is the cowards way out for me :(

WDIM stbx is in a sulk here as well. I took the DCs out yesterday. Then I came back. Told him to get them their tea and put them to bed and I went to a friends house for the evening. When I got back he was gone to bed.
Was nice just to not have to deal with his sour sulk face. He's actually acting now like I'm this crazy horrible person and that he's the normal one. I was asleep this morning and he arrived into the room with breakfast after telling the DCs not to be noisy and wake me ? Always the same cycle. I wrote a whole list of the things he does that count as the EA and VA yesterday. Reading it over just makes me feel so angry that I put up with his childish behaviour.
I asked him to check was something on another channel on tv a few minutes ago and he got up and left the room in a strop saying he was watching something. I didn't ask him to stop watching it! This ALL The time. Its like trying to reason with a child.
Also his sister is coming to visit tomorrow with her family. I only found out about this today. I don't even know if she's staying. Why couldn't he just say no. I don't want to have to entertain his family anymore and PRETEND I like him. ahhhhh!

Anyone else struggling with really bizarre dreams?
I keep having dreams/nightmares lately that are just pretty much subconcious screams to get the hell out of this toxic relationship. Last night I was dreaming I was running away to another country to find an ex boyfriend from my younger years the one that got away and when I found him I was overjoyed . Then I was at a disco with some new girl friends and we were strangely dressed in our underwear and I got up to do karaoke but instead of doing karaoke I started shouting about how much I was pissed off with stbx. Next thing I was vomiting those little styrofoam balls?
Suddenly I was aware in the dream that something invisible was in the room and I was being held down by the arm. I was trying to scream out the window at people outside but nothing was coming out. I couldn't escape.
My head is up my ass. I woke up sweating. Had to turn the lamp on and just lie there for a few minutes to calm down.

I would be a psychiatrists absolute dream I'd imagine. Perfect example of your mind trying to tell you something !

Thanks all, sorry have not been much use. Shattered and off to bed. Wishing you all love and strength x

BF, your dream makes sense to me.

You know what you must do.

Hi MadameOvary, sorry to hear about twattishness in your life again. But it looks like that's him reached his crescendo and now performed the finale.

I'd give him a standing ovation and leave the building refreshed and relieved.

I hope you now have a really good sleep.

WDIM why coward's way out? If you need to go through stages and split/test the split gradually, rather than go cold turkey, then that's what you need to do. Don't beat yourself up about it!

My news for this morning is that I've just realised that today is my wedding anniversary. I mean, I think it is; I'm not even 100% sure. Although 99% sure. And I only realised because I had to write the date out to sign a work paper. And I don't care.

I am so over stbxh.

I know its early but for you IMAMPN and cheers!

Breakfree Oh yes, I can write the book on bizarre dreams!
This morning I was dreaming that I was sat in the front row of a theatre between Judi Dench and Natasha Richardson. They were all performing audition pieces and so was I. Judi had the book that my audition piece was in.
Everything kept moving around. I had a stupid grin on my face as I knew I stuck out like a sore thumb. At one point I had a cheeky exchange with Billy Connolly. Two of my exes were there, (not X though) and I had started off sitting next to them.
We saw many performances, but kept moving to different areas, and I tried to find a space to warm up my voice as I had thought I was going to be reading before this, and knew that I wouldn't be very good.

Classic anxiety dream really. I am running before I walk, trying to be someone I'm not (game playing with X, cutting off phones etc) Needless to say I have to stop this and just be myself.

Its amazing what the mind/brain does to you isn't it! I do find psychology fascinating. In fact am thinking of going to college to study it when the littlest DC is in school fulltime.

How are you doing today anyway MO. I'm just about to get my butt in gear and start cleaning up this house while listening to music very loudly. We have visitors later and I suppose I better make the house look presentable as he wouldn't do a decent job on it!

Morning ladies xx

I hate the dreams and nightmares that I have about XP. They are always so normal. Happily married, children etc and then another women appears, he rapes me, hits me, and it all falls away.

I hate it when he appears in dreams about my current family too. Or I'm married to DH but DH turns out to be him. It scares me how I can still have sex with him, passionate, ripping clothes off sex. And I can smell him in my dreams, his fragrance, our home, the inside of the car. I can taste him when we kiss. I can hear his voice as if he is there with me, feel his skin and his breath on mine. It scare the shit out of me.

When I wake, I feel as if I have cheated on DH and wonder how he can have such a hold over me still. He has, he is in my head so much and I have to really fight to shut him in a box. So many bloody boxes.

And I always feel like I've cheated on DH