Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

[bigbuttons]

try again

Breakfree I have quite a happy relationship with my dreams, used to record and illustrate them! They tend to cut through the bullshit and tell me how I am really feeling ie when I thought about getting back with X one time after a split, I dreamt that I was squashed into a car with too many people and couldn't breathe- says it all really.

Mouse - you are traumatised, that is why you are having those dreams my love, you need, when you are ready, to open those boxes and see that there is only dust inside, not monsters. Until you realise this - and it will take much more than someone telling you - you wont be able to see the truth. That he can't hurt you any more.

My lovely friend last night told me about the ending of the movie "Labyrinth" where the heroine faces the highly seductive villain, who is offering her the world, and says "You have no power over me". She makes his fake world disintegrate and ends up home.

, but the sentiments are so true for us!

And it's got David Bowie in striped leggings, which is a good look.

at Annie

Thank you Madame - I know all of things, deep down I know. But I can't accept that he can never hurt me again. I still think he'll find me, here in a new area, new home with my wonderful new family and life.

I still wait for the door bell to ring and for him to be stood there

mouse must be awful to always have that niggling fear at the back of your mind. It's very inspirational how you obviously took back control and found true happiness. It puts things in perspective :)

WDIM: cowards way out? what piffle!

Who cares what route you take to freedom, the scenic route or the 'coward's route' You still end up where you need to be; FREE!

Mousey, please be brave, just a little more brave, and see if you can get some help to take away those fears?

at "piffle" - adding that long forgotten word to my vocab!

Feeling much better today after my wobble - what was I thinking?! I feel back on track.

Onwards and upwards girls (Too early for ?)

Never too early for it's six o'clock somewhere in the world right now.

Oh I am having major wobbles today. Feel so raw. Wish this grief would go away but I'm dealing with it. Hate the fact I loved him so deeply and he messed with my head so much. Hate that DD has him for a father. Hate that he puts on such a show of hurt over being dumped and wont acknowledge his hideous behaviour. Hate that I have to pretend that I dumped him because I dont trust him anymore when in fact its over YEARS OF ABUSE.

I don't want to be back with him - fuck no -I just want to get to the point where I feel nothing. But I know it doesn't work like that. So instead I am wearing the grief like a badge of honour, proof that I stood up and did something about it. It helps, a little [teeth gritting emoticon]

Go with it MO - It's all part of the healing process. Let yourself grieve for the husband and father that he should have been but never was. Have a hug and a from me. mouse said it was ok...

MO, it's a stage, I had all this too, it passes. Love yourself, remind yourself of the truth.

Erm, why are you pretending why you dumped him? to whom? not your DD? FGS, it's absolutely VITAL you tell her why you dumped him. You lie, you are covering up for him and YOU will get the blame. That is not fair!

DS is 5.5. He knows why daddy isn't in my life anymore. I have a duty to make sure my DS grows up seeing that treating women like that is not acceptable.

Stop covering up for him. TELL LITERALLY EVERYONE. It's the truth.

Don't shed too many tears grieving for what he might have been - he won't be!

Oh MO it's a sad time for you at the moment but you are moving forward everyday.
Mouseface - what's inside the boxes can't hurt you anymore. You are in such a better place now and those boxes can't harm that.

Anyone else's EA H or X really awful with pets? Had a horrible evening last night with DH about our dog and I'm really scared he's engineeringit so we have to regime her :(

That should say rehome - stupid predictive text!!!

I mean pretend to HIM - its the only way he'll take any notice of the fact I dont want to see him. Everyone else knows the truth and I dont sugarcoat it.
But trying to get him to accept responsibility means further engagement via argument, and since it's over I want as little of that as possible.
I arranged for him to see DD at nursery as I knew she was missing him. She came back tired and emotional and said "I want my Daddy"
How the fuck do I cope with this????

I wish I wish I wish I'd stayed away when she was just 8 months old, then she'd be used to a more distant arrangement.

I'm going to have to let him pick her up from the house, otherwise he is going to be as obstructive as possible. At least I have friends nearby who can be here (as far as possible)

He has already said he cant do the days I am suggesting. If I go down the solicitors route DD is the one who will pay.
For him? I couldnt give a toss but DD needs a routine. My heart is breaking for her.
Why why why did I have to choose him for a father????

Where the hell was my head at?

What do I DO?

Listen. This man is so toxic to women that actually he'd be doing a favour in staying away from your DD.

He should be the one bowing and scraping to see her, and you should be the one considering IF he is fit enough.

You don't have to have him come to your house, not at all. YOU call the shots, if he becomes obstructive that is again HIS CHOICE! Don't take the blame.

Tell him to tell you the days he can be bothered to do and tell him you'll do your best to make it work, but there may have to be some flexibility.

Then go back to him with a plan that takes his dates into account as far as possible.

Hi all sorry I haven't been around, eldest dc fell ill and had to stay in hospital with her, promise to catch up with everyone sometime this week when I have a bit more time. Hugs to those who need them X

MissPixie sorry to hear that, you must be exhausted! Come talk to us when you're ready x
Hissy he has gone into charm mode so I am trying to arrange something. I hope he doesn't think he can win me back, it's going to get very tedious if that is the case. I've stressed on texts and email that the trust has gone, so that is that.

I feel calmer now. I know this won't last and he's probably plotting something but I'm hoping he's realised that he can see whoever he wants and is cheery because of that.
Oh well, live in hope. Anything which allows me to forget about him for a time. It's exhausting always having my guard up.

hello ladies, have a stress on because ex prat had decided hes going on a holiday again in sept (hes already been to morocco) but no he cant take time to take his son for more than 12 hrs, sat night and please dont judge me i went round a friends house and smoked and smoked didnt get in till 4am, loved it. xxx

WDIM, Bejeezus
Regarding big sticks/little sticks. Trouble with little sticks is they last longer. It does make it harder to split because it's just not bad enough and you don't have those eureka moments.

I guess the thing to do is set up deadlines. I've just reached my deadline and the slipperiness is setting in. Changes in our lives are taking over. Another DIY project begun. The next plan is being hatched. We are 'working as a team' (on the projects) which means dropping out makes the whole plan fail.

But over the past couple of days, while everything's mega busy, he has done the same sh*t. I get back late with dd to fine all dishes left, he puts stuff in the machine while I'm away and it's there, mouldy when I get back (away for weekend - that was a first). Dds out of control (pushing boundaries), I try and discuss and it's all my fault. Anything I mention is my fault. So then we are back to square one.

So my deadline slips. I still haven't given him the Engel book, can someone remind me to give it to him on Friday (I'm out with dcs over weekend). And feel free to give me a telling off if I don't! I was going to do it last week and 'forgot'.

Barbie, you know what? I wouldn't give him the book. It will only give him ammunition to tell you that this is what you are doing to him.

I've read the You Are Not Crazy definition of power, and it PERFECTLY sums up why negotiation, as well as any attempts to educate, are totally and utterly pointless.

Power is one thing abusers feel they DONT have, hence will go to any lengths to attain it, from controlling your movements to starting off-the-wall DIY projects.

X's thing was moving house [cofused]. Once he got me a cat, in order to try and keep me there. It had to be rehomed eventually

I know it's an appealing idea to think that, if they could only see it written in black and white, they would "get it" and change their ways, but they are not coming from a logical place, but a place of suspicion and paranoia. Mix that with entitlement, and the book will be dismissed as "self-help shit" "not applicable to me" "is this what you think of me? How dare you etc" or worse, they will appear willing to read it and emerge saying "This is what you do to me"

Sorry to be so pessimistic, and this is only my opinion obviously, but I am seeing abusive men as a lost cause now. X is halfway through his second abuser programme, and the only difference is he's learned that he cant get away with raising his voice or outright verbal abuse, so he resorts to manipulation and subtle threats. He's also learned to label his behaviour and turn it back on me.

I thought you'd say that MO.

I am considering - it's a tough one. I essentially believe he has the right to have the opportunity to make an informed choice about his behaviour and unlike your ex, he hasn't yet had the information. Not one of the counsellors we saw told him his behaviour was unacceptable.

This is really tough, as I am risking him turning all this against me. Perhaps I need to think about whether this is what he will do and what the damage might be.

DON'T GIVE HIM THE BOOK - for the love of GOD, don't do that. He's so fecking interested.... tell him to go shopping - amazon.co.uk ought to be a good start.

STOP the projects. All of them. These are ploys.

TELL HIM OFF FOR THE STATE OF THE HOUSE! You are not on this earth to put up with this shit AND clear up after him!

Time to put your foot down dearheart - GET HIM GONE from your lives!

MO: nice phases last and last... X last night is still talking about sharing rental properties, about putting things in my name, having more kids. Denial! you just have to ignore it and get what you can/need out of it. Can I just put it all behind me and move on? I said to him, you kicked me in the stomach when I was PG with DS, you destroyed all areas of fun and joy in my life, you tortured me and isolated me. Which bit do I put behind me first and how?

that was a messy post - MO - most of that was to you, but I didn't order the paragraphs too well did I?