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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please - Hubby admits BJ from prostitute whilst drunk

242 replies

LadyHarrop · 20/06/2011 10:49

Hello - 1st time poster. But this is too intimate a prob to share with my friends, who also know him. If we do stay together, I won't want them knowing this.

I feel sick. Typing topic subject line has just made it feel real to me. I think I've been in shock since he told me last night.

We've been together 6 years, married for 2. I have always trusted him 100%. He is not the type to cheat on me, he's my rock, he's always reliable - that's why I picked him. In fact, of the two of us, I always thought I'd be the one to do something stupid - but I've never strayed since our early days.

I know he loves me, and he loves our life together. He says he's never been interested in anyone else. So why now? He says he was drunk and it was just bravado with his mate. He said it was horrible, and he wasn't in control. He didn't climax. And knew enough to not want full sex. I need to know why it happened. It can't just be that there was no deep seated reason, and he was just drunk, as then it would have happened before surely.

He's now a mess and very upset because he's worried he's caught something and doesn't want to pass it to me. And he's put our life together at risk. I know enough that he's not likely to catch much from a blow job. But sent him to hospital today. He said he didn't want to keep the truth from me, like some of his friends do from their wives.

What should I do? We're married - that means something to me. I love him, I love our life, I wanted a baby with him until 18 hours ago. But I know this will affect everything - when we next make love (and I imagine for months after), we'll both be thinking about it. When he next goes out without me, I'll not be able to trust him. And I'm also really afraid of is me going out and getting revenge by pulling someone (yes, in the past I've been that childish and self centred when drunk. So unfortunately a little bit of me does understand that stupid things can happen when out drinking)

Do you think we can get through this unscaithed?
Do you think lots of men do this (I get impression from a few comments, that at least a couple of his friends have done something similar)?

What should I do? He slept in spare room last night
Any advice greatfully received
x

OP posts:
Jemma1111 · 24/06/2011 13:33

Op- For now he is agreeing to everything you say like its not appropriate to carry on seeing these 'friends' of his, but I would bet that before long he starts saying he wants to go out with the lads again , he will tell you that you should trust him now and that he has learnt his lesson.

He WILL stray again I'm sure of it, why put up with a lowlife like him?

ineedabodytransplant · 25/06/2011 00:07

TLD, I too despair of some males. I am a 54 year old bloke, some on here know my story. And even with the problems I has, I have never felt the need to frequent strip clubs, pole or lap dancing clubs and certainly never thought about 'using' (as that is what it would be) prostitutes.

ineedabodytransplant · 25/06/2011 00:07

Had not has

TechLovingDad · 25/06/2011 00:08

I've been to strip clubs, once. DW says I should go with the lads. It just doesn't interest me. Standing like a saddo while some poor sod lets you leer at her.

QueeferSutherland · 25/06/2011 00:17

OP, it was pre-meditated.

How can he say it was a mistake?

Have some dignity, please.

shootmedown · 29/06/2011 19:26

This is going to be unpopular but the OP has admitted to her own infidelities. I genuinely feel sorry for her predicament but if you live by the sword you very often die by the sword. She can't reasonably expect a squeaky clean partner when she has skeletons in her closet.

LeQueen · 29/06/2011 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 29/06/2011 21:54

I think I might just prefer to be married to someone who saw the point of strip clubs than someone who disparaged women because they look like they work in tescos.

How vile.

Lipstickgal · 30/06/2011 18:10

Perhaps sexual fidelity isn't a deal breaker for the O.P?
Perhaps the real issue is the STD potential impact on their relationship.
I do hope he hasn't already compromised your fertility..........
Personally the (clearly) unprotected nature of it would be where I would place my judgement. How much does a man care for you if he is willing to put your life at risk for his own selfish ends? How difficult is it if you are going to be a feckless, untrustworthy, lying little maggot to use protection?

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 30/06/2011 18:25

I think LeQueen might have been trying to say "ordinary" everyday women i.e. not Hugh Hefner out of reach types?

Apocalypto · 30/06/2011 18:25

@ LeQueen

Hmmm.

Csmith235 · 12/08/2011 18:11

When was the last time you gave him a BJ?

AnyFucker · 12/08/2011 18:17

old thread, shitstirrer Hmm

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2011 18:22

OP, can you update us on this, please? I remember this thread and really feeling for you for being in such a horrible situation.

LancsDad · 13/08/2011 21:17

"I'm being understanding because I cheated on him once, when drunk, just before we moved in together"

I'm surprised at the one-sided hysteria on here. The OP cheated and didn't own up but her hubby should be hung-drawn and quartered having done the same and owned up. Seems like a lot of hypocrisy to me.

maxinefan · 14/08/2011 12:16

I have folowed and read this thread with interest and my heart goes out to the OP. I too had man deceive me by saying hwe was working late etc and as I stayed at home cleaning and decorating our home so we could better ourselves he was doing something deviant behind my back.
It appears he was visiting seedy nasty massage places and partaking of oriental swiss tha and gawd knows what else massages and spending consideraqble sums of money on it too !!!
He broke down and told me all the sordid details and at the time it was heart rending to feel how he had betrayed me. I immediately banished him to the spare room with the portable TV we had in our bedroom and bought myself a nice 32" Samsung Tv that has the internet attached. I am now able to go to bed and catch up on all the TV I have missed via I player and I have even joined love film and watch the lovely girly films that we never seemed able to watch before.
I have sought with him to reach an understanding and I feel we have such an agreement now - he knows he has behaved disgustingly and that it has hurt me enormously. we have been together and to be blunt whilst the temptation is to end the marriage and move on aftser such devastasting news I thought of the good times we had enjoyed together, the lifestyle we enjoyed and the variousn other things.
Sexually we have almost started again though this time round it's me calling the shots and he knows the boundaries. I know it is different for each girl but personally I have no aversion to oral sex and am happy to perorm that act for him at various timesw maybe once a month or so I think is sufficient
Each to their own and I can only relate my own experience we should support the op in her decisiion and remember that we each do not know how we would deal with the situation ourselves

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2011 12:17

LancsDad, do you see a one night stand as just as bad as sex with prostitutes?

maxinefan · 14/08/2011 12:32

Excuse me
Maybe I am misreading thgings but WHERE does the OP say she has been unfaithful at all ?
I simply cannot see this in her post

maxinefan · 14/08/2011 12:35

She mentions "pulling" not actually having sexual relationships with
A lot of women l;ike to feel appreciated and know that they can still get atention from the following sex without actually having to be so crass as to having sexual activity with them.
I think some of you are confusing flirting with fellatio here

carmenelectra · 14/08/2011 14:21

A one night stand is absolutely not the same as sex with a prostitute!

Anyone, could have a drunken one night stand. Not excusing it or saying its ok, but it could happen.

PLANNED sexual contact with a woman that you have chosen for her particular 'charms', looks or a certain act is waaay different in my opinion.

LancsDad · 15/08/2011 02:10

MaxineFan -

"I'm being understanding because I cheated on him once, when drunk, just before we moved in together"

That is a direct quote from a subsequent post by the OP in this thread - now I don't imagine she would think she'd "cheated" if she had only flirted.

I see no difference between a one night stand and visiting a massage parlour or similar for sex. In my experience one night stands have tended to start in a club/pub and end up back at one or others flat/house giving plenty of time realise "oh - this may be cheating".

MrsHicks · 15/08/2011 07:33

LancsDad I think things that happen at the beginning of the relationship are somewhat different to 6 years in and married. My H (from whom I'm now separated, although that's unrelated) slept with someone else right at the start of our relationship and I would've viewed cheating 10 years later very differently.

maxinefan · 15/08/2011 10:29

LancDad thank yoiu for claryfying that.
I do feel however the OP simply has to come to her decisions herself I can feel the pain expressed in her post and it just re-opened the pain I felt.
So much so that last night I made sure the freeview box in his room was oin locked to prevent any inadvertent viewings of adult channels. I have talked it over with my friends who have been like a rock to me and they have said that if he chooses to behave like a reckless teenager he should be treated as such

ScarlettIsWalking · 15/08/2011 13:47

What a totally depressing thread.

So predictable she stayed with him. I love the way she put emotionally and "financially".
How textbook dysfunctional her marriage will be.

OneMoreChap · 19/08/2011 16:22

I made sure the freeview box in his room was oin locked to prevent any inadvertent viewings of adult channels

Oh FFS.
I hope he buys another TV.

When will you consider he's done his penance?

I have no aversion to oral sex and am happy to perorm that act for him at various timesw maybe once a month or so I think is sufficient - presumably he'll perform that act for you too once a month - as that will be sufficient?