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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please - Hubby admits BJ from prostitute whilst drunk

242 replies

LadyHarrop · 20/06/2011 10:49

Hello - 1st time poster. But this is too intimate a prob to share with my friends, who also know him. If we do stay together, I won't want them knowing this.

I feel sick. Typing topic subject line has just made it feel real to me. I think I've been in shock since he told me last night.

We've been together 6 years, married for 2. I have always trusted him 100%. He is not the type to cheat on me, he's my rock, he's always reliable - that's why I picked him. In fact, of the two of us, I always thought I'd be the one to do something stupid - but I've never strayed since our early days.

I know he loves me, and he loves our life together. He says he's never been interested in anyone else. So why now? He says he was drunk and it was just bravado with his mate. He said it was horrible, and he wasn't in control. He didn't climax. And knew enough to not want full sex. I need to know why it happened. It can't just be that there was no deep seated reason, and he was just drunk, as then it would have happened before surely.

He's now a mess and very upset because he's worried he's caught something and doesn't want to pass it to me. And he's put our life together at risk. I know enough that he's not likely to catch much from a blow job. But sent him to hospital today. He said he didn't want to keep the truth from me, like some of his friends do from their wives.

What should I do? We're married - that means something to me. I love him, I love our life, I wanted a baby with him until 18 hours ago. But I know this will affect everything - when we next make love (and I imagine for months after), we'll both be thinking about it. When he next goes out without me, I'll not be able to trust him. And I'm also really afraid of is me going out and getting revenge by pulling someone (yes, in the past I've been that childish and self centred when drunk. So unfortunately a little bit of me does understand that stupid things can happen when out drinking)

Do you think we can get through this unscaithed?
Do you think lots of men do this (I get impression from a few comments, that at least a couple of his friends have done something similar)?

What should I do? He slept in spare room last night
Any advice greatfully received
x

OP posts:
JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 20/06/2011 11:51

If this was a once in a lifetime lapse of common sense/decency/whatever then why on earth did he tell you? Confused

AnyFucker · 20/06/2011 11:53

I hope you are ok, OP

I get the impression you were hoping for lots of people to come along and say "oh boys will be boys, you can move on from this" and give you examples of how they have done just that

I am afraid that just isn't going to happen

I would be very, very surprised you have the whole story. Cheaters will tell you the minimum they think they can get away with. Clinton tried it. His wife may have forced herself to "believe" him, but the rest of the world knew the truth.

I think if you really want true practical advice, you will have to supply more details or this thread will just continue to be about what others would do in your situation.

What is it you want ?

SirSugar · 20/06/2011 11:53

As long as you are doing the right thing for you, thats all that matters. If you really love each other, it will work out fine and thats not to say you are going to live happily ever after together forever. Never say never, but if its worth holding onto both of you will want to do it.

Sometimes you have to let go and trust; you sound in control of yourself to me.

AnyFucker · 20/06/2011 11:54

sorry, I cross posted with your extra info x

dollius · 20/06/2011 11:54

Why is he going back every six weeks for such childish nights out?
My DH and I move around a bit and miss friends etc, but he doesn't go back for lads'nights out every six weeks. We tend to visit old friends for weekends together as a family.
I guess it depends what you class as normal really, but this isn't normal for me or anyone I know for that matter. Strip bars? FFS. He is acting like a child. Do you think he has any awareness of the exploitation and misery that goes on in the sex industry? Or is it all just a big laugh to him?
Also, yes, I think the fact he is so worried about passing on an infection means (a) he had full sex and (b) he possibly didn't use a condom.
The idea his mate stood outside in the dark waiting for him is just laughable, btw.
I'm really sorry, but for your own health, please consider these possibilities and get yourself checked out - it may not be the first time it has happened.

buzzsore · 20/06/2011 11:55

So, he's lied about going to strip-clubs before? He suggests his friends are routinely unfaithful to their partners? He hangs round with these guys and goes to these places with them, gets drunk and does what they do?

He had time to rethink going to the brothel. He didn't.

OK, six years of marriage is a lot to give up, but it won't get any less to lose, only more - & possibly with kids to think about ...

GypsyMoth · 20/06/2011 11:55

i read it as only TWO years of marriage!!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 20/06/2011 11:58

If you do decide to stay with him OP, you nead asssurance that he won't be hanging out with these friends anymore. And wtf is he doing going and staying in a hotel every 6 weeks? Do none of his mates have spare rooms? That element is odd to say the least.

I know that one or two of the men DP knows have done similarish things - which is why he himself chooses not to go out with them. Ever.

AnyFucker · 20/06/2011 11:58

not much "peer pressure" there if he went in alone, is there ?

like you said, plenty of time to cool off while walking the streets to find prostitutes

what sort of loving partner does that, anyway ?

this story is an example of how the lies that cheaters tell can often make them look worse not better

I think you have bagged yourself a wrong'un, love, and you need to send him back where he came from, the product is defective

AnyFucker · 20/06/2011 12:01

I wonder if he takes his wedding ring off during these jaunts "back home"

He sounds like that type, him and his fellow skanks

Love, his "home" is with you and his family. Does he describe himself as a "family man" ?

sofadweller · 20/06/2011 12:02

I think he probably regarded telling you this as a sort of damage limitation exercise.

This was planned and probably not the first time.

Sorry.

MaxSchreck · 20/06/2011 12:03

Sorry, OP, but I'm pretty sure I couldn't be in a relationship with a man who thought it was ok to buy women.

MooMooFarm · 20/06/2011 12:09

Lady I'm sorry but to me it sounds as if the 'wonderful relationship' you thought you had is based on lies. He's been lying to you about going to strip clubs in the past - and now he's 'gone looking' for a brothel? WTF? Surely you only go into a brothel if you're looking for sex with a prostitute?

Please, I know you're in shock, but love and respect yourself enough to think that you deserve so much more more than this creep is giving you in this relationship. Why is there too much to walk away from? There are so many good men out there who would never dream of going anywhere near a brothel - married or not. Why don't you think you deserve to be with somebody like that?

aliceliddell · 20/06/2011 12:10

Agree that going to prostituted women tells us nothing good about his attitude to women in general, and you in particular; also, is he telling the whole truth? Also, I feel oral sex is more intimate, so not impressed with the minimisation. Eg, In law of sexual violence, oral/vaginal/anal are regarded as equivalent.

SirSugar · 20/06/2011 12:11

You're fab AF, I will do the love thing; you can get OP angry so she takes 'im to task. Wink

The absolutely fucking silly twat is OPs man - hang him out to dry OP

Original poster
LadyHarrop · 20/06/2011 12:15

Hmmm...AnyF has made me think a little harder by bringing up Clinton, but it could be any celeb in the tabloids. If I was reading this story in the papers, I would think this was the tip of the iceberg, and would think the wife was best off out of there. I'd wonder how any couple could stay together, particularly if the world knew about it. However, its always simple when it's someone else.

This has been such a shock, such a huge change in what I thought I knew about him, that I'm finding it hard to believe he did it at all. So if I'm truthful, I haven't even considered leaving him. We are married, I can't walk away at all easily - in fact it would be stupidly hard both emotionally and financially. Plus hopefully no-one else will find out about it

Maybe it's shock, but I wish he hadn't told me. I have sympathy with the DH in another thread, who says he wants everything to go back to normal after her one night stand. Although...thinking this through, burying all this (my natural tendancy for anything difficult) prob isn't dealing with it, and will end up being corrosive. If I let him off too easily, maybe he'll see it as actually condoning it!

OP posts:
buzzsore · 20/06/2011 12:15

Yep, sorry, two years of marriage.

BrainSurgeon · 20/06/2011 12:15

Sorry if this sounds like a stupid idea.... but have you considered the option of not drinking so much anymore - if you (both) don't ever get drunk there will be no more excuses..... see what happends then!?

buzzsore · 20/06/2011 12:19

But he's already shown you it's the tip of an iceberg - you had no idea he was going to strip-clubs with these people.

MooMooFarm · 20/06/2011 12:27

But OP wouldn't it also be 'stupidly hard' to stay with someone who treats women with such utter disrespect? This is your whole life you're talking about! Picture the scenario ten years down the line when you have children to think about as well as yourself, and you find out he's carried on doing this because he got away with it the first time.

It makes me really sad that you don't seem to think you deserve better.

Antidote · 20/06/2011 12:29

I agree with brainsurgeon. In addition to a trip to the gum clinic for both of you (sorry, you have to assume the worst) I would suggest you ask him to stop drinking for a couple of months especially if he is going out without you. I would find it difficult to trust him again, especially if he carried on getting drunk.

MooMooFarm · 20/06/2011 12:31

I really think we are all avoiding the real issue by talking about OPs H drinking, not drinking or being drunk.

A decent person would not suddenly think it was ok to go into a brothel just because they were pi*sed! Being drunk is fck all to do with it.

piprabbit · 20/06/2011 12:32

And you need to be clear to him, when he moans about the GUM clinic or getting tested or going to Relate or whatever, that the only reason you are both having to do this is because of what he did. These are the consequences of his actions - ask him what he expected to happen. Tell him another consequence may be that you cannot/will not rebuild the relationship.

timefliesby · 20/06/2011 12:38

I think it's more common than people think which doesn't make it right. Sounds like you don't want to leave him yet so tell him if anything like that happens again it's over. But make sure you are happy with the relationship before you have children. It is much harder to walk away once you have a baby. Hope you feel a bit better soon. x

PrinceHumperdink · 20/06/2011 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.