Advice please - Hubby admits BJ from prostitute whilst drunk

[LadyHarrop]

Hello - 1st time poster. But this is too intimate a prob to share with my friends, who also know him. If we do stay together, I won't want them knowing this.

I feel sick. Typing topic subject line has just made it feel real to me. I think I've been in shock since he told me last night.

We've been together 6 years, married for 2. I have always trusted him 100%. He is not the type to cheat on me, he's my rock, he's always reliable - that's why I picked him. In fact, of the two of us, I always thought I'd be the one to do something stupid - but I've never strayed since our early days.

I know he loves me, and he loves our life together. He says he's never been interested in anyone else. So why now? He says he was drunk and it was just bravado with his mate. He said it was horrible, and he wasn't in control. He didn't climax. And knew enough to not want full sex. I need to know why it happened. It can't just be that there was no deep seated reason, and he was just drunk, as then it would have happened before surely.

He's now a mess and very upset because he's worried he's caught something and doesn't want to pass it to me. And he's put our life together at risk. I know enough that he's not likely to catch much from a blow job. But sent him to hospital today. He said he didn't want to keep the truth from me, like some of his friends do from their wives.

What should I do? We're married - that means something to me. I love him, I love our life, I wanted a baby with him until 18 hours ago. But I know this will affect everything - when we next make love (and I imagine for months after), we'll both be thinking about it. When he next goes out without me, I'll not be able to trust him. And I'm also really afraid of is me going out and getting revenge by pulling someone (yes, in the past I've been that childish and self centred when drunk. So unfortunately a little bit of me does understand that stupid things can happen when out drinking)

Do you think we can get through this unscaithed?
Do you think lots of men do this (I get impression from a few comments, that at least a couple of his friends have done something similar)?

What should I do? He slept in spare room last night
Any advice greatfully received
x

She'll be back Binfull, you know that.

And we will ALL be here to help her. Everything has it's time.

What your H did and what this man did is beyond shameful, but THEY did it, not you. My X was abusive, oh the shame of it, but I didn't do it. My relationship lasted as long as it did because I was so good at holding it together.

I ought not have done, but I did what I thought right at the time.

Not that I think there ever will be another relationship for me, but IF ever I were in a situation where I could see I was being manipulated, then I would stop it right away. No way I'd be heading down that path again.

OP has a lot of thinking to do, and the more her H comes up with the I'm a bloke bollocks, the sooner that woman is suddenly going to sit bolt up right and say What the ACTUAL F? He's trying to get her to forget about it all, she is not going to forget about it EVER.

She has started to question things in her mind, the time will come when she will come up with some very ugly answers and need to have them disproved. He won't be able to... not all of them....

He doesn't know much about STDs/sex ed because of his Catholic upbringing? Sounds like his Catholic upbringing has completely passed him by!

What a shit position to be in, however, for me any man who uses prostitutes full stop ever is a total non-starter to me and I would walk away without looking back, what does he think of women that it's ok to buy their bodies?How much must he dislike them? I am very liberal and openminded but seriously, there is a big difference between concensting adults and someone who pays. I have met women who are 'escorts' of the expensive variety and they are invariably dead behind the eyes, even the ones who say they love their job have histories of abuse and are functioning alcoholics. This for me would be so much worse than an affair/one night stand which is bad enough. Seriously, with no kids involved there is absolutely no reason to stay and it will only get worse. You could have a very different life and a much better one.

He is telling you all you need to know. All you need to know about how he feels about you and your marriage. Get away from him and one day you will look on this as a lucky escape. Engage your self-respect - that is far more important than your marriage vows.

Lady, has there been any kind of promise from your husband that he won't be going on weekends out with these mates again? Because if he hasn't even offered this by way of showing remorse, it becomes clear how much he values your marriage in comparison to his awaydays. If he was truly sorry, he'd be doing all he could to ensure there were no obstacles to mending your relationship.

It's understandable that you want to forgive, and to restore the trusting relationship you had. You cannot make a marriage work alone though, and if he won't even take responsibility for his own actions it's hard to see how you move on from this.

When you put this all together op , the paying for sex , the hanging around with freinds who cheat , the excuses ect , it sounds like a man who is very very entitled .

I do not accept for one minuite that its cheaper to book a hotel than get a taxi to one of his freinds who presumably live in the same town .

I don't see how the two of you can move on if he won't even accept responsibility for what he has done. The excuses are just that, excuses, and excuses are not good enough!

What was the thing she did to his 'barse'?

OP: People are speaking the truth here. Many years ago I was in an abusive , unfaithful relationship and hung on and hung on, to the utter detriment of my mental health.

I hung on because I was scared to be alone. Because my confidence at the end was rock bottom and I was beaten and humiliated to such an extent that I could not envisage life without him.

But when I did, eventually flee, the sense of freedom was immediate and intense (like you, there were no children involved). Why? Because I realised that I need fear nothing because the worst had already happened I had nothing more to fear, just myself to look after.

And you know what? Living alone - even if just for a while - isn't just tolerable - it's bloody amazing.

I really feel for you. Bon courage. x

A lot of ignorance on this thread about serious STIs not being catchable via oral.

HPV, Chlamydia, Syphillis (particularly easy via oral), gonorreah and hep A all can be caught and passed on orally.

This is why government is exploring asking dentists to do STI screening, in fact, there was something about this on the BBC the other night, it is possible that someone with health anxiety may have seen that and panic. Otherwise most blokes would be majorily ignorant about it I imagine.

As for her using something to help him get it up - this sounds like a pretty serious arranged and well paid liaison. Your average walk-in brothel, in this country usually masquerading as a sauna, takes the money at the door and if the guy can't get it up, his problem, no refunds.

Sorry OP, sounds like a horrible situation for you. Suppose there are a few reasons why he has confessed

1. knows he has caught something
2. Full of health anxiety and needs to share it
3. Someone knows the full story of what he gets up to on his 6 weekly hotel visits and might possibly tell you so he is getting in first

Missed out "possible" in the above, I mean a few possible reasons, not all of them

Whatever you decide to do WRT your relationship, please go to your local GUM clinic for a full STI screen. It can all be done anonymously, they will have seen and heard it all (and more) before.

Please do go to the GUM clinic. The poster above is right. The staff there really have seen and heard it all before. They will treat the situation sensitively too.

Cut your losses with this one and walk away, OP - have children and a family, a future, with a better man. Six years is not twenty. Get out now. He's not a keeper.

Anyfucker is right, we are talking to the hand. Although the OP has responded she has made up her mind to stay.

As an aside, I wonder what the bum thing was? A sex toy?! Can't know how someone could have something done o to them and not know what it was??

I don't belive this man is a naïve Catholic either! So naïve he managed to sniff out a brothel. My dp is sexually confident but I doubt he would have the bottle to walk into a brothel, even if he was pissed.

I would be more worried about who he is hanging about with tbh.
He does sound as though he was a bit naive on the subject and didn't genuinely enjoy it but if he keeps hanging out with these mates where will that lead?
His mates sound dishonest and desperate tbh and next time he goes to visit you are going to feel very insecure and worried.

If he genuinely wants to keep his family in tact and his wife happy he needs to forget about these friends and move on.

I feel for you, I would be devastated :(

Op - I truly believe if you stay with him he will put you in this exact position again whether it be 2, 5 or 10 yrs down the line.

IMO a man doesn't visit a prostitute once, more often on a regular basis.

He has no respect for women and that includes you, the only reason you have found out ( only the bare minimum mind you ) is because he knows he has no choice but to get in first before either your health suffers or someone else tells you what he's been up to.

Being drunk is NO excuse!. He knew exactly what he was doing.

I know its hard to leave someone you love but now is the time to get out. Things will NEVER be the same again, he has completely pissed on your relationship.

Please take people's advice and build yourself a new life for yourself and find a man who loves and respects you.

I'm with whoever said "nowadays I'd be on the phone to the other wives." Me too. I'd be dialing so fucking fast ...

OP, I think it all sounds very very dubious. I have seen relationships come back from cheating, though. I don't know if I personally could do it. I think he also really needs to be educated about how horrible the sex industry actually is and what serious harm it does to people all over the world.

Agree cheerful. About the sex industry. Those men need to think twice.
Most of those girls have awful drug habits to feed and often live in abusive surroundings. A very unhappy existance.

I just read AmericanDream's thread about jealous dp...I automatically completly sided with her on giving her dp another chance. I felt it was early days in the relationship, so it was understandable that dp was a bit jealous, that he'd work through it. It is interesting to see how later in the thread they had another arguement and she used bits of the advice you all provided to point out how unreasonable he was being. Still half of me thinks her dp will learn from the mistake...and maybe I hope my hubby will learn from his too?

What does that say about me? At best, that I believe in the best in people, at worst that I don't believe I deserve better. The thing is, now I'm in early 30's I feel I do believe in myself alot more than I used to (probably because of the past support of my hubby). I've certainly been in emotionally abusive relationships in past, but my current relationship certainly doesn't feel like that. Before this situation, I felt he supported and encouraged me to do anything I wanted.

I'll be reading all the posts through again later today, and thinking things through more...

Is this really a mistake on his part though - this all seems calculated and planned. Being drunk is no excuse; he has made choices throughout this whole sorry episode and at any point he could have walked away.
He is wholly responsible for his actions.

It is NOT you fault that he did this; he cannot pin any of this onto you.

Will he learn from his so called "mistake" - I doubt it very much. Marriage clearly means an awful lot to you but does he actually feel the same way?. I do not personally think so. He seems both selfish and entitled.

I also think you know the bare bones of what actually happened on this occasion not just to say before. How does he explain the hotel visits every six weeks?.

Look after your own self and get yourself checked out medically for STDs.

Would you consider going to Relate; if not with him then on your own?.

What is your dh going to do to put this right, LadyH? Is he going to change anything in his life?

I have also read that other thread Lady H and I have arrived at the conclusion that the OP has walked from one previously abusive relationship into yet another one:(. Just because the new man does not appear as bad as the previous one does not mean to say that the new man is actually any better; the control elements are still the same.

Lady H,

I was going to ask whether you yourself received any counselling following on from the previous emotionally abusive relationships you refer to.

Abusive men feel ultimately entitled to treat their partners like property, their victims have no rights to rebel, to refuse. We are expected to perform the way they want, sex on their terms, when and where they want it, and to do whatever they tell us to do. no question.

Abusers can't unlearn this entitlement, only in extremely rare circumstances, ie the entire extended family removes all support until he treats his DW/P better.

Cheats CAN learn not to cheat. Punters can desist from paying for sex. But only if they want to. Your H is making noises that you ought to forgive him, that it's not that big a deal and everyone else is doing it. He is not showing any sign of remorse, rather he is irritated with you for being upset about it.

Not only does he not respect you as a partner, a human being with feelings, he doesn't think he has done anything that hideously wrong.

You ought NOT to forgive him, certainly you will never forget the fact that he has paid for sex, at least once.

It IS that big a deal, this is why it's illegal, it is immoral and it is gut sickeningly disgusting.

Your H wandered the town looking for a prostitute to pleasure him. He didn't just get picked up by one, they went on an expedition, he went in alone. At every step of that expedition, he could have backed out, thought better of it or come to his senses. he didn't. not once.

You say he might work through it. I worry that he might not. he is not at all contrite, he thinks you are making a fuss over very little. he doesn't get it!

This man has a very very low view of women. he has no respect for women at all, certainly not if he pays for a BJ, (or more) certainly not if he does this on a regular basis (kinda betting this is not the only time he's done it) and he thinks you are not entitled to take him to task on it.

You need to seriously re-evaluate who you think this guy is, because you don't know him at all.

I'm sorry. He is not worth a millionth of you. You don't deserve this at all.