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Original poster

Advice please - Hubby admits BJ from prostitute whilst drunk

242 replies

LadyHarrop · 20/06/2011 10:49

Hello - 1st time poster. But this is too intimate a prob to share with my friends, who also know him. If we do stay together, I won't want them knowing this.

I feel sick. Typing topic subject line has just made it feel real to me. I think I've been in shock since he told me last night.

We've been together 6 years, married for 2. I have always trusted him 100%. He is not the type to cheat on me, he's my rock, he's always reliable - that's why I picked him. In fact, of the two of us, I always thought I'd be the one to do something stupid - but I've never strayed since our early days.

I know he loves me, and he loves our life together. He says he's never been interested in anyone else. So why now? He says he was drunk and it was just bravado with his mate. He said it was horrible, and he wasn't in control. He didn't climax. And knew enough to not want full sex. I need to know why it happened. It can't just be that there was no deep seated reason, and he was just drunk, as then it would have happened before surely.

He's now a mess and very upset because he's worried he's caught something and doesn't want to pass it to me. And he's put our life together at risk. I know enough that he's not likely to catch much from a blow job. But sent him to hospital today. He said he didn't want to keep the truth from me, like some of his friends do from their wives.

What should I do? We're married - that means something to me. I love him, I love our life, I wanted a baby with him until 18 hours ago. But I know this will affect everything - when we next make love (and I imagine for months after), we'll both be thinking about it. When he next goes out without me, I'll not be able to trust him. And I'm also really afraid of is me going out and getting revenge by pulling someone (yes, in the past I've been that childish and self centred when drunk. So unfortunately a little bit of me does understand that stupid things can happen when out drinking)

Do you think we can get through this unscaithed?
Do you think lots of men do this (I get impression from a few comments, that at least a couple of his friends have done something similar)?

What should I do? He slept in spare room last night
Any advice greatfully received
x

OP posts:
catwalker · 22/06/2011 19:35

Binfull - no, but he booked a hotel for him and someone who paraded herself as a friend of the family to have sex. I believe he paid cash for the room. Both premeditated; both squalid. Not sure what the difference is.

AnyF - no, but I hadn't realised the OP's dh was blaming everything on her?

Maybe I should read the thread properly ...

dollius · 22/06/2011 19:46

Actually, I would rather my DH had an affair than used a prostitute. But then that is because I have strong views about men making use of vulnerable women who have more often than not been forced/coerced into prostitution. It's not much better than rape in my opinion. I actually would rather my DH thought he had fallen in love with someone else than thought it was ok to buy a woman's body for his use and take part in an industry which, for the most part, feeds off the desperation and vulnerability of impoverished, controlled and, often, trafficked women.

AnyFucker · 22/06/2011 20:00

cat, FWIW, I have very strong moral objections about the kind of man who buys the right to use a woman's body for sex, or for her to do sexual acts to him

that always tempers my responses on these threads

I could not countenance sharing my one, precious life with a man who would do that with such casual abandon, then refuse to take responsibilty for it. he blamed everyone but himself. His wife, his stressful job, his mates for leading him on, the effects of alcohol blah blah blah and then attempted to tell his wife she is the one with the problem "because all men do it and he couldn't help it because of X, Y and Z"

subtext : you will shut up and let me carry on

I do not compare using prostituted women with marital infidelity with a willing partner. I just don't think it's the same. Paying a woman to quash her disgust of you is the lowest of the low.

That is my opinion.

AnyFucker · 22/06/2011 20:05

...and what dollius said

suburbophobe · 22/06/2011 20:08

Go for an STD check.

And then ask yourself, do you want to be with a man who puts his mate's eggin on before his life with you......?

AnotherMumOnHere · 22/06/2011 22:02

Yes, maggots what he did by going to brothel was illegal but that is not what you said in your post.

You stated that prostitution is illegal and I simply stated that that statement is false. That was all I was pointing out.

One female working as a prostitute from a place is not illegal but two working from the same premises is. That is the difference.

Saffysmum · 22/06/2011 22:20

Totally agree with AF: a woman choosing to have an affair with a married man, knowing that she is betraying her own sex, but putting her own needs first, and perhaps justifying her decision by thinking that he's the one with everything to lose is one thing - not great, but no one is forcing her. Perhaps, in her flawed thinking, she really cares for him. A woman who is paid to perform sex acts with a man, has surely, at some point lost her self respect and pride and that is sad. She may be doing it with the best of intentions, feeding her kids, keeping them in a nice home - who knows? But whatever her reasons, it's tragic.. And that a married man, someone who is supposed to cherish his wife, deliberately turns away from her and chooses to hand over money to this vulnerable woman, to provide him with cheap thrills tells us exactly what he thinks about women in general. Complete lack of respect for women - all women, especially the one he made his vows to.

Morloth · 22/06/2011 22:26

catwalker using a prostitute is worse IMO than having an affair because not only has he cheated he has exploited someone at the same time.

In either case my DH would be gone. I want nobody's sloppy seconds. If he wants to fuck around he can do so, just not while being married to me.

I have standards, being married to a cheat is not an option.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 22/06/2011 22:36

I'm not playing tit for tat on legalities, the op's h went to a brothel and paid for sex. She stated brothel that makes it an illegal act.

Even if it was a single woman in a flat, or a street worker what are the chances they weren't forced/coerced/trafficked and should her dh risk finding out whether it was illegal or not, ignorance is not an excuse.

catwalker · 22/06/2011 22:41

Thanks for that Morloth - I'll go back to my standard-free existence ....

chippy47 · 22/06/2011 22:57

We don't all do it. A Catholic schooling and knowledge of sti's are not mutually exclusive and that is one expensive taxi. Lies, lies and more lies.

AnyFucker · 22/06/2011 23:00

morloth, that was rather tactless given that cat and her H are working on repairing their marriage {shock]

she has a valid viewpoint, from her own perspective, isn't that only what we all have ?

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 22/06/2011 23:20

catwalker it takes a tremendous amount of courage to do what you have. But i think you did need to read the whole post. The suspicion is that the intention or act has been occuring for some time, and it's his current attitude that's the biggest issue.

The other difference is that your dh and the ow entered into this on an equal footing. He didn't take advantage of her poverty, drug addiction, desperation or any other reason that would make you work at a brothel for a cheap thrill.

If the op's dh was making noises about needing help with sex addiction, being wholey to blame, having issues with the relationship, having his own personal sexual issues etc and throwing himself at her feet for forgiveness then it would be a very different set of posts no?

But to be so blase about the whole experience and the risk to her health and wellbeing smacks of him being a total twuntybollocks.

I hope you don't get put off posting as i think your viewpoint would be very helpful to the op should she forgive him, especially in how you built back your trust, and how you allow him freedom in a healthy relationship without turning yourself inside out with anxiety.

I think we'd all be interested in it actually.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 22/06/2011 23:21

Wholly sorry

Morloth · 22/06/2011 23:29

I apologise for lack of tact in, but not for the content of my post.

If someone can put up with this, that is their call, but from my perspective it is unacceptable.

AnyFucker · 22/06/2011 23:37

fair enough morloth, but this thread wasn't about cat's situation, she just gave her perspective on it

Hertfordshire · 22/06/2011 23:39

Ah, it's everyone's perspective, until it happens to them.

At that point, a person needs to weigh up whether the breach of trust defines the person - and that can only be done properly if you've been with someone for years and they've "earned their spurs". Even then, it only works if they are truly penitent, learn lessons and make changes.

Prostitution is different to infidelity, because it points to a deep disrespect for women - women who can be bought and sold as commodities.

In the OP's case, the math just doesn't stack up here. Not enough longevity to judge true character + fewer ties that bind + misogyny.

No brainer.

Morloth · 23/06/2011 04:23

I didn't actually mean for my response to cat's post to be an attack on her. I was more answering her question as to why I was thinking the OP should leave.

With the OP quite apart from the infidelity, how could you want to be around someone who think is OK to buy and sell women? What if they have a daughter, will he think of her in the same terms as a commodity to be bought and sold?

Anyway, as you say AnyFucker OP is in 'talk to the hand' mode.

It is like there is a fucking script! I just want to reach through the screen and shake people and I guess that comes across in my posts sometimes.

AnyFucker · 23/06/2011 07:04

mine too, morloth, and sometimes I have to hold my hands up when I am called on it Smile

TechLovingDad · 23/06/2011 08:23

It's a bloody shame how often the same themes are repeated over and over again on here. Sometimes it makes me wonder about the male species.

It's easy to forget that it's mostly negative that gets posted on here.

Still a shame how many women feel they should just put up with it, though.

TheRealMBJ · 23/06/2011 08:51

It is great to see men like you TLD and chippy47 post sensibly on these threads though.

TechLovingDad · 23/06/2011 08:53

To be honest, it shouldn't be a novelty. It's common sense. Treat others how you wish to be treated. Why would you be happy treating someone else like dirt? It's far too much like effort to keep that level of nastiness up.

I'm too lazy to be an abuser Grin

LeQueen · 23/06/2011 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Capiche · 23/06/2011 10:54

Thing is lequeen it's your attitude that breeds respect in a relatiinship

MooMooFarm · 23/06/2011 11:12

Agreed capiche

20 or so years ago (I'm now in my 30's) my confidence wasn't great. I would be so grateful to have boyfriends that I would bend over backwards to keep them happy and allow them to treat me like shit if they chose to - and not surprisingly, most of them did. Not serious 'abuse', more just not giving me the respect I should have expected and generally messing me about.

Thank god, in my 20's I gained confidence (and a life) and my focus gradually moved from needing a partner, to needing my freedom and a life of my own. From that point any man I met had to make the effort to prove to me that he was worth the effort. No coincidence that shortly after that I met my DH - who treated me fantastically from the moment we met and still does to this day. I suppose there is a certain amount of luck involved, because DH is essentially a good man and wouldn't treat anybody badly. But I also think my attitude meant that cock-lodgers and otherwise generally crap men steered well clear from me because they could probably tell pretty quickly that I would be much more hard work than they were willing to put in.

There are always going to be men like OPs partner - what scares me is the number of women out there who never seem to get to a point where they think they deserve better. Can anyone (seriously) explain to me why that is?