Advice please - Hubby admits BJ from prostitute whilst drunk

[LadyHarrop]

Hello - 1st time poster. But this is too intimate a prob to share with my friends, who also know him. If we do stay together, I won't want them knowing this.

I feel sick. Typing topic subject line has just made it feel real to me. I think I've been in shock since he told me last night.

We've been together 6 years, married for 2. I have always trusted him 100%. He is not the type to cheat on me, he's my rock, he's always reliable - that's why I picked him. In fact, of the two of us, I always thought I'd be the one to do something stupid - but I've never strayed since our early days.

I know he loves me, and he loves our life together. He says he's never been interested in anyone else. So why now? He says he was drunk and it was just bravado with his mate. He said it was horrible, and he wasn't in control. He didn't climax. And knew enough to not want full sex. I need to know why it happened. It can't just be that there was no deep seated reason, and he was just drunk, as then it would have happened before surely.

He's now a mess and very upset because he's worried he's caught something and doesn't want to pass it to me. And he's put our life together at risk. I know enough that he's not likely to catch much from a blow job. But sent him to hospital today. He said he didn't want to keep the truth from me, like some of his friends do from their wives.

What should I do? We're married - that means something to me. I love him, I love our life, I wanted a baby with him until 18 hours ago. But I know this will affect everything - when we next make love (and I imagine for months after), we'll both be thinking about it. When he next goes out without me, I'll not be able to trust him. And I'm also really afraid of is me going out and getting revenge by pulling someone (yes, in the past I've been that childish and self centred when drunk. So unfortunately a little bit of me does understand that stupid things can happen when out drinking)

Do you think we can get through this unscaithed?
Do you think lots of men do this (I get impression from a few comments, that at least a couple of his friends have done something similar)?

What should I do? He slept in spare room last night
Any advice greatfully received
x

Sorry OP, but am another one who thinks that he has done more than he says and is only admitting to the minimum he thinks he can get away with.

Sorry for hijacking the thread btw - this is something I've never been able to get my head around though.....

I am not sure why married or any men think it's okay to see lap dancers, strippers or go to prostitutes or why they think it okay to get married then act as if they are single by going off with their mates for men only nights as above. Why, why, why???? Because [clearly not the men on this thread] perhaps some men in this country aren't taught to respect women and don't even feel feel the need to grow up out of their teenage years. By all means stay with the this bloke, if he's worried about an STD then he probably had unprotected sex rather than just a BJ so get tested, but seriously consider whether you want children with this man as he clearly has dubious morals and is very juvenile.

I agree ohanotherone and moomoo I was exactly the same and now 31 and married with dc2 on the way. Has never shown any disrespect in that department and I honestly can say I trust him (although I know the OP said she did too). I don't know whether its a good or bad thing but DH doesnt really have any 'mates' he never goes out apart from work. I have encouraged him to btw but most of the time he wants to be sitting at home programming (thats his job) I wouldnt mind at all otherwise if they were 'nice' people!

Its done wonders though for my confidence, just to have a man who respects you.

I've been really interested reading this thread - thanks for taking the time to offer advice. Its also interesting to see how the discussion developed

I?m not making excuses for him, but wanted to clarify a few issues - I can see how my choice of words on some of my posts implies he isn?t apologetic. But I wanted to say that he seems genuinely sorry, and said so many times, he has used the term unforgivable, and he is really upset by it all. He understands that he?s put our relationship and whole life together at risk, and is scared he?s broken it for good. He isn?t brushing it all under the carpet, he is keen to talk about it. And he told me about it as soon as he could after it happened (it happened on fri, I had an event which needed my full attention on Sat and we saw family all weekend). I believe him when he says this was the first time it has happened. And I believe him when he says full sex didn't occur. He is really, really upset.

Perhaps he isn?t really owning the problem yet i.e. still trying to make excuses ? but that?s human nature isn?t it? He agree's now its not normal to go to lap dancing clubs, that they'd fallen into the habit of going. He agree's its not appropriate for him to go away drinking with old mates anymore.

I'm married, and so although some of you have experience of problems within a marriage, and perhaps with the benefit of hindsight staying too long; equally, for my own sanity, I can't leave too soon. This is our first problem - I'm so, so suprised its such a big one. I have to give our marriage a bit more time. I can't imagine forgiving right now, but I'm going to book some councilling - Relate springs to mind - does anyone have any experience of going there? The aim of that will be to look at why he did this, and make him understand my feelings. I also want to see if I can work through my feelings so that, hopefully I can forgive, rather than just trying to forget, and avoid as some of you warn, becoming "hardened" in future.

Will also be putting baby plans on hold for quite a while.

My DH had an affair 2 years ago and we went to Relate, had a very good therapist who "took no prisoners" and DH is currently seeing her privately to deal with his personal issues which led to the affair. People seemed to have very mixed experiences with Relate, it does seem to depend on the individual therapist.

You may be better with these people - I seem to remember a previous poster recommended them (her DH had used prostitutes).

Good luck with whatever you chose to do.

LadyH, some women don't mind their partners going to lapdancing clubs or where stripping is on offer

They don't see any harm in it.

I do, and your story is precisely the reason why. Sometimes very subconsciously, it wears away at a person's respect for women. Who knows where that will end. It's only a small step from pushing tenners down a ladies knickers to paying for a private dance. From watching women take their clothes off, to thinking "I'll have me some of that and the wife will never know"

These women think it's just "something that lad's lads do" and that they have no right to tell them not to do it.

well of course, you dont have a right to tell another adult what they should/should not do. But you have a choice as to whether you want to be with a man like that.

You have a choice. Personally, I thnk you have made the wrong one, but you do have a choice.

LadyH I'm appalled (yet not surprised...) that he's making this his big emotional drama; he's really upset, he's terrified the relationship is damaged beyond repair etc.

He should be concentrating on your feelings instead of making you feel like you need to offer comfort for his current state of mortification.

Oh and a good thing to remember is: talk is cheap.

Oh dear, l felt all along OP that this would be the outcome. Your choice, your mistake to make.
I just hope it won't be too long before you get your eyes opened wide.

I wish you all the luck in the world coz l fear you will need it.
(PS l would still be going for an STI check)

Good luck OP. I have a feeling you are going to need bucketloads of it.

you need to get yourself tested for everything too.

Again, as many others have reiterated throughout the thread, apart from whatever decision you make regarding the future of your relationship, you MUST go to the GUM clinic and get yourself tested for everything, and insist that he go too and have disclose all his results. You will know what they have tested for as you, yourself will have been tested too.

LadyH

If this only happened a few days ago. Please PLEASE do not have sex with him for a few weeks and get him retested then.

I am sure the STI experts (and not in a bad way) can come and confirm that a few days is not long enough for all infections to show up.

If I remember correctly they recommend retesting for HIV after about 6 months?

Please check all this and make sure you are very careful until you are 100% certain he is clear

dittany 'Will you mind knowing going near his penis LadyH, when you know he paid to put it in a prostituted woman's mouth?'

Well said, I just don't understand how someone could not recoil in revulsion. I don't get it.

Good luck OP I hope you don't catch anything too awful, he will do it again and again and if he has form for unprotected (hence his worry about STIs) you are effectively having sex with every John of every prostitute that he uses.

Get yourself checked out regularly.

Morloth 'Well said, I just don't understand how someone could not recoil in revulsion. I don't get it.' & 'you are effectively having sex with every John of every prostitute that he uses'

I'm fairly sure we haven't all settled down here with partners that took our virginty and likewise!
Most women here will be with partners that have a 'sexual history'. When it comes to 'cheating', then it's wrong, plain and simple, but let's not over dramatise it. When I sleep with my partner I'm not sleeping with my partners ex's.
Best we concentrate on the main issue, why the need for the OP's partner to seek sexual intimacy elsewhere, will it happen again and more, MUCH more important than all of that, can they work it out and can she trust him, implicitly, again?

I don't think it is the role of anyone to tell the OP that she should end her marriage over this: that is a personal decision based on the OP's values and feelings.

Some couples do succeed in rebuilding their marriages after infidelity.

BUT, it takes total honesty and an unqualified commitment to the marriage to do that.

My concern, OP, is that your DH isn't being totally honest with you. Men don't confess unless backed into a corner. An STD is a definite possibility here although having said that, I have a friend who got an STD from her husband who insisted it wasn't from him (all sorts of stories about toilet seats, unsterilised medical instruments, soiled towels came out). He never admitted it.

In your situation I would ask myself whether my husband had a 100% commitment to me and to doing whatever it takes to rebuild the marriage.

You're in your 30s and putting plans to have children on hold for a long while so you can save a 2 year childless marriage with a man who uses prostitutes?

Terrible decision.

My advice would be get out while you can, and I do not say that lightly.

The hotel rooms, the regular weekends with the boys- this is a man who wants his single life and is not committed to you.

His behaviour is immature, risky, expensive and it shows a lack of respect and love for you.

What a sad situation.

So sorry to hear OP. I would be absolutely devestated, and I'm afraid it would be a deal-breaker for me. I would never be able to not imagine this every time we had sex, or even got abit close.

Having said that though, if you really want to stay then you will, and you will find it within yourself to forgive. And perhaps you both WILL get through it and put it behind you. Who knows? Each relationship/marriage is so unique theres no way anybody can answer your questions the way you need them answering right now - its something you have to do for yourself now.
Good luck. Hope things work out for you.

Op, I am as usual on these types of threads going to go against the grain!

I think that is very sensible. To throw him out now would leave you feeling like you had not given him a second chance and I believe this can be why some woman then end up still having sex/going back on firth and not bring able tomove on.

Of course I have nodoubt if there were more to come out you would reconsider.