Advice please - Hubby admits BJ from prostitute whilst drunk

[LadyHarrop]

Hello - 1st time poster. But this is too intimate a prob to share with my friends, who also know him. If we do stay together, I won't want them knowing this.

I feel sick. Typing topic subject line has just made it feel real to me. I think I've been in shock since he told me last night.

We've been together 6 years, married for 2. I have always trusted him 100%. He is not the type to cheat on me, he's my rock, he's always reliable - that's why I picked him. In fact, of the two of us, I always thought I'd be the one to do something stupid - but I've never strayed since our early days.

I know he loves me, and he loves our life together. He says he's never been interested in anyone else. So why now? He says he was drunk and it was just bravado with his mate. He said it was horrible, and he wasn't in control. He didn't climax. And knew enough to not want full sex. I need to know why it happened. It can't just be that there was no deep seated reason, and he was just drunk, as then it would have happened before surely.

He's now a mess and very upset because he's worried he's caught something and doesn't want to pass it to me. And he's put our life together at risk. I know enough that he's not likely to catch much from a blow job. But sent him to hospital today. He said he didn't want to keep the truth from me, like some of his friends do from their wives.

What should I do? We're married - that means something to me. I love him, I love our life, I wanted a baby with him until 18 hours ago. But I know this will affect everything - when we next make love (and I imagine for months after), we'll both be thinking about it. When he next goes out without me, I'll not be able to trust him. And I'm also really afraid of is me going out and getting revenge by pulling someone (yes, in the past I've been that childish and self centred when drunk. So unfortunately a little bit of me does understand that stupid things can happen when out drinking)

Do you think we can get through this unscaithed?
Do you think lots of men do this (I get impression from a few comments, that at least a couple of his friends have done something similar)?

What should I do? He slept in spare room last night
Any advice greatfully received
x

It's not that I don't think you can't get passed this but he needs to accept how wrong it was first and responsibility for it. The drink is not an excuse.

It sounds as though he is just saying to you "I went with a prostitute but I was drunk and anyway everyone else gets away with it, so get over it".

How can he be so flippant.

Maggots I beg to differ re Prostitution being illegal.

Brothels are illegal but Prostitutes working independently and alone are not.

Sorry, don't want to detract any more from post but giving out false information is not at all helpful.

Hope you get all the help you need OP.

If he loved you then he wouldn't have stuck his dick into someone else's mouth.

I think you should cut your losses, but agree with AnyFucker that you are not going to just yet.

Hopefully it will happen before he gives you something serious and before you have kids with him.

I expect this man will suggest that they ttc very soon

I know that this is not helpful but:

Eeeewwwwwwwwwww

Sounds like marvellous father material

anothermum he went to a brothel, that is an illegal activity, it is also illegal to solicit on the street.

He didn't hire an independant escort and let he go too far, he actively took part in an illegal activity.

Op - He said that he didn't want to keep the truth from you like some of his friends do to their wives/girlfriends. All he is doing is trying to water it all down and make you feel sorry for him, as if to say 'see I am so honest'.

What kind of person is he anyway to associate with people who are ( as he admitts) also cheats and liars?.

How can you possibly move on from this with him?, don't bury your head in the sand and think he will never do this again because I'm almost certain he will.

In all honesty you are flogging a dead horse if you believe your relationship can be saved, its all too easy for him to go and pay for sex and I imagine if you forgive him then next time he will be more careful, so you won't find out.

If you end up having kids with him it will NOT stop him cheating, I warn you that you don't want to end up a single mum and kicking yourself for not seeing that this is in most people's opinions not a one off experience for him

He is simply not worthy of you.

yup

Also known as the "trap her barefoot in the kitchen baby , while I carry on prozzing it up with my fuckwit mates"

I expect he's been advised to do this by said fuckwits

"offer her a baby, mate, that will shut the nagging bitch up..."

yup

read 'em like a book

He'll be a great dad.

@ TLD

I can think even further into his tiny mind than that ladies....she's now too tired for sex now that she has the baby.

It's my issue, so i will take it elsewhere. Paying for it is like a business transaction, it's not like i am actually cheating on her, she doesn't want sex so it makes it right that i go and get relief with a prostitute. That way i'm not bothering her.

It's her fault, after all.

I've only skimmed this thread so apologies if I'm missing something, but I don't quite understand why you are all so adamant that the OP should ditch her dh? Is visiting a prostitute worse than having an affair? Or is it that he's not taking responsibility for his own actions, hiding behind the fact that he was drunk or perhaps minimising what he has done?

There are plenty of people on here - myself included - whose dh's have had affairs and where the dh's involved have taken a while to come clean about everything/face up to the full extent of what they have done/reach a better understanding of themselves and their partners. The majority of posters I guess advocate showing them the door, but in some circumstances there is quite a lot of support for working through the infidelity and trying to preserve the marriage.

I'm not saying you're all wrong, I'm just curious to know what you think the difference is. Would I find it more difficult forgiving my dh's infidelity if he'd had sex with a prostitute instead of a family acquaintance? No, I don't think I would. Both equally horrific.

I don't know catwalker, did your husband go out with a back pocket full of 10 pound notes and scour the streets with the intention of a particular sexual act?

binfull, I could go on alllll night reading the murky recesses of this bloke's (and others like him) self-entitled and self-serving mind

but that would be rather depressing and make me feel very dirty indeed (not in a good way)

there is absolutely no way on earth a woman should feel obliged to forgive this, on many levels, not just the fact that he cheated on her

cat...did your husband blame it all on you ?

It is entirely up to the individual whether she can find it in her heart to forgive him and it's for no one else to judge. Personally, I don't think I could ever get over it,It would always be in the back of my mind. That's me, but like cat said some people may be able to. I guess it depends too on where your marriage is. If OP has no children it may be easier to leave now rather than if she had but it can be a difficult decision when you look full in the face all the hurdles you need to jump in order to start from scratch a build a new life.

Christ I wish I had found mumsnet and all your advice last year when I had pure hell from the wanker I was with. I'd have walked, stopped blamming myself and could have started a new life. Now I'm single and about to have it's child.

OP you sound like an intelligent person. Don't start being stupid now. I think you know deep down what you should do. Denial is a shitter and something only you can come out of. Walk while you still can.